Well, here's to chapter 4. it took a kinda long time, but it's the longest one yet! From here on out, things get kind of mushy, so don't say I didn't warn you.
Knives' Angel
Disclaimer- Yep, I sure don't own Trigun. Darn.
Warning- yes, there is male/male yaoi. If you don't like that kind of thing, don't read this and complain about it! it's really rude! Oh yea, and the OOCness still applies.
Chapter 4- A spider becomes a butterfly
All I could do now was wait. Time passed with agonizing sluggishness, it felt like I was living every minute three times over. It was like the world was holding it's breath, waiting for something, anything to happen. I knew that this wasn't a fast process, but why did it have to seem like forever each time I looked at the clock? At first, I swore that they were broken, seeming to stop for hours on end. I periodically took them down and looked at them in the beginning, searching for some reason they were so unchanging. Finally I came to the conclusion I had known all along, it was me who was off, not them.
Taking a deep breath, I stared once again at the ceiling. I had become so accustomed to this ritual that I knew every crack and scratch by heart.
Gazing over to the small clock on my wall, I saw that I had been laying there daydreaming for a little over two hours. Even though it was too early, I decided to go check on Legato again.
"Just the same as two hours ago." I thought to myself with slight amusement. I knew I was just making myself more anxious, checking up on him all too often. He seemed peaceful enough, his mind beginning to rejuvenate after nearly a weeks rest. Though his current condition seemed promising, I wasn't fool enough to believe that he was out of danger yet. There was any number of things that could still go wrong, ranging from bad to worse. Involuntarily worrying my lip, I wondered again if I was doing the right thing. I had no idea of a time frame for how long this would take, for all I knew it could be years.
Deciding against going home right away, I sat down upon the cold metal floor and watched him. Somehow I wanted to be in there with him, in a state where the outside world didn't matter, didn't seem to exist.
"It must be nice, to be able to forget. Strange, even when I was in your position, I couldn't sleep, or rest. I didn't forget anything, just remember more and more. It made me so angry, to be incapacitated and unable to do anything by myself. You were there though, so maybe it made things easier? You were there."
What was I saying? There was no point talking to him, he couldn't hear me. This whole time that's what I had been doing, continually speaking to him for no good reason. Was I really lonely? It had to be the case; why else would I be conversing with someone who was as good as an animated corpse? It was simple-it didn't matter. Right now, this was the only person I could talk to that would hear me out, yet not hear a thing. That was exactly what I wanted. I didn't want to talk to myself, and now I didn't have to. I could at least pretend to be conversing with another person, which didn't make me feel so crazy. I could tell him anything I wanted and not worry about what he thought about it, or if he even agreed with it.
So, I began to tell him everything. Any thought that crossed my mind, I said it without hesitation. I told him my entire past, from beginning on the SEEDS ship to the present. It helped pass the time, and in some ways helped me as well. Saying things, admitting to them, I began to realize how I really felt about certain issues. Some of what I learned about myself in that time surprised me. I learned what some of my real motivations for certain actions were, though I didn't want to believe them. So many things I had done when I was younger, I had no idea of the long term consequences. Maybe now, I still didn't. What would the consequences be for saving Legato? Once again, I had gone into something which I had no idea what the outcome would be.
"You wouldn't ever leave after this, would you? It wouldn't be right, if you did. I've done a lot of things for you, you know that. Even though I take credit for doing things I never did, that doesn't mean I haven't done at least some good things for you. Well, now that I think, this might be one of the first good things I've ever done, and it still has ulterior motives to it. Does that still make it a good thing? It seems like people always say that a good deed is done without the promise or motive of getting something out of it, but you're getting something out of this too, you're getting life. Do you want life? What if you don't? What if I'm doing everything wrong again, just like always? God, I don't want to be wrong again. I'm beginning to feel that everything I've done was a big mistake. But, that's impossible, right? In over a century of life, it's impossible to have done everything wrong. That is, unless, you're me."
"Do you ever think about what would have been if you had done something differently, if you could take back one thing you did? Sometimes I wonder what things would have been like if I hadn't forced the ships to crash on this wasteland. It's stupid really; I can't change something that's already happened. That being the case, I still can't help myself in thinking how everything would have turned out. Vash, he wouldn't have hated me, not if I hadn't done that. We wouldn't be stuck on this wasteland, this sandy hell of a planet. If I could have just stopped all the thoughts that were going through my head, telling me that everything I was being taught was a lie, that these people were garbage, could I have made it work out? I think I was angry, jealous even. Jealous that Vash seemed to prefer Rem to me, jealous that he was the obvious favorite. Why didn't anyone care for me like that? I think I wanted that at one point, but I kept telling myself that I didn't need it. I convinced myself that everyone was against me, and everything went downhill from there..."
"Is fear and anger really the same emotion? They must be, because both are felt in such close relationship with each other. When someone feels fear, it makes them uncomfortable, so they become angry. When they become angry, they are truly acting out of fear and begin to lose all logic. I think that maybe a lot of my anger comes from being afraid, for some reason or another. I become afraid that I'll lose something, so I either take action that I think will prevent its loss, which usually ends up losing it to me forever, or destroy it so I know it was at least lost at my own hands. No matter what way it turns out, I'm never happy. Right now, I'm afraid to lose you, and that makes me angry. When I found you, dying, I was afraid. When I brought you home, I was angry at myself for caring. How can I make it all end? I don't want to be angry or afraid anymore..."
These one sided conversations would last for hours, serving no other purpose than to pass time and make me feel more, or sometimes less, secure. I would talk to him until I found myself drifting seamlessly into sleep. Half the time I wasn't sure if I was awake or asleep, except when I dreamed. The dreams were the same as reality, me talking with Legato. Time almost lost it's meaning, days, weeks, who knows how many passed while I waited. Everything bled together into one mass of active and passive awareness, until I awoke with a start early one morning.
Something wasn't right. The usually quiet atmosphere seemed distressed, uneasy. Forcibly pulling myself up from the floor, I made my way to the main area of the Plant to see what was going on. All the readings were off the charts, and a quick glance up confirmed what was happening.
"My god, he's coming." I whispered, rushing around to the side to get a better view. It was happening, without a doubt. The Plantangels belly was swollen large, pulsating with life. Any minute it would all unfold, and Legato would be reborn. All the waiting and hoping was going to pay off, but that didn't mean everything was all over yet.
I watched in reverent awe as he emerged, surrounded by a rain of feathers. It was so beautiful; I stood there breathless as I felt a few tears escape from my eyes. Hurrying outside after it was all over, I found him standing there on the rocks, naked.
"L-Legato?" I asked cautiously, not knowing exactly what he would do. He turned towards me, arms wrapped tight around himself as if he was cold.
"What happened to me?" he questioned in confusion, looking around nervously at me, then himself. "I don't understand."
"You've been reborn." I said simply, watching as he looked at me in disbelief.
"But I died, I know I did, I had to have. I know I was dead because I saw you-and heard you-and-and-felt you." He finished, putting his head down in shame.
"You didn't die. I didn't, well I couldn't let you. Are you saying I was wrong?" I ended a bit defensively.
"No Master, but I don't understand. How can I be alive? I was shot fatally, I couldn't have survived."
"Your body couldn't be used anymore, it was too badly damaged. The only choice I had was to put you in the Plant. I wasn't fully certain that it would work. "
"But, wouldn't that mean-it would mean-that I'm..." he trailed off, shaking his head slowly back and fourth.
"You're a Plant now." I finished, knowing that was the conclusion he himself was struggling to come to. He suddenly looked mortified, staring down at his body with a mixture of euphoria and painful depression.
"There will be time to worry about everything later. For now, it would be best to go back and get you some clothes and some food. Come on." I said, beckoning him to follow. He took a few steps, the wind blowing his weakened body mercilessly. Sighing, I went back and draped my arm around him for support, leading him home.
That's it for now, hope you enjoyed it! Keep it up with the reviewing!
Knives' Angel
Knives' Angel
Disclaimer- Yep, I sure don't own Trigun. Darn.
Warning- yes, there is male/male yaoi. If you don't like that kind of thing, don't read this and complain about it! it's really rude! Oh yea, and the OOCness still applies.
Chapter 4- A spider becomes a butterfly
All I could do now was wait. Time passed with agonizing sluggishness, it felt like I was living every minute three times over. It was like the world was holding it's breath, waiting for something, anything to happen. I knew that this wasn't a fast process, but why did it have to seem like forever each time I looked at the clock? At first, I swore that they were broken, seeming to stop for hours on end. I periodically took them down and looked at them in the beginning, searching for some reason they were so unchanging. Finally I came to the conclusion I had known all along, it was me who was off, not them.
Taking a deep breath, I stared once again at the ceiling. I had become so accustomed to this ritual that I knew every crack and scratch by heart.
Gazing over to the small clock on my wall, I saw that I had been laying there daydreaming for a little over two hours. Even though it was too early, I decided to go check on Legato again.
"Just the same as two hours ago." I thought to myself with slight amusement. I knew I was just making myself more anxious, checking up on him all too often. He seemed peaceful enough, his mind beginning to rejuvenate after nearly a weeks rest. Though his current condition seemed promising, I wasn't fool enough to believe that he was out of danger yet. There was any number of things that could still go wrong, ranging from bad to worse. Involuntarily worrying my lip, I wondered again if I was doing the right thing. I had no idea of a time frame for how long this would take, for all I knew it could be years.
Deciding against going home right away, I sat down upon the cold metal floor and watched him. Somehow I wanted to be in there with him, in a state where the outside world didn't matter, didn't seem to exist.
"It must be nice, to be able to forget. Strange, even when I was in your position, I couldn't sleep, or rest. I didn't forget anything, just remember more and more. It made me so angry, to be incapacitated and unable to do anything by myself. You were there though, so maybe it made things easier? You were there."
What was I saying? There was no point talking to him, he couldn't hear me. This whole time that's what I had been doing, continually speaking to him for no good reason. Was I really lonely? It had to be the case; why else would I be conversing with someone who was as good as an animated corpse? It was simple-it didn't matter. Right now, this was the only person I could talk to that would hear me out, yet not hear a thing. That was exactly what I wanted. I didn't want to talk to myself, and now I didn't have to. I could at least pretend to be conversing with another person, which didn't make me feel so crazy. I could tell him anything I wanted and not worry about what he thought about it, or if he even agreed with it.
So, I began to tell him everything. Any thought that crossed my mind, I said it without hesitation. I told him my entire past, from beginning on the SEEDS ship to the present. It helped pass the time, and in some ways helped me as well. Saying things, admitting to them, I began to realize how I really felt about certain issues. Some of what I learned about myself in that time surprised me. I learned what some of my real motivations for certain actions were, though I didn't want to believe them. So many things I had done when I was younger, I had no idea of the long term consequences. Maybe now, I still didn't. What would the consequences be for saving Legato? Once again, I had gone into something which I had no idea what the outcome would be.
"You wouldn't ever leave after this, would you? It wouldn't be right, if you did. I've done a lot of things for you, you know that. Even though I take credit for doing things I never did, that doesn't mean I haven't done at least some good things for you. Well, now that I think, this might be one of the first good things I've ever done, and it still has ulterior motives to it. Does that still make it a good thing? It seems like people always say that a good deed is done without the promise or motive of getting something out of it, but you're getting something out of this too, you're getting life. Do you want life? What if you don't? What if I'm doing everything wrong again, just like always? God, I don't want to be wrong again. I'm beginning to feel that everything I've done was a big mistake. But, that's impossible, right? In over a century of life, it's impossible to have done everything wrong. That is, unless, you're me."
"Do you ever think about what would have been if you had done something differently, if you could take back one thing you did? Sometimes I wonder what things would have been like if I hadn't forced the ships to crash on this wasteland. It's stupid really; I can't change something that's already happened. That being the case, I still can't help myself in thinking how everything would have turned out. Vash, he wouldn't have hated me, not if I hadn't done that. We wouldn't be stuck on this wasteland, this sandy hell of a planet. If I could have just stopped all the thoughts that were going through my head, telling me that everything I was being taught was a lie, that these people were garbage, could I have made it work out? I think I was angry, jealous even. Jealous that Vash seemed to prefer Rem to me, jealous that he was the obvious favorite. Why didn't anyone care for me like that? I think I wanted that at one point, but I kept telling myself that I didn't need it. I convinced myself that everyone was against me, and everything went downhill from there..."
"Is fear and anger really the same emotion? They must be, because both are felt in such close relationship with each other. When someone feels fear, it makes them uncomfortable, so they become angry. When they become angry, they are truly acting out of fear and begin to lose all logic. I think that maybe a lot of my anger comes from being afraid, for some reason or another. I become afraid that I'll lose something, so I either take action that I think will prevent its loss, which usually ends up losing it to me forever, or destroy it so I know it was at least lost at my own hands. No matter what way it turns out, I'm never happy. Right now, I'm afraid to lose you, and that makes me angry. When I found you, dying, I was afraid. When I brought you home, I was angry at myself for caring. How can I make it all end? I don't want to be angry or afraid anymore..."
These one sided conversations would last for hours, serving no other purpose than to pass time and make me feel more, or sometimes less, secure. I would talk to him until I found myself drifting seamlessly into sleep. Half the time I wasn't sure if I was awake or asleep, except when I dreamed. The dreams were the same as reality, me talking with Legato. Time almost lost it's meaning, days, weeks, who knows how many passed while I waited. Everything bled together into one mass of active and passive awareness, until I awoke with a start early one morning.
Something wasn't right. The usually quiet atmosphere seemed distressed, uneasy. Forcibly pulling myself up from the floor, I made my way to the main area of the Plant to see what was going on. All the readings were off the charts, and a quick glance up confirmed what was happening.
"My god, he's coming." I whispered, rushing around to the side to get a better view. It was happening, without a doubt. The Plantangels belly was swollen large, pulsating with life. Any minute it would all unfold, and Legato would be reborn. All the waiting and hoping was going to pay off, but that didn't mean everything was all over yet.
I watched in reverent awe as he emerged, surrounded by a rain of feathers. It was so beautiful; I stood there breathless as I felt a few tears escape from my eyes. Hurrying outside after it was all over, I found him standing there on the rocks, naked.
"L-Legato?" I asked cautiously, not knowing exactly what he would do. He turned towards me, arms wrapped tight around himself as if he was cold.
"What happened to me?" he questioned in confusion, looking around nervously at me, then himself. "I don't understand."
"You've been reborn." I said simply, watching as he looked at me in disbelief.
"But I died, I know I did, I had to have. I know I was dead because I saw you-and heard you-and-and-felt you." He finished, putting his head down in shame.
"You didn't die. I didn't, well I couldn't let you. Are you saying I was wrong?" I ended a bit defensively.
"No Master, but I don't understand. How can I be alive? I was shot fatally, I couldn't have survived."
"Your body couldn't be used anymore, it was too badly damaged. The only choice I had was to put you in the Plant. I wasn't fully certain that it would work. "
"But, wouldn't that mean-it would mean-that I'm..." he trailed off, shaking his head slowly back and fourth.
"You're a Plant now." I finished, knowing that was the conclusion he himself was struggling to come to. He suddenly looked mortified, staring down at his body with a mixture of euphoria and painful depression.
"There will be time to worry about everything later. For now, it would be best to go back and get you some clothes and some food. Come on." I said, beckoning him to follow. He took a few steps, the wind blowing his weakened body mercilessly. Sighing, I went back and draped my arm around him for support, leading him home.
That's it for now, hope you enjoyed it! Keep it up with the reviewing!
Knives' Angel
