The words hit me like a ton of bricks.
"What? What are you talking about? He can't be dead," I said the tears gathering in my eyes.
"It's true, he's gone," Jesse insisted, his voice cracking.
The tears spilled over my lids like the Hoover Dam had just been torn down.
"No!" I yelled into the phone.
"Lucky, please calm down," Jesse told me loudly.
"This can't be happening Jesse, how could this have happened," I asked hysterically.
I had never felt this kind of pain in my entire life. My heart was breaking. How could this be true? How could it be true that I would never see my father again?
Jesse told me the funeral would be in two days in St. Thomas. I told him I'd be there as so as possible and hung up.
I sat on the couch for awhile longer sobbing uncontrollably. I put my head in my hands but all I could picture was my Dad's face. I could see him smiling when I made him breakfast and the way he always did everything for me. I saw the twinkle in his eye as he woke me up for the third time in the morning. I would never see that again. Even the thought of it was absolutely unbearable.
"What is wrong with you?" a voice asked. I looked up quickly, wiping my eyes. My mother was standing there holding a handful of shopping bags.
"My father, Scott, he is dead," I told her.
"Oh no," she breathed. She put her bags down gently and came over to me, "I assume you want to go to the funeral,"
"Of course," I said, "It's in two days,"
"I'll arrange for Gary to take you," she said and left. No hug. No comforting. It made me want to cry even more when I realized how alone I was here. My mother had barely spoken to me. Didn't she care that the man who had taken care of her eldest daughter for seventeen years of her life was dead?
I hurried up to my room, not wanting to run into Julianna. She was even less compassionate then our mother.
I sat on my bed and just stared into space for I don't know how long. It was as if time had come to a halt for me and all I knew was the pain. I thought about my father and how much I loved him. I hoped he knew that.
I packed a duffel bag of clothing and went downstairs to see if we could get going. I thought for a minute about calling Adam but decided against it. I just wanted to get to St. Thomas right away.
"We can get going now," Gary told me. He took me bags for me and I followed him to the car. No one came to say goodbye or tell me they were sorry for my loss. I wondered if Maria would even tell anyone the truth about where I was going, it might mess up her plan.
Gary touched my arm lightly before I got into the car," I'm so sorry," he said softly. He looked very concerned and it made me feel a little better to know that someone cared.
"Hey Gary, would you mind if I sat up front with you?" I asked him, "I don't want to be alone right now,"
"Certainly you can sit up front," he said, "Anything for you," he added softly.
I fell asleep on the way to St. Thomas. It was a long drive and it hurt too much to stay awake. When I opened my eyes again, it was very dark and we were outside my old building.
"Will you be returning to Ottawa," I asked Gary on the elevator.
"I will do what you want to do," he said smiling gently.
"It would be really helpful if you came to the funeral," I told him. I needed all the support I could get right now and Gary was almost like a grandfather to me.
Jesse answered the door looking tired and worn. I threw my arms around his neck and began to sob again. He rubbed my back soothingly and pulled me inside the apartment. It looked the same as it had before I left. I half expected it to look totally different.
I introduced Gary to Jesse and we decided Gary would sleep on the couch. It made me feel safer to know he was there.
I went to my room, totally exhausted despite my nap in the car. My room felt comfortable and familiar, so much different than my suite in Phantom Manor. There was a knock at the door just as I was crawling under the covers.
"Come in," I called.
Jesse opened the door and came to the edge of my bed. He sat down and took my hand, not saying anything. I could see tears glistening in his eyes.
"What am I going to do?" he asked, "I'm all alone now,"
"No you aren't," you still have me," I told him firmly. I was determined not to cry again, to be strong.
"You live so far away," he said quietly. I had never seen my brother like this. He rarely, if ever cried in front of anyone.
Then I got a brilliant idea, "You can move to Ottawa!" I told him.
"What?" he asked, looking up at me.
"You have lots of money saved up, right? And there's Dad's life insurance, you can move out to Ottawa and go to college," I said. I hoped he'd say yes. I couldn't bare the thought of leaving him here all alone.
"I don't even know why I'm even worried about this now," Jesse said avoiding the question, "Dad will be buried in two days,"
"I know," I said, "It's going to be terrible Jesse." I decided to let Jesse think about moving. It didn't matter right now.
He didn't say anything. We both knew it would be one of the hardest things we would ever have to do.
Jesse went to his bedroom after that and I fell asleep immediately.
The next morning I woke up slowly. My room was still dark and when I looked at the clock I saw it was ten in the morning. I got up quickly, hoping Jesse hadn't gone anywhere without me.
I found Jesse and Gary sitting at the kitchen table talking. I was glad they were getting along so well. I sat down in my usual seat.
"Good morning," Gary said.
I smiled half-heartedly.
"We've got everything pretty much organized. We just have to make some calls," Jesse told me.
I nodded.
Jesse continued to talk about the wake; we would have a few people over to the apartment after the funeral, but I only half listened. Sitting at the table was bringing back memories. But right now I just didn't want to remember. It hurt too much.
"I'm going to visit Lana today," I said.
"Do you need a ride?" Gary asked.
"That would be great," I told him gratefully.
I went to my room and got dressed. I was about to leave when I noticed a purple envelope on my dresser. I picked it up and opened it. Inside was a picture of Carter and I. I was smiling at the camera. Carter was looking at me with a soft smile on his face. I turned the picture over and found a note.
Dear Lucky,
This picture really captured my feelings for you. Nothing will ever change how much I love you.
Always Yours,
Carter
I reread the note and felt a pang of guilt in my stomach for hurting him. I did love him, just not in the way he wanted. I decided then that I would visit him today. I wanted him to know that I wanted to be friends. I wasn't trying to push him out of my life.
"Will you be okay by yourself?" I asked Jesse before leaving.
He nodded, "Kristen's coming over," he said.
I had forgotten all about Kristen. They'd been together for while now. I wondered it she was the reason he had hesitated in agreeing to more to Ottawa. I felt insensitive for forgetting about her. I made a mental not to ask about her later.
Gary took me to Lana's and I told him I'd call when I was ready to go.
"Lucky!" Lana squealed when she opened the door. She threw her arms around my neck. When she pulled back and looked at me concern in her eyes, "How are you?" she asked.
"You heard?" I asked. We sat in the living room of her house.
She nodded, "I'm so sorry, it's terrible, he was too good a person to die so young," she said sadly. She had always liked my father.
I managed to keep the tears from spilling out. We talked for hours about everything. She told me she was still happily with Nathan and she asked about Adam. I told her how O thought I was falling in love with him. She had a grim look on her face when I said that.
"Just pray he doesn't hurt you like you've hurt Carter," she said.
I stared at her in surprise. She sounded bitter
"Look Lucky, I was being nice before, the truth is, you ripped Carter's heart out of his chest. He has been suffering ever since you left," she said bluntly. The guilt overwhelmed me again.
"What should I have done?" I asked defensively.
"You shouldn't have led him on for so long. You should have been nicer about the truth. You have totally ignored him since you left. The guy is a mess," she said.
I looked down at my hands. I had always known somehow that I was way to hard on him. He didn't deserve what I did to him. No one did. Lana was making me realize now that I had acted selfishly.
"Thank you for telling me this," I said standing to go, "I'm going to visit him now,"
At the door Lana grabbed my arm. I turned to face her.
"Sometimes the truth is hard to face. I'm sorry if I was too direct," she said.
"No it's fine, it's good, thank you," I said distractedly. Gary was waiting in the limo and I told him to take my to Carter's address.
I didn't know what I was going to say but I knew I had to say something. Carter deserved an apology if nothing else.
His house looked the same as it always had. I knocked on the front door and Carter answered it after a minute. His eyes widened in surprise when he saw me. Then widened even more when he saw the limo. Then he looked back at me and his eyes hardened.
"Has royalty lowered herself to my level?" he said. Despite his cold tone I knew that of what Lana said was true he still cared about me so I tried my best to ignore it.
"I've missed you," I said.
"Have you now?" he said.
I shivered in the cold breeze and I saw something in Carter's eyes that told me he really did care.
"Come inside," he said softly. We sat in the living room together. Every time I had been over before we had gone to the basement.
"How's the basement?" I asked.
"I don't go down there much anymore," he admitted.
"Why not?" I asked.
"It reminds me too much of you," he said, his beautiful blue eyes gazing right into mine.
"Well Carter, that's the thing, I don't think it's good for you to be thinking about me all the time," I said carefully. I didn't want to alienate him even more than I already had.
"I can't just forget someone like you," he insisted. He came over to me and sat down, taking my hand.
"You don't have to, we can be friends, just like before," I told him.
"Don't you get it Lucky?" he asked softly, "I can't control my feelings. I'll always love you,"
I looked at his hand, intertwined with mine. How was I supposed to do this? How could I break his heart again?
"I'm sorry, but even though you haven't moved on, I have. I have a boyfriend in Ottawa that I am falling in love with. I'm happy." I told him. I thought it'd be best to let the truth out now so he wouldn't continue getting his hopes up.
He looked disappointed for a minute but hid it quickly, "Who is he?" he asked.
"His name is Adam, he is a really great guy," I assured him.
Carter nodded and let go of my hand, "I'm glad you are happy," he said.
I told him that I would really like him to come to my father's funeral since I could use all the support I could get.
"I'll do anything for you," was all he said.
I had to leave after that. It was getting late and Jesse would wonder what I was doing.
When I got home I found Jesse in his room packing his things.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"I'm moving out to Ottawa," he said smiling.
I laughed as he picked me up and twirled me around. I couldn't wait for him to be a part of my life again. Maybe our future wasn't so uncertain after all.
