Sorry this is really really brief, but I'm about to run out the door to go to North Carolina! If the end of the chap sux, it's because I'm in such a hurry. Anyway, I won't be back until the beginning of august, so don't get upset if I don't update!

Knives' Angel...catch ya on the beach!

Disclaimer: I still don't own Trigun, and sadly I don't think I ever will...

Warning: all the stuff I always say. need I say more?

Chapter 6- Not meant for me

Knives' POV

I sat there on the couch, unmoving even after Legato retired to his room. My emotions were disjointed and mangled, stuck somewhere between relief and disappointment. Guilty for my feeling of happiness that Legato was alive once more, yet angry at his apparent inferiority complex. I knew this to be my fault entirely, but wasn't ready to deal with any more guilt than necessary for one morning.
What did I really want from him now? The whole time I had fought to save him, I never once had a real purpose in mind. He could be of so much use to me if I only asked him to be, but was that what I truly wanted? Of course it wasn't, no matter how hard I tried to force myself into believing it! I wouldn't have gone through so much trouble to save him if I had wanted him merely for service. There was an innumerable supply of people I could use for carrying out my orders, so what would have been the point of saving him at all? This whole issue was ripping me apart from the inside out, the idea that I actually needed him, like one common person needs the company of another.
I didn't understand this feeling, this urge for companionship that was building inside me. It had obviously been guiding my actions from the start, but where did this urge stop and the real me begin?
Unable to clear my head of all the undesired thoughts, I threw one of the couch pillows across the room in frustration. I hated to be unsure of anything, and even more than that, I hated how my feelings were suddenly complicating everything in sight. It would be so much easier to live without them, but as of yet I had found no real way to get rid of them, and no full-hearted desire to do so. This was becoming so difficult, I wondered if I had even made the right decision in bringing him back in the first place. Somehow it was like building something from the ground up without any instructions, and without a foundation to work with.
I've made the wrong choice again, haven't I? I did everything without thinking it over, and in my haste I've managed to throw myself into another undesirable situation. Whenever I try to find happiness, it's always wrong! It's all his fault, it has to be. This is Legato's fault, he's the one who went out and got himself shot, and then had the nerve, the presumption, to ask me for help! Couldn't the fool just have died in peace? I hate him, I hate him for how he looks at me, how he glorifies me, how he surrenders his free will at my whim. I hate him for how he makes me feel inside...that he makes me feel...a little bit more complete. Why?
Standing up finally, I walked towards Legato's door, ready to knock it down out of anger. Right before I opened it I hesitated a bit, catching the sound of soft sobs from within. Suddenly I didn't feel so angry, just confused. Was it possible that he was upset, like I was? A wave of guilt welled up in me, and I wondered if I should do something to make him stop. Biting down on my lip with worry, I tried to think of what a person does to comfort another. It had been such a long time since those thoughts had passed my mind, it was hard to begin the process again. Should I just ask him to be quiet? Should I just ignore it and allow him to suffer? It wouldn't hurt him any, it couldn't be the first time that his despair was left unacknowledged.
I let my hand slip away from the knob at last, and I turned to head for my room. As I walked away, I knew what I was doing wasn't right, but there was nothing I could do to help him. After all, what use is frozen compassion and hesitant words?

Legato's POV

Laying face down on my bed, I attempted in vain to stop my tears from flowing. I had no real reason to cry, but somehow I couldn't stop myself. Was it tears of joy, tears of sadness, or tears of confusion? Maybe it was all three.
My body was still shaking like a leaf, and I was glad that Master couldn't see me now. It was embarrassing more than anything else, the fact that I couldn't control myself when it came to simple matters of the heart. Endless streams of words floated back to me, words spoken in confidence to my sleeping mind as I lay dormant within the Plant.
"Right now, I'm afraid to lose you..."
"God, I don't want to be wrong again...What if you don't want life?"
"How can I make it all end? I don't want to be angry or afraid anymore."
"Neither do I." I mumbled into the sheets, touched by his words even after they had been spoken. Now that he had told me all these things, I had a completely different picture of his personality in my mind. He seemed so insecure and unsure, self-doubting and even regretful. Somehow I hadn't previously thought him capable of such feelings, mainly because he never showed them. Why had he decided to open up to me? I was obviously undeserving of hearing his inner thoughts, let alone have them be focused on me. It made me unbelievably happy to know that he had been thinking about me, but it didn't answer my question of why. Could he possibly care about me, really care about me? I knew that it was wrong to hope for something so selfish, but I couldn't stop myself.
All my life, I had wanted to be cared for by someone, to know how it felt to be loved. Other people I saw, they knew what it was like. It made me jealous, to know that something so special was not meant for me, and never would be. Sometimes I wished to myself that I could even have a taste of this feeling, the knowledge that someone had chosen me to share this sacred emotion with. Was I even capable of feeling love in return, if someone chose to care for me? I had been alone for so much of my life, regardless of how many other people were around me. It was that sense of mental isolation that I had kept myself in for as long as I could remember that made me so unsure that I could love another person.
"What am I supposed to do?" I whispered, having no one to look to for guidance. I wished that I was dead, and had no more problems. When I had went out and basically forced Vash to shoot me, it wasn't because I was unwillingly sacrificing myself, it was because I wanted to die. There was no reason to be alive anymore, but here I was, crying and breathing and moving and wishing it wasn't so.
"I...I'm glad that you're alive." I looked up in surprise and saw Master standing there, not even two feet away from my bed. It had sounded like it was hard for him to say those words, but they sounded sincere none the less.
"I know that it's going to be difficult for the next few weeks, but I think that we're just going to have to start all over, from square one. If you can do that for me, then I promise that things will get a lot better. Will you do this?" he asked, slowly getting closer to me.
"Yes, of course Master." I answered.
"No, I'm not asking you as your master. I'm asking you as one person asks another. Now give me your answer, not as my servant, but...as my equal."
I paused, unable to say a word. What was he talking about? We weren't equal, was I the only one who still knew this?
"You know, for all you talk of free will, doesn't it anger you that you don't have it? Have you completely forgotten how to think for yourself?"
"I don't know. I never thought about it much before." I admitted, eyes fixed on my hands in shame rather than on His gaze.
"Please, don't do this for me, Do it for yourself, and no one else. I know you can." He said, touching one of my hands lightly as if to hold it in his own. Slowly I looked up to meet his eyes, his beautiful blue eyes. He wanted me to do this so bad, I couldn't just let him down! Finally, I was able to answer him.
"I'll do it." I said, with as much confidence as I could. He smiled, and without warning wrapped his arms tightly around me in an embrace.
"Thank you." He whispered in my ear.

Well, I guess that's all for now! Adieu!

Knives' Angel