Fifty Ways to Make Joey Wheeler's Life Miserable

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Disclaimer: I don't own YuGiOh; I don't own any references I've used from the show; anything you don't recognize I've likely made up.

Notes: I give, I give- I decided to continue this for one or two more chapters. Actually, I'm having fun writing this; it's my way to vent when school gets overwhelming. Happy reading!

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Joey pressed his back to the warm brick wall, cradling the gun in his hands, taking care not to be seen from the opposite side through the chain-link fence that replaced the brick several feet down. He was on a mission, and it wouldn't do to be caught before he could bring Seto Kaiba down.

He and his accomplice had spent yesterday afternoon studying Kaiba's behavior patterns intently. Relying on the knowledge that Kaiba was really more of a machine than a person, they were assuming he followed the same routine daily. This hypothesis was about to be tested, and it appeared it would hold; Joey saw the tip of Kaiba's shadow coming around the bend. Taking a deep breath, he waited for precisely the right moment, then leapt from under cover and opened fire.

Squuuuuirt

When Joey had completely emptied the tanks of the water gun, he stopped pumping and grinned nervously. All the while Joey had been soaking him, Kaiba hadn't moved. He'd frozen, rigidly clutching his briefcase, and allowing Joey to move the stream of water from the front of his shirt down to his expensive shoes and finally scoring a direct hit to the face.

"Haha?" Joey tried.

His hair matted down, Kaiba slowly set down the briefcase and turned to stare at Joey. The hapless blonde gulped, then made an instant decision.

He dropped the water gun and fled, charging along the brick wall and making for the relative safety of the school. Kaiba was temporarily cut off from him, but he was sure it wouldn't take the angry duelist long to find a break in the chain-link fence. Or maybe he'd just scale it. Joey gulped as he charged straight for the door, arm flung out to open it as he ran so he didn't have to stop.

The door was locked. Joey smashed into it, crushing his arm and whacking his face.

"…ooowww…"

He managed to stagger to his feet and shove open the door next to it. Thankfully, this one wasn't locked already, and he sprinted into the school. But where to hide? The school day had only ended a few minutes ago, and though the hallways were deserted, the rooms were full of kids in after-school clubs or detention. His buddy Tristan might even have been in one of those rooms, although Joey thought he'd served his time yesterday.

He was suddenly sure that he didn't want to be in one of the classrooms. The empty ones were locked, and if he went into one of the full ones he'd either end up in Latin Club (torture), Glee Club (even worse!), or detention (which wasn't that awful, but he didn't feel like having another one on his record). Making a split-second decision, he bolted for his locker. He opened it, smelt the old sneakers and saw the piles of paper stacked up to his knees, slammed it, and bolted for Téa's locker.

Finding only a pair of ballet slippers and a tidy stack of books at the bottom, Joey climbed in without hesitation and managed to slam the door behind him. It couldn't have come any later, too, because no sooner had the echo of the locker door closing faded away than he heard something slam into the entrance to the school. Despite himself, he grinned. Seemed that Kaiba had been introduced to the barred door as well.

A second later, the other one slowly creaked open. Joey gulped, hearing his heart pound. Kaiba didn't seem to be doing anything, but Joey could picture his nemesis: Standing in front of the door, a wind blowing his trenchcoat menacingly, his icy blue eyes narrowed and his upper lip drawn back in a snarl, hungering for Joey's blood…

Then he remembered that Kaiba would be soaking wet, too, and had to bite his tongue to stop himself from laughing.

The footsteps began advancing forward menacingly. Joey cowered, pressing himself deep into the locker, which was about another half-inch. A shadow passed over the ventilation slits, and Joey's eyes grew huge. Was this the end?

But, thankfully, no. Kaiba continued on his way; the idea must have never occurred to him that Joey would take refuge inside a locker. The blonde let out the breath he didn't realize he'd been holding; he would be safe for the next 16 or so hours. Then he'd have to come to school again and face Kaiba.

Right across from Téa's locker was a still-open classroom; although the door was closed, the lights were on and Joey could hear voices floating from it. Gathering his nerve, he leaned forward and peeked through the tiny slits in his locker. Kaiba was passing by the classroom, peering carefully through the window. Apparently not seeing Joey, he was about to move on his way, when one voice in the classroom rose above the others. It was a very distinct voice:

"Dat's my donut! Give it ta me!" the Brooklyn accent cried out sharply.

Actually growling, Kaiba whirled around and shoved open the door, kicking it for good measure. He practically flew in there, and while Joey was still blinking and trying to figure out who else in the school sounded like they were from New York, the screaming started.

"Ruuuuun!!!" one boy bellowed, emerging from the classroom first. He didn't wait to see if anyone else was following, but took his own advice, sprinting down the hallway. More came after him; three girls were clutching hands and dashing desperately away. One by one, the rest of Joey's classmates came charging out, either screaming or bumping into each other or both. They all sprinted down the hall and disappeared around the bend.

Joey kept blinking, because he still wasn't entirely sure what was going on. Then three more people emerged from the room, a fairly odd trio: Seto Kaiba, and if looks could kill the whole school would have been vaporized; Miss Ashbury, the drama club coach, a sixty-year old woman with face like a lemon and a personality to match; and a freshman Joey recognized as being the only kid in the school shorter than Yugi.

"What were you thinking?" Miss Ashbury was demanding angrily, shaking her finger dangerously close to Kaiba's face. The boy, predictably, remained silently glowering. "We were rehearsing for our play when you come storming in, turning over the costume rack and screaming for your dog! Animals are not allowed in this school!"

"I wasn't calling my dog," Kaiba corrected, seething. "I was hollering 'Mutt, you die!'."

"Yes, well, that's the same thing! And it's not the point, Mister Kaiba! You should be ashamed of yourself for causing such mayhem!"

Kaiba smirked, but the third kid decided to pipe up. "Yeah! And it was during my big line, too!"

Joey cringed. Stupid underclassmen. Kaiba might not be allowed to kill Miss Ashbury, but no one would care if another freshman went missing!

Kaiba turned his frigid glare on the kid, and he evidentially seemed to realize his mistake, shrinking away and appearing even shorter. "Oh?" Kaiba asked, his voice icy.

"Y-y-yeah," the kid stuttered, and Joey put his head in his hands (smushing his elbows to do so, since space was unsurprisingly limited). "I only h-have one line in the play, when Justin steals my donut, and I f-f-finally got the accent right!"

Both Joey and Kaiba stiffened. "Excuse me?" Kaiba asked, his voice deceptively calm. "What play is this again?"

" 'Life in New York'," the freshman answered promptly. Stupid. Kaiba's eyes shot open, and he uttered a noisy growl, and the kid finally decided he'd had enough. Giving a last squeak of fright, he turned tail and fled, his shot legs churning as he hurried down the hallway and disappeared.

Miss Ashbury glowered at Kaiba, but Joey was convinced that Kaiba had half the school on his payroll. Sure enough, she didn't say anything. She just stormed back into the classroom and emerged a second later with her bag, shutting off the lights and locking the door. She passed by Kaiba with an indignant sniff and left the building.

Kaiba stood there, composing himself for a few minutes. Then, apparently deciding he'd had enough for one day and could kill Joey at his leisure tomorrow, he headed off down the hall.

Joey gave a relieved sigh, a very noisy one. He supposed he'd better count to a thousand, just to be sure Kaiba was really gone.

One… two… three… four…

Okay, this is boring. I'm outta here.

But before Joey could move, the door he and Kaiba had entered the school by swung open. He rolled his eyes and slumped back against the locker, resigned to wait until whoever it was had passed.

And then he heard a very familiar girly giggle.

And then he heard a very familiar chuckle.

And then he heard a very familiar soft laugh.

Disbelievingly, he leaned forward and peered through the tiny slits. There was his baby sister, Serenity. And there was his supposed best friend, Tristan Taylor, hanging off her right arm. And there was his former arch-nemesis and tormentor (second only to Kaiba), Duke Devlin, hanging off Serenity's left arm.

In case anyone was wondering, Duke was the one with the girly giggle.

"Yeah, and then I creamed Joey in a duel," Duke said casually, flicking away his bangs with his free hand and tightening his grip on Serenity with the other. "And- you'll never believe it- I made him dress up! In a dog suit!"

He giggled again, but Serenity's brow creased. Uncertainly, she forced herself to join in laughter.

"Don't be a jerk, Devlin," Tristan said loudly, yanking Serenity over to his side. "Yugi kicked your sorry butt five minutes later. And Joey was winning that duel, right until the last minute anyway."

"Hey!" Duke protested, grabbing Serenity back. She winced.

"Uh, guys-"

"HEY!" Joey shouted, pounding on the locker door. "You get your hands away from her!" Annoyed, he went to climb out of the locker and commence with some serious pounding.

And that's when he realized the imminent problem.

"Whose stupid idea was it to NOT put knobs on the INSIDE of locker doors???"

"Do you hear something?" Serenity questioned innocently, looking around.

"Naah," Tristan said, putting his other arm around her and looking remarkably like he was about to strangle her. "Come on, I'll tell you about how I taught Joey to duel."

"You've probably never played a game in your life!" Duke protested, wriggling his hands in between Serenity and Tristan.

"Have so!"

"Hey! Can't you hear me, you losers? I can see you! Get away from my sister or I'll rip your heads off! Can't you see that she looks like she's gonna hurl?"

"Aah, guys," Serenity tried again timidly. Joey could just barely see her face. She did look like she was going to throw up, but there was a spark of something else in her eyes. Was it mischief?

He'd ask her about it later. "Devlin and Taylor, step away from the girl! Yeah, you heard me! Now!" He banged on the locker door furiously, willing it to open.

"Remember, I gave my life for you back in Kaiba's lame virtual world," Tristan reminded her.

"Oh… yes…"

"Yeah, but I stayed back and helped her win the duel, which she couldn't have done otherwise!" Duke snapped back. They were heading further down the hall, away from Joey's angry bangs and shouts.

"Hey! Away! Back! Off!"

"I jumped off that roof, too!"

"And I guided her away from the Mad Sword Beast!"

"Oh yes, I forgot, you held her hand while I was latched onto the stupid horn!"

"Heroism comes in all forms."

"You morons!"

"Yeah: heroic and idiotic."

"Aagh"

And then they were gone. Joey continued ranting angrily, but all that happened was that his throat was starting to hurt. Eventually, he gave up and slumped back, still fuming. That was so bizarre. Why were Tristan and Duke here after class ended? If Tristan didn't have a detention, he'd bolt, and Joey had never known Duke to hang around late either. And why the heck was Serenity here? She didn't go to this school. And if she were in town, why hadn't she told him?

Something fishy was going on…

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Kaiba arrived home from his office later that night, tired, exasperated, but at least dry. Mokuba greeted him at the front door with a chocolate bar in one hand and a manila envelope in the other.

"This came for you, big brother," Mokuba said cheerfully, simultaneously handing him the manila envelope and taking a bite of chocolate.

Deciding to forego any useless 'it's too close to dinner to be eating junk' remarks, Kaiba turned the envelope over. It was unmarked. His brow furrowed; odd. If Mokuba hadn't been standing in front of him, he'd immediately think it was a ransom note. But Mokuba was the only person he cared about. If someone wanted to kidnap Moto, they could have him.

"Who dropped it off?" he asked, assuming it couldn't have come in the mail.

"She said I shouldn't tell you," Mokuba informed him gleefully, taking another mouthful of chocolate.

Well. This was even odder. He tore off the top of the envelope and pulled out… a picture.

Of himself.

Sopping wet.

Taken only a few hours ago.

He spotted Wheeler in the background of the photo, just starting to look panicked. His glare intensified. Flipping the picture over, he saw two words neatly scribbled: 'Airhead, huh?'

Airhead? What? Who had he-

Lifting his gaze slowly, his eyes fell upon the chocolate bar Mokuba was eating. It was the same brand as the stuff Téa had made him eat two nights ago. And then he remembered. 'For a bubbly airhead cheerleader… you have potential.'

He didn't mean this kind of potential! Not when it was used against him!

"There's only one thing to do," he mumbled, ignoring the way Mokuba bounded forward and snatched up the photograph. "She's going to pay."

And then he abruptly looked up, just in time to hear Mokuba giggle hysterically and to see a mane of black hair disappearing around the corner: "Mokuba! Get back here with that picture!"

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"You were right. He did try to hide in the locker."

Téa allowed herself an evil grin of triumph. "And you guys did it?"

"Oh yeah," Duke said with a laugh. "You should have heard how mad he was getting, but I guess he forgot he was locked in there."

"You did call someone, right?" Serenity asked worriedly.

"Don't worry," Téa assured her. "I sent the janitor right by my locker. When Joey sees him, he's sure to bang on the door again and he'll be let out."

"Good," Serenity sighed.

"And now for your payment!" Téa said, clapping her hands and smiling wickedly.

"Excellent," Tristan laughed, accepting the photograph she handed him. He examined the shot of Kaiba, dripping wet, and panicked-Joey in the background. Téa gave Serenity and Duke a copy each. "I'm going to frame this," Tristan said thoughtfully.

Duke snorted in laughter. "Hey, how many did you make of these?" he asked Téa idly.

"Oh… not that many…" she threw a glance over her shoulder to where two neat stacks about half an inch high were piled.

"Are all those of Kaiba?" Serenity asked with wide eyes.

"No, no, of course not," Téa said, waving her hands and looking innocent.

'Nope… one stack is of Joey in Duke's dog suit.

'Woof, woof indeed.

'This is gonna be fun. Practical jokes are addicting.'