The very secret diary of.... Doyle
Day 1: Met up with that sod Angel, needs to get a good haircut, but he's an okay guy once you get him drunk. We played scrabble until the small hours of the morning, I decided to give the moper a bit of a nightlife, so we went to this...er... interesting little bar I know called the Broken Carrot. Ordered eleven bourbons between us. Ahhhhh...... Bourbon.
Day 2: Woke up with the mother of all hangovers, which can only be fixed by a couple of triple malt whiskeys. Met Cordellia. She says I'm too fixated on alcohol, told her it wasn't true. Which reminds me, I could really go for a Smirinoff right now.
Day 3: Ruined chance to go out with Cordellia. Dropped bottle of bourbon on floor. It shattered. Attempted to lick up but cut tongue on glass. Very sad.
Day 4: That git Angel just snogged Cordellia, I just know it. Pointed out to her that he goes all evil after a decent shag. She says she's into kink. Must drown my sorrows in bourbon and maybe a few potatoes. Mmmmmmm......... Bourbon. Angel starting to look good.
Day 5: Ex-wife showed up. Must get restraining order on that bitch or put a bell on her or something. I needed a case of Jack Daniel's to recover from the shock. New husband tried to eat my brains. I told him that foot fetishes were as far as I had gone, but he was all domamatrix. Angel had to bust in and ruin it just when it was getting kinky to the third power. Alas..... I need a bourbon.
Day 6: Cordellia starting to avoid me. Must be beer fumes. Started watching Oprah today. Got to pull myself out of the gutter. Life isn't about bourbon.
Day 7: Yes it is.
Day 8: Walked in on Angel and Cordellia showering together again! God, that sex-crazed little tart will hump anything that moves (and a few things that don't). Buffy showed up. She's a nice bit a crumpet isn't she? I wonder if she'd fancy a drink....
Day 9: Stupid pureblooded demons want to kill me because I told them bright pink wasn't a really manly color for them. So they go and unveil the unholy glowing thing of doom. Angel trying to go all hero and jump into it first and sacrifice himself. He's getting all weepy and all of a sudden (and I'm just mindin' me own business and nursing a beer here) he chucks me into the light when the camera guy isn't looking.
Git.
Day 10: Could really use a bourbon down here.
Day 11: Wow. They really forgot about me fast, didn't they?
Day 12: Ter-riffic... I've been replaced... with Wesley. That's it. (drinks burbon in obscene quantities. Sobers up five years later.)
Day 5068: Mwahaha! Hello... Wes.
