Rating: PG13 - bad words.
Disclaimer: Again, would I be writing fanfic if I owned them?

SPOILER WARNING: This chapter is taken from Season 1. If you haven't seen all eps from this season, you will be spoiled.

I called Sara Sidle today. I needed an impartial person to look into the problems with Warrick, as well as the whole situation involving Holly's murder. Sara was the only person I could think of who could do it. I didn't want to call her. I didn't want to drag all that up again. She was in my seminar in San Francisco. From the first day, I knew she had a crush on me. Truth be told, it was kind of flattering. Here was this woman, 15 years my junior, following me around like a love-struck schoolgirl. How could it not be? Anyway, she would stay behind after everyone else had left and ask questions about the lecture. I knew she was flirting with me, but I'd ignore her obvious come-ons and answer the questions. She even tried to kiss me once. I backed away when she leaned in. I told her that I had no intention of getting into a relationship with her. I had never even entertained the thought. But I did offer her friendship. I could tell she was crushed. It took her a long time to get over it. Eventually she did, and we sort of kept in touch over the years. We did become friends, but every time we spoke, there was a strange vibe between us. I'm almost positive it's because she still has feelings for me. Sometimes I think she's convinced I feel the same way. I've told her I don't, but I'm not sure she believes me. But I do trust her. In the end, that's why I made the call.

"I knew it! I knew Sara had a thing for Grissom!" Catherine's voice was filled with vindication. "She really needs to learn to hide her feelings a little bit better."

I didn't have much of a choice though. Things have been so bad around here lately. With Holly's death and Warrick's self-destructive behavior, I had to do something. To top it all off, Jim was moved back to homicide and I was put in charge of the unit. Cath demanded to be put on Holly's case. I said no because of her personal involvement. She took the case anyway and told me to fire her. I would never do that, of course, but now things are sort of tense between us. I guess I just have to cross my fingers and hope that things work out ok...that asking Sara to come to Vegas wasn't a mistake on my part. If her being here makes the situation between Cath and me worse - if it harms what we have - it will destroy me.

"Come on, Gil." Catherine chuckled smugly. "Like I would allow a little girl like Sara to get in my way concerning anything. Including you."

Well, Cath and Sara definitely don't like each other. But that's ok. I knew they wouldn't become best friends no matter what the situation was. But they're both professionals. Things will run smoothly in the lab. Cath and I made up. She tracked down Holly's killer, but had to get a DNA sample from under her fingernails. I knew she was upset, so I met her at the morgue, just in case she needed me. She said she probably did need me, and that made me feel so good. In that moment, I knew we'd be fine.

"Things never stay bad for long. That's just the way things are between us."

Lindsey's turning six this week. I can't believe it! She's growing up so fast. I bought her a chemistry set. I'm such a geek. But I couldn't stop myself from buying it. When I showed it to Cath, she sort of had a melt down. She snapped at Sara, which didn't surprise me much. But she also snapped at Nick, and that was not like her at all. I guess Lindsey doesn't want a party this year and Cath thinks it has something to do with her. That's it's somehow her fault. She's worried that all Lindsey sees is her working, not having any fun, and that it's making her weird. That she's copying Catherine. I reassured her that if Lindsey turns out like her, that she'd be perfect. I may not have used those exact words, but it's what I meant. She thought I was only trying to make her feel better. And in a small way, I was. But God, I wish I had told her how I really feel. I should have. Cath called me later. Told me that the reason Lindsey didn't want a party was because she wanted to spend some time alone with her mother. I wanted to say 'I told you so' but I didn't. The whole thing really just made me smile.

"Me, too."

We had another major disagreement. It was awful. We are working on a case...a woman had been found dead. Wendy Barger. We eventually found out that she was having an affair. I should have pulled Cath off the case right then and there because of her personal experience with a cheating spouse. Especially when she brought up the fact that she wished someone would have told her about Ed. She meant me, of course. But I didn't reassign her. I couldn't. And it was for purely selfish reasons. I wanted to work with her, be with her. Anyway, she ended up compromising the investigation by telling the husband about the affair. I had to call her on it. I didn't have a choice. She took my comments pretty hard and took a couple of personal shots at me. She sarcastically said that she should be more like me...locked in my townhouse, alone and without any relationships. Her words stung pretty badly, so without thinking, I struck back out of hurt. I told her that I never screw up cases with personal stuff. I could tell that comment hit home. She slammed back at me by saying 'What personal stuff?' And she called me 'Grissom'...not 'Gil'. I know I winced, I felt it. But I let her walk away without saying anything. She was right. As harsh as her words were, I can't deny their truth. I don't have any personal stuff...at least that anyone knows about. Maybe someday that will be different. Thankfully, we called a truce and made up. I hope we never fight again. I'm sure we will, but I can hope. Right?

Catherine laughed lightly.

"Hope all you want, my dear Gil. But in the world the rest of us live in, the 'real world', fights are a normal part of life." She smirked. "Besides, we're so different, there's bound to be some friction...good and bad. That's what makes our situation so enjoyable."

Something sort of shocking happened though. We went to this restaurant, 'The Grill'. The night Wendy died, she and her lover had eaten there. I was familiar with the place because I had been there before. Cath asked why we were there and I commented that it was the only place within ten miles of Callville Bay that served calamari - calamari had been found in Wendy's stomach. She asked how I knew and I said that I'd been there for the calamari. Then she asked if I came alone. I made a stupid comment about not having it alone...that I sometimes had a beer with it. But thinking back, I swear it sounded like she may have been insinuating that she wanted me to take her there sometime. But that can't be possible...can it?

"Well, I wasn't trying to get a dinner out of you." Catherine smiled softly. "But I would've said yes...if you had asked."

What a mess! Eddie was accused of raping a stripper. Turns out, he didn't do it. The sex was consensual, but that wasn't the problem. Catherine took the case. I tried to talk her out of it, but she wouldn't listen. After she did the prelim, I asked her how she was feeling about the case. She responded that she didn't know what she felt. I told her to hand the case over to Warrick. I should've known better. I never should have allowed her to have any part of this case. I was worried - concerned that she might compromise the investigation because of their history. Especially after talking to her about the bruises found on the victim. She said that just because there are bruises, it doesn't mean anything. That Ed was always 'enthusiastic'. I wasn't quite sure what she meant. Warrick noticed my uncertainty and clarified by saying that Ed liked it through. The comment took me back to the days before they separated. All the nights she came to me with bruises from Ed's 'enthusiasm'. And the memory of those days made me ill. But that wasn't the only reason I didn't want her on this particular case. The main reason was that I didn't want her near Ed. I don't want her around him, especially after I asked her if she still loved him. She didn't say no. What if they had decided to get back together? That would've killed me. Thank God they didn't. I sound like a jealous boyfriend, don't I? Well, I felt like a jealous boyfriend.

"Wow. Who knew you had such a jealous streak in you, Gil." Catherine felt sort of stupid for talking out loud when there was no one there to hear her, but she couldn't seem to stop doing it.

Paul Milander is back. Damnit! I can't believe I had him all those months ago, and he tricked me! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! At least I worked with Cath on it. It made the situation easier to bear. Disco helped a lot too. He's the one who matched up the victim's voice recordings and helped us isolate the sound of paper scripts rustling in the background. I really appreciated his help, but I swear I just about ripped his eyes out of his head! The way he looked at Cath when I introduced them. It made me insane. There's no denying the fact that she's a gorgeous woman, and I can't control it when other men admire that beauty, but sometimes I wish the world was blind. That I was the only one who could see her.

"How sweet." She smiled. "I can't even imagine what this journal would say if we had been friends when I was dancing. It might have gotten ugly."

We had a pretty disturbing case this week. I'm still a little uneasy about the outcome. A mob killed a man on an airplane. A man who was sick and couldn't control his actions. It was sad. And to make things even worse, Sara was at it again. Flirting with me the entire time we were going over the interior of the plane. Trying to bait me by bringing up the fact that she is a member of the 'mile high club'. I'm not sure what she was trying to do. Get me to ask if she could make me a member? Right. Don't think so. The only woman I want to have sex with is Catherine. In a plane bathroom, a car, a bed...I don't care where as long as it's with her. Anyway, the passengers weren't cooperating completely, but I needed their shoes to run a test. Since Catherine was the one working with them, I asked her to get them for me. She's more of a people person than I am, but according to her, that didn't matter to these people. I said please and tried to be as flirty as I could - I even made a pretty sad attempt at puppy dog eyes. I felt pretty stupid and she looked at me like I was nuts, but she relented and got the shoes.

"Ugh. Gris and Sara? The mile-high club?" Catherine gagged and shook her head to dislodge the image. "Make me puke."

I found out that Warrick has been in the casinos again. Sara brought me a tape...all the proof I needed. Today when I was handing out assignments, Cath asked what I was going to do about the situation. I told her I didn't know. As she was leaving the room, she touched me on the shoulder. I guess she was trying to show me her support, no matter what decision I made. It didn't matter why she did it, all I cared about is the fact that she touched me. Sara had to ruin the moment for me by getting on my case about Warrick. The fact that she had filed her report and corresponding recommendations. I wished she would've left it alone. Her opinion on the matter was not going to affect my decision. I assigned him to work on her case. She was a little pissed off at me. She barged in and started on me with both barrels blazing. She demanded that I take him off the case, which I didn't do. Thank God Catherine popped in and interrupted us. She told me she had something I'd want to see. Does she ever! But that has nothing to do with work. She had found a clue that lead us to figure out that five women had been murdered along I-15. It turned out a trucker and his girlfriend were luring women into the semi and killing them. They were keeping the bodies frozen in the back of it. It was pretty sick. We found the most recently abducted woman alive because the girlfriend rolled over and told us where she was. We were so relieved. It's not like we find people alive very often. After the case was closed, I asked Cath to come over so I could make breakfast. To celebrate. Her lead was the one that broke the case, after all. I'm so proud of her! She accepted my invitation. We sat, ate omelets and laughed. It was a great day!

"I could go for a famous 'Grissom omelet right about now," Catherine mussed, her stomach growling in agreement.

Why does Cath feel the need to torture me? She leans over me to get my attention. She does it all the time. Leans in so close that I can smell her soft perfume, her hair, and even her soap. Bends over so far that I can see right down her shirt. Jesus! When she did it today, the thought crossed my mind to just grab her and kiss her. But I didn't. It's actually a good thing that I didn't because the rest of the staff was behind her. I was so flustered that I hadn't noticed them standing there. I had to assign Cath to a different case than mine. I didn't think I'd be able to get any work done with her around. I wonder if she does this to me on purpose?

Catherine just smirked and kept reading.

I found out that Cath always expects the worst in most situations. She told me it's because if she expects the worst, she's never disappointed...and sometimes is nicely surprised. I wonder how she got that way. Her childhood? Her marriage? Maybe someday I'll ask her. I really grossed her out during our investigation. It was great! We were searching for bones in the desert and I found a small piece of what could've been one. To make sure, I put the piece on my tongue to see whether it was porous or not. She freaked out and asked if I'd had my Hepatitis B shot. A few minutes later, I found what I thought was a wrist bone. She asked if I wanted to suck it. At that moment, I wished I were more like Nick or Warrick, because they might have been able to say what I was thinking...or would have at least insinuated it. That no, I didn't, but there were plenty of places on her body that I would love to test for porousness. I did get a little bit angry with her, though. She called in Terri to help us identify the bones. And while I understand her reasons for doing it, I really wish she'd checked with me first. I guess it's possible that Cath did it to mess with my comfort zone. Who knows? I did ask Terri out to dinner and we went. She asked if I was uncomfortable away from work. I told her no, but that was a lie. Not only was I uncomfortable, but I was thinking about Catherine the entire time. So when my pager went off, and then my cell phone, I was relieved. Terri left when I answered my phone. I felt bad that I had pretty much blown her off, but not disappointed that the date was over. I wanted to be somewhere else with someone else anyway.

"He was thinking of me on his date? I guess I was wrong about his feelings for Terri." Catherine paused, then finished her thought smugly. "Good."

What is it with me and the way I always react to strippers and showgirls? I've lived in Vegas for so many years, you'd think I'd be immune. Cath and I were working on the Portia Richmond case and we were in this club talking to one of the managers. Four or five showgirls walked past and I couldn't stop myself from gawking at them. Catherine noticed and told me to close my mouth. I wonder if I reacted the same way when I first saw her on that stage all those years ago? Those showgirls weren't even in the same league as Cath, so I'm betting I did. It was probably much worse. Like I was drooling while I was staring. We went backstage and I found one of Portia's music boxes. It was a huge break and I couldn't stop myself from smiling at Cath. She asked me why I was smiling and I told her the music box was playing our song. From that day on, whenever I hear 'Waltz of the Flowers' I'll think of her. We figured out that Portia had been given a music box every year on each anniversary. Cath mentioned that Ed gave her a lace teddy on the anniversary of the day they met. I couldn't help but look at her and imagine what she'd look like in one of them. I almost had to go take a cold shower! Later on, we caught the stupid couple (who turned out to be brother and sister...how sick is that?!?) that was house sitting for Portia, having sex in her bed. I'm sure it was staged, but as creeped out and embarrassed as I was, I still wished it had been Cath and me getting caught rolling around naked in that room. I was so aroused that when we got up to the room to investigate, I was actually able to say what I was thinking. Sort of. I said something like 'Shall we do the room too?' When I heard the words come out of my mouth, I couldn't believe I'd actually said them. Cath smiled and I almost kissed her. I didn't of course. Later that week, I walked up behind Greg as he and Cath were talking about her dancing days. She saw me walking up, but just let Greg go on embarrassing himself. When she said she wore nothing when she danced, he sort of groaned a little. I guess she thought the conversation had gone far enough because she cleared her throat and looked over her shoulder at me. Greg turned around and saw me standing there. After he left, she simply smirked at me, like she was trying to tease me. I wanted to say something so bad, but I held my tongue. She really makes me nuts sometimes.

"Greg? Wearing Portia's hat? Gil standing there glaring?" Laughter burst from Catherine. "What a great day!"

I finally snapped. I saw Ed grab her, throw her into the wall and I snapped. I jumped between them and pushed Ed into the glass window. I wanted to hit him so bad, but I didn't. Out of respect for Catherine. I warned him to stay away from here. That this was our place of business. He made a snide little comment about knowing that she and I had always had a 'thing.' I guess he knew she always came to me when they fought. That's the only reason why I could imagine he'd think we had something going on together. But, as much as I've wanted her over the years, I have never taken advantage. All those times she came to me - sometimes drunk, sometimes high, sometimes neither - I never ever acted on my feelings. Not once. And it makes me sick to think that he feels like he has a right to treat her that way, even now. After their separation. What makes things worse is that even though they are apart, I still haven't told her how much I love her.

"You should've taken that swing, my friend. Believe me, I wouldn't have minded in the least little bit."

I made a huge mistake today. I brought Tammy Felton/Melissa Marlowe's parents out of their interrogation room so they could see their daughter. It was a mess and I almost compromised the investigation by doing it. Cath called me on it. She asked me what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking at all. I had wanted to observe them. That was the problem. These people hadn't seen their daughter in 21 years. 'Did I think a glass wall would keep them apart?' Cath had asked. And of course I hadn't thought about that. She knew I hadn't...because I'm not good with people. I never have been, but Cath actually saying it hammered the nail home in my mind. I realized that if I was good with people, maybe I would be able to tell her how I feel and I wouldn't be living my life in an emotional jail. Since I couldn't disagree with her - I had no valid argument - I just agreed and let the matter drop.

"For once it wasn't me making a mistake," she said with a sigh. "I'm not saying that I'm glad you screwed up a little. It's just good to see that I'm not the only one who isn't perfect...that even you have some faults."

At the start of tonight's shift, I ran into Catherine coming out of my office. She told me she was taking the carnival case. I had no idea what she was talking about. A six-year-old girl was found dead on a carnival ride and Cath wanted the case. She said the paperwork was on my desk. If anyone else had been going through my desk, I would've been furious...but this was Catherine. I made a joke and asked if she'd straightened up while she was in there. I know I smiled when I said it, and I thought she knew I was just giving her a hard time, but it seemed like she really thought I was serious. She asked if she'd overstepped. I just shook my head. Of course I wasn't upset with her! I told her to take Sara and Cath said she was already meeting her at the scene. All I could do was watch her walk away, wishing I was the one meeting her at the scene.

"I wish it had been you too, Gil." The longing sound of her words shocked her. "And it's not just because I'd rather work with just about anyone rather than Sara...especially on a case involving a child. I'd rather work with you on anything. I enjoy being with you."

I hate this time of year...staff evaluations. It's one of the things I dislike about being a supervisor. Cath was giving me a hard time this morning because I had forgotten where Warrick was and why he was late for our meeting. She said that maybe they should be evaluating me. I joked back that she was a real riot...but I almost wish they were the ones doing the evaluating. Anyway, she and I were working on a decapitation case. Head found in a car trunk, but no body at the time. We popped in to see Al to find out what he'd learned from the head. He was listening to rock music. It was the day shift coroner actually. I thought he was pretty good. Al asked Cath what she thought and she said it sucked. I was shocked. She's blunt, but usually not that blunt. She commented that she'd just filed for divorce and was feeling confident. I just said I guessed so...but inside I was cheering. It was the happiest news I'd heard in a very long time. When we were looking at the wounds on the neck, Cath mentioned the practice chops on it. I figured it had been dark or the suspect had bad aim. Cath said it was a crime of passion. I couldn't believe a woman could've done it. She said 'I could've' under her breath. She scares me sometimes. But you know what? The fact that she's a little bit scary at times, sort of turns me on. Crazy, I know. I guess Al and I grossed her out when we started talking about boiling the head because she left pretty quick. I was disappointed, but didn't follow her. I knew I'd see her again soon. Later in the week, she asked me about her evaluation. I wanted to tell her everything. That I thought she was wonderful, beautiful...that I loved her more than anything in the world. But I just told her to keep up the good work. I'm such an idiot. She opened up a door for me, and I didn't go through it.

"That would've been one surprising evaluation."

I found out that the sheriff wants Cath to take over the strip strangler case, maybe even my job.

"Uh oh." Catherine didn't even need to read the second sentence to know what this entry was about. She took a deep breath and released it very slowly. "Well, let's just hope he's gentle with me here..."

I'm not upset about it...Cath deserves it. I guess I'm just pissed off at the way things are being handled. When she came in my office to tell me, she suggested that I needed to be more politic. She's probably right, but the only thing I could think of was that she was leaning over my desk and was close enough that I could kiss her. I actually thought about doing it, but Nick walked in before I could.

Catherine laughed. Had she known he was having such a hard time trying to kiss her, she would've just kissed him and got it over with. She went back to reading.

Just when I thought things couldn't get worse...they did. I got kicked off the case. Cath took over. I went home, took some migraine medication and crashed on the couch to take a short nap. I was surprised to wake up and find Catherine there. I thought I was dreaming, but there she was. I covered up my confusion by telling her I wasn't used to having people in my house, which of course she saw right through. She said I just didn't like it when I can't solve a case or command my troops. And she was right. I made a smart-ass comment about her coming to tell me about her new job. She'd passed on the promotion. She wanted to get it out of merit...not because I'm an idiot. Or as she said, because of my political tone-deafness.

"I would never have done that to you, Gil." Catherine shook her head. "I wouldn't take your job away from you. Not ever."

Cath saved my life today. She had to kill a man, but she did. She did it to save me. She got there just in time, it was almost creepy. Like she knew I was in trouble and acted on it. I heard the shot, looked up, and there she was. She looked like an angel standing on those stairs. My guardian angel.

Catherine had come very close to losing him that day. If he had died, she would've been devastated. She didn't like to think about it...even for a second.

Afterwards, we went out for breakfast with the rest of the team. I felt so guilty for putting Cath in such a difficult position - concerning both the job and the shooting. I wasn't sure what to say so I just apologized. She was so gracious. Telling me I had nothing to apologize for. I really admire her. She lives her life without regret, without looking back. I wish I could be like that. My life is full of regrets. The biggest one being the lack of nerve to tell Cath how I feel. To take her in my arms, call her my own, and live happily ever after.

Continued in Chapter 3