There is an endless abyss of misery otherwise known as my job.  I actually got a promotion right before I started writing this fic, and now, in a truly bizarre twist, they seem to expect me to work?!  I'm doing lots of really grown-up things like "bringing work home" and "staying late at the office".  So my updates will be slower.  I'm sorry.  Please don't be mad.  I still love you all….sniff sniff……..

As far as I can tell from reading them, these fics come in 2 varieties, which are: "Lily-is-a-slut-and-had-an-affair-with-Snape-and-possibly-others" and "Snape-took-polyjuice-potion-and-looked-like-James-and-shagged-Lily-without-her-knowing". I'm going to go with the first, because the second is just too icky.

Chapter 11, In Which a Father And Son Are Reunited

Harry is back at the Dursley's for the summer and instead of being a boring and predictable suburban family, they are pure evil and subject him to regular beatings and starve him and Uncle Vernon (and sometimes Dudley too) discovers his long-repressed fetish for skinny sixteen year old boys and does horrible unmentionable things to him.  There is then one big climactic abuse scene where Uncle Vernon loses his temper and nearly kills poor Harry, and then locks him in a closet.

~~This is meant to make the readers feel pity for him but it really just makes them feel slightly sick~~

Harry is very traumatized but also very noble and long-suffering and does not tell anyone about his horrible abuse, just accepts that he is going to die, and instead stares wistfully out the window, or he would, but there is no window in the tiny, dirty, windowless, airless closet they keep him locked in.

"I am far too noble and long-suffering to actually tell anyone that I am being horribly abused, but I sure do wish someone would rescue me."  Says Harry wistfully.  "I just hope I don't get rescued by Snape, because he says very sarcastic things, and obviously I greatly prefer being beaten, starved, raped, and dying slowly and painfully to having someone say mean things."

Although one would think members of the Order would be looking after him, since he is in more danger than ever from Voldemort, and because they said so at the end of Book Five.  Apparently they forgot.

Snape strolls into Number 4 Privet Drive for No Particular Reason.  He sneers at the Dursleys and they all faint promptly because he is intimidating.

He frees Harry from his closet and Harry throws his arms around him, or he would except that he is too weak from all the starvation and weighs only 20 pounds.

"Potter, this is not an HP/SS slash fic!"  He sneers, but he is secretly outraged, and has some deep introspective flashbacks to his own childhood abuse.

"Oh, right, sorry.  I hate you."

"I hate you too, despite the fact that I feel a strange paternal connection to you.  You have to stay with me for the summer."

"You?  Why can't I stay with someone else?  What about Dumbledore?"

"Fanfiction authors seem to think he's having a raging affair with McGonagall."

"Geez, there was a mental picture I didn't need.  Why can't I stay with the Weasleys?  Or the Order?"

"Because then we won't be able to bond and discover our mysterious father-son connection.  Now can we get on with the fic please?"

They go to Snape's big-fancy-evil Manor House of Ancient Evilness.

"Wow, your family was really evil."

"Yes, that's why I'm such a bastard.  I am deeply tortured and traumatized by my evil family who forced me to do horrible things like serve Voldemort and torture fluffy little kittens.  Good thing I had that affair with Lily Evans, Goddess Of All That Is Good And Pure, to bring me back from the dark side."

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, I mean…uh…just kidding.  Quick, tell me how tortured and abused you are!"

Harry soulfully pours out his tale of woe- his parents are dead and the Dursleys have horribly abused him and he didn't get a girlfriend until he was 15.  Snape feels a great deal of pity for him, and Harry feels a great deal of pity for Snape.  There is much pity.

~~Readers are getting tired of all the pity, they think maybe they should go read a Snape/Sirius slash fic~~

One day, Harry is wandering around Snape's bigfancyevil Manor House of Ancient Evilness, and he comes across….a pensieve.

"Wow, since I have no respect for other's privacy, and it's not like Snape got mad the last time I looked in his pensieve, I think I'll look in it."

***Flashback To Exactly Nine Months Before Harry Was Born***

Lily Evans is home alone feeling neglected by her sickeningly perfect husband who she really really loves even though she has had affairs with all his friends, and possibly Voldemort too.  James is off doing something incredibly noble that involves vanquishing evil.  She is wearing a very sexy negligee.

~~I know that's what I always wear when I'm alone and pitying myself~~

Snape enters.

"Severus, what are you doing here?"  She gasps.

"Despite the fact that there is no canon evidence to support it, I have always been completely in love with you to the point of obsession!"

"Even though I don't love you, I still might shag you so that my already emotionally screwed up kid can learn about his true parentage when he turns sixteen…..No, but we mustn't!"  She makes a few token protests so we don't think she's a complete slut, but we all know they're going to shag anyway.

They tear each others' clothes off and have one night of burning passion which is described in many bad metaphors.

"I'm a changed man!  I'm going to turn good and become a spy for Dumbledore."

"Wow."  Lily gives herself a pat on the back.  "Who knew I was so good in bed!"

When Harry is born nine months to the day later, it doesn't even occur to Snape that he might be that father. 

~~Apparently for being a potions genius and all around smart guy, he has absolutely no understanding of "where babies come from"~~

Lily, terrified that someone will discover the real father of her child, puts a charm on him to make him look exactly like James, but it will stop working on the day he turns 16, just because Lily apparently gets her kicks from mucking up her son's already screwed up life.

***End Flashback***

Harry is very confused by what he has seen.

~~I'm not sure what he's confused about, seems pretty straightforward to me~~

He and Snape continue to act snarky and yet bond, basically through a long, ongoing game of "Who Had The Most Tragic Childhood?"

Harry's sixteenth birthday comes.  He gets up in the morning, and looks in the mirror, and-

"Bloody Hell!"  He exclaims.  Overnight, he has gone from looking like himself, to looking like Mini-Snape.  His hair has gone greasy and his nose has changed shape entirely, and he is taller and thinner and paler.  He is SHOCKED!

Dumbledore has conveniently arrived to help them figure out this puzzling development. They go to his office because that is where all the "big secrets" are revealed.

"Harry, Professor Snape is..............(long dramatic pause)................... ............... ....................... ....................... .................Your real father!"

"I don't believe you!"  He gasps in outrage.

"It's true Harry."  Says Snape.  "I loved your mother, she was beautiful and perfect and divine…and also, she was easy."

Immediately, the previous five years of absolute hatred are forgotten.

"I love you. Let's hug. Can I call you Daddy now?"

"Of course you can....son!" He ruffles Harry's hair.

~~Readers are sick~~

And on that note, I'm going to have to end this one because I ran out of motivation.

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For my next trick- One that I'm surprised nobody has mentioned:  The Lily/James love/hate fic.

I have, as instructed, been trying to read some "truth or dare" fics, and I have to tell you people....It's just too hard. If anyone can recommend a truth or dare fic that isn't  "so bad it makes me want to gouge out my eyes with a ball-point pen rather than continue reading it"  I'd be most appreciative.