Hello Darlings! Ye Gods, I cannot believe the number of reviews! I was not expecting this fic to fare so well. I was expecting more of a "this girl actually thinks she's funny?" reaction.  Needless to say, I am delighted, though surprised.

Welcome to the Snape/Hermione fic! I have actually read some good Snape/Hermione fics, but that does not mean I in any way condone educators shagging their underage students (although I did have this one really hot social studies teacher once.......)

Chapter 10, or "Professor Snape, Are You Trying to Seduce Me?"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione are back at Hogwart's for their seventh year (it has to be their seventh year because Hermione is then closer to being of age and it is somehow less offensive that she is going to shag someone old enough to be her father), and are in their first potions class of the year.  Despite the evil shadow of an evil overlord trying to take over the world with evil, their biggest concern is that Snape might be mean to them.

Snape enters and scowls, glares, sneers, and just looks generally unpleasant.

"Weasley, you blinked!  One thousand points from Gryffindor."  He snaps.  "And one thousand points to Slytherin for not blinking Malfoy."

Malfoy blinks.

"What a bastard."  Says Ron.

"Yeah."  Agrees Harry.

"Gawd, he is so dreamy."  Replies Hermione.  Then she remembers that she has not yet at this point in the fic told Harry and Ron that she loves Snape.  "I mean, in a really bastard-like kind of way."

She hates lying to her friends about her true feelings, but how can she tell them that despite the fact that Snape has never treated her with anything but contempt and loathing, she feels strangely drawn to him.

She knows that he is a spy for Dumbledore.  In fact, for a spy, a surprising number of people know he is a spy, which brings one to wonder if he is a very good spy?  He is looking very ill because of all the agonizing pain from all the agonizing torture inflicted by Voldemort the previous night, and Hermione is flooded with anguish

~~That's a really good angst word- "anguish", I shall make a mental note to use it more~~

for him.  Nobody else notices.

After class, Hermione stays late to ask Professor Snape a question.

"Sir, even though I am actually quite intelligent, possibly the smartest student in the entire school, I really thinking you should take time out of your being an International Man of Mystery to give me extra help in potions."

"So that we can bond over our mutually tragic childhoods and fall in love?  Hm, how does eight on Thursday work for you?"

They gaze into each other's eyes, and Hermione is drawn into their dark depths of black darkness.  Then in an uncharacteristic melodramatic fit of drama, she runs from the room, weeping.

The next day, Snape comes into the Great Hall looking dead sexy.  Because this is not the canon Snape we all know…..this is…..Snape, Severus Snape, Slytherin sex-god and star of smutty fanfics. (Damn, that was some fine use of alliteration)

At eight on Thursday, Hermione nervously makes her way down to the dungeon where many simmering cauldrons set an appropriately sexy mood.  She and Snape discuss many complicated potions-related things, and they develop a mutual respect for the other's great intelligence.  At one point Snape "accidentally" "brushes" up against her and feels a "tingle of electricity".

"You know, you're really not a sadistic bastard."  Says Hermione timidly.

"No, I'm just acting out because I was horribly abused in my childhood and then horribly abused at school, and now I'm still being horribly abused by Voldemort."

"Well, since I have to have some tragic sob-story so that we can both have to comfort each other, I was terribly abused as a child and over the summer Voldemort killed my parents."

~~This is the first readers have heard about the dead parents.  Obviously a tiny detail like that is not something she would share with her best friends or anything~~

Hermione bursts into tears over her dead parents, and Severus (who used to be "Snape" but now the author has decided we are on first name terms with him) holds her while she cries, whispering comforting things to her in a silky, seductive voice……oh wait no, that's the voice he's going to use later when he's trying to get her into bed….whispering things to her in a comforting voice.

~~It can only get worse from here people.  Readers with weak stomachs are advised to go watch "The Bachelor"~~

The next day Hermione sits in the very front of the potions class, where Severus cannot help but notice her long glossy, honey-colored hair…

~~cough Americancousin cough~~

Her lovely flawless skin, her chocolate/cinnamon/cocoa/nutmeg colored eyes.

~~Oddly enough, while Draco's eyes are always temperatures, Hermione's eyes are always food-related~~

Later that night in the common room, Hermione tells Harry and Ron about her overwhelming, life changing, undying love for Snape.  They have a Very Tense Confrontation (Insert "Very Tense Confrontation" here.)

Hermione runs from the common room to the library.

~~Do you see what's coming?  Honestly, that library sees so much action it's amazing you don't need reservations~~

She runs to the library and hides in the "Contrived Plot Devices" section.  Of course, one wonders why she bothers to hide since she is weeping so loudly.  Of course, she is discovered by Snape, who is there picking up Having an Illicit Affair with Your Underage Student for Dummies

"Hermione, is something wrong?"  He asks a stupidly obvious question.

"I just had a Very Tense Confrontation with Harry and Ron because I told them I loved you."

"Oh Hermione, my love, my darling, my sweet, my angel, my reason-for-living….I….I…I love you too!"

They snog passionately.

Snape pulls away.  "But alas!  There needs to be even more angst in this fic!  So we must deny our love for one another!  You are my student!  I must not give in to my desires!  I must be noble!  I must leave you!  I must speak in a series of exclamations!"

"Oh no Sevvie!  Please don't leave me!"

"My love, I must, for I am cursed by the dark mark and shall not taint your innocence."

He leaves.

Hermione goes back to the common room, where Harry and Ron have forgotten about the Very Tense Confrontation and are now being Very Supportive Friends, who are Very Outraged that Snape has rejected her.

Over the next few days, Hermione weeps a lot, and Gryffindor loses billions of points, because that is how Snape takes out his frustrations.  Finally, Hermione gathers her courage and goes to Snape's private quarters.  He answers the door wearing something wildly inappropriate, like silk boxers, despite the fact that he lives in a school so logic suggests the odds are pretty high his visitor is a student.

**This scene has been deleted in keeping with this fic's rating.  I can assure you in a real Snape/Hermione fic it would be described in nauseating detail with the sort of vocabulary that can only be found in smutty romances.  Suffice to say it is very deep and meaningful and Hermione probably weeps.**

The next day, the students notice a huge difference in Snape's demeanor.  "Malfoy, five thousand points from Slytherin for having a bad hairstyle.  Miss Granger, five billion points to Gryffindor for doing the potions teacher."

We learn that not only in Dumbledore okay with the teacher-student relationship, but he has actually been cheering for it from the beginning, because Hermione is meant to save Snape from the darkness in his own soul or somesuch.

Of course, all is not well for our lovers, because Lucius Malfoy must kidnap Hermione for No Particular Reason.  Being as completely OOC as she is in this fic, Hermione does nothing to help herself but instead is the damsel in distress, waiting for a big strong man to rescue her.  Of course Severus sweeps in and rescues her from Voldemort's clutches and certain death.

Thus, Snape is forced to give up his role as a spy, but despite him being a target of every Death Eater in the world, they still manage to live happily ever after.  Harry and Ron, because they are Very Supportive Friends, will develop a "grudging respect" for him.  Hermione will get a job teaching whatever class she wants because the person currently teaching it will conveniently either die or retire to go look after an ailing relative.  They will have children that Snape will dote on despite the fact that he seems to despise children.

_____________

Coming Attractions:

Next on the chopping block will be a Snape "Harry, I am your faaaaather" fic. I think. Of course, I reserve the right to change my mind if I feel like it.

And things people have asked about:

Crossovers: I actually only read Harry Potter fanfiction. I'm sure I could make-up some LOTR stuff (I did see the movies) or make-up some anime stuff (my one anime experience was watching something after like 6 pints so it's pretty foggy and I don't even remember the name of it, and no, it was not the "mature" anime), but I don't know enough about it to make it funny.

Truth Or Dare:  I know this is a totally over-used plot device, it has been my policy not to read anything with "truth-or-dare" in the summary.  I have to go back and look at some before I can mock it.