I'd like to think the people who read this fic have a healthy sense of humor, but please note this chapter is going to be about slash fics.  If that's going to offend you, don't read. 

The sad thing is that many slash fics are quite well written (citygirl looks down, shuffles feet nervously, blushes…yeah, I read them…I read anything that stands still long enough…how else do you think I know about all these bad fics?)

The title is courtesy of Relly, who used that exact phrase in a review and made me spray my monitor with diet pepsi.  She didn't leave an e-mail so I couldn't ask if I could quote her word-for-word, but I just couldn't say it better myself.

Chapter 8 or "Slash as written by 14-yr-old girls who have no clear idea about the male anatomy and absolutely NO clue how two guys might end up shagging"

The required slash disclaimer:  This is slash, that means romantic relationships between people of the same sex (as if readers could not figure this out from the summary which clearly states that the fic is about a romantic relationship between two men)

~~For those of you who think this is racy, you have obviously never accidentally followed a link to "adultfanfiction.com"……uh, not that I have…..I've just heard…from a "friend"…uh, yeah…~~

After Harry's fourth year, Sirius went to "alert the old crowd" to Voldemort's return, which any good slash writers knows really means "go shag Lupin senseless".  So he went to "lie low at Lupin's for awhile" (If you missed the double entendre there, you are not thinking dirty enough.)  Sirius arrived at Lupin's looking dead sexy despite the fact that he has been living in a cave and eating rats for the past year. They have a very awkward conversation, where the author is not even remotely subtle about making the point that IT IS AWKWARD BECAUSE THEY USED TO BE LOVERS and in case you missed the subtle hints THEY USED TO BE LOVERS!

They may actually discuss something relevant to the books, like Harry Potter or Lord Voldemort, but this is really just an excuse for them to surreptitiously shoot longing gazes at each other when the other is not looking.

*****Obligatory Marauder Flashback to sometime in their 5-7th year*****

Remus was sitting in the common room, reading, because that is what he always does.  He is very angsty, not only because he is a werewolf, but also because he has realized he is gay and has feelings for his best friend.  He is quite sure that Sirius could never return his feelings, despite the repressed sexual tension between them.

Sirius is also quite angsty, but in a more carefree and ADHD sort of way.  He has secretly been in love with Remus for a long time, but he knows that his feelings could never be reciprocated because he's quite sure Remus is straight, even though he is always trying to "wrestle" (ahem, coughcough) with him.

James, of course, is straight because he is going to end up with Lily.  Despite the fact that it is the late 70's, he is totally accepting and even supportive of the fact that his best friends are gay.  There may even be a humorous sub-plot where he and Lily try to get them together.   Homosexuality is totally socially acceptable in the British wizarding world in the late 70's despite the fact that 30 years later in the United States muggle world the Bush Administration is so homophobic they're wasting their time on a marriage amendment instead of worrying about the WAR they're stuck in.

~~A political agenda?  Me?  Of course not!~~

Finally, Remus and Sirius find themselves alone together in the common room one night when they can't sleep because they are so distressed by their hidden emotions.  One of them, usually Remus, finally confesses his love and then turns away dramatically, expecting Sirius to be horrified.  Instead, Sirius confesses his love as well! 

~~Readers go "awww"~~

They kiss, and all of Hogwart's is totally okay with the whole homosexuality thing.

*****End obligatory Marauder flashback*****

Sirius and Remus spend several days acting very awkward, because they are not sure if the other still has the same feelings after all these years, blah blah blah, and much angst ensues.  In order to express their inner angst, Sirius will be moodier than a pregnant woman (which we all forgive because he is tortured and traumatized after Azkaban) and Remus will be totally calm on the outside but any good slash writer know he is secretly tortured and traumatized by being a werewolf.  Finally one night they run into each other in the hallway when Sirius has just come from taking a shower and is wearing only a towel.

~~All slash stories must, without exception, feature someone dressed only in a towel~~

So that the towel can conveniently fall.

~~Young writer giggles and blushes~~

There is a dramatic climax (ahem…no, I'm not even going to swing at that one, it's too easy) in which they FINALLY can no longer overcome their passionate feelings of desire.  They confess their continuing love for each other.  They snog, and the scene fades out because the author is not really comfortable writing guys shagging because she's not quite sure how it works, but we all know that that's what happens next.

A few days later…….

Remus and Sirius have gone from tortured, angsty, barely functioning middle aged guys to the picture of domestic bliss.  They engage in many unfortunate gay stereotype behaviors (i.e. discussing fashion). 

They are engaged in a badly written snogging scene in the kitchen when suddenly…..Harry comes in.

~~How did he get there?  Why is he not in school?  Doesn't matter.~~

"Uh, what are you guys doing?"

"Well, er, Remus had something is his eye…and, I was uh…trying to help him get it out…uh….yeah…."

"Why do you need to sit on his lap and grab his ass for that?"

"Harry, did you need something?"

"Oh, uh, well…."  Harry shuffles his feet, bites his nails, wrings his hands, engages in other behaviors that indicate extreme nervousness.  "I just had to talk to someone…I didn't know who else to go to…because…"  He throws himself into a chair weeping dramatically.  "…I'm in love with Draco Malfoy!  Oh woe is me!"

"Is that all?  I thought it was something serious."

"This is serious!"  Harry insists through racking sobs.  "I can't go on living without him!  He's my soul mate!  My other half!  He's the peanut butter to my jelly!"

"Uh, that's a beautiful analogy Harry, but…."

"And I know he can never return my feelings…"  Wails Harry.

"Now, that's not true Harry.  I mean, seriously, have you seen Draco?  He's obviously gay, there are rainbow colored flames shooting off that kid.  Besides Harry, there was a time when I thought Remus could never return my feelings, and now…"

"You mean…wait…you guys…are?"

~~And Harry is not even slightly uncomfortable with the fact that his Godfather and former teacher are shagging~~

Cop-out ending because citygirl has a short attention span and is getting bored with this:  Sirius and Remus take a trip to Massachusetts and get married, Harry manages to ensnare the heart of Malfoy, Ron gets together with Dean, Percy gets with Oliver Wood (who's hot and Scottish, the perfect combination…),  Snape gets together with Filch, Dumbledore and Moody hook up, and all the women in the Harry Potter series are just screwed, in the figurative and not literal sense.

_______________

Next Chapter- Well, an astute reader has pointed out that there has been very little of the fabulous Snape, so the next chapter will be either Snape-Hermione, or "Harry is being abused and has to go live with Snape for the summer and they bond", depending on my mood.  All your suggestions are great, I will get to them, it seems the possibilities for mockery are endless…..