A/N: Disclaimer: see chapter 1. I forget who reviewed, if anyone did. Just finished reading some L/J and was filled with rage anew. Ho hum.

Scene Ten: The Other People, A Very Small Broom Closet, Even Later At Night.

Amos Diggory is waiting in a very small broom closet, in complete darkness. Outside in the hallway, the Evil Girl is walking slowly, wearing a very slutty outfit. (Actually, it's very similar to Lily's outfit, but when Lily wears it, it's seductive, not slutty.) The Evil Girl eyes the broom closet door and opens it.

Amos grabs the Evil Girl and they start snogging.

Lily comes down the hall, checking a piece of purple parchment she is holding.

LILY: (innocently) Why on earth does Amos want me to meet him in a broom closet? What would we do in there?

DIRECTOR: Gee, I wonder!

FILCH: (from the other end of the hallway) Nooo!! Not the broom closet!!! That's my favorite broom closet!!! Professor, make them leave my lovely broom closet alone!!

DUMBLEDORE: [appears in a puff of smoke] Terribly sorry Argus. Plot development, you know.

Filch leaves, sobbing, and Dumbledore disappears again.

Lily opens the door of the broom closet to reveal Amos and the Evil Girl locked in their passionate embrace.

LILY: (shocked) Amos! How could you? You're snogging somebody who isn't me!

AMOS: (dumbfounded) Huh? [stares at the Evil Girl] Hey, you're not Lily!

EVIL GIRL: [stares at Amos] You're not James!

LILY: JAMES?!? Where did JAMES come into this??

JAMES: [runs up breathlessly] She seduced me! I swear! She gave me a potion that rendered me helpless and completely devoid of judgment! She put the Imperious Curse on me! She drank the Polyjuice potion and pretended to be you! She dressed up in a bunny suit!!!

DIRECTOR: I suggest you hire a lawyer.

LILY: [glares at Amos] You know what? We're OVER!

AMOS: Uh, I don't remember being together in the first place.

DIRECTOR: [shrugs] Sorry, scheduling problems. I think we're supposed to film that part in a month or so.

Lily stalks away.

JAMES: [turns to the Director] Can I go comfort her now?

DIRECTOR: Break up with the Evil Girl first.

JAMES: (Breathlessly) Sorry can't shag you, have to go hook up with Lily, not that you care anyway, might cheat with you later, bye!

James runs down the hallway after Lily.

EVIL GIRL: (seductively) So Amos, how do you feel about bunnies?

Scene Eleven: The Bet, Seventh-Year Boys' Dorm, the Next Day or Something Like That.

James is sitting on his bed, polishing his bagpipes and his broom. Sirius is bouncing on another bed, probably Peter's.

SIRIUS: HEY JAMSIE!

JAMES: What?

SIRIUS: Oh Jamesie, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, HEY JAMSIE!

JAMES: WHAT?

SIRIUS: I'm bored. Let's make a bet.

JAMES: Okay. I bet you half a knut you can't stop bouncing on the bed.

SIRIUS: [stops bouncing] Ha! I won! Pay up!

JAMES: [hands Sirius half a knut and mutters to himself] A small price to pay… (Directly to Sirius) Are you happy now?

SIRIUS: Uh… no, I don't think so. [Squints at his script] We're supposed to make a bet about Lily.

JAMES: [Looks up quickly] Lily radar going off! You said "Lily!"

SIRIUS: I bet you five galleons that you can't get Lily to sleep with you by the next ball, whenever that is.

DIRECTOR: (annoyed) Did you say five galleons?

SIRIUS: (sheepishly) That's all I have. Stawberry dungboms are expensive.

DIRECTOR: FIVE GALLEONS?

SIRIUS: FINE! ROB ME OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME! FIVE GALLEONS AND HALF A KNUT!

DIRECTOR: Okay.

JAMES: Wait. Why are we making a bet anyway?

SIRIUS: [shakes head] Cute, but not too bright.

DIRECTOR: Because then you can woo Lily and she'll fall in love with you and you can fall in love back and then she can find out about the bet and get mad at you and then she can hurt you and forgive you and then you two can get married and shag. The end.

SIRIUS: (with rapt attention) Do they live happily ever after?

DIRECTOR: (guiltily) Um… maybe?

There is a moment of silence.

JAMES: Hey Sirius, I'll give you the other half of the knut if you take the blame for this whole thing.

Scene Twelve: The Deal, Gryffindor Common Room, A Few Minutes Later.

Lily is sitting in an armchair by the fire, sulking. James comes down and proceeds to plop into her lap.

LILY: (in a muffled tone) Ow! Potter! What do you think you're doing? You're HEAVY!

JAMES: (complacently) Well, muscle is heavier than fat.

LILY: Get OFF me!

Lily pushes James off her lap. He lands in the fire.

James steps out of the fire.

JAMES: Really Ev- Lily, that was uncalled for.

LILY: (curiously) Why didn't the fire hurt you?

JAMES: Oh, you know, special powers. Telekinesis, ESP, wandless magic, nature spirits, vampireness, etc., something in there has to do with fire.

LILY: (in a completely understanding way because she, too, has all these powers and much, much more) Oh. Okay. So what do you want?

JAMES: [pauses] Good question… Oh! I remember! [clears his throat and puffs out his chest] Lily Evans, I am here to seduce you.

DIRECTOR: (sarcastically) How very subtle.

LILY: (suspiciously) Why are you trying to seduce me?

JAMES: Because I have a bet with Sirius about sleeping with you and making you fall in love with me and dumping you and breaking your heart.

Lily, at a loss for words, begins to rapidly turn purple.

JAMES: [calls up the staircase] Oy! Sirius! Now would be a good time to earn your you-know-what by doing the you-know-what!

There is a loud crash as Sirius slides down the banister and crashes into a porcelain cat in the common room.

SIRIUS: [reads off a small scrap of purple parchment] Lily, I just wanted to tell you that I forced James into the bet and it was entirely my fault. James is really madly in love with you and he wants to hold you in his arms for ee… ee… ee…

DIRECTOR: Eternity.

SIRIUS: Yeah, that. Anyway, could you please forgive him because you know you love him anyway and if you break off the bet I get to keep my money plus the half knut I just earned?

LILY: I am going to practice selective listening and say that was sweet.

SIRIUS: Why, thank you.

JAMES: (indignantly) Excuse me? I wrote it! I want the credit!

LILY: [sticks her fingers in her ears] Selective listening, selective listening, selective listening…

JAMES: So… now what?

LILY: [pulls out her own sheet of purple parchment] James, darling, I need to discuss something with you.

James looks up attentively.

LILY: You see, there's this guy that I have a huge crush on. I really, really want him to notice me.

SIRIUS: [catcalls loudly] Oooh! Who? Tell me! Tell me! Please? I promise I won't tell! That time with McGonagall and the marker was an accident, I swear!

DIRECTOR: (annoyed) Go away Sirius. Go snog or something.

Sirius leaves.

LILY: So anyway, I was wondering if you could pose as my boyfriend, to, you know, make him jealous.

JAMES: (jealously and sadly) Who is this perfect guy who has stolen your precious heart?

LILY: Actually, he's you.

JAMES: What?

DIRECTOR: (defensively) It's the budget, okay? We had casting problems.

JAMES: (to Lily) So let me get this straight. I'm pretending to like you and you're pretending to like me in order to make me like you because you like me.

LILY: Basically.

JAMES: (hopefully) So you like me?

LILY: [stands up] You know what? You're an IMMATURE SHALLOW PRICK! I don't want you for a boyfriend anymore! [stalks away] Ow! Shin splints!

JAMES: [looks pleadingly at the Director] Now what do I do?

Sirius bounces back into the room, covered with lipstick in LOTS of places. (AN: *smiles*)

SIRIUS: You have a party!

A/N: Party's coming up (obviously)... Shin splints really do hurt...