A/N: For the disclaimer, see chapter 1. Hey, sorry it took a while to post (I have maybe the first six chapters typed up), but I'm grounded AGAIN... Gr. Anyways, thanks for reviews.
tenshinoreika999: Did I spell that right? I hope so... If not, sorry.
Elle: Lol, here's your astronomy tower! The poor thing... what a reputation it has! I'll get back to you on the Remus thing- I feel hypocritical making fun of OCs because I'm working on one... Oh well. I always like the Remus/Tonks ship anyway.
roguemagic13
fiery-eyed-elf: Good job on your fic! Are you planning on posting a sequel?
Scene Seven: THE LONG-AWAITED TUTU SCENE! Hogwarts, Great Hall, Breakfast
The camera zooms in on the Gyffindor table, where James, Peter, Remus, and Sirius are huddled together, looking suspicious.
DIRECTOR: Wait! Lily, OC, and OC2, get over there. You're helping.
LILY: But… but… we'll get detention!
DIRECTOR: [scoffs] And you care because?
OC2: I refuse to aid in such lowly rule breaking!
DIRECTOR: [whispers to Lily] What has she got up her arse?
LILY: [shrugs] A toothbrush, I think.
DIRECTOR: [sighs and turns to OC2] Guess what. I changed my mind. The "We-hate-the-Marauders-club" thing is boring. Can we change it to "The fifth, sixth, and seventh Marauders" thing?
OC: Wait… [stares at her open hand] What happened to the numbers before five? Like, the first… um…. three?
All stare in disbelief.
Ditzy Fangirls appear in puffs of pink, cucumber-melon scented smoke.
Sirius smiles.
DF1: Like, wow, you're like, even stupider than I am!
DF2: Yeah, like DUH. Everyone knows Q comes before five.
DF3: Like, what is Sirius, like, doing with an airhead like her?
REMUS: Whoa, she actually used "like" in the correct place.
JAMES: (solemnly) Must've been a typo.
SIRIUS: (to the DF3) Um, actually-
DF4: [Cuts him off] Don't worry Siri-poo, it's not your fault! You're allowed to have bad judgment once in a while.
PETER: Can we get on with the tutu?
JAMES: [gives Peter a weird look] Aren't you supposed to be twitching in guilt over harming a fellow death eater?
PETER: I don't know. Is Snape evil and does he want to rape Lily?
LILY: (indignantly) EXCUSE me?
DIRECTOR: No, he's perfectely harmless. Just stupid.
PETER: Oh, okay. In that case, no.
Introductory music plays.
SIRIUS: And here's your host- Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaames Pottttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttter!
James, who has somehow snuck out or something, re-enters.
JAMES: And now, ladies and gents—
DIRECTOR: And Peter [snickers]
JAMES: And Professor M.
A far off cry of "DETENTION, POTTER!" is audible.
SIRIUS: And furballs and dust bunnies and suits of armor and crayons and rubber bands and cowboy hats and purple lollipops and lumps of wax and jellybeans—
JAMES: (good-naturedly ignoring him) May I now present… SNIVELLUS THE DANCING, TUTU-WEARING, PIMPIN' SLYTHERIN!
Snape sticks his (greasy) head into the entrance to the Great Hall.
SNAPE: (angrily) Excuse me! We had a deal! My stage name is SEVERUS THE ALL-MIGHTY, SUPER-STRONG, VERY BUFF, AND EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE SLIMEBALL! It says so in my contract.
JAMES: [pulls out contract and reads it] Oh, sorry. [Turns back to the students] What he said.
More music plays. Severus Snape enters in a short tutu and a leotard. He does a little dance, much to the delight of all the students.
SNAPE: [curtsies and trots away] Remember Potter, that's TOAD SKIN AND DRAGON EYEBALL in my sparkling water!
JAMES: Yeah, yeah.
DUMBLEDORE: [walks over] Well done, Mr. Potter. An amazing use of the incredibely illegal Imperious Charm, among other things.
REMUS: (borededly (is that a word?)) Just give us detention already.
DUMBLEDORE: Yeah, yeah. Do you want dangerous scary detention in which Death Eaters show up, funny detention in which everyone ends up in the hospital wing, or romantic detention?
DIRECTOR: Romantic detention. It's about time.
OC2: [clutches throat] Not… the… raging…hormones! [faints]
All stare at her crumpled body. The Director throws Remus a pointed look.
REMUS: [sighs loudly] Do I HAVE to?
SIRIUS: (matter-of-factly) Do you want action?
Remus groans and picks up OC2.
REMUS: (sarcastically) Wow! I am so surprised at her incredible lightness, as well as her incredible beauty! I feel as if I am holding an angel in my arms! I must get her to the hospital wing as quickly as possible because I am so worried about her well-being! Oh no, what shall I do!
SIRIUS: (sobbing) Amazing Moony, just amazing. I'm so touched. [blows nose in James' sleeve]
Remus exits, hopefully in pursuit of the hospital wing.
DUMBLEDORE: (solemnly) I have made my decision. Sirius, Remus, and Peter will have detention tonight cleaning cauldrons for the evil potions professor, whoever he is. James and Lily, you will be filing papers for Professor Flitwick.
LILY: What? Why do I have detention? I didn't do anything!
JAMES: (smugly) That's what they all say.
DIRECTOR: Because it's ROMANTIC detention. Duh. It's not like you have to do any work anyway. Professor Flitwick likes you.
OC1: (interestedly) Oooh, are you sleeping with him?
Scene Eight: Romantic Detention (Gone Wrong, As Usual), Charms Classroom, that night.
LILY: [flips idly through papers] Merlin, these people are stupid.
JAMES: [peers over her shoulder] Hey, that's my paper!
LILY: No it's not. You never handed in your paper because your unicorn ate it.
JAMES: Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Parchment is kinda tough. Poor Horny had indigestion for two days
DIRECTOR: [taps her foot] Can we get on with it?
JAMES: [takes a deep breath and turns to Lily] Hi Lily.
LILY: [looks at him strangely] Hullo.
JAMES: Um, I know you think I'm a horrible person and I deserve to burn at the stake, not that that would hurt me anyway, but I've completely turned around and I love you.
LILY: [reads off the script] Oh James, the one whose hair shines like the rising sun—wait… [squints at James] Since when was the rising sun black?
DIRECTOR: Eclipse.
LILY: Oh! Okay. [Scans her lines] Yada yada… blah blah… okay, I love you too.
JAMES: (hopefully) Okay, can we snog now?
LILY: (angrily) You horrible person! You just want to get me into your pants!
JAMES: I'm not wearing pants. I'm wearing robes.
DIRECTOR: (bug-eyed) So what are you wearing under your
robes?
JAMES: A kilt! [pulls out bagpipes from Merlin-knows-where]
LILY: Okay, now you're just weird. [checks script] I will be stalking off in a fit of fury now!
JAMES: [waves] Okay, bye! Don't forget, you owe Sirius furry stickers and we have a Head meeting tomorrow!
Lily leaves. James returns to his bagpipes.
Scene Nine: Head Meeting (Also Gone Wrong), Astronomy Tower, Quite Late at Night
Lily enters and looks around. The tower is completely bare, except for the Director and James, who is holding a closet somewhat behind his back.
LILY: Why is the Head meeting here?
DIRECTOR: Because A. stuff always happens at Head meetings and B. stuff always happens at the astronomy tower and C. WE ARE ON A SCHEDULE HERE!
LILY: [takes out notebook] Then we'd better get started. What do we have to plan?
DIRECTOR: Oh, I already did that for you. Halloween Ball, Christmas Ball, Illegal New Year's Ball, Valentine's Day Ball, Leap Year Ball—
JAMES: It's not a leap year.
DIRECTOR: Don't interrupt! Spring Ball, Easter Ball, Lily's Birthday Ball, Flower Ball, Beginning-of-May Ball, End-of-May Ball, Masked Ball, Snog Ball, Graduation Ball… and I think that's all. (Hey! That rhymed!)
LILY: So now what do we do?
JAMES: [pulls out the closet] This is where I come in! We're doing the Astronomy Tower part!
LILY: [eyes the closet] What is that?
JAMES: My equipment.
Sirius magically appears in a puff of smoke and snickers.
JAMES: [gives Sirius a disgusted look] Oh, grow up. And stop interrupting my moment!
Sirius disappears again, still snickering.
James opens the closet doors and pulls out a large picnic basket, as well as a rumpled sheet, which he spreads on the floor.
LILY: [stares at the sheet] What is that?
JAMES: It's our picnic blanket! You know, nighttime romantic picnic at the astronomy tower?
LILY: It has naked women printed all over it.
JAMES: (sheepishly) Yeah, it's Sirius'. His sheets are cleaner than mine.
LILY and DIRECTOR: Um, EW!
JAMES: (thoughtfully) That was ditzy.
DIRECTOR: Where the hell is the props manager? [goes off to find the props manager]
Lily conjures up an armchair and sits down.
LILY: Okay, whatever, let's eat and get this over with, I have an appointment with Amos Diggory in two hours.
James opens the picnic basket, revealing its contents, which consist entirely of firewhiskey bottles.
LILY: JAMES HAROLD-BECAUSE-APPARENTLY-THAT-IS-HOW-HARRY-GOT-HIS-NAME POTTER! Are you trying to get me drunk so that I'll snog you and maybe shag you and then yell at you in the morning? Or so you get to carry me off to bed and change my clothes and be gentlemanly about it?
JAMES: Is that a trick question?
LILY: [jumps off the armchair] I can't believe this! Actually, I can because you're a jerk-off, but whatever!
Lily, once again, flounces out.
JAMES: [pulls his bagpipes from the closet] Wait! I still have to do my serenade scene!
The Director reappears and observes the situation.
DIRECTOR: When I find that props manager…
A/N: Sorry Sev. But you honestly don't look that ridiculous... I should've added Malfoy too. Oh well. Maybe he'll go evil and corner Lily or something. Review!
