6. Stir My Cauldron
"Oh, he thinks he's so good, well, I'll show him, lousy Slytherin, thinks he can just dump me, oohh, the bastard!"
Ginny Weasley listened to Hermione's tirade, sighing inwardly. She had put up with night after night of graphic descriptions of the other girl's escapades, never raising any objections, never saying, "Hermione, I really don't want to hear this!"
Ginny wondered how somebody so intelligent could be so blind.
"Look, Hermione, maybe you're better off without him?" she said when Hermione paused for breath. "I mean okay, he is the greatest shag in the school, but he's also a slimy git, and a Slytherin to boot! And he's not a natural blonde!"
Hermione looked at Ginny in surprise. "Really? How do you know that?"
"I, er, that is, he dropped his bag when he was moving in, and his shampoo fell out. It was Madame Barbara's Fortifying Shampoo, with Bleaching Potion. It's what Seamus uses to get the highlights in his hair."
"Er, how do you know what Seamus uses?"
"Ummm... I saw it in their bathroom when I was going out with Dean. It had to be Seamus's, because I know Harry, Ron, Neville and Dean don't bleach their hair!"
"Riiiiight... Okay, and how do you know Draco's the best shag in the school?"
For a moment Ginny entertained the idea of telling her the truth, but decided that "Because I've shagged every boy in the school" was something she should keep to herself. It wasn't strictly true, either: she hadn't shagged anyone below her year, and she hadn't shagged Harry or Ron. And Ron didn't count. So Ginny just said, "Because you told me, stupid!" and left it at that.
There were some things Hermione was better off not knowing.
"Hmm... well, maybe you're right. Plenty of other men out there!"
And women, thought Ginny.
"Actually," continued Hermione, "d'you know who I think is really sexy?"
Oh, here we go, thought Ginny, though she allowed herself a tiny sliver of hope.
"Professor Snape!"
For a moment Ginny thought she hadn't heard right.
"What?" she gasped.
"Oh, I've always loved his classes! I think he'd a very disturbed man underneath..."
"I'm sure he is! Come on, Hermione, Snape? I mean... if you're going to go for someone that old, surely you can do better than that? Sirius is a very disturbed man underneath, and at least he's nice!"
"Yeah, but there's something about Sevvy... Oohh, he can come and stir my cauldron, anytime!"
Ginny suppressed the urge to retch. There was just no accounting for taste.