A/N: Longest. Chapter. EVER.

---

As Yami smiled smugly to himself and walked forward, closely followed by Joey and Mokuba, no one happened to notice the particularly evil/ominous/plot-point-related grin Malik and Bakura shared, each nodding to something that had been arranged in the past.

~Flashback~

"So, Bakura, help me gain the power of the Pharaoh and you can have the Rod!" Malik said, pacing the Evil Lair of Doom, a.k.a. Bakura's closet sized basement.
Bakura winced as his left hand was stepped on for the ninth time. "No. I want more."
"What the hell do you want now?"
Bakura sighed wistfully, standing up (and making Malik fall down in the process). "I want to go to Broadway!"
A horde of spotlights appeared from nowhere and shone on Bakura, as music began to play and he readied himself to sing.
"Oh no you don't!" Malik hissed, "There's not enough space here to stand, let alone flail your arms about and sing!"
"Don't look at me, it was the narrator's idea."
Malik then shrugged and sent the narrator to the shadow realm.
Bakura sighed, watching the narrator scream in eternal pain. "You know, we're only allowed thirty narrators."
"Which one are we on?"
"Ninth."
"We'll be fine."
"Sure we will." Bakura sighed and sat down, nearly crushing Malik in the process. "So how do you intend to get his power this time?"
Silence.
"Malik?"
More silence.
"Malik, where the hell are you?"
A weak moan of pain came from beneath Bakura. Getting up to see what it was, he winced.
"Damned... Tomb... Robber..." Malik wheezed, holding his chest like a dying man, "Check... before... you sit... next time!"

~End Flashback~

After that, Bakura had apologised and they'd done some evil planning. But that's not relevant to the plot right now.

-At KaibaCorp-

Saseko grinned ferally, still stroking Seto's hair. "Gentlemen, how is the plan unfolding?"
Brenda and Sakura gave each other a look. "What plan?"
"The secret plan that we can't reveal until the climax of the plot."
"Ohhh. THAT plan." Brenda nodded.
"Everything's going perfectly." Sakura agreed.

-Back on the road-

Yami sighed, stopping in his tracks. "This is hopeless!" He growled, "We'll never get anywhere at this rate! We have to do something!"
Malik (who had caught up) raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"
"Uh... something drastic! Something that they'll never expect!"
"They?"

-Later-

Malik stared at Yami in disbelief. "A train?"
"What?" Yami asked innocently, picking up a complimentary magazine, "There weren't many options?"
"Well why couldn't we just STEAL a train?!"
Bakura gave Malik a questioning look. "Malik, who the hell would be stupid enough to steal a train?"
Suddenly, the train stopped and the lights went off.
"Hello passengers!" A voice said, "This is the revolutionary team X-Abba! We have taken control of your train!"
"I'd say they would..." Yami muttered in an amused tone.
"You jinxed it, Bakura! You SO jinxed it!" Malik hissed, beating Bakura over the head with the Millennium Rod.
Yami snickered as Malik continued to beat the shit out of the ex-Tomb Raider.
"ROBBER! I'M NOT GODDAMN LARA CROFT!" Bakura yelled at the narrator (who, like many others, had somehow died and was instantly replaced).
"QUIET, BITCH!" Malik yelled back, giving him a sharp blow to the back of the head.
Needless to say, he crumpled to the floor (Bakura, not Malik).
For some unknown reason, no one else in the train noticed this, including X-Abba. Maybe because the former were too busy wetting themselves and the latter too busy laughing dramatically.
"Now..." The voice said, "I have one request of the people of this train!"
Everyone stopped what they were doing and hurried somewhere safe (even to the occupied toilets).
"I must duel the Pharaoh!"
There was a collective gasp.
"You're telling us that this is all because of a CARD GAME?!" A rather annoying man yelled.
"SILENCE!" The voice yelled and a slab of stone fell on the said man.
Yami leaned over to see. "Hey, Beaver Warrior..."
"Ahem!" The voice continued, "If I do not get my duel with the Pharaoh within the next five hours, I'll derail the train into the Giant Ominous Seemingly Unused Stone/Concrete Evil Lair!"
There was a long silence.
"... GOSUS/CEL for short. Now, it is currently 1 pm. Pharaoh, you have until 6:00! And yes, we shall be heading for GOSUS/CEL during that time."
The message seemed to be over, though some serious debating could be heard in the background.
"Oh, fine!" The first person grumbled, and returned to the microphone. "The Rocky Horror Picture Show will be playing while you wait."
"Wait for their doom?" Someone in the background asked.
"Shut up, Adrian!"

-About half an hour later-

"You just intend to let us all die?" Malik asked with slight amusement in his voice.
Yami tore his eyes away from the TV to look at him. "No. I just really love this movie." He then resumed singing along to 'Time Warp'.
"Freak."

-Later still-

Nothing much had happened while the movie played, although Bakura had came to during 'Sweet Transvestite' and had promptly passed out again after a look at the screen. That had, of course, make Malik laugh uncontrollably and gain a particularly evil glare from Yami.
The only other thing resulting from the screening was that when Bakura woke for the second time (during a scene that disturbed him far less than the previous one, as it had death and blood, which really shouldn't disturb him at all), he and Malik schemed to get Yami dead drunk and dress him up as the 'weird doctor guy'. Neither chose to mention that they had once dressed like that, though under far different circumstances.
"What time is it?" Malik asked, bored.
Bakura looked at the clock. "Long stick past tiny stick pointing at space after strange symbol."
"You could have just said 4:30."
"I know, but there's hardly anything to do on this damned train."
Malik scowled. "If we had've taken my idea and steal the train, we'd be off by now."
"Shut up."

-At six o'clock-

"Yami?" Bakura poked the sleeping ex-Pharaoh, "IT'S TIME TO D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!"
"DON'T GODDAMN DO THAT!" Yami shrieked, bashing Bakura over the head with the Millennium Puzzle, "You KNOW how I feel about my stutter!"
"Stutter?" Malik asked, poking into the conversation.
Bakura nodded. "He had a stutter way before the Battle City stuff. It was goddamn amusing, seeing this great 'alter ego' of Yugi stuttering while dueling."

~Flashback~

"I play C-C-C-C-C-Celtic G-Guardian!"

~End Flashback~

Yami frowned. "Where's Mokuba?" He quickly asked, changing the subject.
"Sleeping in the main carriage."
There was a long thinking silence.
"Isn't that where X-Abba happens to be?"
Bakura and Malik exchanged a look. "Uh... Joey's with him."
"Oh, shit."

-In the main carriage-

Joey and Mokuba were tied up, gagged with blue cheese.
"Saseko'd better be damned happy..." One of the X-Abba members muttered, smoking.
Yami, Malik and Bakura burst in.
"I will duel you!" Yami said with convincing courage. "Wait... you're those ringwraiths!"
"NO! X-Abba!" One of them stood up, unveiling himself. "My name is Adrian, I am the insect duelist of X-Abba!" He struck a pose.
Another laughed. "You're still a Weevil wannabe."
"I am not!"
One (the third?) sighed. "He's still pissed off he traded a Summoned Skull for Flying Kamakiri #1 and #2."
Everyone except the second burst into laughter.
"SUMMONED SKULL? FOR INSECTS?!" Yami cackled.
"JUST DUEL ALREADY, DAMNIT!"

-After the duel-

Adrian was aghast. "How... however did you beat him?"
The 'him' he was talking about was the one who had mentioned the trade earlier. He was shocked, too. "Yes. However did you do so?"
"... Do I really have to explain?" Yami asked, "Weren't you there?"
"No."
"Then where were you?"
'He' thought for a moment. "Uh... thinking about Pamela Anderson?"
"Dude, that line is so last year." Yami sighed.
"Just tell the story."
Yami sighed again. "You played A Really Shit Monster (0/infinite) in attack mode. I summoned Dark Magician, because Battle City rules blow George Bush, and attacked. You went down to 1500. You then used the Completely Goddamn Pointless ritual to summon Mauled Teletubby (10/0) and attacked. Needless to say, you suck and you lost."
"Screw you, hippie."

-Later, off the train-

Joey (who had finished throwing up after the blue cheese) was pondering. "You know what we need?"
"What?" Mokuba asked, looking up from his own pile of vomit.
"A Rod joke."
Malik's eye twitched, clenching the Rod in his right hand. "I REFUSE to allow such an obscenity!"
"Calm down, mate!" Bakura said, back in the goody-english-dude act.
"Oh stop it. Everyone knows you're Yami Bakura!" Malik hissed.
There was a silence.
"... We do?" Joey asked.
"Really?" Mokuba chimed in.
"I didn't know." Yami said honestly.
Malik was agape. "But... the narrator... all the hints..." Then, in a fit of frustration, he pulled Seto's gun from hammerspace and shot the narrator. A thud was heard (Narrator Count: 11/30).
"And THAT'S why you don't piss off the slightly insane Egyptian dude."
"Well put, Malik." Bakura said, "But you're not the only slightly insane Egyptian dude."
"You're TOTALLY insane and he's..." They looked at Yami, who had somehow became stone drunk in the five seconds he hadn't been mentioned, "... eugh."
"I'm offended! You don't understand the levels of insanity!"
Joey prodded Mokuba. "Is it just me, or do they bicker like a married couple?"
Malik overheard, and held up his and Bakura's right hands, each with a gold ring.
There was another moment of silence.
"Stop looking at me like that," Bakura growled, "I was dead drunk and we were in Vegas... what the hell were we doing there in the first place?"
"Uh... I don't exactly remember. I think... it had something to do with an SB&M convention... and we-"
Bakura stopped him short. "That's enough memory jogging for today."

-KaibaCorp-

"... You're joking." Saseko said, monotone.
The X-Abba team meeped.
"GUARDS!" She yelled, "Kill them!"
"Uh... your majesty?" Brenda asked.
"Yes?"
"You fired the guards."
"What?! When did that happen?"
Brenda shrugged. "I don't know, obviously during a time that the narrator was focused on the others."
"Goddamn narrator..." She muttered, and threw her dangerously sharp toothpick. Another thud (NC: 12/30).

-Back off the train-

As they walked to the exit of the train station, there was a sudden, plot involving bang. They turned, to see one of the X-Abbas whirl off his coat. "I am John! I shall avenge my brethren!" He then struck a pose that could get everyone highly sued by the creator of Pokemon.
"John, you meathead, you're not even related to him!" One of the others yelled.
"Who cares? We're X-Abba!"
"That sounds so gay..."
They all shuddered.
Anyway, back to the action. John then proceeded to reach into his unnecessarily tight jeans (ewewewewew) to pull out a Gameboy Advance SP. He then promptly pushed in a cartridge of Dark Duel Stories, and started playing.
There was about five or so minutes where the only sound was the game.
"AHA!" John yelled, jumping up. "I BEAT YOU!"
...
"The hell?!" Yami shrieked.
John showed him the game screen.
"But... THAT'S SO NOT ME! That's, like... gay-and-on-serious-crack-me!" He then got a very evil idea. "LOOK, IT'S MAI! IN A BIKINI!"
John, Mokuba, Adrian, Joey, and every other male in the train station turned to look, while Yami pulled out the cartridge and threw it to the train tracks. He then noticed a very disturbing thing. "... You... you're not looking."
Malik and Bakura exchanged a look. "We were supposed to...?"
Yami shivered. "I NEVER wish to speak of this again."
"Right."
And suddenly, time went back to normal and John looked back. Then at the empty GBA. Then at the train tracks. Then at the train that went past. "YOU LITTLE BITCH!" He screamed, and threw the GBA at the narrator in annoyance (NC: 13/30).

-Later, walking down the road-

"Good thing we got out of there..." Joey muttered. "Hey, a food shop! In the middle of nowhere!"
Yami stared. "Wow. How convenient."
So, being the hungry duelists they were, they went in and bought food.

-Later, eating in the food shop-

For some strange reason, it was an eat-in food shop. Though where else would you eat in the middle of nowhere?
"Joey," Yami asked, looking up from his BEWD jellypop, "What on earth are you eating?"
Joey swallowed some of whatever it was. "Lard."
"You are eating... lard."
"Yeah, well I'm hungry but I couldn't afford anything else."
Yami sighed and shook his head, and returned to the jellypop.
They sat eating, in silence, until Bakura's English Toffee ice-cream burst into flames. He shrugged at the stares everyone else in the shop gave him. "I was trying to burn it off."
"What, your face?!" Malik asked, poking at the ashes that now lay on the table.
"No, you dimwit. The fly that was on it."
Mokuba then returned with the drinks he had promised to get in the cut section, more specifically a tray of tea, putting cups out for them all.
"What's this?" Joey asked, peering at it.
Yami took a sip. "Elm tea! The gypsies swear by it."
Malik laughed. "I bet they do... I bet they say 'What the bloody hell is this?'"
Mokuba pouted and drank some of his. "We really should stop with all the food gags."
Yami nodded. "We need to plan. God knows what we've been doing all this damn time."
"Well, should we storm KaibaCorp?" Joey asked.
Malik groaned. "If you want to be kamikaze watermelons, go right ahead."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"It means that I can plot, plan, and generally start something better than you lot."
Joey growled. "Showoff."
"Oh, shut up. Bakura?" He turned to the Tomb Rai - there was a threatening growl from Bakura - Robber, who nodded.
"Saseko's holding a celebration of her and Seto's marriage tomorrow. We can sneak in then." Bakura explained.
Yami was suspicious. "... How do you know this?"
"It was either us telling you or that guy over in the corner... and I don't think he's wearing pants."
"Point taken."
The owner of the food shop came to their table. "Who'll take the bill?"
Yami sat up straighter. "Bill? Don't you know who I am?!"
"No. Well, I mean, you're obviously some sort of arsehole, aren't you?"
Joey spoke up. "He's Yugi M-"
"Joey, shut up, you're not as interesting as me."
"Fair enough." Joey shrugged and went back to his lard.
"Uh... haven't we already paid?" Mokuba asked.
"Yes, you have."
Bakura was slightly amused. "Then why the hell did you come here?"
"That gentleman with the blonde hair said I needed to be part of a gag."
Malik nodded. "And your part's over. Bugger off."
The man left. They resumed eating (and Bakura just gnawed on his skin).
Joey (who was sitting by the window) then sat up rigidly straight. "Listen, guys, I think there's something outside."
"Yeah, well, there's bound to be something outside, Joey. You can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be contained within the confines of a small food shop." Yami said between bites of the jellypop.
"You're very philosophical for this time of night, Yami." Mokuba complimented.
"Yeah, well I've just had a jellypop that I now realise contained something akin to half a bottle of Scotch, what do you expect?"
Joey groaned. "Just... look out the window! At that guy!"
"Which one?" Mokuba asked.
"The one jumping up and down, waving his arms."
Malik squinted at the scene. "The one that's on fire?"
"Nevermind that! He looks like one of Saseko's redecorators!"
"... Does that mean that we can finally stop this scarily long line-up of gags?" Bakura whispered to Malik.
"I goddamn hope so."
They went outside to see the burning transvestite redecorator, though none made a move to help him. They all knew that they had to see more of what Saseko's twisted mind could do-
"Actually, I think he just caught the fire from my ice-cream." And then that narrator died (NC: 14/30), for narrators are NEVER. PROVEN. WRONG.
They ran toward the fallen man when he... fell, of course.
"Is he dead?" Mokuba asked fearfully.
"Hah! Of course not!" Bakura laughed, "If he was dead, he wouldn't be so cold, and pale, and blue... and... his pulse..." He laughed nervously. "Crap, he's dead. Now how are we supposed to move the plot along?"
They pondered. It didn't matter that they were in the middle of the street; pondering has far higher importance than transport and they'd be fine (kids, don't try that at home).

-KaibaCorp-

"BRENDA!"
"Yeeees, Satan?" Brenda then turned around to see Yami Withersin. "Whoops, thought you were someone else."
"You don't talk to the Pharaoh's Queen like that!"
"... The Pharaoh didn't have a queen."
"Yes he did!"
"No, he didn't. Have you been into the morphine again?"
Withersin's eye twitched. "Nevermind that. The plot is, amazingly, moving along, and I need a dungeon."
"Right. May I ask why?"
She sighed. "Because they're obviously going to show at Saseko's marriage party. When they do, I need to throw them into the dungeon."
"But... we don't have a dungeon."
"That's why I need one."
"Oh. Well, how on earth can we build a dungeon in less than 24 hours?"
"That's for you to figure out." Withersin left.
Brenda stared after her. "... Bitch."

-Back with our 'heroes'-

Who were... hitchhiking.
"No, no! You have to keep your thumb straight!" Malik instructed.
Bakura growled. "No, slightly bent!"
"Straight!"
"Slightly bent!"
"Straight!"
"Slightly bent!"
"STRAIGHT!"
"SLIGHTLY BENT!"
"STRAIGHT TO THE POWER OF ZORA THE MANT!"
"SLIGHTLY BENT TO THE POWER OF GATE GUARDIAN!"
"STRAIGHT TO THE POWER OF OBELISK!"
"SLIGHTLY BENT TO THE POWER OF OSIRIS!"
"STRAIGHT TO THE POWER OF- wait. Osiris?"
Everyone (including previous narrators and the bad guys) stared at Bakura. Malik repeated himself. "O-FUCKING-SIRIS?!" Well, didn't exactly repeat himself.
Bakura meeped. "I, uh, mean... uh, Slifer! Yes! Slifer the Sky Dragon!"
At those words, all peace was restored.
And they went back to their bickering. Yugi (newly arrived) tried to suggest that they could try both, but after being almost sent to the Shadow Realm, he decided to leave them to their own devices.
"Hey, Yug'!" Joey called to him, "Look at this!" He held up a life-size, perfectly done cardboard image of Mai. In a bikini.
"Wow, Joey! That's really well done!"
Mokuba was putting paints back into hammerspace. "We can attract a car with this."
There was a sudden wind, sending the Mai cut-out onto Yugi. It wouldn't have been so bad if it was really cardboard, but it was actually a super thin cardboard like super heavy metal that KaibaCorp had discovered about two months ago. Needless to say, the life was getting squeezed out of the world's greatest duelist by a metal cut-out of a certain lady he knew. In a bikini.
Yami reappeared (for he only briefly disappeared for short times in which Yugi usually got crushed by something) and pushed it away, into clear view for passing motorists.
After quick consideration, he made a sign to accompany it saying 'NOT FOR SALE, HIRE, OR RENT.'.
"Rent's the same thing as hire, moron." Bakura grumbled.
"Shut up."