A BtVs / Angel / Harry Potter / Sopranos / Highlander crossover. Minor spoilers up to season 7 of Buffy. Set after Season 7 BtVS, after Season 4 Angel, after Harry Potter graduates, and nowhere in particular in Sopranos / Highlander continuity.

All characters belong to their respective creators / film companies / etc. and are used without permission. This story may only be distributed on a non-profit-making basis.

Work in Progress. If you like this story, check out my other stories on the Fanfiction Net, Twisting the Hellmouth, and Fonts of Wisdom websites.

I'm British, so's my spelling. Live with it.


Bring Me The Head Of Harry Potter

by Marcus L. Rowland

X

"Okay, people," said Angel, "This is a visit to a bank, not the invasion of Normandy. Let's sheath those swords and stakes and put the crossbows away until we need them."

"I wanna gun," Tony said for the third time.

"Forget it."

"You go into Gringrotts with a gun," said Harry, "any weapon that's ready for use, they'll have you paralysed and knocked out inside ten seconds. Security's tight there. Sheathed swords and knives and crossbows in bags are probably okay, but no naked blades, no wands ready for use. And for Merlin's sake let me or Professor Rosenberg do the talking."

"Make that you," said Willow, "Those goblin guys creep me out."

"Okay," said Angel. "Everyone ready? Right, link hands."

Everyone except Fred joined the chain; she was going to stay in LA to keep the business ticking over. Cordelia and Hermione weren't there; there was no good reason to let the gangsters know that the famous Cordelia Chase was involved, so she and Hermione were staying at her apartment in Hollywood and would be joining Fred once Tony and Furio were out of the way.

"Stand as close together as you can. This may take a while," said Harry, "the area we apparate to has to be completely clear and there are a lot of us, if the bank's busy it may take time to find a suitable space."

With his free hand he flipped open Tony's key fob and touched the portkey surface.

* * * * *

They materialised in the lobby of Gringrotts, and a goblin in a porter's uniform gestured for them to step clear of the reception area. "Come on," said Harry, "don't want to keep other customers waiting."

"Holy crap," said Gunn, looking around the huge hall and taking in the ugly goblins behind the long counters. "You sure these guys aren't evil?"

"They're bankers," said Harry, "Honourable businessmen in their own way. Just don't get into debt."

"What happens if you do?" Dawn asked nervously.

"Just don't..."

"Mister Potter," said the swarthy goblin clerk Harry approached, rubbing his hands with glee. "A pleasure as always."

"Good evening, mister Goldfoot, we need to speak to the security manager please, I think that there may have been a fraud involving the bank."

"Fraud?" he whispered, horrified, then bellowed "Mister Gougegelt!"

In seconds the security manager arrived, a muscular goblin who looked like he'd been taking steroids, and took the group through to his office, which had a Victorian look with wooden panelling, leather padded seats, and dozens of small cupboards and racks for books and scrolls.

"...so what I think happened," Harry said several minutes later, "is that someone knew that there was a Weasley working at the bank but picked the wrong one to impersonate. Neither Bill nor Charlie spent much time in London, but they did share ownership of a flat, used it when they were in town. I imagine Bill still owns it. Maybe someone broke in to steal some hair to make polyjuice potion and got the wrong brush or something. Mister Soprano, before he said he was Charlie, had anyone else said his name?"

"No... t'fuk, yeah, some guy we passed in the lobby said something, 'morning Charlie,' that was it."

"Okay. Now, when all this happened Charlie's death wasn't really common knowledge, his family knew and there was a brief announcement in the Prophet, his name was towards the bottom of the list of casualties, but he was killed just after Voldemort's Death-Eaters took out Durmstrang and that filled the papers for weeks..."

"Durmstrang?" asked Angel.

"One of the big magical schools, in Northern Hungary. Voldemort's Death-Eaters attacked it to show that they still had teeth and more or less flattened the place, their protection spells just cracked under the attack. I don't think there were any survivors. Our chaps couldn't stop it, but they traced Voldemort back to his base, and Charlie and the rest set off for their raid a couple of days later. Anyway, that filled the papers, and the Ministry of Magic didn't exactly want to publicise how badly they'd screwed up, so for a long while most people didn't know he was dead. So I'd guess some casual acquaintance saw someone he thought he knew, said something, and after that the imposter just kept pretending to be Charlie."

"That's all very well," said Gougegelt, "but what has this to do with the bank?"

"I talked to this f'kin guy in one of your offices," said Tony, "so you're f'kin responsible."

"I suppose that it's possible that one of our offices was used, we do occasionally let customers hire them for meetings, but as for being responsible... When was it?"

He consulted a huge ledger, then said "Here we are, hired by... why, by Charles Weasley."

"Figures," said Angel, "You wouldn't have thought to check that he was who he said he was?"

"Why should we? The money was good, that's all that concerns us."

"I'm a patient kinda guy," said Tony, "but your attitude is beginning t'piss me off. You're a respectable bank, you saying it isn't your job to stop fraud on'a premises?"

"Speaking as another customer," said Harry, "it is a little alarming. And we haven't even checked the vault yet."

"What number?"

Tony produced the key. "Vault 8343"

"Hmmm..." Gougegelt went to a rack and pulled out another huge scroll, rapidly rolled through, and said "Account opened by... Hmm, by Mister Tony Soprano with Mister Harry Potter witnessing the signature, three days before the meeting."

"What?" asked Harry, echoed by Tony.

"This is very irregular," said Gougegelt. He went to the door and shouted "Pinchpenny!" There was a pause then a goblin wearing glasses with bottle-green lenses and carpet slippers shuffled in. "Pinchpenny, take a look at this, tell me what you think."

He looked at the scroll and scratched his head, and the lenses of his glasses glowed, casting an eerie green light onto the scroll. "Forgery sir, most definite," he said in an oddly incongruous Cockney accent, "o's and y's and r's in both names are by the same hand, virtually identical, same slant on the letters, and the capital S and p of Soprano and the o's and r's match the signature of the clerk authorising the opening of the account, mister Spoonore. I think that the e on the end of Spoonore is also the same as in Potter, but that isn't as clear."

"As I thought," said Gougegelt. "Stay here a moment, while I fetch mister Spoonore..." He started out, cracking his knuckles thoughtfully, but Pinchpenny said "You won't find him, sir. Dont'cha remember, he went missing months ago, when there was that nasty outbreak of pustules and half the staff was out, never came back. Had to check a couple of hundred accounts to make sure there wasn't any money missing."

"Blast. Very well, we'll check the vault contents. You'd better all come as witnesses."

"You'll never get all this lot in one wagon, sir," said Pinchpenny, "I'll call for a train to be made up."

* * * * *

The train of a half-dozen tiny wagons rattled through endless tunnels at breakneck speed. Gunn, Angel, Tony and Furio hung on grimly, Harry and the goblins treated it as an everyday occurrence, and Willow, Dawn, and Kennedy tried to pretend that it was the best amusement park ride they'd ever ridden. Eventually it shrieked to a halt outside vault 8343.

"The key, please" said Gougegelt, and Tony gave it to him. He gingerly pressed it to the door, which slowly creaked open. Inside was an empty chamber; empty except for the dehydrated body of a goblin. "Mister Spoonore, I presume. Must have been here for months."

The eyes of the emaciated body slowly opened, and he said "Yes sir..."

* * * * *

"It's a good thing goblins have strong constitutions," said Angel when they were back in the office. "Do we know anything yet about how he got there?"

"He claims it was the Imperio curse," said Gougegelt. "Made him open the account then help the imposter with the fraud. The aurors are checking him now, it looks like he's telling the truth."

"Do we know how it worked?" asked Willow.

"Very boldly. Just before the meeting the false Weasley and Spoonore came down to the vault, put a glamour on the vault and the corridor outside to change its appearance slightly, altered the number on the door, filled it with magical gold, and went to collect Mister Soprano. As soon as they'd agreed on the amount of gold he was supposed to be purchasing, Spoonore took them down to the vault and they collected it, leaving bundles of muggle money in its place. Once the door was shut the false Weasley cast a full body bind on Mister Soprano, took the key out of his pocket, went back into the vault, packed the muggle money into pockets under his robes, cast Finite Incantatum inside the vault to get rid of the magical gold and change its appearance, then went back outside, returned the key, moved to exactly the same position, then quickly removed the body bind while obliviating ten minutes or so of Mister Soprano's memory."

"That's bloody clever," said Harry admiringly, "must have worked pretty fast to get it all done without you noticing anything." Tony swore.

"As far as Mister Soprano was concerned," said Gougegelt, "they came out of the vault and got onto the cart, then drove through the tunnels before coming to his new vault. What really happened is that they went around in a long complicated loop, changing levels several times. As they approached the vault again Spoonore distracted mister Soprano for a second, while the impostor quietly cast Finite Incantatum ahead of the wagon and changed the corridor and the door back to their original appearance."

"So this time he saw vault 8343 as it really was?" asked Willow, fascinated.

"That's correct. After that Mister Soprano simply left the money in the vault, having been assured that he had the only key. In reality the false gold had probably vanished before he even left the bank."

"That was taking a chance," said Gunn, "What if you'd changed your mind, or gone back later to take some of it out, or put more in?"

"They probably used a geas for that," said Willow, "It's not as flashy as wand magic but it's easy enough if you have any power." She turned to Tony. "You would have invented your own reasons not to do it. They may also have used a geas to make you agree to organise the hit on Harry. Do you remember anything like that?"

"One time I wanted to get some of those gold boats, galleons, to have some jewellery made for Carmella. But I kinda decided that there might be awkward questions about the coins."

"That's the way it works," said Willow. "Even if you were desperately short of money you would have found some reason not to go to Gringrotts."

"So I've changed seventy thousand dollars, for what? For f'kin nothing?"

"Looks like it," said Harry. "I'd be more sympathetic if you hadn't tried to have me killed."

Tony lunged at him; Kennedy caught him by an arm and held him until he calmed down, easily blocking several blows he threw at her, then threw him into a chair.

"Behave," said Willow. "Arguing isn't going to settle this or get anyone's money back."

"The last thing the imposter did before leaving," said Gougegelt, "was to order Spoonore to go back to the vault a week later and try to open the door without a key."

"What would that do?" asked Dawn.

"He was sucked inside magically and left there," said Harry, "with no way out. A few months more and we would have found a corpse."

"So it's common knowledge that the doors are booby-trapped?" asked Willow.

"Certainly," said Gougegelt, "We make sure that anyone thinking of robbing us is aware of some of our precautions."

"So rather than robbing you directly, they used your facilities to rob a customer."

"Gringrotts cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone other than our staff. And we do not accept responsibility for staff acting under the Imperio curse."

"What about compensation?" asked Gunn.

"Gringrotts cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone other than our staff. And we do not accept responsibility for staff acting under the Imperio curse."

"Who're your f'kin lawyers?" asked Tony.

"Wolfram and Hart, of course."

"Figures," said Willow.

"What in Merlin's name do we do now?" asked Harry.

"I think the question," said a newcomer, "is what in Merlin's name do you think you're doing here in the first place?"

"Oh balls," said Harry. "Bloody Percy."

TBC