Chapter 17 – Healing

Sirius' POV

I knew he was worse than dead. I couldn't even feel his emotions, or his pain. Normally, I could have felt them as though my own, but now he was lying almost lifeless on the bed it felt as though he was gone forever. I don't know when I've felt more alone. I wanted to go home. Not back to the house I would have to go back to whatever happened, but home to Remus, wherever he was. Whether he was in death or life, sickness or health, madness or sanity, he was still my mate and I would follow him through anything. I would die to let him live. But it wouldn't help, me dropping dead.

I couldn't touch him. I didn't dare. He was ice-cold – not the cold his hands normally were (his hands were always cold; sometimes so cold I worried about him) but the cold of the dead. I could feel tears welling up inside, but I'd cried enough in front of James. He'd had to put up with me sobbing all over him since Remus went into this coma, and that had been over a month ago. So I locked my tears inside, along with all my other emotions. The only ones I allowed to surface were worry and empathy. Worry for Remus, and Remus alone. Empathy was for Mrs Lupin, James and Lilly.

The healers had stopped trying to cheer me up. It only annoyed me further to have a lot of young nurses flapping around me, asking if I was OK, if I wanted anything, telling me I needed sleep. James and Lilly had stopped trying to talk to me. James brought me food when I looked like I cared enough about my own life to eat it – which was often only once a day, if they were lucky. Lilly checked up on me every so often, bringing me drinks. Mrs Lupin didn't speak. I knew she blamed be. I knew she though I'd led him to this. I know she hated me for not looking after her son, but I also knew that she understood my silence – and my silent apologies given to her through my eyes across the bed. She smiled at me once. Though it was thin and watery, barely a smile at all, it was the acknowledgement that she had forgiven me.

But I still couldn't forgive myself.

Why hadn't I noticed? Why hadn't I seen Remus' condition? He was supposed to be my mate – the only person would ever love, and what had I done? I had been so ignorant that he was lying half-dead on a hospital bed, without much chance of recovery.

At least they had stopped siphoning drugs from his blood and given him the replenishing potion.

I suddenly sobbed, not caring that James was sat across from me any more. I folded my arms on the bed in front of me, sliding my chair back with a horrible screech, and lay my head down on my arms. I cried silently, the only sound I made was my harsh breathing.

James got up and went out, after touching my shoulder in a gesture that told me he was still with me, still understanding, still there for me to talk to. I knew why had had gone: he had no words of comfort left to speak, nothing more to say. Repeating himself wouldn't help me. He knew me too well for that. He had seen enough of my grievances beforehand to know that. He had once tried to pick me up off the metaphorical ground after some girl – whom I had adored at the time – had dumped me. I had just got annoyed with him and I had nearly taken his head off when he kept repeating the same piece of advice that I felt I simply couldn't take.

I don't know how long I stayed like that. I felt the bedcovers move and assumed it was one of the healers come to tuck Remus up more and I had been crying so hard I hadn't noticed them come in. Then I felt a cold, cold hand brush my arm. Only one person in this damned place was that cold. I sat up so fast I fell off the edge of my chair. On my knees, seriously damaging my favourite jeans, I crawled to the edge of the bed.

Remus was waking up.

3rd Person

Sirius grabbed Remus' hand, almost hard enough to bruise, silently willing the werewolf to wake up. Remus' eyes flickered open. His gaze flickered over the room, finally resting on Sirius' face. "R-Remus?"

Remus shut his eyes again. What had he done? He could see the pain in Sirius' eyes, the worry and exhaustion. All because of him. He swallowed hard and opened his eyes again. He said quietly, "I'm so sorry …"

Sirius shook his head. "No, don't be. I'm the one who should be sorry. I shouldn't have accused you like that. And I should have noticed how ill you were way before then …"

Remus looked away. Sirius scrambled up onto the edge of the bed and leant over his mate's body. He touched Remus' cheek. Remus looked back into his eyes. "You should have let me die."

Sirius went cold. He shook his head fiercely, leaning down until his nose was an inch from Remus'. He let go of his hand and buried the fingers of both hands in his hair. "No. Don't you ever say that. I will never let you die, Remus. I love you. You're my mate. You mean too much to me …"

Sirius' voice gave up and he shut his eyes, unable even to look at Remus without tears prickling his eyes. Remus reached out and touched Sirius' neck. His mate shivered, leaning down into Remus' waiting arms. Sirius muttered into his neck, "You're mine. All mine."

Remus smiled, holding him tighter. He apologised again. Sirius nuzzled closer. "I'm just glad you're all right. Please … don't ever scare me like this again …"

Remus nodded. Sirius pulled back far enough to look into Remus' amber eyes. "I love you."

The werewolf smiled, pushing himself up off his pillows to press their lips together in a deep but innocent kiss. Remus' arms found their way around Sirius' neck, pulling him closer. Sirius whimpered into his mate's mouth. He had missed this so much, missed Remus so much …

Finally they pulled back, panting. Remus whispered, "I love you too."

Sirius swallowed the tears threatening to well up in his eyes again. He pulled the chair back over to the bedside and took Remus' hand. Remus watched him, looking at the dark shadows under his eyes and the way his bones were more pronounced and his clothes looser. "You look awful."

"So do you."

Remus grinned. Suddenly, Lilly came in holding a tray with a glass of orange juice and biscuits on it. Both their heads turned and two pairs of eyes looked at her, more in surprise than the dull-eyed sorrow or anger that one set had been giving her for the past age.

The plate and glass smashed on the floor as her fingers loosened so much she dropped the tray with a clang. Remus winced and Sirius scrambled forwards to help Lilly pick up the pieces. James scurried to the door behind her, hearing the noise, and saw Remus. "Moony! You're awake!"

Remus smiled. "Maybe I should have stayed asleep."

Sirius growled, ordering, /Don't you dare say that, Remus Lupin. You're not going to scare me like that again, right?/

/I promise not to, love./

Sirius smiled to the floor, but Remus felt the happiness through their connection. He grinned too. Once the broken glass and pottery was picked up, Lilly went to get a cloth to wipe up the mess. James stepped over it and walked to the bedside. "How d'you feel?"

Remus shrugged. "I feel … OK, I suppose. I feel like I did before I – before."

Sirius sat down on his chair and brushed Remus' cheek with the backs of his fingers, telling him, /It's all right. It's over now. You're OK./

James smiled sympathetically. "The healers said you wouldn't get cravings or anything …"

Remus smiled weakly. He looked from Sirius to James and back again, watching the fright for his life lift from their faces. He sighed. Sirius touched him again, his eyes concerned. He shook his head, telling his mate without words that he was fine. Sirius nodded in response, though he still looked worried. Remus blurted out, "I'm really sorry I've put you all through this …"

James sat down next to him. "Moony, we're your friends. We'll always go through anything with you – even if it is hell seeing Sirius like he was. He looked like he'd been to Azkaban for twenty years! And he'd have had to go in when he was less'n a year old, even if it was his birthday last week – "

"I missed your birthday?" Remus asked as he turned quickly to look at Sirius. He smiled ruefully. "Doesn't matter. I was worried about you."

"Worried doesn't tell you the half of it. He wouldn't leave your side even to eat in the end. We had to bring him food, and even then he only picked at it. Sirius, don't glare like that; Remus has a right to know. You know he went home to sleep one night and came back looking worse?"

Remus was about to snap at Sirius for being such a complete idiot, but Sirius cut in, "I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about you – everything back home reminds me of you, and I kept thinking … how I found you … how you were lying on the bed … God, I was so scared you were going to die …"

Remus reached out and touched his hand. "I'm not going to die, love."

Sirius smiled, taking a shaky breath. "I know. I was just so scared. You looked like death warmed up. And when I say 'warmed up', I mean just above freezing …"

Remus reached up to brush a tear from the corner of Sirius' eye. "Don't cry. I'm all right."

Sirius sniffed and nodded. A few moments later, Lilly came back trailing a healer. It was Patel. He checked Remus over and then shooed Lilly and James out, closing the door behind them. He turned to Sirius and Remus. "Mr Lupin, you are going to be just fine. We will keep you in here for another week or two and then I'm sure you'll be fit to go home."

He turned and left them. Remus turned and grinned at Sirius. Sirius leant over and kissed him gently. "I'm glad you're OK."

"I'm glad too. I wish – I wish I'd told you. I wanted to, but I thought …I thought you'd hate me, Siri …"

"I'll never hate you! I was just worried about you. It's Lilly's fault I got angry with you; she's the one who thought you were … with someone else …"

"Sirius, I love you and only you. You know that."

"Will you tell me what happened? Can you?" Sirius asked tentatively. Remus took a deep breath and nodded. He sighed, looking down at the bedcovers. Sirius squeezed his hand. Remus looked over into Sirius' eyes. Slowly, haltingly, he told Sirius.

By the end, he was crying. Sirius pulled him into a hug, his own eyes filling with tears. Remus sobbed, "I can't believe you're still here …"

"I'll always be here. Right here."


(A/N: I hated writing all that depressing stuff. Know that. That's the end of the whole drug-abuse stuff, I think. It's not going to make a return. And I'm sorry it's short and horrible and sloppy at the end. I had writers block and I had to force myself to write this, so that's why it's so awful … Anyways, updates will be quite freqent now. I've nearly finished the whole fic, but I'm not poting everything at once.
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