Sea Change

The ocean's muted roar hissed in her ears as Veralidaine Sarraisri, called the Wild Mage, stumbled blindly towards its heaving expanse. Winter rain lashed across her face and a cruel wind ripped at her clothing; she staggered as the folds of her long gown entwined around her legs. Hulking giants of boulders, marked with their scars of a battle raging since time unknown, stood as silent sentinels on the beach. She could feel the People of the air and waters reaching out towards her, but she harshly rebuffed their eager greetings. The feeling of them reeling away from her in hurt and confusion did not turn her aside.

Your heart is not open so I must go.

The spell has been broken, I loved you so.

Freedom comes when you learn to let go.

Creation comes when you learn to say no.

Reaching the water's edge, she tore her slippers from her feet and flung them violently away from her, then waded out towards the horizon. The sea was the same unreflective grey of rain clouds that swelled over head. Her legs grew swiftly numb in the bone-freezing cold of the water but she did not notice the chill pain. She had already been slashed open; what was this small agony in comparison to the soundless wasteland she carried inside her heart? She screamed a raw animal cry of rage that savaged her throat with its talons as it ripped free from her throat to burst into the storm-blasted air. She had dared to love a black-robed mage with all of her being and more; she had thought that Numair SalmalĂ­n did the same. It had been too much to hope for; too much to expect.

You were my lesson I had to learn.

I was your fortress you had to burn.

Pain is a warning that something's wrong.

She had been alight with joy, coming into their shared workroom with a secret burning inside her that she had lovingly whispered in his ear. His eyes went cold and hard even in that moment, but he had put on a false smile of cheer and celebrated the coming birth of their child. My child. My beautiful, bright baby. He grew more distant thereafter and a frost that poisoned all it touched grew ever so softly and silently between them. The elation that had welled up within her at the discovery that she was with child vanished, replaced by a dulled emptiness that gapped inside what had once been a beating heart.

Your heart is not open so I must go.

The spell has been broken, I loved you so.

You were my lesson I had to learn.

I was your fortress.

He had not loved her, not truly enough to stand with her in her hour of desperate darkness. The tiny child, so pale and fragile, that the healers had placed within the cradle of her arms only to snatch it away the next moment had not survived the night. He had vanished then, leaving his magelet alone to her sorrow. There had been no one there to comfort her; to hold her in shared sympathy as her body, held ready for so long for the tiny life it had contained, shook in fearful convulsions at its absence. Even the People abandoned her then, frightened away by the awesome weight of the grief she bore.

There's nothing left to lose

There's no more heart to bruise

There's no greater power

Than the power of good-bye

Oh, he had returned with sugared words of comfort and a plea for her forgiveness. And she had wanted so desperately to believe in them, to loose herself in the comfort of a lie. But she could not. He could not heal the empty vacuum within her heart that he himself had emptied. The world had grown grey and vacant; it held no appeal for her any longer. She waded further into the frothing waters, the icy waters sapping strength from her bones, until all thought, all feeling, all pain melted away.

Learn to say good-bye.

I yearn to say good-bye.

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Lyrics copyright Madonna; characters copyright Tamora Pierce; horrible angst copyright me :p