Chapter 2, in Which Hogwart's Starts an Exchange Program
Harry, Ron and Hermione are in the Great Hall for the beginning-of-term feast (Insert Great Hall description blatantly plagiarized from Book 1). They had all changed so much over the summer they were almost unrecognizable. Hermione had "developed" and now had a very "womanly" figure. Her hair was no longer bushy but sleek and shiny and she wore just the right amount of make-up. Whilst Harry and Ron were no longer skinny and gangly like normal teenage boys but were now covered in rippling muscules which were easily visible despite the fact that they wear very loose, flowing robes.
~~Readers wonder how Harry is suddenly so built? Surely the Dursleys did not get him a gym membership?~~
"I wonder what the new first years will be like?" Harry asks.
"Maybe there will be a mysterious new sixth year exchange student with a dark past who will be really pretty and have amazing powers and fall in love with one of us, causing the other to become terribly jealous and setting up a classic over-used love triangle, but after she vanquishes Voldemort with her sheer perkiness we'll all realize how sweet and good she is and all be happy"? Said Ron.
"Now Ron." Said Hermione patiently "That would be silly. Hogwart's has never had an exchange program and it would be stupid to start one now as we're all being terrorized by Voldemort."
~~Hermione makes too much sense and the writer decides she should spend the rest of the fic in the library, only to be let out for making catty comments about Mary Sue, until such time as the author has less homework and can write a fic pairing Hermione with Draco~~
The sorting occurs, during which Harry and Draco make eye contact and sneer or glare respectively. Dumbledore stands, his eyes twinkling and sparkling and glittering…he's looking very wise, as always.
"Welcome back to Hogwart's. I have an exciting announcement. We have started.....and exchange program!"
Everyone in the hall gasps in shock.
~~Readers do not gasp. They are not shocked. They are not even mildly surprised.~~
"We are happy to welcome our new student from America, who also has to be sorted. Her name is Alexandrina Serena Aramantha Xenia Raine Artemis Riddle Malfoy Weasley Potter de Smythe."
~~Readers wonder how she fits it all on her driver's license?~~
The new girl stepped forward to be sorted and every male in the room felt his chin hit the floor. Many fainted. She was the most beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, attractive (reaches for thesaurus), striking, lovely, wondrous creature they had ever seen. She had long curly/perfectly straight tresses the color of sun-kissed honey/raven black/burnished copper with highlights of flame/glossy golden sunlight/deep chocolate mahogany, and her eyes were like sapphires/emeralds/rubies/amethysts or as black as the blackest night. She was not too tall or too short nor too skinny nor too heavy. She was perfectly proportioned and toned. She had a fabulous tan. She smiled shyly at the assembled students and they were momentarily blinded by her dazzling straight white teeth.
~~Readers are all violently ill by this point~~
And you could tell just by looking at her she was really nice and smart.
~~Yes, that's clearly the point they were trying to make~~
She floated gracefully, effortlessly to the front of the great hall and put on the sorting hat. Such was her beauty that that tattered, dirty old hat looked exquisite upon her head. The hat saw promptly that she had the ambition of a Slytherin, the intelligence of a Ravenclaw, the loyalty and general nicemess of a Hufflepuff, and the courage of Gryffindor. It took the longest time to sort her, and then finally cried out....
~~Want to guess? Anyone? It's a tough one.~~
"....GRYFFINDOR!"
The Gryffindors all cheer/cry/faint/throw up from sheer joy and excitement.
Next time.....Mary Sue's dark secret(s)……………………
