This is a (very short) "Hermione is adopted and is actually a pureblood" fic, because:

-I can't sleep

-I came across a fic (which shall remain nameless) with this general plot, and in the middle of pounding the floor in mirth, I thought "I must parody this!"

-So I did.

Chapter 13, in Which a Young Woman Finds her True Identity

Hermione had a very busy summer, what with the make-over she'd gotten from her American cousin, but she was really looking forward to her last year at Hogwart's, where she was going to do lots of wholesome things like study and get good grades and not have sex, because she was such a nice, studious girl.

As she had dinner with her muggle (but still very nice and pleasant) parents on the last night before term started, her father said "We're so proud of you Hermione, it's almost like you're our real daughter."

"Huh?"

"Oops, damn.  Well, we might as well tell you now, you're adopted."

"WHAT?!"

"Yes, well, we're not sure who your real parents are, but wouldn't it be funny if they were like, evil dark pureblood wizards or something?"  Her father said.

"Now don't be silly Honey."  Her mother replied.  "Just because she came to us wrapped in that "I love Voldemort" baby blanket and her first words were "Die die all filthy mudbloods die" doesn't mean anything.  That could just be a coincidence."

Hermione was angry and outraged that her parents had kept this secret from her for all these years, so she storms out of her house to return to school without saying good-bye, thus providing for lots of angst later when they are inevitably killed by Voldemort, because Hermione's parents seem to exist just to be killed by Voldemort for angst purposes.

Has anyone else noticed this?  In any fic where Hermione's parents are mentioned, they inevitably cop it

Harry and Ron try to be sympathetic, in an amusing and bumbling way for comic relief, which is how we learn that neither of them is her love interest in this fic, but Hermione pushes away her true friends because she is so confused.

When they get to Hogwart's, Hermione does what she does best- Goes to the library, determined to find out who her true parents are.  Luckily, she finds a book called Pureblood Evil Death Eaters Who are Also Hermione Granger's Real Parents.  She is appalled and horrified to discover that her real parents are actually Bellatrix Lestrange and Her Husband Whose Name Nobody Remembers/Previously Unmentioned and Even More Evil Death Eaters Who The Author Makes Up/Voldemort.

There are also fics where her parents are one or both of the Malfoys and she is Draco's half-sister/sister/long-lost twin, but (hopefully) not in the same fics where she is Draco's love interest, although sometimes the whole "you're not supposed to shag your family members" thing just completely slips the mind of the fanfic author

"Well, " Says Hermione logically.  "Since my parents are evil purebloods, I guess I'd better become a total badass and dye my hair black and wear too much eyeliner.  Oh, and I want to switch to Slytherin."

Despite the fact that you can't switch houses, Hermione does.

She no longer likes to study or read, because she's too cool for school, so she starts smoking, drinking, doing drugs, and participating in nightly Slytherin orgies.

She becomes best friends with Pansy Parkinson and they have many good times tormenting mudbloods, which Hermione has completely forgotten that she used to be.

One day Dumbledore calls her to his office for a Very Important Talk.

"Hermione, I can't help noticing some changes in you this year."

"What do you mean Sir?" 

"Well, like at dinner tonight when you tried to Avada Kedavra me?  Or the way you keep trying to kill Harry?  Or that "I wanna be a Death Eater" t-shirt you're wearing, well, I just can't help but wonder if there's something wrong.  Is there anything you'd like to tell me?"

"Of course not Sir."

"Oh good, I believe you completely, I was just making sure.  You can go back to writing "Die Mudbloods Die" and "My Blood is Purer Than Yours Ha Ha" on the walls in blood now."

"Thanks Sir."

Now, instead of being torn between her love for Harry or Ron or Oliver Wood, she is torn between her love for Draco or Boy!Blaise Zabini or Lucius Malfoy.

Do I even need to point out to all of you the sickness that is Hermione/Lucius fics?

Despite her confusing love life, Hermione still has time to study lots of Dark Magic right under the noses the combined Hogwart's faculty, so that when she graduates, she makes her Mummy and Daddy (her real pureblood Mummy and Daddy, not those adopted ones who Voldemort knocked off anyway) so proud by killing lots of mudbloods at graduation.  She becomes Voldemort's most trusted Death Eater, and eventually kills Harry and Ron and probably the rest of the Weasleys and Oliver Wood for good measure.

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I have actually tried, hard, to read some truth or dare fics.  I am kind of halfheartedly working on one, the problem being they're so funny when they're serious that the serious ones are actually funny enough to be parodies in themselves, if that make sense.  Anyway, if I get one finished and it turns out funny, it will be next, otherwise, I'll come up with something else.