Disclaimer: Much like the Pacific Ocean, llamas, and this computer, I own none of the Harry Potter characters, but enjoy them nonetheless.
Author's Note: In a very nice review I got yesterday, a very nice person told me to tell everyone who the characters were. I had originally intended to make my lovely little readers figure it out, by process of elimination and helpful hints I gave, but I will oblige and let you in on my secrets so that you can enjoy the story more.
Mr. Scarlet= Sirius Black
Mr. Peacock= Ron Weasley
Mr. White= Severus Snape
Professor Plum= Hermione Granger
Colonel Mustard= Luna Lovegood
Miss Green= Fleur Delacour
Cambri Wadsworth= A friendly OC owned by my buddy Marquesas.
Viktor= Viktor Krum
Hope that helps!
II.
In Which the Unknown Host's Intentions are Revealed
They left to the study, each weary of the other, especially after the reading of the mysterious letter. They sat down on the various couches and chairs, Mrs. Body entering last and sitting at the utmost back of the room. Wadsworth entered last, walking across the room to a desk with a large manila envelope on it that read- "WADSWORTH- OPEN AFTER DINNER." She opened the envelope slowly, revealing papers and pictures in varying sizes and colors, but all enclosing information about the six guests in front of her.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Wadsworth decided to cut to the chase immediately, "you all have one thing in common. You are all being blackmailed. For some time now all of you have been paying what you can afford and in some cases more than you can afford to someone who threatens to expose you and none of you know who's blackmailing you."
"Oh please," Mr. Peacock said between smokes on his cigarette, "I've never heard anything so ridiculous. Nobody could blackmail me, my life is an open book; I've never done anything wrong."
"Anyone else wish to deny it?"
The room fell deadly silent as Viktor passed out glasses of brandy.
"Very well then. Since everyone's in the same boat, there's no harm in my revealing some details, and my instructions are to do so." A silent dread the room as everyone shifted uncomfortably in their seat and took especially long swigs of brandy. "Thank you, Viktor," Wadsworth said, motioning to the door. Viktor left obediently.
"Don't you think you might spare us this humiliation?" Miss Green implored, near tears.
"I'm sorry," Wadsworth said as she began to shuffle through papers and going to Professor Plum. "Professor Plum, you were once a psychiatric doctor specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur."
"Yes," Professor Plum said, "but now I work for the United Nations."
"Then your work has not changed," Wadsworth murmured before continuing, "When you don't practice medicine at the UN, your license to practice has been lifted."
"Why?" Mr. Scarlet asked, joining Wadsworth at Professor Plum's side, "What'd she do?"
"Do you remember that mass escape of convicted Death Eaters last year?" asked Wadsworth.
"Yeah."
"You're looking at the mastermind," she looked to Professor Plum slowly.
Mr. Peacock stood to confront his past friend, "We worked for years to trap those men and you smuggle them out of the country?"
"Those were reformed men, they didn't deserve the fate that awaited them," Plum said loudly.
"They deserved every bit of what was coming to them."
"Voldemort had already punished them beyond your wildest dreams for turning on him. Did they deserve a lifetime sentence to Azkaban too?" she became more and more enraged by the second.
"Please," Wadsworth said calmly, placing a hand on Professor Plum's shoulder.
"I'm sorry," she said, sitting and taking a gulp of Miss Green's brandy.
After a moment of silence Miss Green said quietly, "I am willing to relieve you, Miss Wadsworth, that I am being blackmailed for something I didn't do."
"Me too," said Colonel Mustard.
"And me," Mr. White agreed.
"Not me," said Mr. Scarlet, leaning his elbows heavily on the desk behind him.
"You're not being blackmailed?" asked Wadsworth skeptically.
"Oh no, I'm being blackmailed all right, but I did what I'm being blackmailed for."
"What did you do?" asked Colonel Mustard quietly.
"Well," said Mr. Scarlet, formulating how best to answer the question, "to be perfectly Frank, I run a specialized hotel and bar in inner-most London which has a constant run of drag performances, in which I am their queen."
"How disgusting," Mr. White said under his breath.
"Are you making moral judgments?" asked Wadsworth, coming behind White's chair, "how then do you justify brewing illegal truth serums made from your very home and office?"
"I am a potions master at the Hogwarts School, there is nothing wrong with that."
"Not if it's publicly declared, perhaps. But if the serums are delivered in plain envelopes under the door of the men's room and then sold on the black-market without the assent or even knowledge of the Ministry, how then would you describe that transaction?"
"I'd say it stinks," combated Mr. Scarlet.
"Oh," Mr. White muttered, "how would you know, where were you in that men's room?"
"So it's true," Professor Plum pointed out delightedly.
"No, it's a vicious lie!"
"I'm sure we're all glad to hear that," Wadsworth said with a slightly menacing smile forming on her face. "But you've been paying blackmail for over a year now to keep that story out of the papers."
Mr. White stood to get away from Wadsworth and refill his glass of brandy.
"Colonel Mustard," Wadsworth turned to the girl sitting between Mr. Peacock and Mr. Scarlet on the large couch, "you've been paying the blackmailer for nearly three years, correct?"
"Yes," she said shortly.
"And is the reason not because it was nearly three years ago that our past Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge was booted from office?"
"What are you getting at?" Professor Plum asked, facing Wadsworth and glancing towards Colonel Mustard suspiciously.
"That it was not merely by chance that the entire Wizengamot voted against him in the appeal, but by a conspiratorial effort led by our own Colonel Mustard."
There was a collective gasp among the room.
"Oh, like any of you miss him," Mustard said casually, returning her fingernails. No one could argue.
"Mr. Peacock, I suppose it's your turn," Wadsworth said, sitting on the arm of the chair beside him. "You've been paying our friend the blackmailer ever since your wife died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances."
Mr. Scarlet let out a laugh.
"What's so funny?" Mr. Peacock asked, a little hurt.
"I see, that's why she was lying on her back, in her coffin."
"I didn't kill her," he stammered.
"Then why are you paying the blackmailer?" Colonel Mustard asked.
"I didn't want a scandal, did I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation. She was deranged, lunatic! She didn't seem to like me very much, she had threatened to kill me in public."
"Why would she want to kill you in public?" Mr. Scarlet asked.
"I think he meant," Wadsworth said, "She threatened in public to kill him."
"Oh," Scarlet said turning back to the red-haired man, "and was that her final word on the matter?"
"Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?"
"And yet she was the one who died, not you, Mr. Peacock, not you!" Wadsworth said, obviously enjoying every moment of this.
"What did she do for a living?" asked Mr. White, joining in on the let's-make-Mr. Peacock-uncomfortable-game.
"She was a scientist- nuclear physics," he answered.
"What was she like?" asked Colonel Mustard.
"She was always rather stupidly optimistic; I'm afraid it came as a great shock to her when she died, but she was found dead at home. Her head had been cut off and so had her..." he looked to his chest briefly, to which all the women and Mr. Scarlet crossed their arms simultaneously and glared at Mr. Peacock, who simply continued his testimony, "I had been out all night at work."
"Do you miss her?" asked Miss Green.
"Well," he answered, trying to sound sad, "it's a matter of life after death. Now that she's dead, I have a life."
"But she was not your first wife," Wadsworth said, "your former wife also disappeared."
"But that was her job," Peacock explained, "She was an illusionist."
"She never reappeared."
"She wasn't a very good illusionist."
"Oh, Peacock sweetie," Professor Plum said in a mockingly sweet voice, "I'm the one that got away alive, wasn't I?"
"What?" asked Mr. Scarlet, stunned at the inference. "You mean you two were..."
"Yes," Professor Plum answered, "we were married a little over a year- I was his first. It didn't work out, though now I'm seeing it probably would have ended much worse for me had I not that broken it off then." She smiled widely at Mr. Peacock to which he turned, bright red, away.
Miss Green suddenly stood. "I'm not going to wait for Wadsworth here to unmask me," she said, "I work as a model in Paris and have been named the national Sex Symbol three years in a row... and I'm a homosexual."
Everyone's eyes widened simultaneously and a pair of six jaws dropped to the floor.
"I feel no personal shame or guilt, but I must keep it a secret, or I will lose my modeling contract and the love of my country. Thank you," she said, sitting beside Professor Plum.
"Well," Plum said, standing quickly, "That just leaves Mrs. Body.
Everyone turned their attention to the aforementioned woman who had until now kept silent and out of attention.
"What's your little secret?" asked Mr. Scarlet, smiling attentively towards the hearty woman in the corner.
"Her secret?" Wadsworth said, "oh, haven't you guessed? She's the one who's blackmailing you all."
The six guests stood to form a wall facing Mrs. Body, who stood as well.
"You bitch!" Colonel Mustard shrieked before flying at her with her fists. It took one swing on Body's part to knock Mustard limply to the ground. The women united to create a monster catfight while the men, excluding Mr. Peacock who joined in the fray, stood back, cheering their girls on.
"Wait!" Wadsworth finally shouted, getting the attention of everyone, "the police are coming."
"What?" everyone began squealing manically.
"Blackmail depends on secrecy. You've all admitted how she's been able to blackmail you, now all you have to do is confess to the police, she'll be convicted and your troubles will be over."
"It's not so simple," the massive woman said, standing to her feet. "You'll never tell the police."
"Then I shall," Wadsworth said through the crowd of bodies, "I have evidence in my possession and this conversation is being tape recorded."
An explosion of voices broke out, some terrified that anyone would hear the tape, some wishing they had gotten a video camera in there too.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Wadsworth gained their attention once more, "the police will be here in about forty-five minutes. Tell them the truth and Mrs. Body will be behind bars."
Mrs. Body broke through the crowd to the door.
"Where are you going?" Wadsworth demanded.
"I think I can help them make up their minds, can I just get my little bag from the hall?"
She made her way to the hall and removed six small black boxes from her bag. She returned with the boxes and gave each guest one of them.
"Who can guess what's in here?" she chanted.
"The evidence against us, no doubt," Mr. White said darkly.
"We didn't know we were meeting you tonight," Mr. Scarlet said, "Did you know you were meeting us?"
"Oh yes," Mrs. Body smiled. "They're gifts, open them."
They all hesitantly returned to their seats and gingerly untied the packages and opened them. Mr. Scarlet was the first to speak.
"A candlestick?" he asked, "What's this for?"
All she could do was smile as the rest removed their 'gifts' from the packages. Miss Green held the lead pipe suspiciously, Mr. White pulled a rope out and ran his fingers along it thoughtfully, and Colonel Mustard lifted a rusty wrench from the box cautiously. Beside her, Professor Plum stared down at the revolver lying in its box before lifting it, carefully avoiding the trigger and finally Mr. Peacock staring at his small dagger awestruck.
Mrs. Body stood back, a look of cruel satisfaction emerging across her wide face.
"In your hands," she said in her ghastly voice, "you all hold a lethal weapon." She began pacing the room, eyeing each member of the group, as they continued to gaze at their appointed weapon. "If you turn me in to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. But, if one of you kills Wadsworth now, none but the seven of us will ever know." She made her way to the door and, with fingers on the light switch said, "You're only chance to avoid the front pages is to kill Wadsworth..." she gave one more smile towards Wadsworth, who now stood a bit straighter and stiffer than moments before, "NOW!"
The room went black and in one brief moment a succession of things happened. There was a gasp and thud, then a gunshot, followed by a scream. Mr. Peacock turned the lights on, revealing a very cadaverous Mrs. Body lying on the ground, face down.
"It's not Wadsworth," Miss Green said breathlessly, making her little French way to the body. Mr. Scarlet beat her.
"Stand back!" Scarlet flung himself upon the body of Mrs. Body, "Give her air!" The others stood back, forming a tight circle around the fat lady lying on the ground. After a moment of checking pulses and breath, Mr. Scarlet sat back on his haunches and stated firmly, "She's dead."
There was a collected gasp and everyone staggered a step back or began fanning themselves from the shock.
"Who had the gun?" Mr. White demanded.
"I did," Professor Plum said.
"Then you shot her," Mr. Peacock accused.
"I didn't!"
"You had the gun," Mr. Peacock continued, "If you didn't shoot her, who did?"
Everyone turned their eyes abruptly to the body, to which Professor Plum knelt and, with a severe amount of difficulty, turned the body over, revealing a clean front.
"Nobody," Professor Plum said, "Look, there's no gunshot wound. Somebody grabbed the gun from me in the dark and the gun went off. Look!" she pointed to the wall behind them, "The bullet broke that vase on the mantle!"
They all ran to inspect the wall.
"She's absolutely right," Colonel Mustard said, arriving first at the wall, "there's a bullet hole here in the wall."
"Then how did she die?" Miss Green squealed.
"I don't know," Professor Plum said, staggering out of the crowd to get air. "I'm not a forensic expert."
"Well one of us must have killed her!" Mr. Scarlet shrieked.
"Well," Miss Green assured the group, "I didn't do it."
"Oh, God, I need a drink," Mr. Peacock moved to the corner where he poured himself a glass of brandy and downed it immediately.
"Maybe she was poisoned!" Professor Plum shouted as the idea formulated by watching her friend of old.
Mr. Peacock dropped the glass in horror before screaming... and screaming and screaming. They all looked to each other, a bit embarrassed for this full-grown man, clutching the wall in terror. Finally Miss Green stepped forward to lead him to the couch.
"Mr. Peacock, please," she said taking his hand, but he continued screaming. "Mr. Peacock, sit down," she continued to try to silence him, but to no avail. "Mr. Peacock!" she finally slapped him across the face, drawing silence at last. She turned to the shocked looks on everyone's face. "I had to stop him screaming," she explained quietly.
"But," Colonel Mustard grabbed Green's shoulder's roughly, "Was the brandy poisoned?"
"I don't know," she stammered.
The group fled to the corner and Mr. Scarlet held the empty bottle high above his head- "Looks like we'll never know."
"Unless..." Miss Green looked down at the red haired man on the sofa, "Unless he dies too."
They all joined Miss Green around the couch, all mere inches from Mr. Peacock's face, surveying and studying him, until their focus was drawn from Mr. Peacock's dazed face to the screams emitting from the hall.
End Note: Please please review. I find this idea ever so interesting, and it will make me heartbroken not to get any feedback.