Wow, you guys are too kind, this is ridiculously stupid stuff, but it's a way for me to get all the sarcasm out so it doesn't come out at work and get me fired.
For this chapter, all anger should be directed at people who try to get on the elevator before the other people get off.
I used the word "sexy" 13 times in this chapter, out of only 945 words. But I think many times the teenage authors, with all their raging hormones, get a little carried away with describing how attractive everyone is, which is what I was trying to capture.
Chapter 4, in which Everyone is Very Sexy
Mary Sue has slipped into a plot hole to spend some time figuring out her complicated familial relationships and figuring out who she actually can shag without it being twisted and/or illegal.
Hermione has emerged from the library and Ginny has joined the story.
~~Readers accept this because they understand from the title that it's a time-turner fic, and there have to be female canon characters for a relationship and no one can fall in love with Lily Evans because she's Harry's Mum and therefore good and pure~~
Over the summer they have both suddenly become really really beautiful and incredibly sexy. Despite being only 15 and 16 years old, they look like Victoria's Secret models, and dress like it too, since apparently Hogwart's dress code is relaxed if you're well-endowed.
Hermione has a time turner, despite the fact that she gave it back three years ago. They enter the charms classroom.
~~Author conveniently forgets Ginny is a year younger and so does not share classes with them.~~
"Hey, Hermione, let me see your time turner for no reason." Ron asks.
"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
They begin a heavily staged tug-of-war over it.
"Gee, I hope they don't accidentally break it and send us all back in time to your parent's school days." Ginny says in an aside to Harry.
~~Readers wonder if that is supposed to be more clever and subtle foreshadowing.~~
Suddenly, Ron and Hermione drop the time turner (GASP!) and they are all sucked into a swirly-whirly vortex of contrived time travel descriptions. When they all recover form their dizzyness, they are still at Hogwart's....but it looks different!
~~Oh, where could they be? Readers are quivering with anticipation. Okay, not really, Readers are rolling their eyes because they've seen it so many times.~~
Coincidentally, they have landed right in front of four boys who are completely unconcerned by the fact that people have just appeared in front of them.
"Oy, Prongs, look! Girls!" Says one of them.
~~Readers know this must be Sirius because in the fanfiction world he is a sex god who will shag anything that moves and some things that don't.~~
Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny get up and brush off their robes, and look at the four boys they have just landed in front of. One of them is very sexy and has messy hair and glasses (but not the geeky sort of glasses, the damn sexy sort of glasses) and is very muscular.
"Hey!" One of them points at Harry. "You look just like James except you have green eyes and are slightly disfigured."
Although this ought to be quite shocking, they are not at all concerned and it's not mentioned again.
~~Author really wants to get back to describing the Marauders in all their delicious sexiness.~~
There was another boy who had black hair and eyes and was really really hot. Hot. Extremely sexy. Damn, was he ever hott.
~~Author does not have a very large vocabulary and is having trouble expressing herself here.~~
The third boy had brown hair and eyes and looked very tired and smart, but in a very sexy sort of way.
And the last one was not hot or sexy at all, but short and chubby and decidedly unattractive because we all know what he's going to do in the future and hate him for it, the slimy little traitor.
~~The Author doesn't like him so he disappears.~~
Now everyone is standing around and admiring how extremely attractive they all are.
"So, where did you all come from?" This is asked by Remus, who is the smart one (though still very sexy) and knows people don't often appear out of thin air.
"We're new." Says Hermione, who is also very smart, and has figured out what has happened. "I'm Hermione Granger, this is Ron and Ginny, and Harry….uh….Harry."
They all seem to accept this explanation even though there are too many holes in it to be listed here.
"I'm James Potter, this is Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin, and uh….(looks around for Peter)….that's it."
"Wow, we went back in time!" Ron has just figured it out, and the author thought she should state it explicitly for her very dim readers.
A very beautiful (and sexy) girl with red hair comes up, she is accompanied by two other perfect girls who look strangely like idealized versions of the author and her best friend.
"I'm Lily Evans and these are my two friends who, despite our living in the late-70's, have ridiculously trendy names. I hate you Potter."
"I hate you too!" James suddenly looks confused. "No, wait….I love you!"
"I love you too!"
They snog. Other characters talk amongst themselves, examine their manicures, whip out small pocket mirrors to make sure they're still hot.
"I hate you Potter!" Lily slaps him and walked away in a huff. The ridiculously trendy name girls giggle and wave at Sirius and Remus before following.
"Um…" Hermione is hesitant to mention something logical. "Maybe, since we've time traveled and all, we should go see Dumbledore."
"But doesn't anyone want to shag me first?" Demands Sirius, in ( all together now…) a very sexy way.
Next Chapter…..Dumbledore is very wise……..
