Fifty Ways to Make Joey Wheeler's Life Miserable

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Disclaimer: I don't own YuGiOh; I don't own any references I've used from the show; anything you don't recognize I've likely made up.

Notes: I think I'm drifting even more romance-ish. It's just too easy. Téa flirts with Kaiba because it gets under his skin (not to mention Joey's)- and, maybe in the future, vice-versa.

Dedication: To Mamono again, because I swear it's all your fault I got into SetoTéa. And to Dragon's 1 Girl, because of what I forgot on September 15… ::shifty eyes:: There's one line in here in particular that's dedicated to you. You'll know what it is.

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Téa stepped onto school grounds and was blasted with the iciest glare capable of a human being. Actually, it was worse than that, since she highly doubted Seto Kaiba was a human. She could practically feel the frost crawling over her skin.

So she turned up the heat. Slowly pivoting, she cocked her head to the side and tossed her hair a little, giving him a long stare from under her lashes. When his cold gaze glazed over slightly in confusion, she gave him a small wave and flounced away. With utmost casualty, she strolled into the building- and as soon as she passed through the doors, broke into a frantic run to her first period Algebra class.

He was going to kill her when he stepped through those doors.

If Joey didn't beat him to it.

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"Tristan, I'm gonna kill you!"

"People in this day and age are so bloodthirsty," Tristan said, worriedly backing away from Joey. Joey, adhering to school rules- absolutely no Weapons of Mass or Minor Destruction allowed on campus- wasn't brandishing the machine gun or steak knife the blonde doubtless wanted, but was wielding their Literature book menacingly enough. Honestly, Tristan was convinced that some of those awful poems could kill.

"What were you doing with my little sister?" Joey breathed through clenched teeth.

"Huh?" Tristan asked intelligently.

"I saw you yesterday, brick-head!" Joey yelped, making a lunge at Tristan. Tristan threw himself to the left and ended up on a classmate's lap. Joey went sprawling across the desk and dropped the Literature book on the floor. Yugi stepped in the room and glanced around briefly, before shaking his head in resignation and calmly taking a seat next to Téa.

"Did you see the hallway?" he asked in a whisper. "Who do you think did that?"

Téa's blue eyes were wide and dripping with innocence. "That's a very good question, Yugi. Hmm. Very interesting. I wonder." He shot her a strange look, but she refocused her attention on Joey and Tristan.

Tristan was climbing out of their classmate's lap, after verifying that it wasn't a hot female but rather an irritated member of the football team. Joey rolled over off the desk and onto the floor.

"Yesterday I was with Téa," Tristan said quickly, holding his hands up in a truce sign.

"Huh?" Joey asked, freezing in mid-lunge for the fallen Literature book.

"No kidding. Téa and I were at the arcade all day."

"Wha-at?" Joey turned promptly to Téa with his eyebrows raised, obviously expecting her to say that Tristan was lying so he could commence with the pummeling.

"We were at the arcade all day," Téa lied through a beaming smile. She'd prepared this very thoroughly beforehand. Each time Joey lied to her, she would give him one lie back. After all, lying blatantly without cause was immoral. But lying as payback was just fine.

Good grief, was her logic being twisted or what?

Yes, practical jokes were very addicting. As were lies.

"All day?"

"All day," Téa clarified, deciding that this didn't count as two lies. After all, it was the same lie.

What had Joey done to merit this, you wonder?

'Joey, you've never tried to spy on any girl in the shower, have you?'

Caught completely off guard in the middle of devouring a slice of cherry pie, Joey choked. He was holding the plate right before his face, and when he twitched, he got a face full of gooey fruit. Téa watched calmly.

''Course not!' Joey spat out, causing some red juice to slide down his chin. Téa merely nodded and handed Joey a napkin.

But did he really think Mai hadn't told her what he and Tristan did at Duelist Kingdom?

Of course, she'd profusely thanked the older Duelist, as well as the (slightly) saner Yugi.

Joey had lied about not trying to spy on any girl- and her specifically- in the shower. So she was lying back about where Tristan had been the day before. She'd consider things even and think no more on corrupt ethnics.

And of course, Tristan was going to be getting a little Just Desserts of his own.

"But he left for about half an hour right after school, right?" Joey asked disbelievingly.

"No," Téa said, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. "We left right after school and were there until about dinnertime."

Yugi was no longer paying attention; he'd turned in his seat to watch the students entering the classroom. They all wore amused grins on their face and immediately searched the room for Joey. The blonde, for his part, ignored their stares and was gaping from Tristan to Téa. He'd seen Tristan… but Téa always told the truth…

"Did you see the press conference yesterday?"

"With Duke Devlin, right?"

"Yeah, he was talking about his new version of Dungeon Dice Monsters. That game's really catching on!"

"I think I saw that. It was really good. That was the one on right after school, right?"

"Uh-huh. It was filmed live over in Canterbury."

The two girls continued on their way, chatting merrily, while Joey was left frozen and Téa hid a smile of triumph. This was too easy. Stacey and Hannah were in Drama Club- incidentally, their rehearsal had been interrupted by a rampaging Seto Kaiba the previous day. Once Téa convinced them that it was partly Joey's fault by being Kaiba's intended target, and that they could get revenge on him for wrecking their rehearsal, they were all too eager to go along- even if they didn't understand exactly why acting out that short skit Téa'd written would help.

Whoever said she didn't cover her tracks well? Tristan had an airtight alibi in her, and Duke had an airtight alibi since he was supposed to be doing a live conference in a town a half-hour away at the time of the supposed 'crime'. Joey wouldn't know what hit him, and he'd never think to check and discover that this supposed press-conference was completely made-up.

Maybe she should consider becoming a lawyer.

Or a professional criminal.

She grinned savagely. Joey still looked lost. "But… I saw… you and Devlin and Serenity…"

"Joey, have you been feeling well lately?" Yugi asked worriedly. Excellent. She now had Yugi's unwitting help.

"I don't know," Joey mumbled, finally giving up and throwing himself dramatically into a desk. "I was locked in a locker yesterday."

"You were locked in a locker and you put on that dog suit?" someone passing by asked, breaking into a gale of giggles.

"Say wha-at?" Joey asked, bolting up.

"You were locked in a locker?" Yugi asked, his gaze drifting towards the phone. Téa would be willing to bet he was considering calling for mental help for Joey.

"What about Devlin's dog suit?" Joey asked angrily, looking around. The classroom fell oddly silent, punctuated only broken a few sparse giggles or snorts. Finally, Tristan spoke up.

"Dude. Didn't you look around when you came in?"

"Aah… no, actually," Joey said, deflating. "I ran straight here to kill you."

"Oh, good…" Tristan said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "I suggest you go outside and have a look-see, Joe."

Confused, Joey uncertainly walked to the door and exited. Téa snuck a peek at the clock; they still had two minutes before class started. Perfect. That was plenty enough time for Joey to get a good look at what she'd done, but not enough time for him to piece things together and strangle her.

Unfortunately, Kaiba swept in just then, looking furious. Téa cringed involuntarily. He knew perfectly well that she'd been behind the practical joke the day before, as well as what she'd done to the hallways today.

"Gardner! I am going to KILL you!" he barked, striding over until he was directly in front of her.

"Mister Kaiba!"

Téa had never been so grateful to see her Algebra teacher before. In fact, she'd never been grateful to see Ms Bruinski, period. Ms Bruinski was a frighteningly tall and large gray-haired, imperious woman with a penchant for hours upon hours of homework. But now she was looming in the doorway, glowering at Seto Kaiba and the death threat he'd just delivered to a perfectly good victim- that is, math student.

"Mister Kaiba," Ms Bruinski said sternly, advancing. Téa could have sworn she saw Kaiba's Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed tightly. "I do not appreciate your threatening any of my students or your classmates. I don't know what Miss Gardner has done to you, but you will handle it with her privately, out of class."

"Forgot his birthday, probably," someone called out. Téa rolled her eyes.

"What do you get someone like Kaiba?" another person wondered aloud before said Kaiba whipped around and fixed them with a menacing glare.

And the wheels in Téa's head started turning…

"Come up to the board, Mister Kaiba, and do the problems from yesterday's homework," Ms Bruinski said as the bell rang.

Kaiba rolled his eyes. "You think I did my homework?"

"Then borrow someone's book and do them on the board impromptu," she said sharply, glaring at him. She hated people who didn't do their homework.

"Fine," Kaiba grumbled, giving in. He couldn't afford to fail math- like he'd consent to being held back a year!- and Ms Bruinski was exactly the kind of teacher who would fail him if he refuse to do these lame problems on the board. Besides, it shouldn't take him that long. He was well ahead of the class. "What were the numbers?" he asked flatly, yanking Tristan's math book out of his hands and ignoring the brunet's protests.

"Three through thirty-seven," she answered calmly, leafing through papers.

"What?" Kaiba protested. He sounded oddly like he was whining, but that had to be a mistake. Kaiba Didn't Whine. That was an important enough fact of life to merit capital letters. "Thirty-four problems? You must be nuts! That could take all class!"

That was another mistake. Kaiba Didn't Call People 'Nuts'. Or rather, Kaiba Shouldn't Call People 'Nuts'. There were plenty more sophisticated insults that would make him seem like less of a kid.

"We have all class, Mister Kaiba," Ms Bruinski said placidly, folding her hands and gazing at the board. "Get to work."

Grumbling under his breath, Kaiba flipped the book open to the chapter they'd been working on the previous day and began putting the selected numbers from the chapter review up on the board. Just then, the door flew open and Joey stood breathing heaving, looking messy and slightly upset over something.

"Mister Wheeler, welcome to Algebra," Ms Bruinski sighed, rubbing her temples. "Well, Mister Kaiba, it looks like you won't have to put up all thirty-four problems on the board. Mister Wheeler will assist you."

"Huh?" Joey asked blankly, while Kaiba snapped, "I don't need help from a mutt!"

"The homework. The board. Now," she shot angrily, rising from her seat and rapping her knuckles on the desk. Téa settled back and watched the show thoughtfully, her eyes glinting.

After much jostling and shoving and muttering and exchanges of insults, Kaiba had gotten two problems up on the board. Joey had started the first one. The class was sniggering at the both of them, compounded by the decorations Téa had put up all over the hallway. And Ms Bruinski had lost her patience.

"It has been nearly fifteen minutes," she snapped, looking at the clock. "Mister Kaiba and Mister Wheeler, sit back down. You will both serve detention with me today."

Instead of protesting, Kaiba slammed the chalk down, broke it in half, muttered "Overgrown witch," and stomped back to his seat like a first-grader. Joey looked helplessly at the board, scribbled a big 'X' over Kaiba's side, and put the chalk back down and scurried back to his desk, where he proceeded to pretend he was invisible. Ms Bruinski gave the board a careful once-over and erased all of it.

"Now," she said as calmly as she could manage. "Let's have someone who knows what they're doing put a problem on the board." She ran a finger down the problems she'd assigned. "Twenty-seven is a good one. Do I have a volunteer to do number twenty-seven?"

Primly, Téa raised her hand.

"Miss Gardner," Ms Bruinski said with obvious relief. "Wonderful."

Téa rose from her seat and picked up her careful and neat math homework, quickly putting the problem up on the board. She could feel twin scowls on her back- Joey's You're-such-a-goody-two-shoes scowl, and Kaiba's You're-meat-Gardner scowl.

But as far as she was concerned, guilt was a thing of the past. Forget it- this was too much fun!

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"Wheeler," Kaiba said, breaking the silence. Ms Bruinski's idea of 'detention' was to put them in a room, order them to be silent, and waddle off to have a donut.

"Whaddya want, Kaiba?" Joey muttered.

"I take it you've seen the hallway?"

It was a stupid question, really. They'd both seen the hallway. It was kind of impossible to miss.

The second you entered the building, Joey's beaming face greeted you. Rather, his normally-beaming face. Because at the time the picture had been taken, he was rather dismal due to his imprisonment in Duke's dreaded dog-suit.

While Kaiba normally would have thoroughly enjoyed himself at Wheeler's expense, scattered throughout pictures of the Mutt were photographs of himself the previous day, drenched and scowling and looking ridiculous.

So while Kaiba normally would have commended Téa, he was going to murder her instead.

"You mean the giant signs that say 'Have School Spirit! Come to the pep rally hosted by Joey the Wonder Dog and Seto "Sopping" Kaiba!'?"

Yes, there were those too.

"Obviously," Kaiba retorted sharply.

"Yeah, Kaiba. Duh. I've seen them."

"You know who put them up, right?" Kaiba asked, choosing to ignore Wheeler's insolence.

"Duke, I guess," Joey said, making a face. "He was the one who put me in the dog suit, after all. I would've thought it'd be you, but you looked just as stupid as I do."

Don't smack Wheeler. That's not the best way to get him to cooperate.

"Think, please," Kaiba ground out, very proud of his obvious self-control. "How did Duke get that picture of me?"

Joey's brow furrowed, and Kaiba heaved a sigh. "As far as I know," Joey began slowly, "The only person who would have had that picture was the one who helped me plan the prank…"

"Gardner," Kaiba finished, gratified to see the gears in Joey's head were finally starting to click together. "Who, by the way, got that picture of you from the Internet. That duel was videotaped live and the tape was available on-line; it was a cinch to make a still-shot."

"So Téa…"

"Is the only bubbly cheerleader-type in the school who would advertise those pictures as a pep rally," Kaiba broke in scornfully.

"Téa?"

"Who broke into your house a few nights ago and hid your food in the backyard," Kaiba told him, smirking.

"What? Téa? No way! How would you know?"

"I helped," Kaiba said without missing a beat. "But it was her idea. After all, who else knows where you hide the spare house-key?"

Joey's mouth fell open, but Kaiba mercilessly plowed on. "And by the way? As I was leaving school yesterday, I happened to spot a certain trio, entering the building. They didn't spot me, but I overheard them- Devlin. Taylor. And your sister. You want to take a stab at what they were talking about?" Kaiba didn't wait for Joey to answer, but continued. "Some 'plan of Téa's'."

"But-" Joey protested. "They couldn't have been there. Tristan was at the arcade with Téa!"

"The one who orchestrated the whole event? You really think she'd hesitate to lie to you?"

"And Duke was doing a press conference over in Canterbury!"

"Bull. I monitor all potential rivals closely. His last press conference was a week ago, and he doesn't have another one scheduled for at least a month."

Finally. The light was dawning in that dim brain of Wheeler's.

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Tristan, humming to himself- he'd stayed out of detention while Joey had landed himself in it; that was always a good day- swung open his locker door to dump his books.

A little plastic Duel Monster stared back at him. Tristan stared back. Then squinted at it. Then blinked.

He picked the figurine up and turned it over several times. Nothing jumped out at him. There was nothing particularly distinctive about it.

So why had someone put a miniature Mad Sword Beast in his locker?

Shrugging, he slammed the door and carried the plastic Duel Monster out with him. The single sharp spike on top of its forehead dug into his palm, and something vaguely symbolic was tugging at his mind, but he ignored it.

Whatever.

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"Téa planned all this?" Joey gasped. "But why?"

"Give me a break, Wheeler," Seto said, rolling his eyes. "You can't honestly tell me you've never done anything to offend her. Sometimes I can hardly blame her."

"But she's not the 'revenge' type!" Joey protested.

"Please. You should really learn to stop categorizing people. Gardner has the same malicious streak any of us have." He paused, thinking. "Except perhaps Yugi, who is too wimpy for his own good…" he said grudgingly.

Joey snorted. "You kidding? Yugi has a malicious streak a mile long. Or rather, five feet high. We like to call him 'Yami', or if you wanna be technical, 'Spirit of the Puzzle'."

"Bull."

"What?"

"Forget it, Wheeler," Seto spat. "You're hopeless. If you'd forget about all this magic nonsense and just listen to me for a second-"

The door swung open. They immediately shut their mouths, expecting to see the cranky Ms Bruinski. They did not expect to see ten or twelve of their most annoying/exuberant of their classmates, crowded around the doorway and beaming at Kaiba.

"Haaa-appy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday dear SE-TO!

Happy Birthday to yooooouuu!"

Téa crouched out in the hallway, safely out of sight, full of self-satisfaction. If she were into justification, she could say that she was doing this to boost Kaiba's self-esteem and let him know people cared. If she were into being honest, this was absolutely hilarious. She peeked around the doorway briefly. The look on his face was priceless!

It had been a cinch to get people to agree with this. Thanks to the comment someone made in the middle of class, everyone thought she'd forgotten Kaiba's birthday. So she issued a plea to her classmates to cheer him up, get him whatever presents they could find on such short notice, and then run.

Someone had gone one step further- they had Foods the last period of the day, and made Kaiba a cake.

Chocolate, as Téa requested. With pink frosting, as she'd also requested.

Hector was a genius with frosting, too, and he'd sketched a pretty decent Red-Eyes Black Dragon on the cake with food gel.

She listened as the various classmates who had been dumb enough- brave enough- to participate deposited their gifts on Kaiba's desk. Then they quickly began filing out. Téa strained to hear something, but Kaiba wasn't saying anything. She was pretty sure that heavy breathing, the sound of someone just barely holding back their homicidal urges, was him though.

Grinning in satisfaction, she joined the rest of her classmates in hurrying off the school grounds before Ms Bruinski released the now-homicidal Kaiba from detention.

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A History book… three pencils… a homemade card formed out of construction paper folded in half… a piece of ribbon (what did they expect him to do with that?)… some extremely common Duel Monster cards… and a ruler.

And, of course, that stupid cake.

Kaiba struggled to control his breathing, while Joey picked through his presents. "You gonna use these pencils? I keep losing mine."

"It's not my birthday!" he exploded, his face turning dark, angry red. "This was Gardner again!"

"Hey, I think it was pretty cool," Joey said, now examining the cake with great interest.

"She will pay," Kaiba vowed, clenching his fists compulsively.

"Heh, I don't know what you're so mad about," Joey said, leaning back in his seat. "I'd like it if someone randomly gave me a cake."

"It's poisoned," Kaiba grumbled, giving into the haunting paranoia.

"Whatever. So can I have the pencils?"

"Take them," Kaiba said shortly, shoving everything else away and letting it clatter to the floor. The cake he left on top of the next desk. "Look, Wheeler. Gardner seems hell-bent on embarrassing me, and she's sure done a job on you." Joey frowned. "You're going to let her get away with this?" Kaiba pressed on.

"Well, what do you suggest we do, genius?" Joey asked sarcastically. Kaiba wasn't sure if he was forgetting or not that yes, Seto was a genius.

"Prank her back. Of course."

Joey frowned again. "I thought you two were dating or something!"

Kaiba rolled his eyes. "Good grief, Wheeler! You really are dense! We faked that to get under your skin."

Joey's jaw dropped for approximately the thirtieth time that hour. Kaiba gritted his teeth. "Okay, I know you'd never hurt your precious friend. But as Téa has so clearly espoused, a little revenge never hurt anyone. And seeing as Téa doesn't know you know we faked our date-" (that had probably gone over Wheeler's head) "-here's what I propose we do…"

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"So we have a deal?" Seto asked, leaning back in his chair and confident in his managing skills. He never thought he'd be making a truce with the Mutt. But it was for a good cause- revenge on Téa- and besides…

Who ever said he wasn't going to be inflicting a little psychological damage to Wheeler along the way?

"I suppose…" Joey said slowly. He never thought the day would come when he'd team up with Kaiba, much less to get back at Téa. But she'd completely fooled him… maybe she deserved a taste of her own medicine by now.

Besides, there would be no better golden opportunity to prank Kaiba. Ha!- why did Kaiba think he could trust him the day after Joey had beamed him with the water gun?

"Good." Kaiba put out his hand to shake, then thought better of it. He didn't want to catch fleas, after all. "I'll hold you to your word," he said sternly, then rose.

"Earth to Kaiba? We're still in detention," Joey said, rolling his eyes.

Kaiba snorted. "She's left us here for an hour," he pointed out, and a startled Joey glanced at the clock. "I bet you anything she's forgotten about us."

"Heh, you're probably right," Joey said, jumping up and beginning to cram his stuff into his backpack. Kaiba stoically picked up his briefcase, then as an afterthought picked up the accursed cake. He'd dearly love to smash it on top of Wheeler's head, but that probably wasn't the best way to secure Wheeler's help.

Waitasecond. Did he just say he needed Wheeler's help? What was this world coming to?

Bother that. He'd use Wheeler, then completely crush him.

Good plan.

Kaiba walked out into the hallway, ignoring Wheeler trotting at his heels like the puppy he was. His attention, however, was diverted when Yugi bounced up.

"Hiya, Joey!" Yugi said brightly. "Did you have a good time in detention?" (As one, Joey and Kaiba snorted, then glared at each other.) "I figured I'd wait for you here, and maybe we can hang out after school or something, because I did all my homework in the library and I have lots of free time and you said you wanted to watch that video on Duel Monsters that Grandpa got-"

He was interrupted by a chocolate-cake-with-pink-frosting-and-a-picture-of-Red-Eyes being firmly smacked across his head. Releasing the plate, Kaiba watched with satisfaction as it dripped down Yugi's stunned face and onto the floor.

"See you in school tomorrow," he said calmly, shifted his briefcase from his left hand to his right hand, and walked out the door, never looking back.

"What'd I do?" Yugi asked plaintively.

Joey shrugged. "Search me," he said, scooping a fingerful of frosting out of Yugi's hair. He stuck it in his mouth: "Man, this stuff is good!" He bent down and picked up a larger piece off the floor. "Five second rule," he grinned before shoving a hunk into his mouth.

"It's been there a lot longer than five seconds," Yugi pouted, trying to wipe the pink frosting out of his eyes.

"And rules are made to be broken."

Ah yes… they were certainly making a career out of breaking rules. And morals. And possibly hearts. And whatever ethics any of them had in the first place, which was ironic because Téa was probably the only one with good ethics.

Nothing was sacred anymore. This was war.