Hey. Once again, sorry. (Why am I always apologizing? Does every chapter include an apology? Am I really that slow? o.0) Um, yeah.
Thanks to:
Quack Quack 88
The Actress
MissCorker- Haha, sorry about the potty mouth. I just thought Harry complained an awful lot in Ootp...
KLLRS
Stargirl1439
Scene Twenty-Seven: Narrow Escape #1, Deserted Corridor, Sometime Later
James and Lily are standing in a creepy deserted corridor, all alone.
LILY: (sarcastically) Yay. Look. Creepy deserted corridor. I wonder what happens now.
JAMES: (doubtfully) I dunno... This doesn't look like such a great place for a snogging session. I mean, it's a bit... damp.
Suddenly, they are ambushed by lots and lots of Death Eaters who appear out of nowhere (but do not Apparate.)
BELLATRIX: Muahaha! We've got you now!
LILY: (panicking) James! Save me!
JAMES: [Runs away from Lucius Malfoy] Hold on, darling! I'm working on it!
SNAPE: (annoyed) Oh, stop worrying. We're not actually going to do anything. This is just a preliminary chat.
JAMES: [points to the script heading] But it says 'Narrow Escape!'
SNAPE: Well, as long as it's an escape, what's the problem? And you do have to escape because we have captured you, correct?
JAMES: [Pauses] Oh. Fine, then.
The Death Eaters handcuff Lily and James to the wall.
LILY: This. Is. Sick.
SNAPE: [Sneers] Get over youself, Evans. You really think I want you? You really think that's why I have an eternal grudge against James and all his progeny? Puh-lease.
JAMES: Hey!
He is interrupted when a floating head appears in the wall before them. It resembles the Chamber of Secrets Tom Riddle, but older and scarier-looking.
VOLDEMORT: [Cackles] Hello, my pretties.
SNAPE: See? He may want you, but I certainly don't.
JAMES: (suspiciously to Lily) Is that him? He doesn't look quite evil enough.
VOLDEMORT: I am too evil!
JAMES: Prove it!
VOLDEMORT: Not yet. First I have to explain why I hate you.
LILY: Okay, but make it quick. We have a food fight to attend in fifteen minutes.
VOLEMORT: Okay. So here's the basic rundown. I obviously do not like you, Lily Evans, because you are a Mudblood.
All gasp.
JAMES: You said a bad word! I'm telling on you! Professor Dumbldorrreee! He said a bad word!
DUMBLEDORE: [appears in a puff of smoke] Really, Mr. Riddle! I'm disappointed in you! No desert for you tonight! [Snickers]
VOLDEMORT: [glares evilly] You just wait, Dumbledore. I'll get you...
DUMBLEDORE: No you won't! I'm the only person you ever really feared! Nyah nyah!
Dumbledore disappears. Voldemort sulks.
VOLDEMORT: So. Anyway. I don't like Lily because she's a Muggleborn, and I don't like Potter because his family is far too goody-goody and happy, not to mention the whole Gryffindor-heir thing. I don't like the two of them together because the bloody prophecy has already been made, and call me crazy, but I don't like teh idea of my demise.
JAMES: Crazy!
VOLDEMORT: (ignoring James) Last but not least, I want to harness all those special powers of yours and use them for my own means.
LILY: Okay. Fine. Can we go now?
VOLDEMORT: (appearing distracted) Nagani, watch-- Ow! No! That was my leg, you stupid snake! [turns back to James and Lily] Fine! Meet me in the Forbidden Forest tomorrow at midnight. Don't be late, or you'll be sorry!
JAMES: (sarcastically) As opposed to what, dead?
Scene Twenty-Eight: Narrow Escape #2, Forbidden Forest, Midnight
James and Lily are standing in a small clearing, looking around.
VOLDEMORT: (wearing a mask) [Jumps out from behind a tree] Boo!
LILY AND JAMES: Ahhhh!
VOLDEMORT: [Takes off his mask] Haha! Got you! It's only me!
LILY AND JAMES: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
VOLDEMORT: Humph.
The Death Eaters slowly begin to appear, most Apparating into the clearing.
SNAPE: Ow! Lucius! That was my foot!
MALFOY: (slurring) Sorry, man. [Hiccups] Wow, I am sloshed.
BELLATRIX: [Holds out a plastic baggie] Hey Lucius, want some of this? It goes really good with alcohol.
SNAPE: (Muttering) Well.
BELLATRIX: What?
SNAPE: Well. It goes well with alcohol.
BELLATRIX: [stares at Snape] Dude. Now I can see why nobody likes you. [Gives Snape the finger]
Snape sits in a corner of the clearing and sulks.
VOLDEMORT: [Claps his hands] Okay! Okay! Settle down, everyone! Today is a beau-tiful day and we should start it off by singing the Evil Song!
LUCIUS: [waves a hand in the air] Master! Master! I have to use the looooooooo!
VOLDEMORT: [groans] Fine! Go! [Turns back to the other Death Eaters] Okay, ready? 1... 2... 3...
ALL: Everywhere we go-o,
Muggles want to know-ow
Who we are-e
Before we kill them,
And we say-y
We are the Death Eaters
The evil, evil, Death Eaters
VOLDEMORT: Sound off!
ALL: We are!
VOLDEMORT: Sound off!
ALL: Ee-vil!
VOLDEMORT: Bring it on down-
ALL: WE ARE EVIL, WE ARE [pause] EE-VIL!
Everybody claps.
There is a moment of silence.
LILY: Okay. Now what?
VOLDEMORT: Torture! Let's see, I think I'll do the Mudblood first so Potter can save her dramatically and prove his undying love... now where did I put that wand?..... Ah ha!
Voldemort pulls a wand from his special-totally-not-Muggle-combat-boots.
VOLDEMORT: [Points the wand at Lily] Crucio!
The wand makes a sputtering noise and generates quite a lot of feet-smelling smoke.
VOLDEMORT: [Glares at the wand] It must've gotten wet on the way here.... [glares at Peter] Wormtail! You gave me directions that went through a PUDDLE!
Peter cowers.
JAMES: [looks around] Wormtail? Where? Is HE going to save us? Wow, I never knew Wormtail was capable of saving anybody....
SNAPE: [grovels forward] Master, [kisses Voldemort's robes], he [ditto] wasn't [ditto] supposed [ditto] to [ditto] know [ditto] about [ditto] that [ditto] yet! [ditto]
VOLDEMORT: Oh. [looks down] Ugh, there's slime on my robes....
James points and laughs.
VOLDEMORT: [glares] Shut up, you! Obliviate!
The wand spurts out some more smoke.
VOLDEMORT: Grr... Just- Just- Potter, you just didn't hear that, okay?
JAMES: (genuinely) Hear what?
VOLDEMORT: Good. Now. Torture.
MALFOY: Oooh! I like torture!
LILY: (helpfully) If you want, I can just pretend I'm being tortured. You know, since your wand isn't working.
VOLDEMORT: Okay! [Picks up a stick from the ground and points it at Lily] Crucio!
LILY: (sarcastically) Ahh. The pain. The pain. I don't know how much longer I can stand it.
JAMES: (panicking) Noooo! I'll save you, Lily! [Runs at Voldemort] [Trips in a hole]
Snape happily pats his trusty shovel.
JAMES: Ow.
The Director shakes her head.
Suddenly, a long howl fills the night air.
LILY: That sounds remarkably like a werewolf.
JAMES: Wait... It's not full moon... Since when is it full moon?
The Director hastily tapes a large white circle of construction paper to the backdrop.
JAMES: Ahhh! It's full moon! Must save Lily from the werewolf!
PETER: I am SO out of here. [transforms and runs away]
Remus-werewolf runs into the clearing.
EVERYBODY: AHHHH!
MALFOY: Oooh, pretty wolf! Let's pet the wolf! I wonder if it's fuzzy....
JAMES: Lil! I'll transform and you'll climb on my back and we'll run away, okay?
LILY: And leave all these evil people who want to kill us to the wrath of a WEREWOLF? What kind of Gryffindor are you?
DIRECTOR: [mutters] The smart kind.
JAMES: Fine! Then I'll chase the werewolf away! [Runs in front of the werewolf] Hey Moony! Let's play follow the leader!
Remus-werewolf growls.
JAMES: Okay, ready? Here we goooo! [Runs into the forest]
Remus-werewolf chases James.
James transforms.
Remus-werewolf looks confused, but continues to chase anyway.
LILY: Okay. Can I leave now?
VOLDEMORT: (shaking) Ahh... werewolf... scary werewolf.... [twiches]
MALFOY: (sadly) The pretty wolf went bye-bye. [waves] Bye-bye wolf!
LILY: Oh-kay... I guess we're done here, then... Bye guys!
SNAPE: Don't call us, we'll call you.
Scene Twenty-Nine: Narrow Escape #3, Great Hall, Breakfast, a Week Later
All the students and teachers are eating breakfast. Suddenly, the doors bang open.
Voldemort is standing in the hallway looking very threatening, while his masked Death Eaters stand in a triangle formation behind him (like bowling pins.) Several Slytherins jump up and run to their places in the triangle.
STUDENTS: Eeeek! Voldemort! [Run in all directions]
VOLDEMORT: [cackles] Yes! Chaos! Cha-os!
LILY: [pokes Dumbledore] Excuse me Headmaster, but why is he here AGAIN? For the third time? Can we arrest him for stalking?
DUMBLEDORE: [recites in a loud, sensational voice] The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches! Born to those who have thrice defied him- (in a normal voice) See? Thrice! That means three times. (in the loud voice) Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not! [pauses] (in a normal voice) Yeah, I'm not allowed to tell you the rest. (quickly and mechanically) All rights and trademarks of Sybil Trelawney. All subjects of prophecies must be 16 years or older. Void where prohibited, No purchase necessary, Enter and DIE!
There is a long, reflective pause.
SIRIUS: Er.. what does 'vanquish' mean?
VOLDEMORT: I'll show you what vanquish means! [points wand at Sirius] Avada-
BELLTRIX: [shoves Voldemort out of the way] Hey! That one's mine!
VOLDEMORT: Hey!
The curse deflects crazily all around the Hall. James and Lily walk up walls and just barely miss the green light, even though they could've done so much better just by ducking. The curse finally hits the sleeping Fat Friar, who shivers and sighs, then returns to his nap.
VOLDEMORT: [blinks] Hey, that was COOL! Let's try it again! [aims at the wall] Avada Kedavra!
DEATH EATERS: Cool! [Follow the example]
Many jets of green light bounce around the Hall, which has been dimmed to enhance the laser-tag effect.
After a few minutes, one curse narrowly misses the cackling Voldemort.
VOLDEMORT: Eek! This place is dangerous! Come on men, we've done our work here!
BELLATRIX: [mutters] And women...
The Death Eaters leave.
Dumbledore, Lily, and James walk around, assessing the damage.
LILY: Aww... look at this poor little dead cat. [sobs]
JAMES: Wow, it looks like they took out quite a lot of Hufflepuffs. [pauses] What a pity.
DUMBLEDORE: Oops, here's Professor Flitwick... that wasn't supposed to happen. [performs super-powerful resurrection spell] There we go!
FLITWICK: [squeakily] Thank you Albus!
JAMES: (from the Gryffindor table) Headmaster! I think they got OC! Should we bring her back?
DUMBLEDORE: (incredulously) Why the hell would we do that?
SIRIUS: (wailing) BUt now I don't have anyone to sha-ag! And I'm lone-ly!
DIRECTOR: (perkily) I'll shag you!
SIRIUS: [pouts] No.
DIRECTOR: Why not?
SIRIUS: 'Cos you're not hot enough.
DIRECTOR: [glares] WHAT?
SIRIUS: Er... I mean....
DIRECTOR: (evilly) Oh... you are SO going to pay for that. You just wait....
SIRIUS: Hey Pete, can I borrow your lucky piece of cheese? Pleasssse?
PETER: [considers] Well.... as long as you don't nibble it....
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