HARRY POTTER AND THE PARADOX OF
BEING
by Yih
Beta'd: Blackumbrage (formerly Blackumbridge), it's her AIM too ;p.
Important Note: Read the italics carefully… this is 8 years into the future past chapter 1. If you can't tell from the title, it describes how Harry got back to his original universe.
Part 1: Harry Potter and the Mirror of Paradox (complete)--- beta'd by Serra and Blackumbrage
Part 2: Harry Potter and the Extent of Existent (incomplete)--- beta'd by Blackumbrage
Part 3 of the Paradox Series
2: The Return (March 3, 2004 to March 19, 2004)
8 years into the Future…
Disoriented and riddled with pain that burned from his skin to the innermost parts of his body, Harry stumbled out of the vortex that Voldemort had created for him to come back to his home world. Who would have thought--- the irony of it all--- that the Voldemort here was the one to send him to the other universe and that his Voldemort there would send him back home? He never would have… if Voldemort hadn't promised him anything if he married Sahar.
His life was truly messed up. He was a flaming homosexual, but he had accomplished what few honest to god gays ever did--- he'd married two women within a span of ten years. How was that for one truly fucked up existence? He shook his head, blinking madly, as he tried to get some bearing on where he was. It simply would not do him any good if he got himself Avada Kedavra'd in Death Eater land.
The question was… where the bloody hell was--- oh god, sweet merciful heavens--- thin, hard lips burned against his as his body was drawn up tightly against a vaguely familiar body. It couldn't be, could it? The taste was right, not too sweet and not too bitter, and the most telling aspect was the faint hint of mint. It had to be… Severus, and if it was… he was safe.
"Harry," said Severus, there was no mistaking that deep and husky voice of sex, when he drew back to run a sweeping glance over his body, "I've missed you so much."
The coaxing tongue made Harry open his lips ever so slightly, enough for Severus to drive his tongue into his wet, warm mouth. As much as Harry wanted to succumb to this devastating temptation, this was wrong--- this wasn't his Sev. He couldn't do this. It wasn't right. But god, did it feel good. It had been a while since his Sev had kissed him like this, like he needed him--- like he'd die if he didn't have him.
His Sev kissed him like he took him for granted, like there was nothing that would ever tear them apart. He guessed his Sev had every right to be confident. He had stayed with the snarky man for 7 years, hadn't he? He might have married two witches for two different reasons, but the only one he had ever shared his body and his heart with had been Sev. No one else, so why wouldn't he be a bit careless with the showering of affection? It didn't stop Sev from being heinously jealous when he should know there was nothing between him and Hermione.
And Merlin, Sev's reaction when he'd been forced to announce his engagement and later his marriage to Sahar--- he hadn't gotten to be in Sev's arms for a very long time, and then only for a night before he had come here. The sex, then, had been bittersweet. But this kiss was nothing regretful or ominous, instead it was desperation and longing shoved into every crevice of the kiss's being.
He pulled away to gasp for some air so that he wouldn't drown in the intoxicating kiss. A gasp was all he got before Severus's hard lips descended upon his once more to kiss him like he'd never been kissed before. This was so much more than a mere kiss. It was, in some ways, far more intimate than sex. The sheer emotion behind it made Harry want to sink into it and never come out of it.
There was so much need and want, yearning and… love. That couldn't be right, could it? This Severus couldn't love him. It was impossible. This Severus had to hate him, had to despise him. He was Harry Potter. He was James Potter's son. Severus Snape, the greasy git, the Potions Master who had made his life a living hell in Hogwarts for 5 years, couldn't be the one that was kissing his breath away.
It was impossible, yet here he was getting his knees made wobbly by the only wizard other than Voldemort that had true justification for despising him. After all, what his father had done to Severus had been horrible and unforgiving. He didn't know how he'd react if he had to be in Severus's shoes. It was something that couldn't be judged until one had experienced it. And yet, somehow Severus had put it all behind himself and was kissing him as thoroughly as if Harry was the love of his life.
"You won't leave me this time," Severus declared raggedly as his lips kissed Harry's neck. "You won't fail this time. I won't let you." More kisses that trailed down his throat as Severus brushed aside his collar. "There's not much time," he murmured. "There's never any time." He drew away, his dark eyes pinning Harry's emerald ones. "You're more beautiful as you truly are than you have ever been as Sebastian Biggerstaff."
"I…" Harry began.
"Hush," Severus commanded in the tone that broke for no disagreement at all. That actually sounded quite like the Severus he was used to dealing with that hated his guts. "Listen to me, and don't interrupt unless you have to."
Harry nodded. "All right."
"I don't know that much about you or your life before," Severus remarked, "only what you told me briefly before you… you, gods, this is so difficult." His voice was actually breaking up. Severus's voice never broke up. He was choked with emotion. How unlike the Severus he knew or even his Sev.
Harry decided to help him. "I told you everything you needed to know to help me when I came back in case I died… which I did."
"Yes," Severus responded raggedly, "but you aren't going to leave me this time. Do you understand?" His hands gripped Harry's shoulders and held him tightly like he'd never let go. "I won't let you."
"Sometimes…"
"You won't fail, I know more about Voldemort and his strategies than he'd ever be able to guess, and I know how important it is that you go back further than what you did the previous time. I believe I met you in 2003, which was 3 years from now. You came back and stayed before the final battle which was held in 2005 and along the way… I think you know what happened between us."
Harry nodded, allowing Severus to continue without any further interruptions, "I knew you as Sebastian Biggerstaff for a few months before you broke it to the Order that you were Harry Potter and that you'd made your way back from an alternate dimension where you'd been training hard to help with the war here. By the time I knew who you were," he remarked wryly, "it was already too late to stop my desire for you. And as much as I'd prefer to have you as you are," he murmured, tracing a finger down Harry's throat, "you must be Sebastian Biggerstaff until Voldemort is destroyed.
"Somehow the information got leaked to Voldemort that you were not Sebastian Biggerstaff but Harry Potter and he and his Death Eaters targeted you exclusively until the final battle in which they outnumbered you and separated you from the rest of us… and you know what happened then," Severus said with a tight and unforgiving voice. "And by the time you'd come, most of your friends and our allies were dead except for the hardiest survivors amongst us. Your skills would have been useful if you had come earlier, before the first breach.
"What I'm saying is that you need to time turn back further than what you had last time. I would say around the summer after 6th year," Severus stated firmly. "Not any sooner or people will be suspicious as they had been and continued to be with anyone new after Harry Potter disappeared into the cursed mirror. Do you understand me Harry? You have to time turn back 8 years to your 7th year, and you must convince Albus to allow you to be a Professor."
"Defense against the Dark Arts?" he retorted wryly, the only subject he could imagine himself teaching and the only position that Albus always had trouble filling with anyone competent.
"No," Severus responded sharply, "you need to convince Albus to let you start a medimagic class. It's important that you teach the students that might have an aptitude for it as the crushing blow to us in the first breach was that St. Mungo's was hit first and most of the mediwizards on the light side were wiped out before the second wave hit Hogwarts. When you go back, you need to strengthen St. Mungo's wards, convince the aurors to do that and to teach the students at Hogwarts so some of them will be ready to heal their classmates when the first breach occurs."
"And when will it occur?" Harry inquired. "And how is it possible for me to time turn back 8 years? It's physically impossible for a time turner to work more than a few weeks, maybe a month or two."
"That it is," Severus agreed, "but I've amplified
it with a potion that over the last year or so I've been working on when I
haven't been purging my memory into this book for you to take back with you so
that you know everything that should happen." Severus
handed Harry a leather bound journal that was inches thick. "Also, time
turners have gotten more powerful so the simple amplification potion makes it
possible. How else did you get back the first time? However, you
ought to know that things will change from this when you start changing the
timeline. I can't say what will be good choices or not, but I have made
suggestions in the margins about possible ways to approach stopping the
dreadful events. But I can only speculate on what will happen if you
choose that action."
"The paradox," Harry murmured. "I go back to change things and I might
end up making things worse."
"No," Severus disagreed, "don't think that. You'll make things better."
"How do you know? The first time all my friends died…"
"You saved me."
Harry bit his lip. "Still…"
"You can't save everyone, Harry."
He gulped down painfully. "Aren't that what I'm here for? To save everyone?"
"Don't get full of yourself," Severus responded harshly. "It's not only you that is needed to defeat Voldemort. He may have marked you in the prophecy, but that doesn't mean that you can take on the entire burden of destroying him by yourself. It's not you that's needed. It's all of us. Because even though you might be meant to kill him, he's only 1 of the wizards that you have to go against. His Death Eaters are a strategically loyal bunch, and you have to deal with them."
Harry nodded. "I know that."
"Good," Severus murmured, pressing a hard kiss against Harry's lips. "Keep that in mind when you go back. You need all the help that you can get. Try to get the Malfoy's early. I know Lucius doesn't like Voldemort anymore because Voldemort has hardly lived up to what Lucius expected to get from him." Severus laughed bitterly. "He wanted power, but he didn't want it through servile methods. It's beneath a Malfoy, and Draco… Draco's the link that you need to get to Lucius. Draco's the one that is the easiest turned. Actually, Narcissa might be but Narcissa is harder to access than Draco while you're at Hogwarts and you need to be at Hogwarts. And while you need to teach medimagic, you also need to conduct other classes teaching them the art of dueling."
"Anything else?" Harry inquired wryly.
"Much more, but you can read the book for that. I have everything in there. I purged my thoughts into a pensieve and used a spell to put it into words. Then I went through it waiting for you to return adding any further insights that I could that I think would help you." Severus took a deep breath and stepped away from Harry, his hands dropping limply to his side. "Remember this one thing. Don't underestimate Bellatrix Lestrange. She's the one that ended up killing most of your friends. She's insane, but even in her madness… she's too clever and too vindictive by far."
"I'll remember."
"Harry?"
Severus took two objects from his pocket, a time-turner and a small vial--- the amplifying potion. He placed the time-turner securely around Harry's neck and placed the vial into Harry's hand. "I love you despite who you are." Harry broke out into a grin, he couldn't help it even if it wasn't his Severus. It was hard… the man was exactly like his Severus in so many ways that it was hard to discern the two of them. Severus withdrew a small letter from inside his robes. "This is a letter to Albus that I've written as your recommendation. It's sealed personally by my magical signature and it's impossible to forge. Of course, the past Severus will not want to believe it--- then again, it doesn't matter because even he will know that it's impossible for it be forged and that will be your key in getting the trust of the Order. Albus will trust you because he trusts me."
Harry clutched the letter tightly and stared down at the vial. "I…"
"Drink the potion and turn the time-turner back 4 years and the potion will amplify it to 8 and that'll send you back to the beginning of your 7th year at Hogwarts," Severus explained methodically. "And remember, you will come back to me. You will. There are instructions at the end of the book on what you have to do. You have to complete the deed before 2003 because your other self will be there by then and I have no idea how the powers that be will react with two souls that are the same person in the same time period. I don't think we want to know that."
Harry nodded, but he knew that it wouldn't happen. It couldn't, that's why he hadn't been able to return before. It wasn't only the barrier from Voldemort that had blocked him, it was the fact that his future self was already there that had kept him away. God, the paradox was such a complicated puzzle that he didn't even know how to react to it for the fear of screwing up and creating an even bigger mess than before.
"You should go now," Severus murmured.
"May I ask you something?" Severus pursed his lips into a firm line and slowly nodded his head. "Did you… ahh… um…"
"Did I love you?" Harry nodded sheepishly. Why he wanted to know, he didn't know. He just felt compelled to for some inane reason. "It's not a question of did I love you," Severus murmured hoarsely, almost harshly. "I do love you still, and I will love you always."
Harry froze where he was, when Severus had said that—declared that with such a strength, it was like hearing his Sev saying it. He gritted his teeth together and took a deep breath as he felt like at any second it would be unbearable for him. "How? Why?" he burst out. He didn't understand. How could Severus love him, love him still when he knew he was Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, the son of James Potter.
"Because," Severus began fiercely, his hand reaching out to caress Harry's cheek, "my love for you as Sebastian Biggerstaff exceeded such bounds that even when I found out you were Harry Potter, I could not help but love you even more for loving me despite the way I had treated you in the past."
"I…"
"I do not expect you to feel the same way about me now, but you will. I know you will." Harry wanted to ask him more, but Severus shook his head and gestured to the time turner. It was time that Harry went. "You must go before I do a stupid thing and keep you here."
Harry almost smiled but it wasn't a time to smile. As if Severus would ever do a stupid thing like that. He didn't know of a more disciplined wizard that never allowed a weakness of the mind to get the better of him. It was one of the many characteristics that he admired so much about Severus, and it didn't matter if it was his Sev or not. It seemed to be an inherent trait no matter what dimension he was in. Truly, they were nearly the same—but he had to keep in mind they weren't the same. They weren't.
And he didn't even want to think about how this Severus had fallen in love with him. It made his head hurt and his heart ache to think about that. Had he? Was it his fault? He didn't want it to be his weakness, but he knew that it had to be him, for who else could it be? It couldn't be Severus… so it had to be him. It had to be.
"Severus?"
"Yes?"
"I won't fail."
Severus nodded. "I know you won't." Harry reached for the time turner and glanced down at the object that would bring him back in time. "You need to drink the potion first," Severus reminded him. Harry blushed slightly and took the vial and gulped it down. "Now turn the time turner, Harry."
Harry took the time turner and he slowly turned the hand back four years, the limit that it reached and he felt the sucking feel that was much stronger than a portkey pulling at his being. Faintly in the background he heard Severus shouting at him, "TRUST IN YOURSELF!"
This was his worst nightmare. He hated the feel of anything similar to a portkey ever since that first unforgettable incident where his blood had been used to restore Voldemort and in the process ended up getting innocent Cedric Diggory murdered. How long was this going to take? He did not know. How long was a time turner usually suppose to take? He sighed, he didn't know. He had never used one before.
He was spinning, his body twisting and turning in weird distorted angles that it was a wonder that he wasn't being ripped apart. It felt like his soul was trying to escape his body. He didn't now how to describe this… it was weird, it wasn't right, this wasn't suppose to happen. It was abnormal. It was not something anyone should go through for it was not natural. This was going against everything the world was… switching time around and forcing it to bend to magic. It felt more unnatural than going between the alternate dimensions. This felt wrong.
God this felt endless, he thought. When was this aberrant against nature going to end? No wonder time-turners were kept under magic surveillance, and the time-turners they had had back then were nothing compared to the one that Severus had given to him. A few hours at most, but had time turners like these existed back then? No, probably not, or else they would have done something long ago to prevent Voldemort's rise to power. This had to have been invented in the last few years… like the amplifying potion… but who?
It had to be someone powerful at charms that intimately understood the workings of time and of magic. But… oh fucking Merlin, he was beginning to feel nauseous as the spinning began to increase like a vortex out of control. When he got out of this, he was definitely not going to ever take a trip like this again. This was worse than dimension jumping, but at least he didn't have to look forward to any horrible pain caused by Voldemort's magical blockage. That was one small comfort he took hold of as he felt his body stop feeling disjointed and started feeling all too heavily compacted.
Holy crap, Harry cursed as he felt his body being jarred by the quite hard landing. He took a deep breath and expelled it with relief. He had been muttering spells to check his body to make sure that he was all right, and he found that he hadn't sustained any major damage. He would have bruises, but nothing was broken. Thank god. "I'm never doing that again," he muttered to himself. "No bloody way."
So was he back? He wasn't sure…
"You fall from the sky," came the sarcastic response, "and then you talk to yourself," in a drawl that was effortlessly familiar, "I would say you are mentally disturbed and need to be taken off to St. Mungo's… so if you don't start explaining what you're doing disrupting the wards around Hogwarts… that's exactly where you'll end up."
Author's Note: Some of you have pointed out that in EoE I said that Severus knew who Harry was. Since a good majority of you were confused by chapter 5 of EoE, I also mentioned that future Harry told present Harry that it was BEST FOR Harry not to divulge who he was as he had done last time which caused the 'devastation' of the wizarding light world.
EoE Note: I will post a drabble about how Harry got his limp from Voldemort on my LiveJournal (the link's in my profile). I'll announce it on the MOP mailing list when I do.
Questions to help you review: (1) That scorching kiss!!! (2) The explanation of the paradox… thoughts, theories, anything at all? (3) How Severus should react when Harry goes back in time with the time turner? (4) Any other thoughts about how fabulously complex this storyline is?!
Contact Me: (AIM) sevviepooh or (MSN) wan_mei_zhu_yi @ hotmail.com…
Thanks to Ethos (I never stopped writing the series, it's broken up into 3 different parts… MoP, EoE, and PoB), walker-of-the-shadow-path (well it's one sided on Draco's part), B (we'll see what happens with Severus and Harry here ;p), Vy, eth, Mikito, TJ, borne-shadow-childe, Solo D. Maxwell-Yuy, shamanogler (it's mentioned in MOP that Sirius is DEAD in Harry's world), od_ducky, darkess-knight, Hrfslythrn, Nelum, TigerBlak (Remember, this is 8 years in the past, Severus doesn't find out immediately and remember in EoE Harry is told NOT TO LET anyone know identity), Colibi, beatriz-T, Vash-the-dork, hpiceangel, Illucia (we'll see if you still prefer MOP when I'm done with this one. I actually had the outline of this before I even conceived the background story… i.e. MOP. No Harry doesn't teach all his students the same things, the advanced class is made up of a faster bunch of students… the question is why Ron's in the class. *scratches head* I need to think about that one ;p), The angelic vampire, Nemati, midnightprowler (again it's 8 year in the past and Severus doesn't know Harry is Harry ;p), athenakitty, shells33, Siderius Cimmerii, Shuki (Harry and Severus are not a couple, though Severus is intrigued by Harry as I explain by the letter in which older Severus sealed for Harry in this chapter), ennui deMorte (yes Ginny will pop up, and that'll be a first time in my fanfiction realm actually), wolfen-alysha-draco-dragon, TN (b/c in the HP/DM case, it's one sided).
TBC...
Chapter 3: The
Apprentices
Draco + Hermione… oh my!
