Yeah... Um... Okay... Death and getting run over by flobberworms isn't funny... I'm just trying to make a point... (or at least a stub...) Also, this chapter is dedicated to TheBoredOneXIII (I think that's you... sry if it isn't..) because she reminded me of the all-important mistletoe! I can't believe I almost forgot it... where would Christmas be without mistletoe?
Thank yous:
ScaramoucheJay: Thanks =) I fall into a lot of these traps myself... how else would I know about them?
TheSiriusSparrow
Quack Quack 88
Christy Corr: Yeah, I know! What is with that? Does Peter just give off evil vibes or something?
Summer Rain of '89
Kiwaussi
Disclaimer: See chapter 1. I actually don't think I've done a disclaimer in a while, but whatever.
Scene Twenty-One: The Killing Spree, Dumbledore's Office, The Next Day
Dumbledore, looking very grave, is sitting in a beach chair in the middle of his office. (Password- Some Stupid Candy). Lily, James, Sirius, Remus, OC, OC2, Peter, and the Director are sitting on the floor, waiting expectantly.
DUMBLEDORE: My fellow countrymen--
OC2: I'm a transfer.
DUMBLEDORE: Whatever. We gather today to learn of very sad news and to comfort each other in various ways.
Sirius snickers.
The Director glares at Sirius.
Sirius attempts to look serious.
JAMES: [scowls at the script] Not another Sirius pun! Seriously, those are getting SO old!
DIRECTOR: You can't have a serious L/J story without a Sirius pun. Or else it would be seriously deprived. Any serious author knows that. Because without it, the story would be too serious and readers would be seriously bored, not to mention seriously compelled to fall into serious depression.
DUMBLEDORE: [clears his throat loudly] AS I WAS SAYING, I regret to inform you that all your parents are dead. All except Peter's, because in the third book his mother gets a piece of his finger.
All stare at Peter's hand.
SIRIUS: Was it the middle finger?
LILY: Did he just say our parents are dead?
DUMBLEDORE: (ecstatically) Someone listened to me! [Gets up and does a happy dance.]
Sirius joins in the happy dance.
The Director stops them.
DIRECTOR: (impatiently) Will you people stop and act sad already!
James and Lily fall to the ground, bawling.
OC: I think I was, like, an orphan something.
DIRECTOR: [shrugs] Then you just got orphaned again.
OC: That, like, sucks.
SIRIUS: [waves his hand in the air] Excuse me! Do I have to act sad too? Cuz I don't really like my parents. And I don't really think they like me either.
REMUS: (under his breath) Who does?
DIRECTOR: I guess not. [glares sternly] But no happy dances either.
SIRIUS: Fine. [pouts sexily]
REMUS: So... how did they die anyway?
DUMBLEDORE: Voldemort. The usual.
OC2: (dubiously) And you expect us to believe that they all died at the very same time?
DIRECTOR: Um...they were all at a meeting of Project Graduation and they got ambushed?
JAMES: [sniffles] So everybody's Mummy and Daddy are dead?
DIRECTOR: Yeah, basically. Except, you know, the deatheater ones because their parents were doing the killing.
JAMES: Yay! Stupid Amos Diggory's parents are dead! Haha!
Everyone arches an eyebrow, except Peter, who can't and raises both instead.
JAMES: (defensively) Well, I don't like him.
REMUS: [nods] Yup, he's jealous.
LILY: Are you still going on about that broom closet thing?
JAMES: I'm not jealous! I just don't like people touching my things.
SIRIUS: You let Lily touch your things.
REMUS: Amos Diggory touched your things?
DIRECTOR: I think he means Lily is his thing and Amos Diggory touched her.
LILY: I am not! He's my thing! (to James) Aren't you?
JAMES: [scoffs] No.
SIRIUS: [coughs loudly] Whipped.
JAMES: I am not!
LILY: Are too.
JAMES: Are not... I mean, am not.
LILY: Are too.
JAMES: Am not.
LILY: Go get me food from the kitchen.
JAMES: Okay. [leaves]
LILY: Are too.
DUMBLEDORE: Hem hem!
The Director eyes Dumbledore in a very threatening way.
DUMBLEDORE: I mean... what about the parents?
OC2: Oh yeah, them. I guess we have to find a new place to stay for the Christmas holiday.
REMUS: And collect our inheritances.
OC: And, like, be all depressed and withdrawn.
LILY: [pokes Director] You forgot that Petunia has to blame me for their deaths and make me cry.
DIRECTOR: Well, Petunia left. Her contract expired.
LILY: Oh. That's one more funeral to attend, then.
SIRIUS: YAY! I love funeral hopping!
Scene Twenty-Two: Christmas, Part 1, a Random Classroom, Christmas (Chapter titles are getting a bit obvious...)
Lily and James are sitting back to back in a random classroom, blindfolded. After a while they finally wisen up and remove the blindfolds.
LILY AND JAMES: [turn around] YOU!
LILY AND JAMES: AHHH!
LILY: [glares at James] Potter, what did you do now?
DIRECTOR: [appears in a puff of smoke] He didn't do anything, actually. It was your so-called best friends. They locked you in this room for twenty-four hours. So you could, you know, get used to each other.
LILY: [sighs loudly] I should've expected something like this.
Lily begins to stomp away to the opposite side of the room, but falls flat on her arse after a few steps.
LILY: What was that?
DIRECTOR: Oh yeah, they magically bound you two together. Or maybe you managed to do that all by yourselves
LILY: So now what do we do?
DIRECTOR: [shrugs] You could talk to each other and expose your deepest, darkest secrets.
JAMES: I thought we already did that.
DIRECTOR: I don't quite recall... I'm sure nobody else does, either.
JAMES: Okay then! So Lily, the reason I'm so mean and awful is because my little sister is a squib and she was dying of incurable cancer but then she never actually died from cancer because she got killed by some evil trolls.
LILY: So I'm supposed to feel sorry for you?
JAMES: Yeah.
LILY: Okay.
There is a moment of silence.
LILY: Well, my little sister was beaten to death by our evil, alcoholic pet bear who then took out the family car and ran over our grandparents.
JAMES: Well, my grandparents got run over by flobberworms! So there!
LILY: Flobberworms can't run.
JAMES: Shut up.
LILY: Make me. [turns around with her back to James]
James looks pleadingly at the Director.
The Director hands James an owl.
James ties a box to the owl's leg and taps Lily on the shoulder.
Lily turns, scowling.
JAMES: [holds out the owl] Here. Happy Christmas.
LILY: You're giving me an owl for Christmas?
JAMES: No! You can't have Mr. Owl!
LILY: Well then, why are you handing him to me?
JAMES: Because he's delivering your Christmas present.
LILY: No, you're delivering my Christmas present because you're holding it.
JAMES: FINE! Mr. Owl, deliver the present.
Mr. Owl flies three feet into the air and drops the small box into Lily's hands.
LILY: Thank you.
Mr. Owl disappears in a puff of smoke.
Lily opens the present.
LILY: Wow, James! It's beautiful! I'm so touched! Now if I could only get it off my finger!
DIRECTOR: (suspiciously) Er, James? Exactly what kind of necklace did you buy?
JAMES: (proudly) It's über-expensive silver with a diamond lily.
LILY: You dumbass, this is a diamond Devil's Snare.
JAMES: Pohtato, potahto.
The Director glares at the props manager, who shivers and runs away.
LILY: So how do I get this thing off?
DIRECTOR: Uh... magic?
LILY: Good idea!
Lily pulls out her wand and lights a small bonfire.
The necklace melts.
JAMES: So. How exactly do we put this [points to the fire] out?
LILY: I dunno.
DIRECTOR: Well then, we might consider evacuating.
JAMES: We can't. The door's locked.
LILY: Alohamora.
The door opens.
JAMES: You had your WAND the WHOLE TIME and you didn't TELL me?
LILY: [shrugs] You didn't ask.
JAMES: What IS this? Loving relationships are supposed to be based on TRUST!
LILY: Er, okay. I trust you not to snatch my wand and run away and lock the door, leaving me trapped in here.
James snatches Lily's wand, runs away, and locks the door, leaving Lily trapped in there.
LILY: Oh well, whatever. This is why we have wandless magic!
Lily and the Director disappear in puffs of smoke. Mr. Owl appears with a pail of water and puts the fire out.
Scene Twenty-Three: Christmas, Part 2, Gryffindor Common Room, Still Christmas
James and Lily are sitting on the floor near the fire, surrounded by yellow ducky wrapping paper. They are alone.
JAMES: [burps loudly] Mmm. Thanks for the chocolate frogs, Lily!
LILY: Urg. Ew. Excuse you.
DIRECTOR: [clatters down the boys' staircase, waving a small green thing] Look what I found!
LILY: What?
DIRECTOR: Mistletoe! Now hold still!
The Director conjures a wire and attaches the mistletoe to James' glasses.
DIRECTOR: (happily) There we go!
JAMES: [looks up] Yay?
LILY: So... now what?
DIRECTOR: You kiss him. Duh.
LILY: (stalling) What stupid person invented mistletoe? I would like to go and personally glare at him until he withers and dies.
JAMES: It was probably a she.
LILY: You stupid, sexist, chauvinist PIG!
JAMES: Oink.
LILY: That's IT! I'm LEAVING! AGAIN!
DIRECTOR: Sorry. It's magical mistletoe. You can't leave without a kiss.
LILY: Why not?
DIRECTOR: Because the viewers want their action!
LILY: Well why can't they go watch OC and OC2 for action? [mutters under her breath] Sluts.
DIRECTOR: Because they want YOU!
LILY: (looking flattered) Well... now that you put it that way, I think I could give him just a little peck...
James and Lily snog.
The Director turns on the happy sigh track.
LILY: [jumps back] EW! You LICKED me!
JAMES: That's what you DO when you snog!
LILY: No, it's not!
JAMES: Yes it is!
LILY: No it's not!
JAMES: Yes it is!
LILY: Is not!
JAMES: Is too!
LILY: Is not!
JAMES: Is too!
The Director turns off the happy sigh track.
Sirius runs into the common room, wearing only pretty bunny boxers.
SIRIUS: [glares threateningly from Lily to James and back again] All right! The jig's up! Which one of you took my present from Father Christmas??
LILY: Er... what present?
SIRIUS: MY present! I get one every year! And now I don't have one! [cries]
JAMES: Uh Padfoot... you do know that Father Christmas isn't a real person... right?
SIRIUS: Yes he is! He gives me a present every single year! Last year it was a giant chocolate kneazle! I'll show you- I still have almost half left!
Sirius starts to run up the boys' staircase. James stops him.
JAMES: Wait! Sirius, that chocolate kneazle was from my parents... I thought you knew that...
SIRIUS: It was not! It was signed, "Love, Father Christmas!"
JAMES: (exasperated) Yes, it was! I saw it in Mum's closet when I was looking for... [pauses] Well, never mind what I was looking for...
SIRIUS: You're lying! Maybe it was a different giant chocolate kneazle.
JAMES: Sirius. There. Is. No. Father. Christmas.
SIRIUS: Then why did he give me presents?!?
JAMES: Because my PARENTS were PRETENDING to be Father Christmas! And guess what? My PARENTS are DEAD! So they're not getting you presents anymore! So you don't get presents from Father Christmas anymore!
SIRIUS: (with a quivering lower lip) So... Father Christmas is... dead?
JAMES: [groans] I guess you could put it that way.
SIRIUS: (in a small voice) Oh.
Sirius goes up the boys' staircase, sniffling.
There is a moment of silence.
JAMES: I feel kind of guilty now.
LILY: Me too.
JAMES: Do you think maybe Dumbledore feels like playing Father Christmas for a while? As in, the rest of Sirius' life?
DIRECTOR: You do realize that if he does, Sirius will recover immediately and run around the entire castle screaming "I TOLD YOU SO"?
JAMES: Oh yeah.
LILY: But maybe friendship is more important than peace of mind.
James and Lily stare at each other.
JAMES AND LILY: Nahhhh.....
A/N: Wow. This came out long. Kinda because at first I had no idea what to do for Christmas so I totally dragged out what I could think of... and then Sirius came along and that took quite a while... I'm sorry if I burst anyone's bubble!
Also, question- do people still call it Father Christmas in the UK? Or do they call him Santa Claus? Anyone?
By the way, I saw PoA recently... I was quite appalled by the wandless magic... Not to mention the summer magic... after all that lovely expulsion shiz, somebody could've added that Harry shouldn't have been using the lumos spell either. Or is underage magic just the big stuff like blowing people up and Patronuses (Patroni?)?
Plus, they had like nothing about MWPP. The stuff about James and Lily was cute, although that wasn't Harry's Patronus. :sighs:
And... I'm going on vacation- leaving on Friday. So I won't be updating for a while, not that I'd update anyway, because chapter 9 is nowhere near done and all the other chapters were actually pre-written. So... yeah...
