A/N: This section's a bit long, I think. Sorry if you hate scrolling down and down and down (I definitely do), but I couldn't quite figure out a way to split this up. And about that disclaimer, I'm not Shakespeare. Actually, some people don't think Shakespeare was actually Shakespeare, so I guess it doesn't matter anyway. And Shakespeare doesn't have a copyright. I don't think. If he does, it's probably expired. Shutting up now.

Thanks:

fallen816angel: Lol, I love L/J fics too, I was just really annoyed when I posted that last chapter... But L/J is so much more interesting than Harry... don't you think?

Cynthia: :looks around guiltily: Erm, well, see... about that 70's thing... I could tell you that this whole fic is making fun of the use of twenty-first century language in L/J fics through the excessive use of twenty-first century language... but that would be a lie... Sorry, but I have no idea how people in the 70s (much less people in England in the 70s) talked and dressed, so even if I wrote something serious (sirius!) I probably wouldn't make it authentic for the time period. If it makes you happy, there's a "dude" in here... or was that the sixties? Oh, and there is a completely coincidental mention of the whole time period thing in here too... Which is really really awesome because I wrote this way before reading your review (before I posted chapter five, even)!

Also, today we bring you this very important message:

WARNING: Suicide, Rape, and Unplanned Pregnancy are not funny things. However, they are also not dramatic and angsty things that magically create a damsel in distress, and therefore do not make very good plot devices (unless in the hands of truly awesome authors). The end.

Scene Thirteen: The Party, Gryffindor Common Room, Very Late at Night.

Lily, OC, and OC2 are clustering in a corner of the crowded common room.

OC: [Reads off her script] Wow Lily, I, like, love your outfit!

OC2: (dryly) Or lack of outfit.

LILY: Erm, what's my outfit again?

OC: [shrugs] I dunno.

DIRECTOR: Depends on whether I'm punk or prep.

OC2: So which is it?

DIRECTOR: [shrugs] I'm leaning toward preppy. I'm not good with punk bands.

A wave of sparkles descends upon the party. Lily, OC, and OC2 find themselves wearing matching strapless dresses in red, blue, and silver.

LILY: Let's go girls!

OC: Um, like where?

OC2: [Yawns] Dance or drink?

DIRECTOR: Drink.

They head over to the punch table, which is obviously spiked (the punch, not the table). Lily has a few glasses.

LILY: [Giggles drunkenly] Can I go dance now?

DIRECTOR: Yeah, sure. Go dance with James.

Lily and James dance, INSERT description of all the little sexual feelings, blah blah.

LILY: (in a slurred tone) Hey Jamsie, let's go shag!

JAMES: Why does everyone call me Jamsie?

DIRECTOR: [shrugs] If you want we can change it to Jamie.

James does not answer, as he has been attacked by Lily. Lily body-binds James and sends him into her Head bedroom.

JAMES: Mmph! Mmph! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

Scene Fourteen: The Morning After, Lily's room, in the morning (obviously)

Lily and James are lying on Lily's bed, entwined and all that. James awakens first and watches the sleeping Lily lovingly.

James pokes Lily.

Lily continues to sleep.

James pokes Lily again.

Lily snores a bit.

James pokes Lily a third time.

Lily snores a bit more.

James begins to poke Lily rapidly and repeatedly.

Lily is finally roused.

LILY: WHAT?

JAMES: I want eggs and sausage for breakfast.

LILY: (with deliberate control) And I suppose you want me to make them for you?

JAMES: [checks his script] No, I'm just telling you. And you're supposed to get mad at me because you don't like eggs and sausage

LILY: Well, I don't.

JAMES: Well, I do.

The Director hurries over and whispers frantically in Lily's ear. An enlightened expression appears on Lily's face.

LILY: [turns to James] WELL I DON'T! AND I'M NOT GOING TO SLEEP WITH ANYBODY WHO LIKES EGGS AND SAUSAGE BECAUSE EGGS AND SAUSAGE ARE ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING!

JAMES: Would you like them here or there? Would you like them anywhere?

LILY: (angrily) You think you're so funny, but you're killing all those poor little cows for YOUR STUPID BREAKFAST!

JAMES: Uh… Lily? Eggs and sausage don't come from cows.

LILY: SEE? Now you're trying to make fun of me! You're insulting my intelligence! You're hurting my feelings! I hate you!

Lily, who is still naked, runs out of the room sobbing. James watches appreciatively.

JAMES: (to the Director) Er… eggs and sausage?

DIRECTOR: (matter-of-factly) Well, you needed to have an argument. And I couldn't find the Evil Girl or the Ditzy Fangirls this early in the morning.

JAMES: You know, I don't actually like eggs and sausage.

DIRECTOR: Okay.

Scene Fifteen: The Pregnancy, Girls' bathroom, a few days later.

Lily is sitting on the bathroom floor, sobbing loudly with a muggle pregnancy test in her hand. (Were those even around during the seventies/ eighties?) OC and OC2 are just outside the door.

OC: Should we, like, go in and comfort her or something?

OC2: How about I do the comforting and you get in a fight with her?

OC: Why?

OC2: Because I'm the nice, soothing one and you're the one she fights with.

OC: Oh, FINE! [Yells through the bathroom door] Lily, if you don't, like, open this door, like, right now you will, like, lose our friendship!

LILY: (with a sob) So it be!

OC2 gives OC a thumbs up, and OC leaves.

OC2 goes into the bathroom and hugs Lily.

OC2: (sympathetically) Aw, Lils, what's worng?

LILY: I'm pre.. pre...pre...

OC2: Premenstrual?

LILY: (sheepishly) Kinda the opposite, actually. I'm pregnant.

OC2: Yeah, I figured.

LILY: (sarcastically) Thanks.

OC2: So who's the father?

LILY: I dunno.

OC2: What?

DIRECTOR: What?

James appears in a puff of smoke.

JAMES: WHAT?

OC2: [screams] Ahhhh! Boy in the girls' bathroom! [faints]

Remus appears in a puff of smoke.

REMUS: Not again!

The Director smiles sweetly at Remus.

Remus reluctantly scoops up OC2 and leaves for the hospital wing.

JAMES: [Turns to Lily] So Lily, about this father thing...

LILY: (Calmly) Probably rape. That would certainly account for my current intense depression and angst.

JAMES: That's terrible! Is there anything I can do?

LILY: Wait until after the next scene. [winks] Don't call us, we'll call you.

JAMES: Was that foreshadowing?

Scene Sixteen: The Suicide Attempt, that afternoon, the Astronomy Tower.

Lily is staring out the window of the tower, alone and deep in thought. The Director enters rather noisily.

DIRECTOR: Okay Lily, are you ready?

LILY: Uh, I guess.

DIRECTOR: Do you have everything on your checklist?

LILY: [Takes a list (on purple parchment, of course) out of her robe pocket and scans it] Let's see... Knife, check; tears, check; photos, check; privacy, check; suicide notes left in dorms, check; permit, check... What else?

DIRECTOR: Parachute?

LILY: Oh yeah. Check.

DIRECTOR: Okay, now remember, this is a very precise operation. You have to hit the ground too quickly for James to find out and catch you or throw up a cushion, but slow enough to avoid actually killing yourself. Hence the parachute. The impact must be hard enough to kill the baby and throw you into a coma. Blood and broken bones are also great for dramatic effects. Got it?

LILY: [Waves her hand in the air] I have a question! Why do I have to slit my wrists AND jump? It's a horrible waste of energy. Not to mention blood. I'm type O negative you know, and it's awfully hard to find a donor for that.

DIRECTOR: [Shrugs] More drama? Giving James another chance to save you? Besides, I don't think wizards really care about blood types. And you have to admit it'd be rather interesting if the blood came down a few seconds behind you.

LILY: Er... Okay.

DIRECTOR: Okay! Jumpers on your mark... get set... go!

Lily slits her wrists and jumps out of the Astronomy Tower, activating her parachute just before she crashes into the ground below.

James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, OC, and OC2 come running and stare at her crumpled body.

Peter holds up a sign that reads "9.2."

OC: [waves a purple piece of parchment around] So everyone got the suicide notes, right?

Everyone nods.

JAMES: [stares at his note] Do you reckon they want us to feel guilty or something?

Scene Seventeen: The Short-Lived Quidditch Game, the Next Morning, the Quidditch Field (obviously)

The Gryffindor team is in the air, facing the Slytherin team. James is the seeker, Someone Wood is the keeper (unless he happens to be in Ravenclaw), Remus and Sirius are beaters, and OC and OC2 are chasers. Lily is still in a coma, but they are progressing satisfactorily without her, due to their awesome Quidditch skills. Peter is rooting on the Slytherin side, but no one takes note of this, despite the fact that he is waving around a giant foam snake. The Slytherin team is composed to various deatheaters and Someone Flint.

PETER: Go Lucius! You rock my socks!

REMUS: [flies by OC] Hey, aren't we supposed to be vigilantly watching Lily in her comatose state and crying and feeling sorry for her?

OC2: The Director promised this would be a really short scene.

REMUS: But-

With a loud crack, a bludger sent by Lucius Malfoy hits James in the ribs. He falls off his expensive broom and crashes to the ground. Chaos ensues.

OC2: (smugly) Told you so.

Scene Eighteen: The Hospital Wing, Not Very Much Later in the Morning, the Hospital Wing (Again, obviously).

Lily is lying motionless on a hospital bed, with quite a few broken bones and bandages. Several house-elves on exercise bikes are powering a respirator and some other machines (which are there to heighten the drama).

James is lying on a bed nearby, with a fewer number of broken bones and bandages. He too, is conked out.

The Director, Remus, Sirius, OC, and OC2 are sitting around and waiting for them to awaken, sipping cocktails. Peter is off somewhere getting his Dark Mark or something like that.

OC: (to the Director) Uh, how are Lily and James supposed to be, like, nice to each other and, like, worry about each other if they're both, like, unconscious?

SIRIUS: (brightly) So that's why it's so quiet in here!

DIRECTOR: Well, we had to squeeze them both in here while we could. The Oliver Wood/Katie Bell shippers have it booked for the next few months.

REMUS: The who?

DIRECTOR: Never mind. [Mutters disparagingly under her breath about Sean Biggerstaff.]

The screen goes black and little white words that read "Five minutes later," flash across.

SIRIUS: Moony? I'm bored.

REMUS: Okay.

The screen goes black again and little white words that say "Five More Minutes Later," flash across.

SIRIUS: I'm REALLY bored.

REMUS: Okay.

The screen goes blank again... and, well, the reader is expected to follow the precedent.

SIRIUS: Can we go do the Whomping Willow Incident?

REMUS: No.

SIRIUS: Why not?

REMUS: Because A. It's not full moon, B. That was last year, and C. James can't exactly save him in his current state..

JAMES: [opens his eyes] Save who?

DIRECTOR: Save WHOM.

James is about to reply when he sees Lily.

JAMES: Dude! What happened to her?

SIRIUS: Uh, you know, that's Lily Evans, she had a fight with you, she took a long walk off the narrow Astronomy Tower?

JAMES: Huh?

REMUS: (suspiciously) Does he have amnesia or something?

DIRECTOR: Just a second. [Chases out Oliver Wood/Katie Bell shippers.] Alright, he should be okay now.

JAMES: I'm not okay! The love of my life is in a coma!

DIRECTOR: Duh, she'll wake up eventually. That's how the story goes.

JAMES: So... who's baby is it anyway?

DIRECTOR: [shrugs] The baby's dead. Who cares?

OC2: YOU KILLED THE BABY?

DIRECTOR: Um, yeah. What am I supposed to do, make a sequel that's all "Harry has a mysterious older sister who falls in love with Ron or Draco"?

OC: Awww! I want one!

DIRECTOR: [looks confused] A sequel? [pauses] I might be able to arrange that. Something about being a godmother and frozen in a time warp for a couple decades?

OC: No! I want a baby!

Sirius, who fears commitment, edges away.

Madame Pomfrey comes in with a dreamless sleep potion.

MADAME POMFREY: Mr. Potter! You need your rest! Drink this!

Madame Pomfrey, who is still very young and not as experienced as in her later days, leaves the room without personally witnessing administration of the potion.

James shakily gets out of his bed and approaches Lily's.

JAMES: O my love! My wife!

SIRIUS: What?

DIRECTOR: Future wife. Whatever.

JAMES: Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath

Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty.

Thou art not conquered; beauty's ensign yet

Is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks,

And death's pale flag is not advancèd there.

SIRIUS: That's 'cos she's not dead, dumbass.

DIRECTOR: Neither was Juliet.

JAMES: [skims the script] Doesn't apply, yada yada... Okay, here.

Ah, dear Lily,

Why art thou yet so fair? Shall I believe

That unsubstantial death is amorous,

And that the lean abhorrèd monster keeps

Thee here in the dark to be his paramour?

SIRIUS: What's a paramour?

DIRECTOR: Nothing very nice. Use context clues. And stop interrupting.

JAMES: For fear of that, I still will stay with thee,

And never from this palace of dim night

HOUSE ELF (BIBBY): [squeaks] Oh no! Does Master think the Hospital Wing is too dark, sir? Should Blippy add more candles, sir? Would sir like some green torches, perhaps? Oh, Bibby is sorry, sir!

The Hospital Wing immediately blazes with a heavenly light. All shield their eyes.

JAMES: [dons a pair of sunglasses] Depart again. Here, here will I remain

With worms that are thy chambermaids.

BIBBY: Oh no! Is there worms in the Hospital Wing, sir? Bibby must find Mister Filch!

DIRECTOR: [throws Bibby out (kindly, in complete accordance with the by-laws of SPEW)] Sorry James. Carry on.

JAMES: Oh, here

Will I set up my everlasting rest,

And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars

From this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last!

Arms, take your last embrace! And lips, O you

The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss

A dateless bargain to engrossing death!

Come, bitter conduct, come unsavory guide!

Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on

The dashing rocks thy seasick weary bark.

Here's to my love! [Drinks the poison... er... potion] O true apothecary!

Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.

James collapses into a dreamless sleep.

Sirius and Remus pick up James and toss him back onto his own bed.

SIRIUS: (huffily) What a drama queen.

Review! And what are your greatest grievances concerning Christmas?