I know that the Quagaar pod shown in "Waiting for god" was in fact a Red Dwarf Garbage Pod. Well what if it was just coincidence that the Quagaar writing said "Red Dwarf Garbage Pod" if you added extra bits. What if it was coincidence that the body inside looked like roast chicken. What if the Quagaar were real.................

I don't own Red Dwarf or any of the characters.

Chapter 1

Red Dwarf flew on through space guided by Holly, little aware of the far bigger ship tailing them. In her senile state of mind he probably wouldn't care anyway. The crew of this ship did care though. They had been tailing this ship for 2 years now looking for revenge.

The captain stood on the deck looking out on the view screen. Finally they would have their revenge on the heathens who despoiled the grave of their great leader. The fools did not realise they had set a beacon on the tomb. Silently he gave a prayer of thanks to the god of war "Teya Lula" for letting them get this far. A lowly conscript on the bridge interrupted his prayer though with a cry of,

"Sir. The heathen ship is in firing range." Captain Lacaros turned to face the insolent swine that dared interrupt his prayers.

"I can see that, conscript." The conscript gulped. "You have interrupted my prayers." The conscript gulped again. "Now Teya Lula will demand a sacrifice. You have just volunteered. Guards!" 4 members of the warrior caste marched up to the conscript and dragged him off by the arms and the wings. Firing range did not matter yet. These creatures called humans had despoiled the grave of their great leader now they must suffer. A quick death would be too good for them.

Rimmer couldn't sleep. He couldn't help thinking about the Quagaars. What if they had been real? What if it had all been a coincidence? What if they were real? What if he had actually found the corpse of an alien and Lister and Holly had tricked him into thinking it wasn't real because they were jealous. They didn't want him to get all the glory for discovering aliens. Suddenly it was all coming together. Why Lister had always been so mean to him. He was jealous. That was why he kept failing his engineering exam even though he was obviously a genius, Lister had sabotaged the results. Lister had probably even changed the menu that fateful day to Gazpacho soup. Well he wasn't standing for it anymore he stood up and punched Lister...his hand went right through his head.

"Smeg!" He cried, and went to find a scutter.

10 minutes later he came back with a scutter holding a chair. The scutter slowly brought the chair down on Lister's head. Lister woke up though the chair did not hurt much.

"Rimmer! What the Smeg are you doing?" he shouted.

"Take that you alien-stealer, you exam-fixer, you menu-changer."

"What the hell are you going on about?"

"Don't pretend you don't know what this is for. I'm onto you. I know you've been mucking up my life."

"What the smeg."

"Hit him harder, harder!!!" The scutter whacked Lister over he head again.

"Harder than that harde..." Rimmer broke off mid word as he suddenly froze. Holly's head appeared on the screen.

"Sorry about that Dave." She said. "I've accidentally given him a second paranoia chip. I'll just fix it." Rimmer's image flickered briefly and he started up again.

"er. What the smeg am I doing?"

"You were getting a scutter to beat me over the head."

"Sounds fun. Hit him. Hit him!!"

"Own. Stop it." The scutter stopped.

"Hit him." The scutter started again.

"The scutters are programmed to obey all humans." Pointed out humans.

"Stop it."

"I order you not to obey his commands to stop hitting him."

"I order you to ignore that order, stop and also ignore all others involving hitting me." The scutter stopped.

"I order you to ignore that order." The scutter did nothing.

"Why isn't he obeying me?"

"The scutters are programmed to obey orders from living humans over dead ones," pointed out Holly.

"Why did you get his paranoid chip wrong anyway?"

"Oh yes. I was distracted by a rather strange transmission we were receiving."