Title: Nightswimming III

Author: Kaitlyn

Rating: R

Summary: Burning lungs, dirty dancing, nightswimming and second chances...Loud music, tainted smoke, fiery kisses and racing hearts. Everyone remembers what it was like to be 18. Established R/R and eventual C/M.

Alright guys, time for the last installment of the "Nightswimming" miniseries. This chapter will conclude all of the events of the reservoir party. I wish I could say it will tie up all the loose ends, too, but that might be a lie :-)

I'm back from NYC and no longer in the presence of my sister, so there will be no more double-teaming of the chapters. Sorry! Maybe I can live up to her standards on my own at a later time.

Someone mentioned in a review that Monica and Chandler would probably be doing more than just "holding hands", but my goal for their relationship up until this point has actually been to keep it more ambiguous. It will kind of open up in this chapter and the ones to come, though. They might not have any scenes like the one between Ross and Rachel in the last chapter :-), but I don't think the Monica/Chandler fans will have anything to complain about. If you do, don't hesitate, though. Just tell me what you want to read and I'll try to implement it.

****************************************************************************

"So, tell me about your childhood," Chandler implored of her, taking a final sip from his beer before tossing the red plastic cup into the dense thicket of woods that surrounded the path they were walking on. They'd been walking for about 20 minutes, and they were now completely out of view from the hill the party was taking place on. The moon shown overhead, big and round and casting shadows over the ground. Their hands were still entwined and they walked slowly.

"Well," she began, trying to think of a tactful way of beefing up a not-so-eventful past. "Up until high school, I had a not-so-great childhood."

"Really?" he asked, looking up from the ground and over at her, obviously very shocked at this revelation. "I kind of thought, judging from what I know about Ross, that you guys had a painfully normal childhood. Or is that what was wrong with it?"

"I guess it was that...combined with the whole weight thing." She bit her lip, praying not to regret opening up this can of worms.

"What weight thing?" he asked, squeezing her hand a bit once he saw how nervous she was.

"I used to be pretty big. It wasn't usually a big deal, but I got made fun of a lot. Ross sure didn't make it any easier on me. It was just typical bullying stuff, but it wasn't until after I lost it all that I realized how much it hurt me sometimes." She took a deep breath. There, she'd done it. She'd told him possibly the most embarrassing and traumatic thing about her past and she just hoped to God now for the best. She hoped that he wouldn't judge or make fun of her. When he didn't say anything for a few moments, she looked over at him, her eyes searching for what he wasn't saying.

"You think I'm an idiot now, don't you?" she asked. He smiled widely, chuckling and stopping their progressive walk to stand in the forest with her.

"You're adorable. Why would I think that?" She couldn't help but smile at the sincerity of his question.

"Forget it," she whispered, shaking her head and unable to conceal the huge smile that was not creeping across her face. "Most people kind of make fun of that story."

"Well, I'm not one of them." He took one of the hands that was holding both of hers and raised it to her chin, pushing up on it to make her eyes meet with his. His heart was beating out of his chest and his palms were sweaty, but he was absolutely lost in her eyes. He went for it. Slowly and softly, he placed a gentle kiss on her lips. When he pulled back, her eyes were still closed.

"I hope that was okay," he whispered, making it into more of a question than a statement. She opened her eyes.

"Yeah," she nodded, smiling. "It was definitely okay."

*****************************************************************************

"Do you want to leave now?" he asked, still holding her tightly against his chest. He could feel her hot tears burning against the skin on his arm as they fell, one by one, from her eyes. He didn't know exactly when she'd begun crying and her sobs had remained silent, but her body shook occasionally with a heavy jerk, causing him to only tighten his hold around her. She nodded.

"Okay," he whispered, not knowing how he felt about her answer. He was absolutely numb. He had never hated himself this much in his life. He never thought something as simple as touching her would lead to something like this. He was the older one- he was the guy. He was supposed to know his limits- their limits- and he hadn't. He'd kept going, fueled by something deep inside him that burned- ached- to be closer to her. Instead, he'd ripped himself from her like a dead appendage.

He got up from the dirt, extending his hand and helping her to her feet. They walked up the side of the hill together but didn't touching. Her arms were folded defensively across her chest and she stared at the ground the entire way. Tears still fell silently from her cheeks, but her face was stoic. He stuffed his hands deeply into his pockets, wishing that he could cut them off completely. He felt dirty, and no amount of washing or showering could help. When they got to the top of the hill, he wordlessly handed her his car keys and went to go find Chandler. When he could not, he settled for Joey.

"Hey, have you seen Chandler?" he asked, noticing for the first time that Phoebe was sitting on his lap.

"No, man, I haven't. He walked into the woods with Monica like half an hour ago."

"What?" Ross asked, his voice fluctuating for the first time. "My- my sister Monica? Chandler took her into the woods?"

"Yeah. I didn't think you'd mind. I mean, you'd been gone with Rachel for like ever. I thought you had more important things to be worrying about," he grinned, arching an eyebrow. Ross wanted to throw up.

"Fine. Uh, when they come back, tell them I took Rachel home." He turned to leave, jamming his hands back into his pockets. He picked his hooded sweatshirt up from the ground by Joey's feet and put it on, pulling the hood up over his head to cancel out the cold and to conceal the look of disgust that he was sure now clouded his eyes.

"Hey, man, are you alright?" Joey asked after him.

"I'm fine," he answered, not even bothering to turn around. He walked towards the car, noticing that Rachel was already seated in the passenger's seat. She was staring blankly and torpidly into the space in front of her. Her arms were still crossed and her cheeks still tear-streaked. He closed his eyes tightly and wasn't surprised when a drop of liquid fell to the ground.

*****************************************************************************

"So your dad really left your mom for the pool boy?" she asked, trying desperately to muffle her laughter. She failed.

"It's okay," he surrendered. "You can laugh. I've pretty much gotten used to it. Besides, I'm going off to college next year, so it's not like it's going to be in my face all the time."

"Oh," Monica paused. "Right...college." She nodded, tightening her lips.

"Yeah, I think I'm going to NYU," Chandler added, hoping that would ease the awkward tension. They'd only met a few weeks before and their first kiss had just taken place that night, but the thought of him leaving still added a damp dreariness to the conversation. At the mention of NYU, Monica's eyes lit up.

"Really? So you'll- you'll be staying here?" she asked hopefully. Chandler nodded and smiled.

"Yup, that's the plan But hey, you have to promise to come visit, alright? Long Island and Manhattan are far too close for you to have an excuse not to," he teased, lightening the uncomfortable situation.

"I don't think that should be a problem," she played along, flashing him an enormous, toothy smile. He stopped again and took both of her hands in his.

"Hey, it's getting kind of late. Do you think maybe we should head back?" he asked. She looked disappointed, but then her face lit up.

"Well, yeah, but do you want to maybe...come back to my house afterwards? We could just, you know, finish our talk and stuff. That is, if you want to," she added, not wanting to push things too much. She was having the most wonderful time talking to him, though, and she didn't want it to end. Everything was so relaxed between them, and he seemed to understand everything she said. What was more, he seemed to actually care.

"Lead the way," he joked, smiling and waiting for her to turn back and begin walking towards the party and his car.

****************************************************************************

Ross pulled the car up to her house and stopped, turning the engine off but keeping the car on. The radio was turned on low and could just faintly be heard over their collective breathing. Neither said anything, but Rachel also didn't move to exit the car. Let this be over seen, Ross thought to himself. Part of him wanted her to get out of the car and run into her house so that he would no longer have to withstand the sweet torture of being in her presence tonight. Another part was almost content to stay there, on the verge of tears and hating himself, just to be close to her.

"Here you go," he stated flatly, looking down at his lap rather than over at her. Her only response was to turn her attention from the windshield to the side window. Her hands remained folded in her lap. This is torture, he thought. This is absolute, unadulterated, straight-from-the-realms-of-Hell torture. And still, he reveled in it like it was as precious as his last breath.

"Ross..." she started, looking over at him and causing him to snap his head up to meet her glance. Now, it was his cheeks that were tear-stained. Upon seeing this, she let her head fall to the side in heartbreak.

"Don't do that," she pleaded, shaking her head. "Don't cry." She reached over and placed one of her hands on top of his, squeezing it. He sniffled a little, directly all of his efforts at halting his tears. He was unsuccessful, but he turned his face away from her so she wouldn't know. She did anyway.

"Ross," she began again, "you didn't do anything wrong. Please, don't be upset." Her voice was small and tired and wisps of her hair hung slackly from the loose bun that had fallen down to the base of her neck. He turned to look at her and noticed, for the first time, just how defeated she looked. She had no strength for this and yet he was squeezing it from her- simultaneously robbing her of her vigor and himself of his dignity. How much could he steal from her in one night?

"Rachel, I'd give you just about anything you wanted right now, but I can't give you that. Don't ask me not to be upset." Feeling a wave of abhorrence hit him like a tsunami, he took his hand from beneath hers and placed it with his other on the steering wheel, gripping down with all of his strength and turning his knuckles white. He clenched his jaw.

"Ross, I told you that you didn't do anything wrong. I meant it."

"I promised myself I would never do that," he stated, outwardly randomly. She furrowed her brow, not following him.

"Do what?"

"Take advantage of you...let things go too far." He took his stern gaze from the road in front of them and turned to look at her again. He seemed unaffected and cold but he needed to see her face.

"Ross, you didn't take advantage of me!" She raised her voice, becoming increasingly frustrated. He didn't fight back, though. Instead, he shook his head and looked back down into his lap. He swallowed, choosing his words carefully.

"Then why did you stop?" he asked tentatively. He regretted it almost instantly. He had no right to ask her that. He had to know, though. If he hadn't done anything wrong, then what was wrong with him? What was wrong with them? She sighed and he was more relieved than he'd ever been when her reply didn't come in the form of a slamming door.

"I don't know..." she answered honestly, her voice trailing off, "but it's not because I don't love you." At this, he looked up into her eyes. The car was enveloped in utter silence for a moment, save for the quiet murmur of the radio. It was a song that he faintly recognized but had never really heard the words until that moment.

We struggle here

but all our love's in vain

And these eyes that once filled me with your beauty

Now fill me with pain

And the light that once entered here

Is banished from me

And this darkness is all baby

that my heart sees

"Stop it, Ross," she ordered sternly, intimidating him without even raising her voice. "I know what you're doing and just stop it. Look," she took his hand firmly in both of hers and pulled it over to rest it in her lap. "You didn't do ANYTHING wrong tonight. Whatever happened ONLY happened because I wanted it to, okay? I know you think that you have some sort of obligation to protect me, but you don't. I can take care of myself and I'm the only one responsible for the decisions I make..." she paused and waited for him to nod before she finished.

"Tonight," she continued, "my decision was to have sex with you. Not because I felt pressured or because I got caught up in the moment, but because I wanted to. I love you and I wanted to." She waited for this to sink in with him. "I don't know what came over me. I panicked, okay? I- I can't explain it. I don't even understand it. The only thing I know is that I love you very much and never meant for this to hurt you. I never meant to cause you any pain. I'm sorry."

He smiled weakly at her, surprised in himself when he discovered that her speech had actually helped ease his conscience and his heart. She drew him to her, pulling his head to rest against his chest and stroking his hair. She kissed the top of his head and wrapped her arms around him.

"Do you want to come stay with me tonight?" she asked softly, resting her cheek on the top of his head. He moved back to look at her, his eyes asking a million hushed questions.

"Aren't your parents home?" he beseech, though that was not even on the top 10 list of the things he'd really been wondering about her suggestion. She shook her head.

"No, they're gone for the weekend. Come on," she urged, squeezing his hand once more and opening the door to exit the car. She hadn't given him much time to think, so he simply shut the car off and followed her inside the house.

When they got inside, she took his hand and led him up to her room. Not bothering to turn on a light, she stripped right in front of him. He sat down at the giant beanbag chair in the corner, watching her as she walked completely nude and uninhibited around her room, searching for pajamas. He smiled, admiring her and feeling the disgust and self-loathing melt away. She put on a pair of cotton underwear and a small white t-shirt before climbing into bed. Before she pulled up the covers, though, she met his gaze from across the room.

"Aren't you coming?" she asked. He looked down and realized that he was still completely dressed and hadn't even moved to be otherwise. He quickly stripped down to his boxers and climbed into the bed beside her, pulling the covers up over them both. She turned to face him and buried her head in his chest, interlacing her legs with his and wrapping both of her arms around his middle. He was surprised at how forward she was being when "the incident" had just occurred not an hour previously.

"I love you," she whispered into his neck. "I love you so very, very much." He couldn't really tell, but he sensed something sad in her voice, almost as if she were actually trying to convince him of this. He wrapped his arms tightly around her back and waist and dug his nose into her hair, kissing her forehead.

"I know," he assured her, letting her know that he had heard everything she'd said. "I know you do." He waited for a few more moments before adding "and I'll wait for you forever."

Upon hearing his words, she determinedly placed both of her hands on his back and squeezed him firmly into her. She kissed his neck in soft, butterfly kisses that he just barely felt before drifting off to sleep.

*****************************************************************************

End Chapter 8. Continued In Chapter 9.