Sorry it's depressing. It does get better. I swear it does. I upset myself writing the end half of this. BTW: OotP spoilers about Snape.
Chapter 16 – Sins of the Moon
Sirius walked into the room and looked at Remus. His eyes were hollow, his skin pallid, his expression unreadable. Lilly and James could almost see the clouds of distress and anger radiating off him. They were fussing around him; he barely noticed. He walked to the bedside, his eyes glazed over. James hissed to Lilly, "He looks like he's been in Azkaban …"
However, nothing penetrated his shell of depression until – "You should be in bed, sleeping …"
He growled, rounding on Lilly like a wounded dog trying to bite its master as she tried to help. "Go away and leave me alone!"
His eyes were bloodshot, glowing with hate. James backed away, pulling Lilly with him. They closed the door softly behind them and Sirius turned back to Remus, his eyes softening. Alone again. No, not quite alone. Not yet. Remus was still clinging to life – barely. He had to remember that.
After a few minutes, a healer came in. "Mr Black, you should be resting."
Sirius growled again, his eyes blazing. "Don't say that. Don't tell me that."
The healer walked over and took his shoulder. "Mr Black, you should look to the future. There have been cases where werewolves have died and … their mates have gone on – found others … And Remus' chances are less than fair at best –"
Something in Sirius snapped. Glaring at the healer he stood so fast that the chair fell over. He released Sirius' shoulder, his face flinching; he'd made a mistake. A big mistake. He realised that now. Sirius stared at him. "Don't you say that. Don't you EVER imply that I could carry on without my mate."
The healer's lip curled. "You may as well give some of your fans a chance – great Quidditch player like you has to have admirers … and he probably IS going to die –"
Sirius' fist collided so hard with the healer's face that he spun around, his mouth filling with blood as his teeth slammed down on his tongue. Sirius was shaking with rage. "I told you not to say he was – he's not … he'll be fine. Now get out!"
The healer glared, spitting blood out of his mouth. "He's going to die! Get that into your thick skull, stupid!" He spat again, wiping blood from his lips on his white coat. "Thick half-breed deserves it if you ask me!"
Sirius froze, his eyes full of cold blue fire.
"What did you just call Remus?" Sirius asked, his words acid. The healer sneered, casting a look of hate at Remus. "He's a filthy half-breed with no common sense or will-power!"
Sirius gave him a venomous look. "Get out. Get out before I commit a murder. NOW!" Sirius roared. The healer jumped and took several steps back. Sirius followed him.
"Don't make me hit you again," he hissed. "Don't insult Remus – ever. In front of me or not. I will find out and if I do, I will make sure you suffer. Be assured of that."
The healer swallowed. "Don't presume to dictate to me what I will and will not think!"
"I can't influence your brain patterns, but I can tell you to keep them to yourself, you piece of filth. You're not worth the effort. Now go, before I decide you are."
The healer's lip curled. "You know, dangerous half-breeds like him should be locked away – kept behind bars or on chains."
Sirius leapt at the healer, wrestling him to the ground. Lilly and James, hearing the healer's cries for help, rushed in as he managed to get to his feet and kick Sirius in the ribs. James launched himself at the healer and pinned him to the wall. Lilly knelt beside Sirius. "Are you all right?"
Sirius nodded. When she asked what happened, he grated, "He called Remus a – a half-breed."
Lilly gasped. It was one of the worst forms of verbal abuse a werewolf could be insulted with. She walked up to the healer and slapped him across the face. "Go. Don't ever come in here again."
"He beat me up!"
"You insulted his mate."
"That's no reason to –"
Sirius cut in. "And told me to wait till he was gone then run off with some fan or other."
Lilly slapped the healer again. James snarled, "Get out of here before I decide to beat you up, too!"
The healer fled. Sirius limped back over to the bedside and sat down, curling his fingers around Remus' cold, limp hand. The healer hadn't just lain quiet while he had been beaten; he had got in more than a few jabs and kicks of his own. Sirius had a rapidly purpling bruise under one eye, but that was the extent of the visible damage. Under his clothes were many more bruises, all of which were already sore, which he would only discover properly when he went to have a shower.
Lilly walked over and pulled a chair over beside Sirius, sitting down and putting an arm around his shoulders. "You OK?"
Sirius nodded silently. The fire had died from his eyes and he looked tired, hungry and ill once again. James squeezed his shoulder and Sirius looked up at him. "He'll be OK, Sirius, keep telling yourself that. And don't let people like that git get you down. He's no one – Remus is going to fine, OK?"
Sirius nodded. James' words sounded empty, just something to say, meant to make him feel better, with no feeling but pity behind them. Sirius swallowed hard and tried not to cry.
One week later
Sirius couldn't take much more of this. The healers kept flitting in and out of the room, and he had been barred from seeing Remus for a while, while they ran some more tests, more dangerous than the last round. They were ascertaining what would happen at the full moon the next night. He paced as though a caged beast; he was a time bomb, ticking down the seconds until his temper snapped, liable to go off at the slightest provocation.
He took another long pull on the cigarette between his shaking fingers. Since that argument with Remus three weeks ago he had gone back to smoking. Within that fairly short space of time he had gone back to being a regular twenty-a-day smoker. He was already regretting it, but lacked the willpower to give it up again. He reached out and ground the butt into the ashtray. Smoking wasn't actually allowed in the hospital, but most of the healers were scared to go near him in case they were yelled at.
Someone tapped his shoulder. Sirius whirled around. It was Snape. He spat out a mouthful of abuse at the wizard, finishing by yelling that he didn't need Snape's sympathy and neither did Remus. Snape took it all calmly, not batting an eyelid. Sirius finished his rant and slumped back in a chair, panting. He pulled out a packet of cigarettes and started to light one up. Snape blinked. "The recovery not going too well?"
Sirius burst into tears, burying his head in his hands, dropping the cigarette onto the floor. Snape stepped back as though Sirius had turned into some kind of disgusting creature, then he sat down beside him and gingerly patted him on the back. He sobbed, "They won't let me see him …"
Though he hated Sirius, even Snape recognised that Sirius desperate to be near his mate. He tried to calm the animagus down. "Maybe it's for the best …"
"You don't under – understand. I need to be near him. If I'm not … it hurts …" Sirius said, the last two words so quiet that Snape had to strain to hear. He tried to make soothing noises, although he could barely believe that he was trying to comfort one of his archenemies. Eventually, Sirius calmed down and looked up at Snape. "Thank you," he whispered. Snape frowned, so he explained, "For being here with me. I don't – I don't like being alone. I'm used to … having someone near to me … you know, knowing there's someone there …"
Snape nodded, although he had never known what that was like. He preferred his own company anyway. Sirius swallowed hard and asked, "What are you here for?"
"Isn't it allowed for me to come see the injured?"
"I thought you hated us."
"I don't wish death on you."
"No? Look, Snape – Severus – I know we've … not exactly got on … but, I do want to thank you for … risking your life to help the Order … to help James … I know that must be hard, helping the one person you hate."
"It is, but like I said, I don't want anyone dead. Not even you, Black, and I can't stand you. And out of all of you, Lupin was the most civil to me. How is he?"
"They're running tests. That's why I can't … be with him. Don't look at me like that, I've done crying all over you."
Snape smiled thinly. "You know, I heard it's good to let emotions out."
"Do you ever let yours out for an airing, Snape?" Sirius asked, allowing a smile to flicker across his lips. When he shook his head, giving him a look that said quite plainly 'don't start', Sirius smiled properly. "Why don't you?"
"What, now?" Snape asked, sounding panicky. His expression was one of pure disbelief.
Sirius shrugged. "Look, there's probably things you wouldn't want even your best friends to know – so why not tell an enemy. I swear on Remus' life I won't tell anyone unless you want me to, and if I do tell someone you can have lots of fun thinking up ways to punish me. Go ahead, I may as well have your problems as well as my own and Remus', right?"
Snape seemed undecided for a moment; then he started to talk. He told Sirius about how his father and mother had always argued, and how he had been beaten. How he had dreaded the summer. How he had never done well enough for them. He went on and on, talking about pranks the Marauders had played on him that Sirius had forgotten, but still hurt Snape. He continued talking until his emotions wouldn't allow him to speak.
On impulse, Sirius reached out and pulled his nemesis into a hug. He rocked Snape back and forth, his eyes shut, soothing the man until he was calm. Sirius, however, still had tears running down his face. He still hated Snape, but he knew that he shouldn't have hurt him like that. They were tears of guilt. He whispered, "I'm sorry."
Snape pulled back, ready with a sharp retort. Then he saw Sirius' eyes. He whispered, "Maybe if I'd told you that at any other time I would have been joking, but not now."
Snape nodded. He knew Sirius meant it – this time. "I know. Tell me when Remus gets better."
It was Sirius' turn to nod. Snape stood and walked to the door. On the threshold, he turned and smiled in thanks at the animagus. Sirius smiled back and the man left, his robes whipping around the corner.
Next evening
Sirius glared at the healers. "You said he won't wake up this full moon, so why can't I stay with him?"
"Well … the wolf might wake up …" one of the nurses said, trying to placate him. It wasn't working very well. Sirius growled, his fists clenching into balls. James grabbed his arm. "Look, miss, maybe you'd better let him do what he wants. After all, the wolf will consider him its mate too, so maybe it'll give him chance to get out before it attacks …"
"People have died doing that, Mr Potter!" she shouted, slightly hysterical. "We don't want anyone to be hurt."
"Yes, I realise that, but maybe … maybe you should just let Sirius do what he wants. He gets very upset … you know how he is …"
"No, I don't. I wasn't foolish enough to let my husband or mate or whatever get hooked on drugs and then run off while he tried to commit suicide, did I?" she replied heatedly, turning to glare at Sirius. However, he was gone. She cried, "Oh, where's he gone!"
Sirius shut the door quietly behind him and locked it with the key before slipping it into his pocket. He put up a locking charm and then pushed one of the bedside cabinets against the door. Then he sat down on the bedside and watched the clock. He could hear people shouting and screaming from outside, but they were distant. He was listening to the seconds easing by and to the heartbeat of his mate.
Finally, midnight came. He heard Big Ben strike, every stroke sending a fresh pang of guilt through him. If he had just noticed Remus' condition, he wouldn't be listening to those twelve strokes.
Remus twitched suddenly. Sirius heard bones snap and crackle as they popped into different positions, saw fur grow over Remus' still form, smelt the blood that managed to spurt from his skin until it fused back together, felt the pain of this silent transformation as if it was his own. It was the first time he had ever felt that horrendous, burning, aching pain that Remus had endured since he was four years old.
By the end of the transformation he was on his knees. He swallowed hard and stood, walking over to the bed. The wolf was as unconscious as Remus' human form had been. He slowly reached out and stroked the soft fur on his head. "Moony …"
The wolf didn't stir. He tangled his fingers into Moony's fur, burying his face in the silvery-grey fur of his neck and breathing deeply to smell his comforting scent. It was nowhere near as strong as when he was in dog-form, but he had always wanted to be able to touch Moony with his human hands, smell him with his human nose, see him with his human eyes. He just wished that it didn't have to be in these circumstances.
He noticed for the first time that his fur was tinged faintly brown, almost like the opposite of his hair. Whereas his hair was mainly brown, but tainted with grey, his fur was mainly brilliant silver but tinged with amber.
He lay down on the bed beside the wolf's still, silent form and locked his arms around the canine. He didn't care how dangerous this was; he needed to feel the small spark of warmth still in Moony's body.
Suddenly, he thought of the energy the wolf normally had, its playfulness and rough power, the way Moony moved, howled, barked. He started to cry quietly, thinking he may never hear the wolf that owned his heart howl again.
Sirius opened his eyes. It was morning. People were still hammering on the door. Remus was lying in his arms. He had barely moved from the position he had been in last night, before the change. Sirius started to cry again, tangling his fingers in Remus' hair and nuzzling into his neck. He hugged his mate tightly and whispered, "I'm so, so sorry, Remus. I am so sorry …"
He kissed Remus on the cheek and sat up, running his fingers through his hair. He had been incredibly stupid the night before, defying the healers' orders. He would be lucky if he was allowed to stay with Remus now. Still, he had promised Remus he would always be there for him when he was in pain, and he had been. At least now he knew at least a little of the pain Remus endured each full moon.
He shuddered as he thought of it. 'It must be so hard for him', he thought sullenly, 'Going through that hell every month.'
He stroked Remus' cheek with his thumb and murmured, "You're very brave."
Suddenly, the healers broke his locking charm and tried to push the door open. The cabinet fell over with a crash. James and a couple of healers eased in, Lilly bringing up the rear. James walked over. "Did he change?"
"He changed all right. He just never moved, never made a sound – he didn't even open his eyes, James," Sirius replied. James steadied his now swaying friend. Saying it out loud had suddenly made everything seem so much more real, more clear-cut, more terrible. The healers were fussing around Remus again; Sirius watched them for a moment, wondering if his mate would ever wake up. A silent tear rolled down his cheek. Lilly's voice broke through his thoughts. "Sirius, his mother's here."
Sirius brushed away his tear and went into the waiting room. Mrs Lupin gave him a glare. She asked the same question as James had, though with much more frostiness. Sirius just nodded, knowing she hated him. "How is he?"
"He's … unconscious. All the time. They … they got the drugs out of his bloodstream – well, most of them. They said they'll all be gone by next week."
"Well, that's wonderful, isn't it? And what then? What if he's comatose for the rest of his life, Mr Black?"
"Look, I'm sorry – "
"How could you do this to my son!?"
"I didn't do anything – "
"Exactly! You didn't even notice he was dying! You don't deserve him, Sirius Black! He deserves better than you!"
Sirius looked away. "I'm sorry. I know he deserves better. Would you be happier if I just went and jumped off the Tower of London? Because I'll go do that if it makes you feel better. Tell me what I can do to make you feel better. Please, just tell me what I can do to get through to you! I. Am. Sorry! I didn't mean for this to happen! I'll never be able to forgive myself for what I didn't see, and what I could have stopped!"
Mrs Lupin turned and walked to the door. She looked over his shoulder and called back, "I will never forgive you if you commit suicide, Sirius. My son loves you, God only knows why, and it would destroy him if he woke up and you were dead. If he ever does wake up."
Then she was gone. Sirius slumped down in a chair and held his head in his hands. "This isn't fair. It's not my fault …"
James sat down. "No, Sirius, it's not."
"Hang on … it is my fault! If I hadn't hit him … Gods, James, it's my fault he's like this!" Sirius said, sounding frantic. James grabbed his shoulders. "Sirius, it's not – "
"Shut up James, it is my fault Remus is lying in there. One, it was my fault he turned to the stupid drugs anyway. Two, it's my fault I didn't notice. Three, I accused him of being unfaithful when I knew that was a total lie and left him alone in the house so he could kill himself!"
"Sirius – " James began. However, Lilly cut across him, grabbing Sirius' chin and forcing him to face her.
"Sirius, it's my fault. I was the one who suggested there was someone else … if I hadn't you wouldn't have confronted him and … and he'd still be here …" she said, suddenly bursting into tears. James pulled her onto his knee and cuddled her close, shushing her. Sirius shook his head and walked over to the door to Remus' room. The healers would be finished in a minute and he could go and be with his mate again. He looked back at James and Lilly. Why could he and Remus be like that? Why did it have to be them that had the complicated relationship? And why did he have to be such an idiot? Remus' mother was right. It was his fault his mate was half-dead. Guilt set in as he sat down beside Remus' bed two minutes later. He laid his head down on Remus' pillow and cried.
(A/N: One – I was NICE to SNAPE! And I made myself feel sorry for the bloody man! Sorry, I just really don't like him and I just made Sirius be sorry for him. Yak! Sorry, I have an aversion to Snape. But I honestly think that if Sirius was in a state like this he probably would start to feel sorry for Snape if he heard the pranks from his point of view. I mean, he still hates him, but he feels sorry for him too … Two – I don't know where the thing about the full moon came from. I wrote it way after I finished this bit, so there you go. Next chapter will be better and HAPPIER!)
