Title: The Road Home
Author: Kaitlyn
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Burning lungs, dirty dancing, nightswimming and second chances...Loud music, tainted smoke, fiery kisses and racing hearts. Everyone remembers what it was like to be 18. Established R/R and eventual C/M.
In Re To "The Ross Of Chapter 12": I got a few reviews (one in particular) that expressed great dislike and even "disgust" for the way Ross' character was portrayed in Chapter 12. They felt that he was selfish and childlike for only considering the fact that Rachel's virginity was lost to someone else, rather than himself. Well, I have to say, I figured anyone reading this story would know Ross' character well enough, both on the show and in this story, to understand the depth of his love and commitment to Rachel. I wanted to portray him as having felt that something was lost to him- not a sexual prize to be won, but something within HER that had belonged to him. The implication of the "it" wasn't just her virginity- it was the essence of the Rachel he used to know. I didn't know some people would read it as him being selfish. That was not the intent, and I think if you reread it with the knowledge that it was not ONLY in regards to her virginity, then I think you might enjoy it more.
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"Monica?" he asked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and trying to make out the form standing opposite him on the other side of the glass storm door. After giving his eyes proper time to adjust, he was able to decipher that the woman was definitely Monica, clad in an enormous poncho and getting drenched from the sheets of rain that were falling from the night sky. He looked down at his watch. 3:17 am.
"Hi," she replied, holding her hand up awkwardly. He opened the glass door, reached out and pulled her inside. She drops off rain rolled off her waterproof cloak and onto the floor in the foyer as she attempted to shake herself dry. He helped her pull the whole thing off and place it on the coat rack beside the door.
"What are you doing here?" he whispered, scared of waking his parents. It wasn't until then that he became very conscious of the fact that he was wearing boxers and nothing else. He crossed his arms over his chest out of habit.
"I, um...Ugh, Chandler, this whole thing is driving my crazy," she finally admitted, shrugging her shoulders as if she could shake the stress and worriment away.
"Uh, you're going to have to throw me a bone here, Mon. It's 3:30 in the morning. My brain doesn't start functioning until at least 8," he replied, turning to descend the stairs to his right and hoping she'd follow. She did.
"All of this stuff with Rachel. I know it's really selfish of me, but between having to be her best friend through all of this and having to be Ross' sister...I think I'm going insane. I mean, it's affecting me too, you know? But I don't even have time to THINK about that."
Chandler nodded and went to go sit on the small couch in his room, motioning for Monica to sit beside him. His house was a split-level and the entire downstairs served as his basement. He had not had time to turn the light on before answering the door, so they sat and talked in complete darkness.
"Well," he offered, smiling at her through the pitch of the room, "you can think about it now. Tell ME how you feel."
"God, I feel awful. I'm such a terrible person."
"What?" he asked, obviously confused. He reached out and rubbed her arm. "Why would you say that? I don't think you have one terrible...particle in your body."
"No, you don't understand. Rachel and I...we- we had this conversation a few months ago. I told her I was jealous of her- which I guess I always have been, really- and I totally made light of the fact that she was sexually harassed by that guy at the club. I think I even remember telling her she was LUCKY to have guys treat her that way..." He thought he could hear her voice begin to tremble. He couldn't see her face clearly enough, though, to tell if she was crying or not. "And now, with all of this...I just can't believe I ever said that. I feel awful!"
"Aw, come here," he coaxed, pulling her into his lap on the sofa and stroking her hair and back. "It'll be okay," he whispered into her hair. "I'm sure she doesn't even remember that, sweety. You're her best friend and she knows you would never do or say anything to intentionally hurt her."
Monica cried quietly against his chest for a little while and allowed him to rub her back and run his hands over her arms. She had to admit, it did make her feel a little better. Her heart began to race and she was even getting a little dizzy. Finally, she pulled away and scooted back a bit so she could look at him again.
"Do you think they're going to be okay?" Chandler asked her, obviously referring to Ross and Rachel. Monica said nothing for a few seconds.
"I think they love each other enough," she finally replied, not directly answering the question. They both knew the implication, though.
"What's even going on with them right now? Ross told me today that when he went over there last night, they ended up having this big confrontation and it ended with her collapsing in his arms on the floor. It sounded pretty intense. He didn't say anything else, though." Monica nodded.
"Yeah, Rachel called me after he left. I think she's still just really confused. She loves him so much, but then she doesn't know how to be with a man right now- any man. It doesn't matter that it's Ross. She's having a hard time with the trust issue, which is understandable. She said it's like knowing what you want and having it right there, but being too scared to reach out and touch it. It's definitely going to take time."
"I hope Ross can understand that," Chandler submitted. "He's been so patient with all of this already. It's totally killing him. I mean, that guy is SERIOUSLY love sick."
"I know," Monica agreed. "I've never seen anyone like them before." They were quiet for a few awkward, painfully silent moments. Finally, Chandler interrupted the reverie with a sudden, random statement.
"I don't want to be like that," he stated firmly. "I don't want to end up loving someone that much and pushing them away. Or being pushed away. I guess I just believe in living in the moment more, you know?" He turned his body towards her, bringing one leg up on the couch and tucking it underneath him. "I mean, we all know how much Ross and Rachel love each other. There've never BEEN two people more meant for each other. Yet, look at them? They were scared while they were together and they're scared now that they're apart. I can't do that. I've got to take the leap while it's still there to take. Otherwise, we might never know."
"We?" Monica asked, her voice louder and more surprised than she would have liked.
"No! Not 'we' like 'you and me'! 'We' like...society!" He saw her face drop slightly and immediately felt bad. "Not that I DON'T mean you and me. I just meant..." He struggled to finish the sentence but realized he had no idea how to. He breathed a little easier when he saw her laughing.
"Yes," she assured him, taking his hand. "I know what you meant."
"So,uh...do you believe in living in the moment, Monica?" His voice got very low and velvety, the weight of the world resting imbedded in his seductive words. Her reaction was immediate.
"I guess I do," she whispered in response.
He smiled and leaned in to kiss her, feeling her breath on his face before their lips ever met. They both knew what was coming but neither thought of the weightiness of the action. They didn't want to end up like their friends- so in love but lost to one another. They would take the chance while it was still available to them and they would not look back with resentment or anger later on.
With a kiss, they began.
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"Rach? Can I come in?" Monica asked, knocking on the already cracked bedroom door.
"Oh, yeah, sure. I was just, uh, pretending to clean," she joked, laughing a bit nervously and smiling as her friend took a seat at her desk. "What's up?"
"I, um...I think there's something I need to tell you. I'm just not quite sure how to," Monica confided. She didn't know how to confess her secret to her friend for so many reasons. For one, she felt somewhat ashamed of herself. Her actions two nights ago had been out of character for her and she didn't know how her loved ones would react. On the one hand, she knew she shouldn't care, but Rachel's opinion always mattered to her. Then, there was the added pressure of the landmine-like rape subject that stir up some mixed feelings within her friend. She took a deep breath and just said it.
"Chandler and I had sex."
Rachel's eyes widened and her pupils dilated. She was very obviously shocked, her breath having caught in mid breath and suspending itself. She swallowed and took a deep breath, really weighing out and considering the consequences of her friend's admission.
"Wow, Mon...I don't know what to say," she admitted honestly. She DIDN'T know what to say. So many thoughts invaded her mind at once. She was surprised at herself when she realized that one of them was jealous.
"Um..." she continued, trying desperately to collect her thoughts. "When? How?" She was still not sure exactly how she felt about it. She was still somewhat numb to the whole thing.
"Two nights ago. I would have told you sooner, but I couldn't get out of school to come all the way into the city and I didn't want to tell you over the phone."
"So it was the same night of...the same night that I...that Ross and I..." She didn't know how to finish the sentence. Honestly, she STILL wasn't sure of exactly what that night had meant. She thought it best not to think about it just yet. Something about the knowledge that Monica and Chandler had been having sex while she'd been purging all of her pent-up emotions- while she'd been surrendering herself on the floor of her room in Ross' arms- made her cringe. While she'd been crying and cursing and yelling. While she'd been fighting off a faceless, savage army of tasteless demons. While she'd had to endure the simultaneous pain and pleasure of being enveloped in- wrapped up in- the arms of the thing that was paradoxically all that she wanted but all that she'd left behind. Through it all...Monica had been giving up the very thing that Rachel had held too closely- the thing that had caused all this heartache and suffering. Monica had handed it away, just like that.
"Rachel, please say something. I- I wanted to tell you before anyone else. What you think means a lot to me. Please, tell me what you think. Am I a total idiot? I mean, was this just the stupidest thing?"
"No, Mon, no. You aren't an idiot." Her reaction was immediate and she only hoped she meant the words she was saying. "It- it wasn't stupid," she finished in a hushed whisper. She looked down at her lap, pensively and a bit sadly.
"Well then tell me what's the matter, Rach. I know something's wrong."
"It's nothing, Monica," she sighed, using her friend's full name for emphasis. "It's really...it's nothing."
"Don't do this, Rach. I can't take you being disappointed in me. I'm having enough trouble coping with it as it is." Rachel looked up at Monica, catching her gaze and holding it.
"Do you love him?"
"Yes," Monica answered. She had not even flinched. "Yes, I love him."
"Then what do I have to be disappointed about?" Rachel asked, smiling weakly. Monica smiled back and reached out to rub her friend's arm.
"So you don't think it was immature? You don't think it was a mistake?" she asked. Rachel sighed deeply, her gaze seeming to fade out and unfocus. She seemed to be looking 1,000 miles into the distance over Monica's shoulder.
"I think..." she began, taking a pause to stop and consider what she wanted to say. She began again after a moment. "I think that the only immature thing would have been if you had loved him and hadn't taken the chance. That would have been the only mistake. That would have been my only regret." She dropped her far-off gaze, shaking her head a little to come back to reality. "That WAS my only regret."
"Aw, Rach," Monica cooed, patting her friend's shoulder. "Don't do that."
"I know, I know," she replied in defense. "It's not the end of the world. It's not like we can never get it back. It's not I can NEVER be with Ross that way." She paused and looked up at her friend, a very calm serenity coming over her, like she was suddenly endowed with a very mature understanding. "But you only get one first time."
"I know, sweety," Monica comforted. "But you know...maybe it will even be better this way."
"How?" Rachel asked, a bit confused.
"I don't know," Monica shrugged, "but maybe this was just another hurdle along the way that's only going to make it that much more worth the wait, in the end. Maybe this is what's going to make you both realize that it doesn't matter that it's THE first time...it just has to be YOUR first time."
"Thanks, Mon," she sniffled, having started crying during the speech. "I just...I'm tired of pretending that I don't miss him, you know?"
"Then why aren't the two of you together again?" she asked. Rachel shrugged.
"God, I don't even know anymore. We're really screwed up, aren't we?" she asked, only half joking.
"Well..." Monica teased.
"I think I found it again the other night. Whatever it is that we lost, I think I found it. When I was crying and he was holding me...it felt like I never left. It felt like we'd never been apart," Rachel reminisced. "It was only a glimpse of it, but it was there. It hasn't gotten any weaker, I'll tell you that much. It hasn't faded at all."
"Then go to him, Rachel. Just go to him. Forget all the bullshit up until now. Just go to him and tell him everything you know you're both feeling and kiss him until it stops hurting." Rachel smiled upon her friend's suggestion, basking in how nice she knew all of that would be. Suddenly, a strange empowerment came over her. She felt alive and rejuvenated. She felt a familiar strength reenter her body, lifting her from her seat on the bed.
"Monica?" she asked in an enquiring voice.
"Yeah?"
"You'd better stay here."
"What? Why?"
"Because someone's got to watch Jill while I'm gone," she replied, searching hectically and frantically through her dresser drawers.
"Where are you going?" Monica asked, jumping up from the bed. Rachel whirled around, car keys in hand and her heart beating out of her chest. She took a deep breath and answered her friend with the only word in her vocabulary that made any sense to her.
"Home."
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End Chapter 14. Continued in Chapter 15...
Author: Kaitlyn
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Burning lungs, dirty dancing, nightswimming and second chances...Loud music, tainted smoke, fiery kisses and racing hearts. Everyone remembers what it was like to be 18. Established R/R and eventual C/M.
In Re To "The Ross Of Chapter 12": I got a few reviews (one in particular) that expressed great dislike and even "disgust" for the way Ross' character was portrayed in Chapter 12. They felt that he was selfish and childlike for only considering the fact that Rachel's virginity was lost to someone else, rather than himself. Well, I have to say, I figured anyone reading this story would know Ross' character well enough, both on the show and in this story, to understand the depth of his love and commitment to Rachel. I wanted to portray him as having felt that something was lost to him- not a sexual prize to be won, but something within HER that had belonged to him. The implication of the "it" wasn't just her virginity- it was the essence of the Rachel he used to know. I didn't know some people would read it as him being selfish. That was not the intent, and I think if you reread it with the knowledge that it was not ONLY in regards to her virginity, then I think you might enjoy it more.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
"Monica?" he asked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and trying to make out the form standing opposite him on the other side of the glass storm door. After giving his eyes proper time to adjust, he was able to decipher that the woman was definitely Monica, clad in an enormous poncho and getting drenched from the sheets of rain that were falling from the night sky. He looked down at his watch. 3:17 am.
"Hi," she replied, holding her hand up awkwardly. He opened the glass door, reached out and pulled her inside. She drops off rain rolled off her waterproof cloak and onto the floor in the foyer as she attempted to shake herself dry. He helped her pull the whole thing off and place it on the coat rack beside the door.
"What are you doing here?" he whispered, scared of waking his parents. It wasn't until then that he became very conscious of the fact that he was wearing boxers and nothing else. He crossed his arms over his chest out of habit.
"I, um...Ugh, Chandler, this whole thing is driving my crazy," she finally admitted, shrugging her shoulders as if she could shake the stress and worriment away.
"Uh, you're going to have to throw me a bone here, Mon. It's 3:30 in the morning. My brain doesn't start functioning until at least 8," he replied, turning to descend the stairs to his right and hoping she'd follow. She did.
"All of this stuff with Rachel. I know it's really selfish of me, but between having to be her best friend through all of this and having to be Ross' sister...I think I'm going insane. I mean, it's affecting me too, you know? But I don't even have time to THINK about that."
Chandler nodded and went to go sit on the small couch in his room, motioning for Monica to sit beside him. His house was a split-level and the entire downstairs served as his basement. He had not had time to turn the light on before answering the door, so they sat and talked in complete darkness.
"Well," he offered, smiling at her through the pitch of the room, "you can think about it now. Tell ME how you feel."
"God, I feel awful. I'm such a terrible person."
"What?" he asked, obviously confused. He reached out and rubbed her arm. "Why would you say that? I don't think you have one terrible...particle in your body."
"No, you don't understand. Rachel and I...we- we had this conversation a few months ago. I told her I was jealous of her- which I guess I always have been, really- and I totally made light of the fact that she was sexually harassed by that guy at the club. I think I even remember telling her she was LUCKY to have guys treat her that way..." He thought he could hear her voice begin to tremble. He couldn't see her face clearly enough, though, to tell if she was crying or not. "And now, with all of this...I just can't believe I ever said that. I feel awful!"
"Aw, come here," he coaxed, pulling her into his lap on the sofa and stroking her hair and back. "It'll be okay," he whispered into her hair. "I'm sure she doesn't even remember that, sweety. You're her best friend and she knows you would never do or say anything to intentionally hurt her."
Monica cried quietly against his chest for a little while and allowed him to rub her back and run his hands over her arms. She had to admit, it did make her feel a little better. Her heart began to race and she was even getting a little dizzy. Finally, she pulled away and scooted back a bit so she could look at him again.
"Do you think they're going to be okay?" Chandler asked her, obviously referring to Ross and Rachel. Monica said nothing for a few seconds.
"I think they love each other enough," she finally replied, not directly answering the question. They both knew the implication, though.
"What's even going on with them right now? Ross told me today that when he went over there last night, they ended up having this big confrontation and it ended with her collapsing in his arms on the floor. It sounded pretty intense. He didn't say anything else, though." Monica nodded.
"Yeah, Rachel called me after he left. I think she's still just really confused. She loves him so much, but then she doesn't know how to be with a man right now- any man. It doesn't matter that it's Ross. She's having a hard time with the trust issue, which is understandable. She said it's like knowing what you want and having it right there, but being too scared to reach out and touch it. It's definitely going to take time."
"I hope Ross can understand that," Chandler submitted. "He's been so patient with all of this already. It's totally killing him. I mean, that guy is SERIOUSLY love sick."
"I know," Monica agreed. "I've never seen anyone like them before." They were quiet for a few awkward, painfully silent moments. Finally, Chandler interrupted the reverie with a sudden, random statement.
"I don't want to be like that," he stated firmly. "I don't want to end up loving someone that much and pushing them away. Or being pushed away. I guess I just believe in living in the moment more, you know?" He turned his body towards her, bringing one leg up on the couch and tucking it underneath him. "I mean, we all know how much Ross and Rachel love each other. There've never BEEN two people more meant for each other. Yet, look at them? They were scared while they were together and they're scared now that they're apart. I can't do that. I've got to take the leap while it's still there to take. Otherwise, we might never know."
"We?" Monica asked, her voice louder and more surprised than she would have liked.
"No! Not 'we' like 'you and me'! 'We' like...society!" He saw her face drop slightly and immediately felt bad. "Not that I DON'T mean you and me. I just meant..." He struggled to finish the sentence but realized he had no idea how to. He breathed a little easier when he saw her laughing.
"Yes," she assured him, taking his hand. "I know what you meant."
"So,uh...do you believe in living in the moment, Monica?" His voice got very low and velvety, the weight of the world resting imbedded in his seductive words. Her reaction was immediate.
"I guess I do," she whispered in response.
He smiled and leaned in to kiss her, feeling her breath on his face before their lips ever met. They both knew what was coming but neither thought of the weightiness of the action. They didn't want to end up like their friends- so in love but lost to one another. They would take the chance while it was still available to them and they would not look back with resentment or anger later on.
With a kiss, they began.
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"Rach? Can I come in?" Monica asked, knocking on the already cracked bedroom door.
"Oh, yeah, sure. I was just, uh, pretending to clean," she joked, laughing a bit nervously and smiling as her friend took a seat at her desk. "What's up?"
"I, um...I think there's something I need to tell you. I'm just not quite sure how to," Monica confided. She didn't know how to confess her secret to her friend for so many reasons. For one, she felt somewhat ashamed of herself. Her actions two nights ago had been out of character for her and she didn't know how her loved ones would react. On the one hand, she knew she shouldn't care, but Rachel's opinion always mattered to her. Then, there was the added pressure of the landmine-like rape subject that stir up some mixed feelings within her friend. She took a deep breath and just said it.
"Chandler and I had sex."
Rachel's eyes widened and her pupils dilated. She was very obviously shocked, her breath having caught in mid breath and suspending itself. She swallowed and took a deep breath, really weighing out and considering the consequences of her friend's admission.
"Wow, Mon...I don't know what to say," she admitted honestly. She DIDN'T know what to say. So many thoughts invaded her mind at once. She was surprised at herself when she realized that one of them was jealous.
"Um..." she continued, trying desperately to collect her thoughts. "When? How?" She was still not sure exactly how she felt about it. She was still somewhat numb to the whole thing.
"Two nights ago. I would have told you sooner, but I couldn't get out of school to come all the way into the city and I didn't want to tell you over the phone."
"So it was the same night of...the same night that I...that Ross and I..." She didn't know how to finish the sentence. Honestly, she STILL wasn't sure of exactly what that night had meant. She thought it best not to think about it just yet. Something about the knowledge that Monica and Chandler had been having sex while she'd been purging all of her pent-up emotions- while she'd been surrendering herself on the floor of her room in Ross' arms- made her cringe. While she'd been crying and cursing and yelling. While she'd been fighting off a faceless, savage army of tasteless demons. While she'd had to endure the simultaneous pain and pleasure of being enveloped in- wrapped up in- the arms of the thing that was paradoxically all that she wanted but all that she'd left behind. Through it all...Monica had been giving up the very thing that Rachel had held too closely- the thing that had caused all this heartache and suffering. Monica had handed it away, just like that.
"Rachel, please say something. I- I wanted to tell you before anyone else. What you think means a lot to me. Please, tell me what you think. Am I a total idiot? I mean, was this just the stupidest thing?"
"No, Mon, no. You aren't an idiot." Her reaction was immediate and she only hoped she meant the words she was saying. "It- it wasn't stupid," she finished in a hushed whisper. She looked down at her lap, pensively and a bit sadly.
"Well then tell me what's the matter, Rach. I know something's wrong."
"It's nothing, Monica," she sighed, using her friend's full name for emphasis. "It's really...it's nothing."
"Don't do this, Rach. I can't take you being disappointed in me. I'm having enough trouble coping with it as it is." Rachel looked up at Monica, catching her gaze and holding it.
"Do you love him?"
"Yes," Monica answered. She had not even flinched. "Yes, I love him."
"Then what do I have to be disappointed about?" Rachel asked, smiling weakly. Monica smiled back and reached out to rub her friend's arm.
"So you don't think it was immature? You don't think it was a mistake?" she asked. Rachel sighed deeply, her gaze seeming to fade out and unfocus. She seemed to be looking 1,000 miles into the distance over Monica's shoulder.
"I think..." she began, taking a pause to stop and consider what she wanted to say. She began again after a moment. "I think that the only immature thing would have been if you had loved him and hadn't taken the chance. That would have been the only mistake. That would have been my only regret." She dropped her far-off gaze, shaking her head a little to come back to reality. "That WAS my only regret."
"Aw, Rach," Monica cooed, patting her friend's shoulder. "Don't do that."
"I know, I know," she replied in defense. "It's not the end of the world. It's not like we can never get it back. It's not I can NEVER be with Ross that way." She paused and looked up at her friend, a very calm serenity coming over her, like she was suddenly endowed with a very mature understanding. "But you only get one first time."
"I know, sweety," Monica comforted. "But you know...maybe it will even be better this way."
"How?" Rachel asked, a bit confused.
"I don't know," Monica shrugged, "but maybe this was just another hurdle along the way that's only going to make it that much more worth the wait, in the end. Maybe this is what's going to make you both realize that it doesn't matter that it's THE first time...it just has to be YOUR first time."
"Thanks, Mon," she sniffled, having started crying during the speech. "I just...I'm tired of pretending that I don't miss him, you know?"
"Then why aren't the two of you together again?" she asked. Rachel shrugged.
"God, I don't even know anymore. We're really screwed up, aren't we?" she asked, only half joking.
"Well..." Monica teased.
"I think I found it again the other night. Whatever it is that we lost, I think I found it. When I was crying and he was holding me...it felt like I never left. It felt like we'd never been apart," Rachel reminisced. "It was only a glimpse of it, but it was there. It hasn't gotten any weaker, I'll tell you that much. It hasn't faded at all."
"Then go to him, Rachel. Just go to him. Forget all the bullshit up until now. Just go to him and tell him everything you know you're both feeling and kiss him until it stops hurting." Rachel smiled upon her friend's suggestion, basking in how nice she knew all of that would be. Suddenly, a strange empowerment came over her. She felt alive and rejuvenated. She felt a familiar strength reenter her body, lifting her from her seat on the bed.
"Monica?" she asked in an enquiring voice.
"Yeah?"
"You'd better stay here."
"What? Why?"
"Because someone's got to watch Jill while I'm gone," she replied, searching hectically and frantically through her dresser drawers.
"Where are you going?" Monica asked, jumping up from the bed. Rachel whirled around, car keys in hand and her heart beating out of her chest. She took a deep breath and answered her friend with the only word in her vocabulary that made any sense to her.
"Home."
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
End Chapter 14. Continued in Chapter 15...
