HARRY POTTER AND THE PARADOX OF BEING

by Yih

beta'd by Blackumbrage.

A drabble has been posting regarding Harry's limp on my livejournal (link in profile).


4: The Relationships (April 13, 2004 to April 17, 2004)

There was a soft knock on his chamber doors. "Come in."

Whoever Severus had been expecting, it hadn't been Sebastian. He especially wasn't expecting a troubled and haggard looking Sebastian either. It looked like Sebastian hadn't gotten any sleep last night. There were dark circles underneath his eyes and Severus felt the unexpected urge to want to drag Sebastian into bed with him and it wasn't to shag the young man either, but to make sure that he got a decent night's sleep. It was more than the fact he desired Sebastian, it had more to do with that they were good friends.

Severus smiled wryly, who would have thought he would have a colleague that was actually a friend? Certainly not him. The problem with being friends with people that you work with, Severus thought with amusement, was that he was such a harsh critic that it invariable got underneath other people's skin to the degree they couldn't get along with him anymore. He still considered it their fault for being so thinned skinned though.

"You look terrible," Severus stated honestly, feeling no need to be anything less than truthful.

Harry smiled a bit. "You look good."

Severus scowled, inwardly pleased that Sebastian hadn't taken his brutal honesty badly, then again Sebastian wouldn't have been able to work with him in the potions laboratory if he wasn't able to take cutting commentary. He was also secretly delighted, though he would be hard pressed to say so, that Sebastian had said that he looked good. He had actually washed his hair today without using a spell. There was noticeably less grease. The prat better enjoy it, he had done it for him.

"What's wrong?" Severus asked, thinking it was best to get to the point. "You don't look this bad every day."

Harry chuckled. "I would hope not."

"So what's wrong?" Severus prodded.

Harry sighed. It wasn't like Severus didn't know that he was from the future. Only Severus and Albus knew he was from 8 years hence. There were still some details he had left out, like the fact that he was Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, the figure they were still searching frantically for. But mostly, they knew the full story as anyone could know it and not get a terrible headache.

He really ought to tell Severus. He had gone down to the Dungeons with the intention of telling Severus about his dilemma. He really didn't know what to do. He knew what was going to happen, but he was afraid if he changed the St. Mungo's catastrophe, he wouldn't know when Voldemort would strike Hogwarts. As important as St. Mungo's was, Harry still considered Hogwarts far more important. Hogwarts held the future generations.

"St. Mungo's is going to be attacked by You Know Who."

"Is that what you were stressing yourself over all day?" Severus queried, not lightly but not with such severity as the situation would normally warrant. Severus knew something that he didn't, Harry knew it. Had things already changed then from what the future Severus had detailed in the journals? Oh fuck, if so. "Because the Dark Lord was going to attack, but he has decided not to. Do you know why?"

Harry shook his head. "Why?"

"Because of you."

Harry felt his back go ramrod stiff.

"The Dark Lord wants to recruit you."

Harry closed his eyes.

"And he believes that attacking St. Mungo's to destroy it would offend you since he plans to make you an offer to rise you to the status of Head Mediwizard of Great Britain if you join the Death Eater ranks," Severus murmured, watching Sebastian carefully to see his reaction. There was nothing alarming about his response, though perhaps it was not totally what Severus expected. "He plans to approach you soon."

"What would he want with a Mediwizard?"

"As much as you would like to believe that you've kept your other skills hidden," Severus remarked, "things have been told to him about your abilities that make you far more desirable to him than your mere medimagic capabilities."

"Like what?"

"Your potions ability."

"I am not a Potions Master though," Harry protested.

"True," Severus agreed, "but there's a lot more you can do, more difficult and obscure potions that can be made if there are two people that are proficient at potions working together. Up 'til now I've been able to avoid brewing them by stating that it was impossible, and I do know that there are some potions that he desperately wants to make. Such as the one that will restore him into a more human like body than the one he currently occupies since it is suppose to confer physical beauty, and theoretically speaking it should make him less unappealing as he is now."

"Still… there are others that he could have gotten."

"None that I would have worked with," Severus remarked, "and none that show your aptitude."

"Dumbledore wants another spy," Harry stated wearily.

"We need another spy," Severus stated. "Dumbledore knows this, but I didn't think it was prudent. I'm warning you to refuse him, no matter how good it will help our cause like Dumbledore says."

"I can't even if I wanted to," Harry responded, he had already been marked by one Voldemort, he couldn't be marked by both. His Voldemort would be furious. And as much as he might dislike his Voldemort, there was nothing like the hate he had for this Voldemort. At least his Voldemort had somewhat of a heart, this Voldemort showed nothing at all. He was a despicable snake.

"When will Dumbledore approach me?"

"Sometime this week," Severus remarked. "I was going to tell you tomorrow when we met at the laboratory, but here was as good of a time as any and it'll get your mind off of stressing over St. Mungo's. St. Mungo's is safe for now."

"But it won't be if I refuse him."

Severus sighed. "Probably not."


The next morning came quickly, but not quickly enough for Draco Black Malfoy. He knew the offer for the apprenticeship was coming. While he had informally accepted it, he still needed to officially accept it by returning his acceptance in formal writing once he'd gotten the offer. Last night had seemed to drag on forever until it was finally time for breakfast. Hopefully the mail would arrive promptly. And if he was lucky, he would be able to make his response before classes even started.

Parkinson, the annoying bitch had asked him if something was wrong since he looked rather tired today. Of course, he was tired. He had stayed up all night anticipating Professor Biggerstaff's offer. He could only hope that the offer included living with the Professor in his personal quarters. Just thinking about catching the Professor in intimate circumstances had him half hard. If he only thought about it a little bit more, he would be fully aroused and Parkinson would think it was for her. Draco sneered inwardly in disgust.

"The mail's coming," Goyle remarked, always feeling like he had to state the obvious.

Draco rolled his eyes, but he was too anxious with hoping to see an owl wing his way to bother snapping at Goyle for being such a blatant fool. He sighed with relief when he noticed one of the typical Hogwarts barn owls, an unflattering shade of brown swooping down to drop a heavy parchment in front of him. He licked his lips with anticipation as he saw most of the eyes of the Slytherin table rest on him. Everyone knew what a parchment of that size from a Hogwarts owl meant. It didn't hurt either that there was the black basilisk seal that was the trademark of Professor Sebastian Biggerstaff.

He carefully tore open the seal, thinking once again that it was curious that the mediwizard's seal was a basilisk. That was a decidedly Slytherin type seal. Whatever, his silvery eyes quickly scanned over the rudimentary greeting and down to the terms where his attempt to squelch his hard-on proved a dismal failure when he read: You have the option of living in my quarters with me, which will be magically expanded to accommodate you or you may live somewhere else as long as it is within easy commuting distance to Hogwarts. As if he would NOT choose to live near Sebastian.

Draco was so caught up in reading and re-reading that particular part of the offer that it wasn't until Parkinson jabbed him hard in the elbow that he glanced up. "Granger got an offer from Professor Biggerstaff too," Parkinson hissed like a medusa. "I thought Professors only handed out one apprenticeship every few years. Why is he handing out two?"

He felt coldness in his heart as he turned his gaze to where Hermione was reading the offer with every bit the focused intent that he had given it, despite the numerous other parchments that rested near her arm. She had gotten other offers, of course as the Head Girl and the brain of their class. He also had gotten another offer, from Professor Snape--- which was rather expected. He didn't need to read it to know the conditions it would contain. He suspected he knew it by heart. After all, hadn't his family been planning for his apprenticeship with his godfather since he started Hogwarts?

It disgusted him the ruckus the stupid prats were making. The exuberant Gryffindor table was cheering and congratulating her at all her outstanding offers. Draco's narrowed gaze shifted to the head table where Professor Biggerstaff sat near the end of the table next to his godfather, Professor Snape. What game was Biggerstaff playing? Offering to both of them? He'd be damned if he had to work with Hermione. It would be just his luck if she didn't accept another offer.


"You can't be seriously thinking of accepting this offer," Ron needled as he walked with Hermione down the hallway back to the Gryffindor Tower so that she could drop off all her apprenticeship offers. "I mean, you've got a great offer from both McGonagall and Flitwick."

"True," Hermione murmured, "but Professor Biggerstaff has offered to tutor me in any other subject matter that I would be interested in and I get to learn medimagic as well. You know how fascinated I am by the subject."

Ron snorted. In his real opinion, he thought that Hermione was far too interested in the subject. As irritating as it had been in the earlier days to hear her quote verbatim from Hogwarts, A History it was far more annoying to hear her prattle on and on about mediimagic theory. "What if Draco accepts it as well?" he remarked instead. "You would have to work with him."

Hermione smiled. "I don't think he'll accept."

"Why not?" Ron countered. "He is one of the best students in the class, and he even gets better marks than you do."

"Because," Hermione responded sweetly, "can you really imagine Professor Snape offering to someone and them not accepting it? He hasn't offered an apprenticeship to anyone ever in his interim as a Professor at Hogwarts. It's a huge honor, and that is quite a pureblood boon. Besides, it's quite a slap in Draco's face to get an offer from Professor Biggerstaff that a muggleborn has also wrung an offer from."

Ron grumbled.

"I could learn both Charms and Defense against the Dark Arts from him, Ron!" Hermione exclaimed. "I've heard he's wonderful in both."

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered. "But you are really good at Transfiguration, Hermione."

She bit her lip. That was quite true. McGonagall had promised in her offer to help her become an Animagus within the apprenticeship. And the fact was, she had the suspicion she was better at Transfiguration right now than Professor Biggerstaff was. She would lose that, but she was still hoping that her Head of House would still be willing to guide her through the process of being an Animagus even if she refused McGonagall's offer.

"I know," she whispered.

"You are the best in the school," Ron remarked. "Do you really want to give that up?" He reached out and caressed her cheek. "It's your gift, Hermione. It's a wonderful gift," he murmured. "It would make you a brilliant Auror."

Hermione sighed and turned away. "Who says I want to be an Auror?"

"You've always wanted to be one," he insisted.

She shook her head. "It was only you… and Harry."


He was holding the acceptance letter. Despite the fact that the pesky and annoying Granger girl had gotten an offer out of Professor Biggerstaff, he doubted that she would accept it. Why should she? She had other offers, other far better offers. Why accept the offer from a mere mediwizard when she could accept one from a dueling champion like Flitwick or her Head of House, McGonagall?

Draco nodded politely to the portrait that was stationed outside of Professor Biggerstaff's office and asked, "May I speak to Professor Biggerstaff?"

"In a moment," came the polite response as the portrait went to check to make sure that the Professor was willing to see his student. The portrait's occupant returned and smiled. "Professor Biggerstaff will see you."

The portrait swung open and Draco entered into the office. "Professor?"

"Come in, come in," Harry murmured. "Are you here to drop off your offer?"

"Yes," Draco answered. He handed the parchment to Sebastian. "I've accepted."

Harry smiled. "I'm glad."

Draco grinned back. Sebastian was so fucking gorgeous. "I'm honored that you made the offer."

"I'm overwhelmed you chose me over your godfather," Harry murmured. "It may cause a few hard words between us, but I hope that it won't unsettle our friendship."

"Severus isn't like that," Draco retorted. "If he's upset at anyone, it'll be from me. But he ought to know that I am not going to make a good potions student. If he should have offered for anyone, it should have been Granger. I'm not even his second best student."

"But Professor Snape does have other talents," Harry remarked. "He is a brilliant defense theorist and he would have taught you that… as well as the dark arts."

"Which," Draco added softly, "wouldn't be sanctioned at Hogwarts."

Harry sighed. "Which is a pity since one must know what one is fighting against."

Draco's head snapped toward his Professor. Was it possible that the most perfectly beautiful man saw that the dark arts weren't so bad? Could it be that Sebastian was even more perfect than Draco had thought possible? "You understand that not all the dark arts are evil?"

"Didn't you read the offer carefully?" Harry murmured. "I did offer to instruct you in it."

Draco blushed lightly. He had skimmed the rest after reading the possibility of living in Professor Biggerstaff's personal quarters. "I skimmed it. I knew I'd accept it after you told me yesterday."

Harry nodded. "I was hoping that you would."

"You knew that I would," Draco whispered.

"Yes."

Draco bit down on his bottom lip. "Then why did you offer for Hermione Granger?"

"Because," Harry responded carefully, "she is very talented and I would like to cultivate that."

"Do you really think she'll accept your offer?"

Harry shrugged. "I have no idea."

Draco hoped she didn't.


"Professor McGonagall?" Hermione queried. "You wanted to speak to me?"

"Yes," Minerva remarked, smiling at her best pupil and the most talented student she had had in a long time… ever since James Potter, "please come in and sit down Hermione." Hermione walked into the room and sat down where her Head of House gestured. Once Hermione was seated, Minerva began by saying, "You realize that you are one of the most brilliant students to pass through the walls of Hogwarts in a long time."

Hermione nodded, but she kept thinking in the back of her head that the only reason she was, was because Harry was no longer there. Just thinking about Harry made her eyes tear up. It was so hard and it had been so long and still they couldn't find where Harry had disappeared to! "Thank you," Hermione whispered.

"You are the most talented student in Transfiguration since James Potter, and you know what he accomplished while he was still in school," Minerva remarked. "I would daresay you know far more theory than he did and are far more well versed in Transfiguration despite the fact he was an Animagus. I understand that you have received an offer from Professor Biggerstaff to be trained to be a mediwitch, and while I think you would make a fabulous mediwitch… I don't think you should give up what you are truly gifted in."

"Professor McGonagall?"

"All that I'm saying," Minerva continued, "is that I will understand if you do not decide to accept my offer. Professor Biggerstaff's offer is quite a good one and he is quite the talented wizard. I have no doubt that you will learn a lot from him. I just hope that you will consider my offer on equal grounds with him. If you become his apprentice, there is no viable way for you to train to become an Animagus at least for several years because after training for the MEDs, you will need to take additional instruction at St. Mungo's. James Potter's success was rather dumb luck, and I'm rather relieved they didn't permanently damage themselves. I," she muttered, "am still amazed that Pettigrew didn't splice himself."

Hermione chuckled because she understood where McGonagall was coming from. Peter Pettigrew wasn't the type of wizard that you'd think would make an Animagus. Then again, he did relate rather well to the animal form that he was, and that had probably helped him to take on that form. Hermione was curious on what her form would be, but she wouldn't know what it was until she actually started training to be an Animagus.

"Please consider my offer. You are the best I've seen in a long time."

Hermione bit down on her bottom lip. She realized that. The question was… what did she want?


I am sorry. I cannot accept your offer.

Sincerely yours,

Hermione Granger.


Author's Note: I'm sick again. Why do I always get sick when I'm about to have major tests? I'm cursed, I swear. I love you guys, you make writing all worthwhile. I'll response next time to the reviews, but they've been awesome (especially all the encouraging stuff on the mailing list!) Thank you sooooo much! Keep it up and I'll write more, I swear. ^_^.

Go review.

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