Alas, I too was hit with the Sasser worm, which is why I have been longer than usual in updating. I now have Norton, 2 spyware killing programs, 2 adware killing programs, firewalls like the freaking Pentagon, and I'm still having problems. Computers. Why?
Enough whining, thanks are in order:
-Everyone who reviewed. You guys rock my socks in a major way.
-Those who congratulated me on my promotion. Although I did not get a raise with it, so it's really just more work. Hm.
-Wiccan PussyKat, who introduced me to the word "Squick", my new favorite word.
-The person who sent me an IM last Thursday afternoon telling me they liked the story. You cheered up a very stressful day. I apologize for promising an update over the week-end, I would have made good on that if not for the computer problems. Blame Microsoft (which is also just a good rule for life.)
This is the L/J fic. I have left out the cliché where Lily is a goth/punk/whatever. There are only so many clichés I can handle per fic.
Chapter 12, or "I Hate You, Let's Snog"
James Potter is on the Hogwart's Express with his two best friends Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, and that other guy who everyone hates because we all know he's going to betray them like the dirty little rat that he is. The author projects her own feelings and explains that they all actually hate him which makes it rather unlikely that they trusted him with their lives.
~~Author ignores this "minor" canon detail without which the whole canon storyline would not exist~~
"I am so excited that we are going back to Hogwart's for our sixth or seventh year. I'm so excited to be head boy. I can't wait until Lily Evans sees my studly new muscles." James says, flexing.
"You talk about Lily Evans too much. You should just shag everything in a skirt like me, the Gryffindor sex god." Says Sirius, but in such an unbelievably sexy and charming way that we don't really care that he's kind of a slut because we love him. He smiles at a passing girl, who promptly faints.
"Say what you will my friend, but I don't think I'm going to take advice on women from someone who has as many slash fics written about them as you. Now back to me. I can't believe Lily Evans doesn't love me. Especially when I am a sickeningly nice guy all the time except when she is around. It's odd how I seem to have a split personality."
"That's how the fanfiction authors reconcile the fact that they love you with the fact that the only time we saw you in Book 5 you behaved like a complete asshole." Says Remus, the smart one.
They all leave their compartment purely for the purpose of running into Lily Evans and her friends. Said friends have trendy names taken from "The Complete Catalogue of Mary Sue Names". They shall henceforth be referred to as Mary Sue #1 and Mary Sue #2. They are perfect and exist purely for the purpose of hooking up with Sirius and Remus. One of them might be Arabella Figg if the fic is pre-OOtP or if the author doesn't really give a damn about accuracy.
Lily Evans has gotten a make-over from her American cousin (Gods, I am sick of typing that, can we just assume it is a feature in every single fic ever?), who introduced her to the wonderful world of the push-up bra. She tosses her lovely, shining, elegant, beautiful, sexy, coppery auburn curls and bats her lovely mesmerizing emerald green eyes. Don't worry if you missed part of that description, it will be repeated no less than three times in every single chapter.
"I hate you for absolutely no rational reason Potter."
"I love you. I'm sexy. Please date me."
"No, I won't date you, and I definitely won't marry you and have your children."
"Damn, I'm going to go torture someone less popular than myself in retaliation."
They go off to find Snape, who sneers and says unpleasant things about mudbloods.
~~He acts kind of like canon Draco, except that he's not as sexy and lacks the legions of teenage girls lusting after him~~
For the next ten chapters, James plays funny pranks on Lily that involve her knickers.
Lily retaliates by turning his hair pink.
~~These were probably funny back in the early days of fanfiction when the first fanfics were created, but now readers just wonder if all the authors are too lazy to come up with new pranks~~
There are brief mentions of the minor character subplots, which are as follows: For some reason, although it is the late 70's, all of the other characters engage in typical 2004 teen behavior, so while Lily and James are playing unoriginal pranks, they are listening to Linkin Park on their MP3 players, chatting online, watching American Idol, and of course, shagging like it's going out of style.
Lily and James both date loads of other people and are the most desired people in the school despite the fact that most authors make James act like an arrogant jerk and Lily a bitchy ice queen. But their underlying sexual tension causes a fight in class and they both get detention (Contrived plot device #248) where for some reason the teacher always leaves them completely alone.
"I love you Evans."
"I hate you, but oh, what's this, I am feeling a moment of weakness in which I will snog you and then get irrationally angry and act like it's all your fault."
They snog, she slaps him, and runs back to her room weeping, to be comforted by the Mary Sues.
But she immediately cheers up when Dumbledore announces there is going to be a Yule Ball (Contrived plot device #316).
~~Although in canon they only had one Yule Ball in celebration of the Triwizard Tournament, in fanon they have a Yule Ball every year, as well as a Halloween Ball, a Spring Ball, a Costume Ball, a March 2nd Ball, a Tuesday Ball, A Wednesday Ball, etc etc etc.~~
Lily shows up looking dead gorgeous, in dress robes that defy the laws of physics by being at once flowing and yet form fitting. The Mary Sues look gorgeous. James looks sexy, Sirius looks sexy, Remus looks sexy. Pretty much everyone looks sexy except for the Slytherins, who look evil.
Lily is at the ball with the most-popular-guy-in-school-except-for-the-Marauders. He is probably the Ravenclaw Quidditch captain. He is definitely not a Hufflepuff because Hufflepuffs are not sexy.
But she realizes that she is secretly longing to be with someone else, and yet has NO idea who that someone might be. She leaves the ball and goes out onto a terrace to star wistfully at the moon in true bad romance fashion. Of course, James sees her leave and follows her. They have a deep, meaningful……conversation (You thought I was going to say something else, huh?). Lily begins to wonder if she has been wrong about him…..
~~Reader's think "Thank God, is it over yet?" Oh no, Dear Readers, not even close.~~
James makes an impassioned speech:
"Look, we're supposed to have another 15 chapters of angst and fighting, but since we're really the only actual canon couple, aside from Harry's brief fling with Cho in book five, everyone knows we're going to get together, so why don't we just do it now, especially because they parody writer is getting bored and still has to finish an expense report for work tomorrow!"
"James, I think I love you. Let's date!" She cries, moved by his impassioned speech.
"About freakin' time. I mean, I love you too!"
And the rest is canon………..
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Future attractions: I have not decided what I will do next. Suggestions are, as always, welcome. I have gotten a lot of suggestions to do a Fred/George or other Weasley family members smut fic. All I have to say to that is WHAT KIND OF SICK FANFICTION ARE YOU PEOPLE READING? I admit that although I consider myself well versed in the ways of bad fic, I have never seen any fics featuring Fred and George in…ummm… those positions (no pun intended).
