Disclaimer: I long to own Harry Potter just as I long to own the planet Neptune, a beanbag chair, and Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. But alas, it is not so.
Author's Note: I don't even know how to thank everybody for their feedback. Just to know that people are reading makes me feel so happy deep deep down inside my heart. I don't really have much else to say, except thank you for the suggestions; they really helped and got me thinking.
III.
In Which Mrs. Body is Dead Again
The six stood, in a panic at the screams outside their room. They ran to the door, running down the hall looking for the origin of the screams, until finding their destination at the door to the billiard room.
"It's locked," Mr. Scarlet said as he grabbed at the doorknob vehemently.
"Open up!" Miss Green shouted as she hit her lead pipe against the door, knocking loudly.
"It must be the murderer!" Mr. Peacock said fearfully.
"Why would he scream?" Colonel Mustard asked.
"He must have a victim in there," Mr. White reasoned, before realizing the options, "Oh my God, Viktor."
"Oh my God!" Colonel Mustard shrieked hysterically.
The door swung open after Viktor had unlocked it, revealing Viktor with tears streaming down his cheeks curled up on the pool table.
"You're alive!" Wadsworth gasped, relieved.
"No thanks to you," huffed the Bulgarian bitingly.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"You locked me up with the murderer, you idiot!"
"So," Mr. White asked bleakly, "the murderer is in this room?"
Viktor nodded slowly, wiping the tears from his face.
"But where?" asked Miss Green, darting her glance around the room fearfully.
"Where?" Viktor asked rhetorically, "We are all looking at him, or her. It is what Mr. Scarlet said in the study, one of you is the killer."
"How did you know we said that?" Mr. Peacock demanded.
"I was listening," Viktor said.
"Then why were you screaming in here all by yourself?" Mr. White asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I am frightened, Sir," Viktor lowered his voice as his nostrils flared in dread, "I also drank the cognac. I can't stay in here by myself."
"Come to the study with us," Mr. Scarlet said as he took Viktor's arm.
"With the murderer?" he spat.
"There is safety in numbers..." Colonel Mustard said, waving her wrench dangerously before realizing the threat it held, "my dear."
Viktor took Mr. Scarlet's arm, very worried indeed, and followed them back to the study.
Everyone took a seat, or stood warily against the wall. Miss Green looked back at the woman lying on the ground.
"Is there no indication of how she died?" Miss Green demanded.
"No," Professor Plum assured her.
It was then that Wadsworth finally entered, fuming in frustration.
"This is terrible," she stammered, "absolutely terrible. It's not what I'd intended."
"Not what you intended?" Mr. White asked, his voice rose suspiciously.
"You mean you're not the butler?" Mr. Scarlet asked, retaining his ever-unruffled composure.
"I'm not the butler," Wadsworth said, "but I am a butler. In fact, I was her butler."
"So," Professor Plum said, pointing to the body, "If she told us all to arrive at her house, why did she arrive late?"
"I invited you," Wadsworth explained, a trace of guilt stirring her voice, "I wrote the letters, it was all my idea."
"Wait a minute," Mr. Peacock stammered, "I... I don't understand. Why did you invite us here to meet your late employer; were you assisting her to blackmail us?"
"Certainly not," Wadsworth stood forcefully.
"I think you had better explain," Mr. White said, taking a seat.
"Please sit down," Wadsworth said, making her way to the front of the room. They obeyed directly. "When I told you I was Mrs. Body's butler, this was both true and misleading. I was once her butler, but it was not her untimely death this evening that brought my employment with her to an end."
"When did it come to an end?" asked Professor Plum reclining back in her chair.
"When my husband decided to end his life," Wadsworth said, holding back her tears. "He too was being blackmailed by this odious woman that now lies dead before you. She hated my husband for the same reason that he hated all of you- he believed you were all thoroughly indecent and unacceptable.
"For some reason, she thought it was inappropriate for a fine, upstanding school to have a corrupt teacher," she looked at Mr. White, "for a Colonel to take part in anti-governmental actions," Mustard shifted in her seat, "for a husband to emasculate his wife," Mr. Peacock reddened, "and," she glanced toward Miss Green, "so forth."
"It doesn't make sense. If she was so righteous and moral, why didn't she just report us to the authorities?" Colonel Mustard asked.
"She decided to put her information to good use and make a little money out of it, while punishing you herself. What could make more sense than that?"
"And what was your role in all of this?" Professor Plum asked.
"I was a victim too," she said quietly, "at least my husband was. He had friends who were..." she bit back tears, "informers to the Death Eaters."
Everyone gasped, save for Professor Plum and Mr. Scarlet who looked around tentatively.
"Well," tears rose to Wadsworth's eyes, "We all make mistakes."
Mr. White rose and pulled out a handkerchief, handing it to Wadsworth, which she took gratefully and wiped her eyes.
"But Mrs. Body threatened to give my husband's name to the Ministry unless he named them, he refused... and so she blackmailed him. We had no money and the price of his silence was that we work for him for nothing- we were slaves." She paused momentarily in thought, "Well, to make a long story short..."
"Too late," Colonel Mustard muttered, evoking an icy glare from Mr. White.
"The suicide of my husband preyed on my mind and reentered a sense of injustice in me. I resolved to put Mrs. Body behind bars. It seemed the way to do it and to free you from the same burden of blackmail was to get everyone together, confront Mrs. Body with her crimes and then, turn her over." She sighed as she completed her account.
"Solved," Professor Plum said, brushing her hair from her face, "everything is explained." Mr. Peacock nodded in agreement.
"Nothing's explained," Mr. Scarlet said, "we still don't know who killed her." Mr. Peacock shook his head in agreement.
"The point is," Wadsworth pointed out, "we've got to do it in the next thirty minutes- before the police arrive."
"My God," Mr. Peacock stood angrily, "we can't have them come here now."
"But," Colonel Mustard stood as well, walking to Wadsworth, "how are we possibly going to find out which of you did it?"
"What do you mean," Professor Plum asked, taken aback, "which of you did it?"
"Well, I didn't do it."
"Well, one of us did," Wadsworth said, walking away from the Colonel, "We all had the opportunity; we all had a motive."
"Great," Mr. Scarlet replied, "We'll all go to the chair."
"Maybe it wasn't one of us," Professor Plum pointed out.
"Who else could it have been?" Colonel Mustard inquired sarcastically.
"Who else is in the house?" Professor Plum asked sincerely.
"Only the house elf," Wadsworth answered casually, before locking eyes with Viktor who stood and said in unison with Wadsworth, "The house elf!"
The group ran to the kitchen, finding it empty. They stood in the doorway as Miss Green made her way across it, stopping in front of the refrigerator.
"Well, she's not here," she said quietly.
The door to the refrigerator creaked open slowly, revealing a small house elf crammed in, which fell into Miss Green's arms. Professor Plum screamed.
Miss Green laid the little thing down, a knife poking out of her back. Mr. Peacock, Colonel Mustard, and Mr. Scarlet joined her momentarily.
Colonel Mustard stood and turned to Wadsworth, "I think you'd better explain yourself, Wadsworth."
"Me? Why me?"
"Who would want to kill the house elf?" Miss Green asked sadly.
"Dinner wasn't that bad," Mr. Scarlet muttered.
"How can you make jokes at a time like this?" demanded the Colonel.
"It's my defense mechanism," Mr. Scarlet stood, unphased.
"Some defense," she continued angrily, "If I was the killer, I would kill you next."
They all stood back, alarmed at the statement.
"Come on," Colonel Mustard said, twitching nervously at their gaze, "I said 'if.'" When no one averted their eyes, she looked nervously for a scapegoat, "Hey, there is only one admitted killer here and it is certainly not me, it is him." She turned and pointed to Mr. Peacock.
"I've admitted nothing," he said, reddening slightly.
"Well, you've paid the blackmailer," the interrogation continued, "How many wives have you had?"
"Mine or other men's?"
"Yours."
"Five."
"Five?"
"Yes, just the five. Women should be like Kleenex- soft, strong and disposable."
"You lure women to their death like a spider with flies."
When there was no answer, Colonel Mustard looked for her next angle. "Besides, who had the knife, Mr. Peacock?" she cocked her head to the side, "It was you, wasn't it?"
"Yes," he answered, "but I put it down."
"Where?"
"On the table."
"When?"
"Before I fainted... after I fainted... I don't know. But any of you could have picked it up!" Mr. Peacock looked quite worn out from the questioning. A silence followed, in which they all turned their heads to look at the small house elf.
"Well," Wadsworth said, approaching the elf, "I suggest we put Minnie's body in the study."
"Why?" Professor Plum asked incredulously.
"I'm the butler, I like to keep the kitchen tidy."
They obliged and Wadsworth picked up the body and headed back for the study. Wadsworth, Professor Plum, and Viktor made something of a wall as they approached the study, blocking the other guests from view. They were astounded to see the ground that had housed Mrs. Body only minutes before, was now clear.
"Look!" Professor Plum said, pointing at the ground in horror. "The body's gone."
Wadsworth and Viktor gasped in surprise.
"What are you all staring at?" Mr. White asked, irritated.
"Nothing," Wadsworth answered.
"Well, who's there?" Mr. Scarlet asked from behind.
"Nobody," Viktor answered.
"What do you mean?" Miss Green demanded, at the very back.
"Nobody," Wadsworth sputtered, "No body's what we mean. Mrs. Body's body, it's gone."
"Maybe she wasn't dead," Mr. Peacock said. "We should have made sure."
"How?" Mr. White muttered, "by cutting her head off, I supposed."
"That was uncalled for."
"Where is he?" Mr. Scarlet pushed his way through to see for himself.
"We'd better look for him," Wadsworth said, dropping the elf on the ground and making his way into the room. The guests followed him, checking behind curtains, under rugs, in desks, and so forth.
"Well," Miss Green said, after checking beneath the coffee table, "she couldn't have been dead."
"She was," Mr. Scarlet said, "at least I thought she was." He loosened the collar of his shirt, "But what difference does it make now?"
"Makes quite a difference to him," answered Plum, looking through some of the papers on the desk. "Maybe there is such a thing as life after death," she mused.
"Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage," Mr. Peacock spat, more to himself than anyone.
"Maybe," Colonel Mustard approached Wadsworth with her theory, "Mrs. Body killed the house elf."
"Yes," Mr. White and Mr. Scarlet agreed in unanimity.
"How?" Wadsworth asked, seeming quite frankly amused.
"I don't know," Colonel Mustard turned and sat on the sofa.
As Professor Plum looked through the papers on the desk she stumbled on some interesting pictures of one Mr. Scarlet.
"What's this, Wadsworth?" she asked innocently.
"I'm afraid those are photographs of Mr. Scarlet in the state he referred to earlier this evening."
"Were you planning to blackmail him?" Professor Plum smiled gingerly across at Mr. Scarlet who hastily made his way across the room.
"Oh for the love of God," he muttered under his breath, not so much in embarrassment, but more out of pure irritation.
"Certainly not," Wadsworth answered Professor Plum. "I'd obtained them for Mr. Scarlet and was going to give them back once Mrs. Body was unmasked."
"Very pretty, Scarlet," Professor Plum laughed.
Colonel Mustard and Mr. White approached the photograph and studied it for a moment before Colonel Mustard said snidely, "Nobody can get into that position."
"Sure they can," Mr. White took her shoulders and moved her to the couch, "let me show you."
He straddled her, sliding her leg around his waist and bent forward slightly before Colonel Mustard said in an annoyed voice, "Get off me."
Just as Mr. White was preparing to dislodge himself from Colonel Mustard, the screams of Mr. Peacock came shrieking through the space. They looked up and, to their surprise, he was not present in the room.
They stood and ran out of the hall, seeing him at the door to the bathroom, with Mrs. Body draped across him, a candlestick set neatly on the doorframe over the bathroom.
"She's attacking him!" Professor Plum shouted as they ran to the scene.
Mrs. Body, with a very bloody cranium, fell limply to Mr. Peacock's side.
"Mrs. Body," Mr. White kneeled beside the body, "dead... again."
Mr. Peacock fanned himself with his hand, but tipped unpleasantly.
"He's going to faint," Wadsworth said, moving to him.
"Somebody catch him," suggested Miss Green, as she knelt down by the body.
"I'll catch you," Wadsworth placed herself behind him. "Fall into my arms."
Mr. Peacock fell flaccidly through Wadsworth's outstretched arms and fell back between her legs.
"Oops," she apologized, looking down at his body beneath her. She averted her attention to the now very obviously dead Mrs. Body. "Mrs. Body," she said, approaching the body and kneeling beside everyone else, "She's got new injuries," she lifted her sausage-like arm that fell to the ground with a thud. "Well, she's certainly dead now. Why would anyone want to kill her twice?"
"So unnecessary," Mr. Scarlet shook his head slowly, arms crossed.
"It's what we call overkill," Colonel Mustard said, looking down at the body.
"It's what we call psychotic," Professor Plum added, waving her hands slightly in front of her.
"Unless he wasn't dead before," Miss Green pointed out.
"What's the difference?" Mr. Scarlet exasperated loudly.
"That's what we're trying to figure out!" shrieked Wadsworth from inside the bathroom. "We're trying to figure out who killed her, and where, and with what!"
"There's no need to shout," reasoned Professor Plum calmly.
"I'm not shouting!" Wadsworth bellowed, spit flying. "Alright, I'm shouting," she approved. "I'm shouting, I'm shouting, I'm..." and she fell to the floor as the golden candlestick plummeted from its resting place, knocking Wadsworth unconscious.
End Note: Kauabunga! Maybe that's how it's spelled. Anyway, that's how I feel about this story, because it just keeps going. Our poor guests about to plunge into some more problems shortly. If you've seen the movie you know what I mean. Also, I want to apologize for not sticking to the movie exactly, what with the things they're being blackmailed for and who kills who and everything- I just tried to fit the dialogue and situations to the characters in Harry Potter, rather than keeping everything exactly like the movie. However, I will continue to write mirroring the script, because I find that fun. Hope you're enjoying and if you are (or not, I don't mind criticism) please review. Thanks!