Scene Six: Girl Talk, Hogwarts, after the feast, Seventh year girls' dorm.

LILY: [looks around] Hey, what happened to the feast?

DIRECTOR: [shrugs] I got bored. It's the same thing every frikin' year.

OC: Where are the ditzy dorm girls?

DIRECTOR: Oh yeah... I'll get them. [to OC and OC2] Now girls, please pay attention and DO NOT act like these... erm... incredibly intelligent, focused human beings.

Ditzy Dorm Girls enter.

DDG1: Oh my gosh, did you, like, see Sirius Black at the like, feast today? He was looking sooooooooooo hot.

LILY: [annoyed] Actually, no, I didn't because SOMEBODY decided to cut the feast!

DIRECTOR: Not like you missed anything. He was shoveling food in his mouth the entire time.

DDG2: Yeah, but he, like, needs all that food to nurture his bulging muscles!

DIRECTOR: Okay, now she sounds like Petunia.

LILY: Well, Petunia is ditzy.

DDG3: Oooh, and did you see James Potter? I can't believe he got Head Boy!

LILY: Me neither.

DDG4: Well, you know, he totally deserves the position! I mean, he's just so hot!

DDG5: I know exactly what you mean.

LILY: [pokes director] Exactly how many of these are there?

DIRECTOR: [checks script] Erm... I don't know... I forgot to set a limit... Oh well, let's just leave it at five. Any more and your dorm room'll explode. Well, not like it matters to you, since you have your own Head Room. By the way, where is that?

LILY: [smiles archly] Sorry. Confidential Head infor ation.

DIRECTOR: [rolls eyes] Right. Just let me know so I can get the shagging scenes, okay?

DDG3: Oooh! Shagging?? Who?

DIRECTOR: Never mind.

Ditzy Dorm Girls magically disappear in order to make room for girl talk.

LILY: Wait! Wait! Since when was our dorm HUGE and sky blue with sparkles all over the place and comfy furniture and glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling?

DIRECTOR: Uh, duh. You, OC, and OC2 are all really good witches, remember? Plus, you used all your special nymph powers to transform the room and Dumbledore helps because he absolutely LOVES the little Gryffindors.

LILY: Oh. Okay. Let the girl talk begin, then.

OC: So Lily, are you glad to be back?

LILY: Of course I am! You know, Petunia's just such a bee [slaps arm] itch! Howarts is like my second home. [nods] So, what about you guys? Are you glad?

OC2: Well, I guess so. Not like I have anything to compare it too. The director hasn't decided whether my parents are abusive or dead yet.

DIRECTOR: Sure, blame it on the director, why don't ya. Actually, I think I like almost dead.

OC: Like, how can someone be, like, almost dead?

REMUS: [appearing in a puff of smoke] LIKE, CUT THE LIKES ALREADY!!!

DIRECTOR: Thank you Remus.

Remus disappears in the puff of smoke.

LILY: Do you mean they're ghosts?

OC2: No, I mean they're going to die later this year. Probably sometime before Christmas, because we all have to spend our holiday here.

LILY: So you KNOW that and you're so CALM about it?

DIRECTOR: Well, they could be abusive too. And then she wouldn't really be very sorry, would she?

LILY: But!! But! They're her parents!!!

DIRECTOR: [wags finger at Lily] Lily, you're going to have to lose that attitude. Especially since your parents are dying next month.

LILY: WHAT? How could you??

DIRECTOR: Easily. Do me a favor, and act surprised, okay?

LILY: BUT I LIKE MY PARENTS! Well, despite the fact that I know almost nothing about them except that my mother's name is Rose and they're both very nice.

The Director glances at her watch, which now reads "GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!"

DIRECTOR: Oops, we gotta go! Cut to the boy's dorm!

Scene Seven: After the feast, Seventh Year Boys' Dorm

SIRIUS: [dreamily] Mmmm yummy feast...

JAMES: [grumpily] What feast?

DIRECTOR: DO NOT START THAT AGAIN!!

PETER: [pokes head into door] Where am I supposed to be again?

DIRECTOR: [checks script] Death Eater meeting in the Dungeons.

PETER: [withdraws head] Okay.

REMUS: Hey, where's Peter?

JAMES: [gives Remus a funny look] Who cares?

REMUS: [exasperated] Well, that's what it says in my script!

JAMES: [more exasperated] Well, that's what it says in mine too!

REMUS: Ohhhh. Okay.

SIRIUS: Hey, wasn't Remus supposed to be the smart one?

The Director shrugs.

REMUS: Okay, now Sirius, you're supposed to change the subject because none of us are allowed to investigate concerning Peter's whereabouts, since he's currently giving the Death Eaters crucial information about us.

SIRIUS: [blank look] Change the subject to what?

James leans over Sirius' shoulder and points to a spot on the script.

SIRIUS: Oh! Okay! [reads slowly, sounding out the words] So. Did. You. Guys. See. Any. Hot. Girls. Toerag. [Squints] Oops, I mean today?

JAMES: Hell yeah. Did you see Evans?

REMUS: Yeah, you so obviously love her.

JAMES: [snorts] As if, I just think she'd be a great shag.

SIRIUS: [laughs] You can't get Evans to shag you! She hates you! And she's a VIRGIN.

LILY: [appears in a puff of smoke] HOW THE HECK DID YOU KNOW THAT?

DIRECTOR: Lily darling, if you're not a whore, you're a virgin. It's automatic.

LILY: Oh. [disappears]

JAMES: Yes I can!

SIRIUS: [confused look] Yes you can what?

JAMES: Get Evans to shag me. Give it... two weeks, tops.

SIRIUS: Yeah right! I'll bet you two million galleons that you can't!

DIRECTOR: WHOA! CUT! CUT! Wrong track! This isn't a bet fic. This is a "James has changed drastically over the summer and is now really nice and we're all just waiting for Lily to come to her sense and fall in love with him," fic.

SIRIUS: [whines] Why isn't it a bet fic? Those are SO much more interesting!

DIRECTOR: A. Because then James still has to fall for Lily and that takes too long. B. Because then Lily has to find out and get all mad at James. And C. BECAUSE I SAID SO.

REMUS: [brightly] So I don't have to be all ethical and warn James and Sirius about the consequences of their actions?

DIRECTOR: No.

Remus does a very happy dance around the room.

Sirius joins in.

The Director stops them.

DIRECTOR: Scene Seven, Take two!

JAMES: So what about you Moony? Have anyone special in mind?

REMUS: [blushing profusely] Actually, there is this one girl...

SIRIUS: Ooh!! Ooh!! Who??

Remus mutters something under his breath.

SIRIUS: [aghast] WHAT?? YOU LIKE MOANING MYRTLE??

The Director gags.

Sirius falls off the bed and onto the floor, where he rolls around, laughing hysterically.

REMUS: [sighs] No! I like OC2.

JAMES: [In a girly voice] Aww, that's so sweet!

SIRIUS: (who has managed to stop laughing) She's not very hot.

DIRECTOR: She is too!

SIRIUS: Is not!

DIRECTOR: Is too!

SIRIUS: IS NOT!

DIRECTOR: IS TOO!

SIRIUS: IS NOT IS NOT IS NOT!!!

DIRECTOR: IS TOO IS TOO IS TOO!!!

The Director quickly comes to her senses and puts a silencing charm on Sirius.

DIRECTOR: Anyway, it doesn't matter, because Remus likes her for her personality. Or lack thereof.

REMUS: [looking confused] Ooookay. But she is hot, right?

A/N: Sigh. Men.