The Very Slashy Live Journals
Pirates Of the Caribbean
Chapter 1
Will Turner
Summary: These are the thoughts and experiences of the members of the Black Pearl, Port Royal and Tortuga. References to Jack's Eyes, Eunuchism, monkeys, spanking the monkey, gold fondling, rum fondling, pirate kinkiness, Evil Shagging Pirates, Rageti's corsets, Elizabeth's butterfly, Gillette's stockings, Norrington's dildo, Will's 'sword practicing' and Barbossa's quest to 'bite' the 'apples' are included.
Disclaimers:
This parody is rated NC-17XS, which means that !Slash! sex is involved here. This parody is in no way connect with Arrmaitee's Very Slashy Live Journals – Harry Potter, his own Live Journal, entitled Arrmaitee's Live Journal, Cassandra "Cassie" Claire, her Lord of the Rings fan fiction series, The Very Secret Diaries, or her LiveJournals, Cassieclaire and Epicyclical.
This parody is based on characters and situations created and owned by Walt Disney, it's writers, and is not intended for profit, investment, infringment, and is just for good, slashy fun. I do not know the actors and can say that NONE of this happened in the movie, well, not the copy I have anyway.
Special Thanks Arrmaitee, thanks for the inspiration.
Matt, luv, this chapter is for you.
Chapter 1: Will Turner
Post 1
Got on the SS Slash.
Was going to be the 'Cabin Boy'.
Saw strange boat.
Saw strangely attractive crew on strange boat.
Waved at strangely attractive crew and dropped hanky.
Strangely attractive crew on strange boat sanked our ship!!
Current Mood: Wet
Comments:
This is all YOUR fault!! You should have never waved!!
SS Slash Captain
But I dropped my hankie, just like you taught me!!
Will
Great... now we're going to die...
SS Slash Captain
Well, I'm not, since the story is about me and Elizabeth, who I love, but then because of the slashly undertones I really love Jack, who is the pirate that I want to take my virginity but because this is a "family movie" I have to be with Elizabeth... Hello? Captain?
Will
Post 2
Woke up on deck of new ship.
Saw scarry girl in rich, puffy dress.
Wondering how I would look in rich, puffy dress.
Scarry girl tried to snog me!!
Oh, she just wanted my necklace. (Sighs in relief)
Current mood: Still Wet
Comments:
I am NOT SCARRY!! How DARE you incinuate that I'm SCARRY?!
Elizabeth
STOP!! MAKE THE SCARRY GIRL GO AWAY!!
Will
I WILL have you. You ARE mine. Look DEEP into my eyes...
Elizabeth
(Screams in horror and passes out.)
Will
Ten years have passed.
Post 3
Woke up after being sleep for 10 years.
Became best blacksmith overnight!
Govenor Swann said he wanted my 'sword'!
My 'sword'! Not that stuck-up git's named Norrie!!
Have to be there before the sundial chimes at 10:00.
Debated wearing rich, puffy dress I stole from Elizabeth.
Current mood: Bouncy
Comments:
WILL!! GIVE ME BACK MY DRESS!! AND MY CORSET!!
Elizabeth
I... I don't have your dress...stuffs dress in trunk And I don't have your corset!!
Will
I have your corset, poppet!! And it fits, too!! You can have it back when I'm done... (Shudders in ecsasty and eye pops out.)
Rageti
That's ok... j...just keep it.
Elizabeth
Post 4
Wore good lace garter belts for nothing.
Turns out that Govenor Swann actually wanted a 'real sword'.
Supposed to be for Norrie.
Everything is for Norrie!!
It's always 'Norrie, Norrie, Norrie!!!'
And everyone wonders why I'm on prozac!!
Current mood: Bitchy
Comments:
Now, now, Will. Be nice. I would love to see your 'other sword' later.
Govenor Swann
I don't want to now.
Will
That's ok. Why look at his when you can play with mine all day. Peferably after dark when the lights go out and no one can see that I shagged my way to the top, of course.
Norrington
You cheating bastard!! How dare you shag Govenor Swann without me? Give me back my best stockings, you brute!!
Gillete
Reminder to self: Must disable friends posts.
Will
Post 5
Went back to shop.
Saw Brown.
Saw black garter belts.
Saw 'elbow' grease.
Saw hat. Hat?
A strangely attractive pirate!! Help!! He wants to take me captive and ravage my goodies!!
Current Mood: Hopeful
Comments:
Umm... this is where we sword fight, mate. Stop screaming like a strumpet!
Jack
Oh... 'sword fight', huh? I've never heard it called that, but I'm... willing to try anything once... or twice... or three times...(wink wink nudge nudge)
Will
I will impale you with my cutlass!
Jack
And you talk dirty, too!! Yes, impale me with your 'cutlass'!! Take me NOW!!!
Will
You really need to find yourself a girl, mate!
Jack
Post 6
Turns out that Jack was right.
Must sword fight with wickedly sexy pirate.
Want to 'sword fight' with wickedly sexy pirate.
Told him I pratice 3 hours a day.
In black garter belts.
In the daytime.
Got pirate with sexy eyes hot and bothered.
Pulled out 'other sword'.
Yummm...
Current Mood: Horny
Comments:Oh yes, luv! You KNOW what you're doing! This feels familiar. Have we done this before?
Jack
(Looks innocent) Oh no, Mr. Pirate!! I've never done this before!! (wink wink nudge nudge)
Will
Post 7
Jack is soooo kinky!!!
Wanted me to bend over and show my 'assets'.
Said it would only sting.
Stuck the head in...
YYYYEEEEOOOOCCCCHHHH!!!!
STING MY ARSE, THAT HURTS!!!!
But... I like it!!
Current mood: Hornier than ever!!
Comments:
Hold still, luv. I haven't even put the whole head (shudders and passes out)
Jack
What? It's OVER?! But... but I didn't get to come!!
Will
I'll make you come, laddie... (hiccup)
Mr. Brown
Ewwwww.... (Well, maybe later...)
Will
Post 8
Norrie came in. Thought he wanted a threesome.
Love Norrie.
Nope, just wanted Jack.
Said something about 'little' Jack almost getting away.
Tossed me his old butt plug and said for me to 'have fun''.
Hate Norrie.
Current Mood: Pissed off, but strangely turned on
Comments:
I DO need that back, Mr. Turner. Gillete left it, I mean, found it on our last pirate raid. It... it's evidence.
Norrington
You kinky bastard!!! How DARE you give him the butt plug I gave you for your birthday!! You're SSSOOOO not getting any tonight!!
Gillete
Post 9
Evil pirates came to town.
Heard they were shagging town's people.
Ran out to see said shagging.
Saw Elizabeth with said evil pirates that were shagging said town's people.
Saw Elizabeth SHAGGING said evil pirates that were shagging said town's people.
Saw...
Current mood: Unconscious
Comments:
SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!!
If you would like to unsubsribe to Yahoo Groups, slick here.
Yahoo Groups Moderator
I hate spam.
Will
Post 10
Elizabeth got kidnapped!!
Good, now I don't have to do the snogging scene with her.
She shagged evil pirates!!
Why can't I shag a pirate?
He doesn't have to be evil!!
Just... kinky...
Need to... pratice my 'sword techqunes' better!!
Must pratice now!!
Current mood: Still Horny!!
Comments:
Will you stop bloodly praticing and come bust me out?
Jack
Bust you out? But I thought you were a top?
Will
He was.
Norrington
Post 11
Decided to bust Jack out of jail.
Decided to run off with Jack on the Black Pearl and shag him senseless.
Was informed by Disney that I have to save Elizabeth or they would make me a eunech.
Decided to rescue Elizabeth.
Maybe I could "accidently" leave her with the evil shagging pirates...
Current mood: Comptemplative
Comments:
If you leave me here with these evil shagging pirates I will implae you with... with... yeah!!Elizabeth
What???
Will and Jack
Oh... Will, I will make you a eunech if you don't hurry up and rescue me!!! (shudders in ecascty) Well... you don't HAVE to come right away...
Elizabeth
Don't worry, I don't plan to!!
Jack
Post 12
Went to Tortuga.
Saw scarry hooker lady.
Scarry hooker lady slapped Jack.
Saw second scarry hooker lady.
Second scarry hooker lady slapped Jack.
Scarry hooker lady slipped me a 'coochie coupon'.
What the hell is a 'coochie coupon'?!
And why is is wet?!
Current mood: Confused
Comments:
A coochie coupon is a coupon that is given to the cute new arrivals on the island that look like virgins. I've been saving that one in my bloomers for just such an emergancy.
Scarrlet
(Turns green) I feel sick...
Will
Aww... that's cute!! He's sea sick. Here, you can have this one too. (Slips double coochie coupon)
Gizelle
Ugh!! This one is even wetter than the first one!! Oh, and what's a double coochie coupon?
Will, still slightly green
Bring that, and you get two, two, two for the price of one! You hear that you whore?! I'm wetter than you!!
Gizelle
I'm REALLY gonna be sick!!
Will
Post 13
After 25 baths, we found us a crew.
They were dirty.
They smelled.
One had no tongue.
One was a woman.
One was a man dressed like a woman!
A drag- queen pirate?!
Current mood: Curious
Comments:
I am NOT a drag- queen!! I am an 'impersonator'.
Black Misstress
Sure you are.
Will
Post 14
Jack and I went into the cave.
Must not look into pirate's mascara lined eyes!!
Jack tried to shag me in the cave.
Said something about the pirate's code of shagging me senseless.
Called me his cave whore.
Hit Jack with oar.
I am no cave whore!!
Current mood: Vibrant
Comments:
If you didn't want to shag, you could have just said so.
Jack
I AM NO CAVE WHORE!!
Will
Stop being a sodding cave whore and save me!! (shudders in ecasty) Well... give me a few more minutes.
Elizabeth
Aren't you tired of shagging the evil shagging pirates yet?
Will
Post 15
Saved Elizabeth.
Saved gold coin.
Gold coin looks strangely attractive.
I think the gold coin finds me strangely attractive!!
Current mood: Strangely turn on
Comments:
(Shine)
Gold Coin
Oh no!! Not again!!! I still didn't get to come!!
Will
You took too long.
Gold Coin
Post 16
The Black Pearl is chasing us!!
The evil shagging pirates are firing lube and dildos at us!!
We must fire them back before we become strangely turned on and start shagging the dildos senseless!! (Gets hit by flying dildo)
Ohh... a purple one!!!
Well, maybe a quick shag...
Current mood: Possessed and turned on
Comments:
Will!! Stop that!! Stop shagging that dildo!! That's mine!!
Elizabeth
And just HOW did your dildo get on the evil shagging pirate ship?
Will
Umm... Well, see it's a long story (Gets hit in eye by flying dildo) Ohh!! A red one!!
Elizabeth
Post 17
Crew got captured.
Jack got thrown overboard.
No!!! Not my Jack!!! He was supposed to shag me senseless!!
Elizabeth got thrown overboard.
Yay!!! She kept trying to shag me senseless.
Evil shagging pirates want virginal sacrifice.
Should have shagged Jack in cave...
Current mood: Aggitated, yet slightly horny
Comments:
Who needs Jack when you got a crew of undead evil shagging pirates that are prepetually horny?
Barbossa
Post 18
Got dragged in cave by hair.
Got tied up to chest.
The evil shagging pirates are going to shag me senseless!!
Help!!! Jack!!! HEL...Oh my God!!!
Barbossa.. 'sword' is HUGE!!
Ok!! Take me!!!
Current Mood: Willing and Able
Comments:
Hands of the virgin. There's a boat load of them outside.
Jack
But we want this virgin!!
Evil Shagging Pirates
But, if you go out and shag those virgins on the boat, you'll get more bragging rights!! You'll be the first crew to shag a boat load of virgins.
Jack
And I suppose you don't want me to shag the whelp.
Barbossa
No, by means all, shag the whelp. Just wait for the oppotune moment.
Jack
But... what about me? I need to be shagged now!!
Will
Post 19
Jack and Barbossa are fighting to shag me!!
I'm fighting to shag Jack.
Elizabeth is fighting to shag the evil pirates.
The evil shagging pirates are fighting to shag everyone. Oh no!!
Barbossa has Jack bent over the chest!!
I have to sacrifice myself for him!
Current mood: Excited
Comments:
No!! If you let them shag you now, then they won't be the plan that Disney mapped out and then they'll turn you into a eunech!! Not that I'll actually get any from you anyway!!
Elizabeth
I don't care!! I don't want anyone to shag Jack but me!! Not some bloody evil shagging pirate!!
Will
Post 20
Jack got free!!
No shagging my pirate!!
Jack shot Barbossa.
I tossed gold coin smeared with my own come in chest.
Jack tossed one in too.
So did Elizabeth.
Wait, she's not supposed to be in this part!!
Scene stealing bitch!!
Current mood: vindictive
Comments:
Well, I wanted to come on a gold coin too.
Elizabeth
BUT IT'S NOT YOUR BLOODY SCENE!!
Will and Jack
You're just mad because I got to shag the pirates and you didn't.
Elizabeth
Maybe so, but at least I didn't shag ALL the evil shagging pirates in a two day period.
Will
Sod off.
Elizabeth
Bite me!
Will
Pull it out and I will!!
Elizabeth
Bitch!
Will
Cave Whore!
Elizabeth
I AM NO CAVE WHORE, YOU SLUT!
Will
Um... the next scene is starting.
Jack
SOD OFF!!
Elizabeth and Will
Post 21
Norrie wants to hang Jack.
Will save Jack from certain hanging death.
Blackmailed Elizabeth into helping.
I siezed an oppotuen moment!!
Let my pirate go!!
Current mood: Heroic
Comments:
You don't know where your place is, Mr. Turner. On your knees, NOW!!
Norrington
I know where my place is. On my knees in front of Jack!!
Will
Mine too!!
Elizabeth
Mine too! I mean, put your guns down!!
Govenor Swann
Post 22
Rescued my pirate.
Going now to shag said pirate.
What do you mean I have to shag Elizabeth?!
She already shagged a full ship of shagging evil pirate! There's no way I shagging her!!
(Mickey Mouse passes Will new script.)
They've turned me into a eunech!!! NOOOOOOO!!!
OK!! OK!! I'll shag her!!!
Current mood: disgusted, appaled, and slightly horny.
Comments:
Hello?
Elizabeth?
Norrie?
Jack?
Evil Shagging Pirates?
Dildo?
I hope you enjoied this!! Here is a sample of the next VSLJ!
Norrington:
I am not a pervy pirate fancier!!
I am not a pervy pirate fancier!!
I am not a pervy pirate fancier!!
Aww the hell wit it. Where's Barbossa?
Current mood: denial
Comments:
HOW DARE YOU, YOU LYING BASTARD!!! YOU ARE SSSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOO NOT GETTING ANY!!!
Gillete
Govenor Swann:
Ran into evil shagging pirate on my ship.
Horney evil shagging pirate asked me to beat it off.
I did...
So now decide:
Who's journal should I do next:
Norrington or Barbossa?
