I've discovered the great thing about writing a sarcastic fic, is that you get sarcastic reviewers!  You guys are hilarious!

Chapter 7, or "Harry Potter and the Insert Something Dramatic Sounding Here"

Harry is back the Dursley's for the summer. In case we have somehow forgotten, the Author reminds us that they do not, in fact, love him. In canon, this would be evidenced by their being just generally unpleasant and grossly favoring Dudley, but since that is not nearly angsty enough for our teen author, they now starve/beat/torture/abuse/perform ritual sacrifices on/make him wear high heels, and all other manner of cruel and unusual punishment.

Harry thus spends the first chapter of the fic contemplating suicide to release him from this black misery of a life, which is to show us how the author understands deep emotional suffering because her parents once grounded her for two weeks. This is all very tragic and we all feel very sorry for him.

Then one day, Uncle Vernon goes too far, probably by making some generic insulting comment about Harry's mother, and in a flash of repressed magic he obliterates their kitchen, causing much speculation amongst the neighbors.

"Bloody Hell!" Exclaims Harry, in some badly-written-trying-to-sound-British dialog. "I didn't know I could do wandless magic!"

"Yeah, I actually did, I just forgot to tell you." Said Dumbledore, who has appeared out of nowhere.

"Is there anything else I should know Headmaster?"

"Wellllll, now that you mention it actually, there are some other things I should mention....Let's go chat in my office."

They apparate (never mind that 1.) Harry can't apparate and 2.) You can't apparate on Hogwart's grounds) to Dumbledore's office (insert description of Dumbledore's office blatantly plagiarized from the book).

"Have a seat Harry.  Now where did I put that list of "important secrets I need to tell Harry but will not tell him until I'm forced to because I enjoy watching him fumble around trying to figure things out on his own."  Ah yes, here it is."  Dumbledore pulls out a piece of parchment six feet long.  "Now let's see.  You figured out the wandless magic one on your own, well done."  He crosses one thing off the list.  "Hm, well, moving on then.  I did not tell you this before because I thought it might be too great a burden for you, but Harry, you are the descendant of Godric Gryffindor!"

Harry gasps.

"And by the by, you are also the descendant of Salazar Slytherin, Merlin, Darth Vader, and Strom Thurmond.  This means you are a very powerful wizard Harry."

"Yeah, the defeating Voldemort five times didn't clue you in to that?"

"The point is Harry, that in order to fulfill your destiny and save the world from becoming a barren wasteland of misery, you must first receive special training in the ancient arts of specialus magicus."

"What's that?"

"Well, it's special magic, that's just the teenage author's way of making it sound latin or something."

"Are you going to teach me?"

"Don be silly Harry!  Why would I, the greatest and most powerful wizard of our age, teach you?  Obviously, this is a perfect opportunity for the author to introduce an OC.  Harry, I'd like you to meet some mysterious woman with a dark mysterious past who has a long exotic foreign name, but we will just call her "Adult Mary Sue."

Unfortunately, adult Mary Sue is very busy with another fic in which she and Snape have snarky arguments laced with sexual tension. 

Despite this, Harry manages to refine his wandless magic, become an animagus (his animagus form in a Phoenix, obviously), learn to apparate even on Hogwart's grounds, perfect his legilimency and occulmency, learn all the unforgiveable curses, become a martial arts expert, pass a college level economics course, etcetera etcetera etcetera etcetera and so on and so on and so on.   Basically, you name it, he can do it.

When school starts again, Ron and Hermione are so happy to see Harry again, but of course he is too humble to tell them about his astounding new powers.

One day he develops a plan, and goes to Dumbledore's office.  "Sir?  I think I'm going to go defeat Voldemort now, since I'm all powerful, and then fall in love with Ginny.  Sound all right?"

"Oh good."  Agrees Dumbledore.  "I'm getting tired of this fic anyway."

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Next Chapter will be either "really stupid pairing because a prophecy says so" or "Sirius-remus slash with a side of draco-harry".  I haven't decided.