Rating: PG13 - bad words.
Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own 'em.
SPOILER WARNING: This chapter is taken from Season 3. If you haven't seen all eps from this season, you will be spoiled.
This has been one of the worst weeks ever! Some movie star I'd never heard of - Tom Haviland - murdered two women in his hotel room. Well, instead of him being on trial, the CSI's were. My team. Their...no our investigative techniques were called into question. My hearing is so inconsistent right now that I decided it would be best if I supervised instead of taking an active part in the case. Things just got worse as time went on. The defense brought in Phil as a specialist for their team. Of all the people they could choose from, they bring in my mentor. It was pretty tense. He was sniffing around the lab, making everyone more nervous than they already were. Including me. During the trial, I found out that while Sara was on the stand, she was asked about her feelings for me. The defense somehow found a witness that saw the incident when she brushed chalk from my face. It was insinuated that she would do anything for me...even falsify evidence. I guess Hank had moved the victim's bra so he could do CPR on her. He told Sara about it and she filed a report on the matter. But, the defense made it seem as if she was protecting her 'boyfriend', as well as trying to please me by covering up his error. It was ridiculous! From what I heard, Sara handled the situation very well. Thank God. It could've been really, really bad if she hadn't. And that wasn't the only issue. Cath and I were at each other again. First, it was over the proficiency tests. I had forgotten that hers was on appeal. She totally ripped into me about how I wasn't collecting evidence or analyzing anything so I didn't have to be called to testify. She said I was being very politic and that Ecklie must be rubbing off on me. That one hurt pretty badly so I left the room. Then she was on me about the case...how she felt like it was going to be dismissed. I told her not to get ahead of herself. She said she wasn't. That she was out there taking hits with the rest of the team and that I had turned into a lousy leader. She said she needed me...my help, and I wasn't there because I was on the sidelines. Those words snapped me out of my inactivity and I started working on the case. I ended up finding a major piece of evidence against Haviland. It turned the direction of the prelim trial our way instead of his. When I left the courtroom, my team stood and walked out with me. It felt good to be a part of them again. I really hope I never let them down again. Especially Catherine.
"I'm sure you will, Gil." Catherine shrugged. "And I'll disappoint you and let you down. That's the way life...and love...goes sometimes. The important thing is what you do afterwards. That's what counts in the end."
Cath was attacked at a scene. The gash on her forehead is horrible, but she will be ok. Thank God. I was grateful Warrick had been there for her, but it should have been me. I'll always hate myself for not being there. I tried to talk to her about it, but she said she was fine and left it at that. I could tell she needed to be comforted, but as much as I wanted to hold her and make her rest in my arms, I didn't. I don't think she would've let me do it anyway. She's so independent. Strong willed. Stubborn. I can't change that. I don't even know if I want to.
Her right hand went up and she brushed at the thin, barely visible scar above her right eyebrow. She couldn't believe that Gil felt guilty for what had happened that day. He'd been blaming himself all this time.
"It wasn't your fault! I've been in crime scenes alone a lot of times. No one could've known that this would be the one time something would happen."
Catherine had her first death row inmate come up to his execution date. John Mathers...suspected in the rape and murder of three Western LVU co-eds. Cath was a rookie when she worked on the case. Mathers, who was found guilty in one of the cases, was given a stay of execution at the very last minute on a new evidence appeal. She came to me to discuss it and asked me how many 'executions' I've had. I told her two and asked how she felt about the situation. She started going on and on in her professional opinion - which I know is a defense mechanism. I know that because I use the same one. I wonder if she picked up the habit from working with me? Anyway, I stopped her mid-sentence and told her the answer I was looking for wasn't supposed to be non-responsive. She said she wasn't sure how she felt...hadn't figured it out yet. I tried to explain to her that it's just about evidence. But she's not like me, and I know her well enough to realize that this would effect her deeply. That she was going to be upset. I wanted to reach across the desk and hold her hand, reassure her that I'd be there for her if she needed me. But the shift was very busy and we both had to get back to work. Later in the week, I got called to the coroner's office. A girl's body had been found with the same MO as Mathers' previous victims. I had the entire team put aside what they were working on to concentrate on this case. Turns out, Mathers was a copycat. He was only guilty in the case he was originally convicted on. We haven't found the other killer...yet. I hope we get the bastard soon. I ran into Cath as she was leaving to go watch Mathers' execution. I didn't think it was a good idea that she go, and told her so. She disagreed. Said it was like seeing your first autopsy or first murdered child - if a person can get through that, they can keep doing this job. I commented that the ability to match paint from two crime scenes fifteen years apart is why I keep doing this job. It sounded so hollow. Impersonal. She pointed that very fact out. Told me it was the difference between us. We really are very different. But the differences make me love her even more. She showed up on my doorstep after the execution. I could tell she was upset so I didn't say anything. I made omelets and screwdrivers. We fell asleep watching TV.
"You always know exactly how to make me feel better." Catherine smiled. "And you're damn lucky you didn't say 'I told you so' or you would've gotten a knuckle sandwich!"
Cath had to work on a pretty disgusting case this week. An actual snuff film had been found. She and I actually watched it together. It was one of the most awful things I'd ever seen. But to be honest, as horrified and mortified as I was at the fact that some sick person murdered a girl on video for entertainment...I was a little turned on. Up until the moment of the actual murder, the movie was basically just porn. Rough sex porn, but porn nonetheless. And the fact that I was there, watching it with Cath, was sort of hot. Granted, I knew what was coming up on the video, so that kept things in check. I ended up getting called away to a scene where fire ants were found, so I left Cath to work the case. It was probably a good thing too. I'd have been walking around, thinking about having sex with Cath the whole time. Although I don't know how that would be any different than normal.
Shivering slightly from the memory of that video, Catherine rubbed the goosebumps off of her arms.
"The man does have a valid point though. It was just porn until the actual murder..." Catherine shivered again.
I almost got busted today. I was researching otosclerosis on my computer, and Cath came in to talk about her case. She said she sometimes wondered if people were meant to live together. I commented that 'good fences make good neighbors.' She made a joke about me making a great neighbor. She asked me if I was working on a new case and I said it was ongoing. Well, she bent over my PC and I just managed to toggle to a screen about long-horned beetles. It was a pretty close call. I should just tell her and get it over with. I'm not sure I'm ready to take that step though.
"Huh," Catherine glanced sideways at Gil's computer. "I didn't think he was that good with this thing."
Cath and I took a case at this 5-star restaurant called De Breff. Of course I said the name wrong and I was reprimanded. Taught how to pronounce it correctly. What a smart ass! But I think it's one of the things I love about her the most. There was a body in the meat grinder. I had a little fun and asked her for a hand as I tried to remove the hand from the end of the machine. She gave me an amused look and I about fainted. Then, as we were kneeling beside each other investigating, she said she'd tackle dismantling the meat grinder. I asked her if she really knew anything about it. She said, as she looked me directly in the eyes, 'Male into female parts.' I didn't hear anything she said after that because those words filled me with images of us. Our male and female parts...together. I wonder if she knew? She knows me better than anyone, so I'm betting she did.
A smirk curled Catherine's lips. She had said those exact words to elicit a reaction from him - even if it was a non-verbal one.
My guess is that she said them because she wanted to conjure up those images. She really does enjoy toying with my comfort zone. I can't really say that I mind though. Even with her relentless teasing, there was something so strong between us while we worked. So natural and real. We bonded even more. I wanted to spend some more time with her, so after we closed the case, I invited her to dinner. I offered to cook. She agreed. We met up after shift and went to my place. It was magical. I wonder if she felt it too?
"I did, Gil. I really did," she said. "That day...it really felt magical."
Our most recent case started out pretty interesting. Some hunters found a bird - a raven actually - in the forest. No big deal, right? Wrong. It had a human eyeball in its beak. I took Cath out there with me. We had to climb up this huge ladder so we could check out the nest. The only thing I could think of was 'The Raven' by Edgar Allen Poe...so I started quoting the poem to her. Cath pointed out the fact that I was doing it while we were up a tree. Then she told me to give her something. I glanced at her out of the corner of my eyes. I wanted to say 'I'll give you something,' but I just quoted more Poe. I wound up working on a different case. I enjoyed spending that small amount of time with her, though. Believe me, I take what I can get when it comes to Catherine.
"Yeah, I noticed you bailed on the case right around the same time we figured out that we'd be making a trip to the dump to search for the body." She smirked. "Your loss. And if you would've said something to me about your feelings, there is a high possibility that we could have spent a lot more time together...away from work."
Sometimes I think that my attraction to other women is a direct result of the fact that I can't have the woman I truly want. I spent some time with Lady Heather tonight. She can read me like a book. It makes me a little bit uneasy. No one, besides Catherine, has ever been able to do that. But it also makes me interested in her. She figured out that I'm going deaf. It was like she was reading my mind. I started to feel off balance emotionally. I reached out and actually touched her face. I came very close to kissing her. Our lips almost touched. But I stopped. I was an idiot to even go that far. Heather knew it, too. I would be lying if I said I wasn't drawn to her, I was. But I was thinking about Cath the whole time. After the embarrassing almost-kiss, Heather and I sat and had tea. As we were sitting together, I began to think back to the first time Cath and I met her. The conversation in the sandbox when I called Cath 'grasshopper' and she called me 'master'. The discussion we had about our 'healthy relationship.' It made me realize that everything that happens to me, everything in my life, somehow links to Catherine. Like one big chain. I found out later that while I was with Heather, Eddie had been in an accident and Lindsey had been in the car with him. The bastard was knocked unconscious and his girlfriend of the week only dragged him out! She abandoned Lindsey in the car, in a canal! Cath had to literally, physically rescue her. Eddie died, but Lindsey is fine. Thank God. Besides Cath, she's the only other person in the world that I love. I tried to reach out to Catherine, but she shoved her hands into the pockets of her jacket and walked off down the hall, saying she was fine. That hurt me so badly that I lost my breath. Especially when I saw her allow Warrick and Nick comfort her. Then again, thinking back on that day, I didn't offer her hugs. I offered her time off. No wonder she walked away. Damn! How stupid of me! I should have tried harder. Reached out more. But I didn't. Not until late, late that night. I had been feeling so guilty about the situation with Heather, that I was sitting in my Tahoe outside of her place, feeling sorry about what had happened. How badly I'd hurt her. The evidence made me think she had committed the murders. What was I supposed to do? Not pursue a solid lead, ignore the one thing that never lies? I wanted to apologize so much, to try and explain, but I knew I couldn't say anything that would make things ok between us again. So, I let it go and made my way to Cath's house. I let myself in and found Lindsey lying in bed with Catherine, comforting her mother as she cried. I settled in next to them, wrapping both in my arms. No one said a word. I wanted to let them get their grief out. To be there for them. I knew Cath wasn't actually crying over what had happened to Eddie. She was crying because of what had happened to Lindsey. Over the fact that her precious daughter had almost died, and was now fatherless. I was heartbroken when I heard the sound of their combined sobs. I held them as tightly as I possibly could, trying to take some of their sadness into myself. To spare them some of the pain. Lindsey eventually fell asleep, so I picked her up and carried her to her own bed. I went back in by Cath and she smiled at me. I sat on the bed for a while and held her hand. She fell asleep too. I wanted to lay down beside her and stay the night. I wanted that more than anything. But I didn't stay. Cath and Linds needed some time together. I didn't want to intrude on that, so I made sure they were both safe, then I left.
Catherine's heart stopped for a moment as the pain of that couple of days came flooding back to her. Much to her surprise, a small flicker of jealousy ignited within her. She felt it flowing hotly through her veins.
She had liked Lady Heather. They were kindred have been friends. But the fact that Gil had been attracted to her was upsetting. It almost felt as if he had cheated on her, which made her feel silly since they weren't together so how could he cheat on her? The thing was, she knew that Gil was fiercely loyal. An honest guy who would never cheat on anyone, especially her. The jealousy quickly swelled into pride at the thought that he'd resisted temptation, and didn't think twice about being with Heather.
Eddie's death and the tears she'd shed that night? Truth be told, her ex-husband's death had been a relief - a release from her past. The tears were out of shame, out of fear for what had happened, and what the future held, for Lindsey. She's also wept out of need...the need for Gil. Her best friend. Once he'd come, Catherine had been able to get herself back under control.
They hadn't talked about it that night. Didn't say a single word to each other. But words sometimes weren't necessary. Just being in the room with him comforted her more than anything Gil could have said. She was disappointed that he had been gone when she'd finally woke up, but Catherine understood his reasons for leaving.
"Turns out you read me pretty well, too." Catherine said with a slow sigh.
Cath told me that Sara found out Hank has been cheating on her. He was having dinner with this other woman when a car crashed through the front window of the restaurant. Sara caught him while she was investigating the case and broke up with him. I guess I feel bad for her...that her heart got broken. I mean I don't like to see anyone get hurt, and Sara is my friend. She doesn't deserve to be treated so poorly. But I am concerned about her falling back into the old song and dance with me. While she and Hank were together, she barely paid any attention to me and I liked it that way. Now? Who knows what's going to happen. I really hope she doesn't start up again. I was finally starting to get comfortable around her...and now this. I guess I'll just have to cross my fingers and hope that things don't get out of hand. I definitely don't need that to happen.
With a disapproving click of her tongue, Catherine chastised the non-present Hank for what felt like the millionth time.
"As many problems as Sara and I have with each other, I thought it was pretty crappy of you to do that to her, Hank. You should've told her you were seeing someone else. God knows I understood what she felt like when she caught you," Catherine finished with a heavy sigh.
Cath and I had a case at the old art movie theater this week. Mentally, we were so close - one mind, one goal. We were close physically too, which of course I would never complain about. Our shoulders kept brushing as we worked and I wondered if she could hear my heart pound harder each time it happened. If she could feel the goosebumps on my skin when she touched me. It turned out to be an easy case. These two women attempted to use the movie 'Strangers on a Train' to try and get rid of their 'problems'. Didn't quite work out for them, though. Anyway, after we finished the case, I invited Cath to go to the movies with me. She said yes! I had no interest in the movie. Never did. I just wanted to be with her. I have been so scared lately. It's getting harder and harder to hide it from her. My hearing, I mean. I need to tell her. I'm not sure how to do it, but I want her to know. I need her to help me through it. It seemed like she was happy to be out with me. She was smiling, which was nice because I hadn't seen her smile like that in way too long. I went in to grab seats for us, she went to the concession stand to get popcorn and a soda. When she came back, she settled into the seat next to me and leaned over. She asked what kind of movies I like. I said 'silent movies'. It was my way of telling her about my hearing. She didn't respond, but I think she understood. The power of our bond sometimes makes words unnecessary. It would have been the perfect opportunity to kiss her, but I didn't. Another lost chance.
Catherine felt tears welling up in her eyes. Gil had been trying to tell her about his hearing that night. She had sensed something more had been behind his seemingly innocent comment about liking silent movies. At the time, she didn't think to ask what he had meant. Gil sometimes said things that made no sense to anyone but himself. She figured that maybe this was one of them and had forgotten about it. She had never even thought to try and put the pieces together. Now that she knew the truth, the guilt was eating her up.
"I should have known. I could have been there to support you sooner." Catherine choked back her tears. "Damnit, Gil. Why do you have to be so cryptic all the time?" She directed her words at his notebook as if it were actually him. "Why couldn't you have just told me?"
Catherine and I had a discussion today and I swear I almost lost it. We were working on the comedian case, talking about absorption of cocaine through the penis. She told me that a man cannot absorb a fatal amount of cocaine through his penis. I asked her to cite her source, but I really wanted to give her the same kind of smart-ass comment she usually gives me. Something about offering to be the test subject in the experiment to prove her theory - minus the cocaine, of course. The thought of her hands and mouth on me... I had to force myself to keep focus the whole day. I, of course, didn't have the guts to say anything. She beat me to the punch later, anyway. We were in the process of testing everything ingestible that had been found at the comedy club. She made a joke that Spam couldn't be absorbed through the penis either and if I wanted her to site her source... I told her it wouldn't be necessary. It may seem strange, maybe even gross, but I swear I'd let Catherine Willows spread Spam all over me if she wanted to. I wish I could be like her...so open. So free with what I say. Maybe someday I will be. At least with her.
Uncontrollable laughter burst from Catherine when she read his words. She couldn't stop herself and plump, wet, tears began to run freely down her face. Finally, she had to force herself to quit when her chest and lungs started to ache.
"I've seen some crazy stuff. Hell, I've even done some pretty crazy stuff. But Spam?"
Today was the most horrific day. There was an explosion in the lab. Sara and Greg were hurt. I tried to comfort Sara, but in the end, I think I ended up hurting her more than helping her. She mistook my affection and concern for much more than it actually was. She started following me around again, like she had at that seminar. Then she asked me out to dinner. I told her no, never thinking twice. Why, after everything, did she think I'd want to go out with her? I hope she finally got the message. The whole thing makes me so uncomfortable, but I don't know what to do about it. Cath wound up getting suspended for five days. I did everything I could for her. The truth is she did cause the explosion, but she was brave enough to face up to it and accept the consequences. She was so sad and miserable. She talked about not having any money, about Lindsey, about working so hard. She said she wasn't sleeping. I was shocked, really. I had no idea things were that bad. She could have, should have come to me. She knows that I would help her in any way that I could. I wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be ok, but as usual, I didn't. When Sara came to my office tonight, she said something that finally brought me to my senses. After I told her I didn't know what to do about our situation (non-situation on my part), she said that she did, and that once I figured things out, it may be too late. I knew she meant between us, but I thought of something else. Catherine. And then, my hearing. I have to tell her. I have to do something. I can't go through the rest of my life like this. My hearing is getting much worse. I need her.
That day had been so horrible. Greg could've died. Catherine still felt guilty over what had happened. Greg hadn't blamed her, but she still cried whenever she thought about it.
She hadn't fought the suspension. Five days was nothing compared to what could have been the result of her negligence. The missing pay had been tough on her, but Catherine had dealt with it. Just like she always did when things got rough. Gil had helped. He called her every day to check in. He even stopped by after most of his shifts and brought take out for her and Lindsey. His unyielding support had helped get her through it.
Cath totally busted me today. My hearing is so bad now that I can't hide it anymore. There have been a few times during recent investigations when I thought she had noticed that I couldn't hear her. But if she did, she didn't say a word about it. Until we were sitting in the bank's lobby, waiting for the manager. She turned to me and asked how long we'd known each other. I made a snippy comment about days, months or years. Truthfully, I can tell her to the second. I had barely heard her ask the question, so I made sure to look directly at her in case she said anything else. That's when it happened. She asked if I could hear her. The manager walked in before I had to give her an answer. It was in that moment that I knew I had to do something. So I went in and talked to Al. He took a look in my ears and basically told me I needed to have them corrected right now, or it would be too late. I scheduled surgery and finally told Cath. The look on her face broke my heart. I was terrified, but I put on a brave front for her. She was already upset over learning that Sam is her biological father, she didn't need to worry about me. But I really wanted to ask her to come with me. To stay with me until I went in for surgery, but I knew she needed to talk to Sam, so I didn't say anything. I should've known better, because there she was. I was sitting there in my hospital room, waiting for the nurse to come back for me and I happened to look up. Cath was standing in the doorway. She said she wanted to wish me good luck. Then she hugged me close and we held each other for a moment. She was so warm and real. I felt so safe and complete. She was there for me, with me. For the first time since my mother's death, I wasn't alone and I wasn't afraid. God, I love this woman. Maybe someday, I'll have the nerve to tell her. But the insecure little boy inside of me is so scared that she doesn't feel the same for me. And that small part of me would rather love her in secret, than confess my love and have her say she doesn't feel the same. I certainly don't want to ruin our friendship. I guess it's not really just a friendship, it's beyond that. What we have defies characterization, and if I did something to jeopardize that, I think it would kill me.
Catherine grinned over the memory of that day at the hospital. She had never seen Gil so shaky before. So unsure of himself. It was sort of endearing. He'd looked so sweet sitting there, feet dangling over the side of the hospital bed, like a little kid who was about to get his first shot. And then, how he'd visibly become more confident, secure, at the sight of her standing in the doorway. When she hugged him close, Gil had felt so good in her arms. He fit perfectly within the tight circle of her embrace. Catherine's skin had hummed pleasantly for a long time after they'd separated and he'd walked away.
Her grin grew into a full-fledged smile when she thought of Gil shuffling down the hall, gown partially open, revealing much more of himself than he'd intended.
"I really had to force myself not to yell 'nice ass' after you, my friend." She closed her eyes and called up the image again. "Seriously, nice."
Continued in Chapter 5