Sorry, it took awhile to post this. I just finished with exams and everything, and never have to set foot in school again! (silently cheers) I'm still kinda amazed that anyone likes this, but I guess I shouldn't question stuff like that. Anyway, hope you enjoy this, and the same warnings as always apply. (OOC-ness, some yaoi, nothing you arent used to)
Knives' Angel
Disclaimer: if Trigun was mine, I wouldn't have to type this every single time I post something. Unfortunately, here I am, still saying I don't own Trigun.
Warning: yaoi, OOC-ness, and self-doubt. If you don't like it, then don't read it. -
Chapter 5- Ashamed
Legato's POV
Everything felt wrong. What had I just been thrown into? It wasn't possibly the same existence I had left some time ago, not at all. My way of life had been shattered, all within the space of two minutes. What had taken years to build and reinforce had been torn down like a derelict building.
I glanced up a moment at Master, completely at a loss. Why was his arm around me? Why was he touching me at all? I knew it was wrong, didn't he know he was soiling himself with the very act? What could possibly make him lower himself so far? Too deep in thought to notice a rock straight ahead, I stumbled and nearly fell to my knees.
"Careful." He warned, catching me in mid fall and supporting most of my weight. "I need to get you back home." Was he smiling? It seemed almost kind, no ill intent behind it. I didn't understand, nothing made any sense anymore!
Once we returned home, I was given a blanket to wrap myself in and told to sit down. My whole body shook uncontrollably, no matter how hard I tried to stop it. I felt so strange, as if something more than just blood flowed through my veins.
"It must seem so different to you. Soon enough, you'll get used to it. Are you cold?" he asked in reference to my shivering.
"No." I replied, staring down at the ground. He made it seem so casual, as if it were nothing special. Obviously he knew how I was feeling, but there was no way he could know the true extent of it all.
"Here, put these on. You'll feel a bit less vulnerable." He said as he tossed a pair of pants and a shirt into my lap. I looked up at him in dazed confusion, but he only smiled in mild amusement.
"You really are out of it, aren't you? It's to be expected, you were only a human to begin with. Just get dressed, will you?"
I blushed with embarrassment, feeling foolish for not understanding the first time. Doing what I was told, I got dressed and immediately sat back down out of dizziness. I felt like a limp dish rag, as if nothing was supporting my body at all.
"How long has it been?" I asked after a few minutes silence.
"Two, maybe three weeks." He answered. I nodded slowly, though the answer didn't mean much to me. It could have been years for all I cared, everything that my life had once stood upon was destroyed. The balance that I so needed to live by was now blurred, even broken. Where I stood now I had no idea, no way of knowing how things were to be. For the first time in a very long while, I began to question my place. It was impossible for me and Him to be equals, but what held us apart? I felt elevated in my lowliness, further down below superiority than I had ever felt before. I was a perversion of perfection, a mockery of godliness. What did he want from me now?
"You need to eat something; it'll help you regain your strength. Here." He said, handing me a bowl of soup. Reluctantly, I obeyed and drank it down, even though the feeling of the hot liquid entering my stomach was nauseating. Staring down at the now empty bowl, I wondered what exactly I had just eaten. In fact, it tasted a lot like spicy cardboard.
"Hey, sorry about the soup. I'm not really that sure how to make it, and that's all I could find." He admitted sheepishly, putting one arm behind his head and grinning.
"You-you did take it out of the package, right?" I asked in fear as I stared at the reddish residue left behind on the bowl, beginning to worry about it being all sorts of things like melted plastic or paper.
"Of course. See, it's roast chicken flavor." He replied, holding up the empty bag of ramen. Somehow, seeing the ramen package only made me feel worse.
"You know, this isn't that bad once you get used to it. I hope you like it too, because it's the only food we have here." I stared at him in disbelief as he munched on the square of dry, curly noodles straight out of the bag. "It tastes a lot better when it's dry."
It all seemed so normal, so relaxed for a moment. We were having something of a conversation, albeit a strange one. Even if for a minute, I had felt like I was talking to just another person, someone who wasn't ridiculously far above me.
"This is the first time." I said quietly, avoiding his gaze.
"First time for what?"
"This is the first time you've ever talked to me." I mumbled, realizing this was true. He gave me a strange look, not understanding what I meant.
"Yes, we've spoken before, but not like this, not like two people."
"Like two equals." He finished, sitting down near me. "Don't you think it's kind of nice?"
"But it's not equal."
"Why not?"
I stopped. He was right. Why not? Because, you know why. Don't you dare question it! It will only lead to more problems.
He was looking at me for an answer, but I had none to offer. I tried to read his expression, searching for a clue as to what I should say, but all I could see was a sense of almost innocent wonder. He wanted to know my reason, pure and simple.
"Because-I'm me. I'm nothing, and you are everything." I answered finally, knowing how simplistic it sounded.
"You actually believe that don't you, with everything you are. Even now, you cling to this one idea with unwavering persistence, though the very belief of it undoes your reason for existence. Things are different now, why can't you understand? You were always better than them, and you knew it well. If you know these things to be true, why do you dupe yourself into believing that they are wrong?" he asked forcefully, though not angrily. The look in his eyes was one of perplexity, a deep rooted need to know why.
"I need to believe these things, because if I don't, then everything I built my life on becomes a lie, everything loses it's meaning and reason." I replied truthfully, for the very first time.
"What if everything you built your life on was a lie, from the very start?" at this I paused for a long while, unsure of how to answer.
"Then...I'm useless. I don't know." I lowered my head, feeling emptier than I had ever felt in my entire life.
"Don't say that." He ordered almost pleadingly, grabbing firm hold of my shoulders. "Things that are broken can be rebuilt." Part of me wanted to scream at him for touching me again, for putting on this show of false compassion. I knew that I was nothing to him, why did he have to tease me like this?
"I'm not teasing you. Didn't I already tell you enough times that everything is different? It's like you're hearing me, but you're not allowing yourself to listen. Just open your eyes and see for once, I mean really see. Don't cloud your mind with existing assumptions about how life works. Don't be like me." he finished quietly, looking deep into my eyes. I suddenly saw so much reflected in those oceans of light blue, such depth and emotion. He was so much more alive than anything I had ever seen.
All the other humans who I so despised, I despised them because they were empty. Whenever I gazed into their shallow eyes, scanned through their pathetic minds, all I found was an emptiness so thick it would almost suffocate everything around it. Their consciousness was one big void, with no meaning and no substance. Nothing was sacred to them, not their families, not their beliefs, not even their lives. They appreciated nothing, so I gave them the gift of Nothing in return. For a while I had told myself that I was beyond that mindless, mass production profile of existence, but I soon discovered that I was just as empty as them, if not more so. Now I was staring into these orbs of fathomless sensation, and I secretly wished that I could be so alive, so real, even if for a fleeting moment.
A few involuntary tears escaped my eyes and rolled down my cheeks, blurring my vision. I blinked a few times, and was startled by a soft touch on my face. Looking up, I saw that He had wiped one of my tears away with his index finger, and now held it there before him, staring at it with curiosity. Before letting it drip down his finger, he licked it off and turned his eyes back to me.
"You're not empty. Trust me." he said in all seriousness, finally removing both hands from my shoulders. "I think it would be best of you got some rest for the time being."
"Yes, thank you Master." I managed to choke out before I headed as quickly as I could to my room.
Shutting the door behind me, I pulled the sheets down and crawled into my bed. It felt so alien to me, it had been so long since I had slept there last. The air itself smelled old and stale, like it was dead. I suddenly felt so lonely as compared to the past few weeks, though I could hardly remember them. The whole time I had been unconscious, I always heard His voice in my head, telling me random things that crossed his mind. He told me everything, things he had obviously never spoken to anyone else. It was his voice that kept me anchored in this lifetime, the thread I held onto in the darkness. Sometimes, just the fact that I could sense and hear him made me believe I was already dead, because of the situation. Now I was alive, but left without a purpose. I didn't know how to live any other way than in servitude, being told what to do day in and day out. My whole world had been turned upside down, my position in life reversed.
At that moment, the only thing I could have wished for would be to disappear. I was torn between everything I believed, and everything I hoped for. I had wanted death, for more reasons than I could possibly name, but I also wanted to be obedient to Masters wishes. If he wanted me to live, I would have to live, even if it made me unhappy. But I wasn't even sure if I was unhappy, wasn't this what I had always secretly wanted?
"I don't know what I want anymore." I thought sadly as I allowed my tears to flow freely into my pillow.
That's it for now, and I don't know when I'll be around to post more, since I am hella busy this summer. I'll do what I can however, and hopefully I'll get something up before the end of July.(hopefully) toodles!
Knives' Angel
