Wow, people actually found my silly silliness amusing….go figure. Thanks guys, it was terribly nice of you to review. For this chapter, you may direct all your anger at the IRS, since I have to do my taxes this week-end.
Chapter 3, in which the Readers are Shocked (Shocked, I tell you!) to find that Mary Sue has a dark secret.
The next morning, "Lexi" as she preferred to be called
~~Because, clearly, the author cannot remember her whole name, and cannot be bothered to go back and look at it, or to type it all again.~~
jumped out of bed happily, for she was, of course, a morning person. Of course, she didn't really need to get ready, since she woke up already looking exquisite (don't we all?). All the other girls were terribly jealous of her, but in a really admiring sort of way.
Meanwhile, Harry is sitting in the great hall and being deeply traumatized. His parents are dead, his godfather is dead, the Dursleys hate him, he's got a lifelong bad hair day, and a crazed dark wizard is out for his blood. He is very sad, angst-ridden, depressed, sullen, and angry, and yet brave and noble and self-sacrificing. He is also very hot and muscular, with lots of rippling and defined muscles.
Mary Sue..er..."Lexi" enters, in all her innocent yet sensual radiance.
Harry falls out of his chair...
"Forget saving the world and vanquishing evil....only now have I found meaning in my life!"
~~Yes, they saw her last night, but apparently every time you see Mary Sue is just like the first time.~~
The Gryffindors were too busy staring at her to actually eat, so during breakfast, Harry and Lexi instead established a deep, trusting, meaningful relationship in twenty minutes. They had some sort of deep connection, almost as thought they had been separated at birth (Note the subtle foreshadowing.)
Harry, I have to talk to you!" She said as they walked to class, in a mysterious, meaningful, and very attractive way. She drew him into an alcove.
~~Hogwart's is full of conveniently placed alcoves, obviously.~~
"Even though it's the greatest, deepest, darkest, most terrible very very biggest secret, I feel you have to know....the thing is Harry....I was abandoned when I was a baby for some reason that I can't explain because the author can't think of one....and.......(long dramatic pause)......I'm your long-lost twin!"
"But....we look nothing alike..."
"Shutup, you're making too much sense! The reason we don't look alike is I'm also the long-lost love child of Lily Evans and Tom Riddle. I'm also Draco's cousin because that shows my darker side, aren't I multi-faceted and well-developed? And I'm Dumbledore's granddaughter too, because that shows how powerful I am. And I'm Professor Lupin and Sirius Black's college roommate, Cho Chang's ex-lover, Neville Longbottom's next-door neighbor (even though I'm American), Snape's half-step-daughter, and my cousin's roommate's best friend's barber's sister had a fling with Blaise Zabini. Wow, now I'm so intertwined with all the real characters I'm practically canon!"
"I'm so confused!" Wailed Harry. "Oh woe is me!"
"You?! Oh woe is me. I was horribly abused as a child by my evil adopted family, I am so much more tortured and angst-ridden than you. And now I'm so conflicted…" She sighed. "I don't know if I'm in love with you or Ron or Draco or Oliver Wood!"
"Oliver Wood?! How did he get in the story?"
"He's hot and Scottish." She explained simply.
"And wait a minute, you can't be torn between me and Draco if I'm your twin and he's your cousin.....unless this is one of those really kinky fics...?"
"Oh......damn......"
Next Chapter.....Meet the Maurauders......
