I don't own Degrassi. I've never met the people that own Degrassi. I'm sometimes ashamed of my own addiction to Degrassi. But damnit, I'll love it until I die. Title courtesy of Black Tape for a Blue Girl. Do visit their site. They're an awesome ethereal goth band.
Sorry I haven't updated for awhile. There's been nothing new. Until today, that is. Today was... bad.
It started with me going to my co-op. I was late for school because of it, and the secretary threatened to take away my position. I mean, I'm trying. I'm trying to keep a handle on everything, to keep going, to keep everyone happy. And that, it just blew everything to bits.
I'm so stupid. I can't believe what I did next. I'd plead temporary insanity, only it's pretty obvious it's not just temporary. I just broke down. I went to the girl's washroom, and before I even knew what I was doing, my arm was bleeding.
And then Paige walked in.
And of course, she ruined everything. Everything. I almost got away with it. She was blabbering on about how much I suck or some such thing, and then looked over, and saw the blood. I, brilliant as ever, made the excuse that I bumped my arm. On "the thing." Way to go Ellie. Score negative a million for the freaks.
I was completely out of it. Left my late slip in the bathroom (there's another negative thousand points) but it didn't matter, it wasn't like I was going to go to class anyway. I mean, how could I after all that drama? And, of course, Ms. Butt-in-ski followed me. Accused me of who knows what, and for some reason convinced herself that I wanted to talk to her, or at least to some shrink. Gawd. Why couldn't she just stay out of it like a good little girl? We're worlds apart, she and I, so I don't see how she possibly thought she could help.
So after lunch, I dragged my butt to class. I didn't hear a word the teachers said, of course. I used to be a good student, back when dad was around, and mom wasn't drinking so much. I mean, I wasn't brilliant or anything, but I'd get A's on most everything. But now, things have just... fallen to pieces. Apparently, Kwan noticed. She asked me to stay after class, so I braced myself for a lecture.
I don't know why Kwan gets such a bad rap. I mean, sure, she's strict, and I didn't appreciated being detained, but it was sweet. She said she'd noticed me looking upset lately, and was hoping I was okay. Said I could talk to her if I ever needed to. Of course, I lied and said I was fine, but still. I guess I can't even pretend anymore, though.
I guess I'm grateful to her. If she hadn't kept me late, I wouldn't have run into Paige, and had a chance to save myself, at least a little bit.
I went by her, and then Ms. Sauve came out. Said she would talk to Paige about her friend in a moment. Of course, I knew it was me, even if I'm not exactly her friend. And it was.
Paige wouldn't leave me alone. I told her I was fine. That there was nothing wrong with me, but she kept hounding me. So, eventually, I showed her. It was just easier that way, and I figured if she was going to tell anyway, I might as well confess. That way, they might decide I wasn't entirely insane. She looked disgusted, or maybe that's her look of compassion. Either way, she covered it up well.
I couldn't talk to Sauve, so I let Paige do it. I was there though. She said she'd found me cutting myself (ugh, it sounds so ugly), and I managed to nod my confirmation when grilled. Then she left me there, with Sauve's eyes staring me down, and I didn't say a word.
For an entire hour.
I then said I was sorry to waste her time, and although she said I didn't, I knew it was a lie. So, I went home, sliced my arms open a few times, and then started writing this.
So, yeah. Pathetic, eh?
-El [NoLabels]
Comments: 2
[partyon] paige sounds like she did the right thing. cut her some slack, she was just looking out for you.
[enigmatic] Give it time, darling. Hugs
