Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. The rabbit and J K Rowling own it all. Though I DO wish (very often) that Sirius and Remus belonged to me.

Warnings: This is GRAPHIC SLASH (meaning male-on-male interaction of the sexual kind) Please don't read it if you don't like it and then flame me. I'll just laugh, because I have warned you. It'll only show how stupid you are if you do.

Notes: This takes place just after the Marauders have left Hogwarts. I like happy endings so I'll just ignore what it says in the books and make them all impossible anyway.

This whole Chapter (and the next one) are flashbacks to how Sirius and Remus got together and became mates. (It's two because the first draft got to 12 pages.) Remus – poor baby – is quite angsty all through because of the "werewolves mate for life" thing. OK, that's done. See you on the other side …

Chapter 4 – Falling for Sirius (Flashback)

Remus pretended to read the book. He wasn't. He was just concentrating on one word to keep his brain off Sirius, who was lying on his back in front of the fire with his hands stretched up above his head. James was sitting on his stomach and giving him a good telling off for embarrassing him in front of Lilly that morning. Perfectly innocently, of course. Remus' two best friends amazed him sometimes. They could actually get away with being in a position that would have caused rumour to run rife if it were any other two boys – or girls – without anyone batting an eyelid.

They had been friends for so long that they were closer than brothers, although if one had a problem they would always turn to Remus. The werewolf often felt like an enormous dustbin for James and Sirius' emotions. Sometimes – most times – they would yell at him until they were hoarse, then apologise and often break down into tears before pouring out their hearts to him. Other times they would just sit with him, knowing he wouldn't be angry about their presence and that he wouldn't ask what was the matter until they were ready to talk.

Suddenly, Sirius pushed James off, stopping him in mid-sentence, and sat up. "Shut up a minute. Remus? You OK? You look a bit distant and your eyes aren't moving."

Remus grunted and tried to ignore him. However, Sirius pulled the book out of his grasp and looked down at the page. "What're you reading about?"

He almost panicked. He didn't even know which book it was. 'Calm down! Don't go mad – just make an excuse …'

Almost normally, Remus replied, "You have the book in front of you."

"I've got a headache with James shouting at me. My head hurts too much for reading. Just tell me. Make it easier for us all."

"Uh …"

"See, you weren't reading! What's the matter?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Sirius got up, tossing the book to James. "Careful with that! It's the library's!"

Sirius ignored him and sat down close enough that their hips touched. Remus sprang off the sofa as though it was suddenly red hot and glared down at Sirius. "Don't do that!"

"What?"

"You know what!"

Sirius looked over at James, confused. By the time he looked back, Remus had stormed up the stairs to the boys' dormitories. "What was that about?"

Sirius shrugged. He had a vague idea, but he wasn't going to tell James and risk Remus' friendship. "I'll go talk to him in a minute. Let him cool off a bit."

When Sirius came upstairs, Remus was lying on his stomach on the bed pulverising his pillow. Sirius only just held back a moan as Remus rolled onto his back, ignoring him. He was in such a vulnerable, touchable position. "Remus, what was that about?"

Remus shrugged. "Doesn't matter."

Sirius walked over and crouched beside the bed, pushing his sleeves further up his arms again. Remus smiled. "Washerwoman."

"Swot."

"Quidditch junkie."

"Four-eyes."

"Not fair."

"'S tis."

"I only wear them for reading, and when the text's really small, and you know it."

"Yeah, but you with four eyes is a really hilarious mental picture!"

Remus smiled and looked up at the canopy above again. That gave Sirius a clear view of his ear and his neck. 'Which to go for?' he wondered silently. 'Playful or sexy?'

Remus sighed deeply, his eyes troubled. 'OK, maybe neither right now …'

"Want to talk?"

"I'm gay."

"Pardon?"

"You heard; I'm gay."

"OK, where'd that confession come from?" Sirius frowned. Remus shrugged, sitting up and starting to pull off his shirt. "Is it really the sort of thing you should've told me, right before stripping your top off? I mean, considering my record?"

Remus looked over at him, picking up his pyjama top. "What record?"

"Oh… James didn't tell you? I told him to. He said he had …"

"When?"

"Just before that Potions test –"

"Well, I was probably too busy revising to pay attention. What record?"

"He said you said it was … nice. I always did wonder about that …"

"Sirius, my reaction to someone saying the planet's blown up when I'm revising is, 'Oh. That's nice.' What record?

"Uh – well, I … God this is embarrassing …"

"Think how I feel. I wrote to tell my parents this morning."

"Who's the lucky guy?" Sirius asked, curious in the same way lemmings are curious about what's over the cliff …

"He doesn't know. He never will," Remus replied in a tone that clearly indicated that he had said enough.

"Why?"

"Werewolves mate for life and I don't want to stick him with me," Remus explained, reminding Sirius of a fact he was already aware of. He pulled on his top and lay back down.

"You don't have to have sex, you know."

"Yeah, but that's generally the sort of relationship he goes for – how can I put it nicely? … Physical? Yeah? At least, I think that's what he goes for. I think his longest relationship was three weeks. Sirius, do we have to talk about this?"

"No."

"Tell me your 'record' then."

"No!"

"I told you my secret straight out, you tell me yours."

"OK, fine. I'm gay too, and I've been out with five blokes."

"How many'd you go with?"

Sirius mumbled something unintelligible, even to Remus' ears, which were well trained in recognising Sirius' low mumbles. "Sorry?"

Sirius muttered very quietly, "None of them."

"So? It's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"It gets worse. And you think it's the only thing I care about. I know you do. Everyone does."

"I don't!" Remus denied, even though he wasn't telling the truth. He didn't think it came in top on Sirius' list of 'most cared-about things', but he had certainly thought it was somewhere in the top ten. He was genuinely surprised; from the way Sirius had said that, he was evidently very wrong. Sirius shook his head, getting up so he could sit down next to Remus on the bed.

"Don't lie to me. Remus? I know you've never been with anyone – from your last comment about werewolves, I mean …"

"Is this going the way I think it is?"

"Remus, do you know how many people I've been with?"

"Oh, God, it is going the way I thought it would! Sirius, you really don't want to tell me this. You'll be suicidal when you wake up tomorrow and you remember you told me!"

"No I won't! I want you to know."

"No! You don't want to tell me! I'm not listening!" Remus said loudly, clamping his hands over his ears and starting to hum. Sirius pried one of his hands away. "I'll go downstairs and shout it to the whole Common Room if you don't listen, and it'll be all your fault."

Remus sighed deeply. Sirius was going to want to jump off the top of the Astronomy tower tomorrow. "Fine."

Sirius took a deep breath. "Right. The grand total of people I've been out with is … is … well it's a very large number, right? Well I … I … I never – you know – with any of them, Remus."

Well that was a revelation. From the way Sirius went on, Remus would have thought there wasn't a single girl Sirius had been out with who hadn't slept with him."Eh? You – you must have …"

"No. Wouldn't let them."

"Why?"

Sirius shrugged. His shoulders were shaking. After a moment of indecision, Remus slid his arm around his shoulders and pulled Sirius close. Sirius pulled his knees up to his chin, wrapping his arms around them, and leant against the younger boy. "Remus? Does it matter?"

"What?"

"That I'm … to tell the absolute truth, that I'm completely frigid? That I'm … you know …"

"No? You're in good company, you know. No one who sleeps in this room isn't."

"What, not James? I thought – "

Remus laughed softly. "Yeah, right! He made up everything he said to you. I know that for a fact, 'coz he came to me the next day feeling really bad for lying."

Sirius managed a weak laugh. "I thought …"

"Sirius, you don't have to do it on your sixteenth birthday just because you can. You don't have to fuck the brains out of the first girl you see. Or guy. Or just anything on two legs. Whatever floats your boat."

This time Sirius really did laugh. He snuggled up to Remus and slid an arm around his waist. "Remus, who is it? You can tell me. I won't tell them."

Remus shrugged. "Does it matter?"

"Our year?"

Remus didn't answer. "OK, so itis our year. Is he in Gryffindor?"

More silence.

"Ooo! Is it Peter? I always thought he was queer, but I didn't think he'd be your type – "

"It's not Peter!" Remus yelped. Gods, he wasn'tthat desperate!

"James? Jesus, man, if you're hung up on him, forget it, he's taken – Lilly, rememb-er … That leaves me."

"Yeah."

"You're admitting you like me?"

"No! I never even said he was in our year! He might not even be in this school! I might have met him in the holidays!"

Sirius shut up for a while and they sat still. Sirius suddenly realised that Remus' fingers were running up and down his arm while he stared absently into space. He looked at Remus' neck. 'OK, go for sexy …'

He slowly leaned in and kissed Remus' neck. Remus jumped away and looked down at Sirius, whose head was now nestled in the crook of his arm. Those eyes. How could he refuse those eyes?

Sirius sat up again and slowly moved forwards to kiss Remus. Suddenly, Remus scrambled to his feet. "Sirius, it is not you! You're my friend, OK? That's it! Actually, he's in Hufflepuff."

With that horrendous lie, he scurried to the door and went downstairs.

---------

Hot lips. Cool fingers. Sweet taste.

Remus groaned softly, rolling over in his sleep. Inside his head, a certain black haired, blue eyed person was giving him a really, really good blow-job. Suddenly, he woke with a moan he was sure would have woken everyone in the dorm. He always woke up just short of where he wanted to go. But he knew his brain stumbled over that, and he couldn't imagine the pleasure it would bring to have Sirius really touch him like that …

What he really needed was a cold shower, or the sight of something really disgusting. Desperately trying to fight the urge to go in the bathroom and turn on the shower freezing cold to calm himself he thought, 'Snape and a sheep, Snape and James and a sheep – urgh! – Snape and Dumbledore and James and a sheep! Oh, that is just so wrong!'

It wasn't working. Slowly, he slid out of bed, grabbed his wand and padded towards the bathroom for a cold shower. If he put a silencing charm up, no one would know …

Sirius sat up just as he reached the door. "Bad dream?"

He just knew the other boy was grinning. He had been woken by Remus' groan. "Yeah. I need a shower. Go back to sleep."

"Why?"

"Because it'll calm me down. Go back to sleep!"

"I can't now."

"Sirius, it's … what time is it?"

Sirius looked down at the luminous digits on his digital watch - his birthday present from Remus. "Nearly three."

"Sirius, it's nearly three in the morning. Go back to sleep!"

Remus went in the bathroom and locked the door. He could hear Sirius moving around outside and hoped he wasn't planning on tricking him. He cast a quick silencing charm and dived into the nearest shower and turned in on freezing cold. He yelped as the icy water hit him, but it certainly calmed him down. Having a good wank helped too ...

Once he had got out of the shower, Goosebumps popping all over his skin, he went back to bed and tried to get some sleep. Sirius was back in his bed, and Remus hoped he was asleep, not just waiting for some joke or other to go off around Remus' ears. But he couldn't sleep, first for worrying that the dream would come back and he would wake everyone up (and be extremely embarrassed), and second because he was freezing cold and couldn't get warm. Eventually, as Peter's alarm clock rang seven, he got out of bed and dressed, going down to the common room before any of the others had even rubbed the sleep from their eyes.

(The next night.)

Sirius looked across at Remus, who was lying facedown on his bed. He knew his friend was awake, because he was sobbing, very quietly. It had been about two months since Remus had told Sirius he was gay. Apparently he had told James and Peter, too, because they had both been trying to guess which student Remus liked.

Whoever it was, Sirius was insanely jealous. He knew all too well that werewolves mated for life. And he wanted so much to be Remus' mate. He was fairly certain that his parents would kill him just for being gay – let alone with a werewolf, for eternity. However, he had realised quite a long while ago how he felt about Remus, and he knew by now that his feelings weren't just going to go away. They would be there forever.

Finally, he got up and walked over to Remus bed and sat on the side of his bed. Remus hissed, "Get lost!"

Sirius ignored him. "Remus, can I ask something?"

"What?"

"Will you go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?"

"I always go with you and James and – "

"No, Remus, I meant … will you go with just me?"

"What?"

Remus sat up, his face still streaked with tears. "Will you go with me on a date to Hogsmeade next weekend, please?"

Remus blinked at him. Sirius continued, "I know you're not exactly in a good mood right now, and it isn't the right moment, but … I've liked you for ages and I – I had to ask you. And I know you like someone else; I won't mind if you say no …"

He reached over and brushed a tear off Remus' face. "I can't stand hearing you cry. Was it a bad dream?"

"No. I just – I was thinking … I'll go with you."

"Really?" Sirius asked, surprised, looking straight into Remus' eyes. Remus nodded, then grabbed Sirius' hand, stroking the palm with his thumb. "Look, I lied to you when … when I said he was in Hufflepuff. Actually, I just lied to you period."

Sirius shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Really, Remus, it doesn't."

"It does. I shouldn't have told you any of that. Sirius …" Remus tailed off, shutting his eyes again. A tear escaped from his lashes and ran slowly down his pale cheek. "Remus?"

"I love you."

Sirius froze, unsure whether he had heard right, unsure whether he had heard what he wanted to hear or not. "Wh-what?"

"I love you, Sirius," Remus repeated. He still hadn't opened his eyes. To tell the truth, he was afraid to. He didn't want to know what Sirius was thinking, and he could read Sirius' expression like a book. "I shouldn't've told you that you were only my friend and that it wasn't you … because it is. I love you."

Sirius stayed silent for a long time, his breathing heavy. Remus' thoughts raced. 'Oh, God, why did I say that, why the hell did I tell him that, why didn't I just keep quiet, oh Jesus Christ – I could have told him on Saturday or something, why did I say that now, ah holy crap, why didn't I keep my fucking mouth shut, he's going to say he doesn't feel the same, why did I say that, why, you stupid, stupid, stupid werewolf, why did you have to open your mouth!?'

Finally, when Sirius spoke, Remus' heart leapt, then sank as he remembered the curse of being a werewolf.

"I'll always love you, Remus. I always have."

More tears ran down Remus' face. After a second, Sirius bent and kissed them off Remus' cheeks. "Don't cry. Please, I hate it when you're upset. Why're you upset?"

"I don't want you to love me …"

"What? But you said you – "

"I don't want you to be trapped with me!" Remus told him in a heated whisper, opening his eyes again. "I don't want you to be with me because you'll be in danger! I love you too much for that."

"Remus, I won't be in danger – I'm an animagus, so not even the wolf can hurt me. And being trapped with you has a certain appeal to me."

"I could rip your throat out!" Remus half-sobbed. Tears were welling in his eyes again. 'Oh, Sirius, why don't you listen? Why don't you believe me when I tell you I could hurt you? Why do you love me, I'm a werewolf, something to be hated, something to fear, why do you care for me?'

"You wouldn't. I know you wouldn't. Not the way you act when I'm around you in wolf form. At least towards me James and Peter, you're really friendly. You only ever play-fight – and in play fights, sometimes people get hurt, before you mention anything like that. It isn't really painful, you know, and it's hardly going to kill me."

"Yeah, but – "

"Remus, I'm not taking no for an answer. You're stuck with me. I'm stopping right here."

"Sirius!" Remus protested as he lay down next to him, pulling the covers over himself and snuggling close. "What'll James and Peter think!?"

"They won't think anything. I'll just say I had a bad dream and came over here for a cuddle. And I fell asleep."

"Sirius – "

"Shut it. Come here," Sirius ordered, sliding an arm around Remus waist and pulling him intimately near. Despite his better judgement, Remus complied, burying his head in Sirius' chest and listening for his heartbeat. Sirius put his other arm around Remus' waist and cuddled him, murmuring softly to him until they both fell asleep.