Rating: PG13 - bad words.
Disclaimer: In my dreams......don't sue.
SPOILER WARNING: This chapter is taken from Season 4. If you haven't seen all eps from this season, you will be spoiled.
Extending her arms above her head, Catherine stretched. Her back was beginning to ache. It had been over an hour since her trip to the break room. Her mouth and throat felt as dry as the desert. She glanced over at the un-opened can of soda sitting on the desk in front of her. Catherine reached out and touched the side of the can.
"Warm." With a shrug, she popped open the tab and took a long swallow. "Bleech! Nothing worse than warm diet Coke."
Pressure was building in her bladder, but she didn't want to take another break and stop reading. Gil's last entry had been right around the time of his surgery. Catherine was about to get into his most recent stuff. She couldn't stop now.
After another swig of soda, and a couple of quick calls to check in with the team, Catherine continued reading.
Well, my surgery was a total success. My hearing has been completely restored. Sometimes I think it's even better than it used to be. Case in point, I heard Cath's phone vibrate from across the room at a crime scene. I offhandedly told her I thought her phone was vibrating. When she picked it up, she looked at me with a shocked expression and asked if I'd really heard it. I just grinned and muttered 'uh huh.' She seemed so happy for me. She said 'You're back,' and there was this glorious smile on her face. I winked at her. I couldn't stop myself. Anyway, we had to go to Shimmer for an interrogation on a serial killer case. This cute young stripper hit on me, offered me a dance. Told me that I could be her 'mad scientist'. The thought never crossed my mind to accept, but I'm glad the stripper said it because Cath's reaction was what made the situation absolutely priceless. It was obvious that she was jealous and she became very possessive. She put the stripper in her place by coming to my side, glaring at her, and saying 'He already is, sweetheart.' I know it sounds innocent enough, but it was the way she said it. I actually felt sorry for the girl. I shrugged and followed Cath out of the club. That little display will live in my memory forever. Later, we had to go to the Fez. In the room we were going over, there was one of those vibrating beds. I'd heard about them, but had never actually seen one. Nick told me they were supposed to be fun. That they are supposed to enhance sex. Well, as Cath and I were processing the room, I decided to try it out. I thought it was sort of cool, but when I laid down on it, Cath gave me a funny look. I told her I had to 'think' and she said 'enjoy'. I did think, but the only thing I had on my mind as I laid there was how nice it would be to have the guts to grab Catherine, pull her down on top of me and tell her to do whatever she wanted with me.
"If you had stopped and thought for a second," Catherine grimaced at the memory of the hotel room and that bed. "Ugh! You never would have laid down on that thing without putting on a hazmat suit first."
I needed Cath to be with me so badly on my most recent case, but I assigned her to a different one. It was the first time in a while that we were working on different investigations, but it was necessary. Mine involved a rape and, later, a murder. A young woman named Susanna was the victim. I was very upset at her death. I felt as if it were my fault somehow, like I should have known something like that might happen. I did have a somewhat pleasant thing happen during this terrible case, though. Susanna's father asked me if I was married, and if I had any children. My mind immediately went to Cath and Lindsey. Technically, as much as I wish it were true, we aren't married. God knows I'm not Linds' biological father, but still - it felt so great for just a moment to think of us as a family. And we really are in many ways. However, being the honest guy that I am, I answered no, that I wasn't married. But telling the truth in this situation felt like a lie.
"Oh, my God." Catherine swallowed the lump of emotion that had risen in her throat. "He thinks of us as a family. That is one of the sweetest things I've ever read!"
I had a couple of, uh, run-ins with Sara recently. I was pooling the staff to work on Warrick's case, and she got on me about having her own stuff to work on. Normally, I would've just shrugged it off and ignored her protests. But not this time. We only had twenty four hours and I needed everyone on the case. I told her that I was handing out the assignments. That it wasn't a negotiation. Cath was sitting across from me during this little episode and I know she gave me a shocked glance. Sara looked pretty mad, but she didn't say anything more. Later, she and I were re-enacting the assault and yes, I admit, we had to get a little bit close physically. I couldn't believe how uncomfortable I was. I tried to relax by allowing my mind to drift a little. I started to visualize that it was Cath beneath me. Which, now that I think about it, was actually pretty dangerous. What if I'd fallen completely into my fantasy, and had kissed Sara...thinking she was Catherine? Thank God I didn't! While we worked, Sara brought up her application for the key position. Her voice startled me out of my daydream, but I quickly focused and I told her that I knew...I had her application on my desk. She made a comment that what 'did or didn't happen between us shouldn't effect my decision' - like we have this relationship or something and that naturally I would favor her. It was almost as if she thought something had happened. Now I know she's convinced that there is something between us. This all started up again after that damn lab explosion. I only wanted to help her afterwards. I mean, she was hurt and scared. What was I supposed to do? Let her sit there, not try to make her feel better? I couldn't do that. But now things are worse and I don't know how to fix them. I mean, she asked me out that time and I told her no. Doesn't she understand what that means? And it was presumptuous and shallow of her to think I would simply hand this promotion to her, allowing my feelings that 'do or do not' exist affect something that important in the first place. I can't believe she attacked my character and integrity like that! Anyway, that's not really why I'm writing. Later in the day, Cath and I were alone in a dark viewing room. We were standing there, side by side, close enough to touch, watching Jim interrogate the suspect, and she told me she liked my tough act. At first I didn't get what she meant, so she did an impression of me. It was actually pretty good. I asked if it was too much. She shook her head and said 'Not enough'. God, her voice. She sounded so...aroused. It was real deep, like a growl. I know I've said a hundred times that we have a connection, but today, it was different. Sexual. The air in the room was charged with the electricity flowing between us. I turned to look at her and she knew I did, but she didn't look back. She simply stood there with a little smile on her face. I'd like to think she didn't turn because she thought if she did, it would be all over. We'd start going at it and get fired for indecent exposure and lewd acts in public - on company time no less. We were supposed to be working, but it was impossible for me to focus. I kept thinking about her and how many different ways I would love show her my 'tough' side... The only thing I took away from those thoughts was a very cold shower after shift. Once I got home and finally fell asleep, I dreamt about her. We were in my office discussing a case and out of the blue, she kissed me. The feel of her lips on mine was electric. Before I knew it, we were naked, on my desk, going at it like a couple of horny kids. Unfortunately, I woke up and realized it was actually just a dream. That she wasn't with me. How depressing.
Catherine thought back to that day. It had been several weeks before but she felt like it had happened yesterday. When Gil verbally slapped Sara down at that meeting, she had been shocked. In the past, when it came to Sara, he seemed to give her a lot of space to do her thing . She knew now Gil did that specifically because of how the young CSI felt about him. But when he laid down the law with her, it had turned Catherine on. She never would've guessed that Gil Grissom had a little bit of bad boy hidden within the bug boy.
"If we had been somewhere more private," Catherine mussed to the room, a small smirk on her lips. "That man might've been in serious trouble."
Cath and I had a very rude awakening. Our latest case was an infant left alone in a car. He was the twelfth one this year. When I checked the temperature inside the car, it had been 145 degrees! 145 degrees, damnit! I don't have my own kids, but I just can't understand how a parent could forget that their child is in the car with them. I brought Cath a blanket to wrap the baby in. I had hoped to give the onlookers the impression that there was a possibility that the child was still alive. To them, when we removed Joshua's body from the car, Catherine and I must have looked like a couple with their child. And in a different circumstance, it would've felt so natural. Catherine was taking it hard, but of course, kept it together as best she could. I stayed strong for her and to tried to keep myself together as well. I know she was thinking about when she had to rescue Lindsey. I certainly was. I helped her gather all the evidence, process the car and then let her run with it. I joined Warrick and helped him. I missed working with Cath, so I was glad to have lots of things going at once to keep me busy. It was actually fun bouncing back and forth between cases. I got a ton of paperwork done, too. Catherine would be so proud of me! She came back later and filled me in on the details of her case. The parents had murdered Joshua. They had already lost one son to Tay Sachs disease and were worried that it was going to claim their second. The pediatrician had taken an enzyme test to see if Joshua actually had Tay Sachs, but his parents didn't have the patience to wait for the test results. They murdered their own son on a hunch! Like I told Cath, I just don't get people. After shift, Catherine showed up at my house. Her face was flushed with heat stroke. She fainted as soon as she crossed over the doorway. I laid her in my bed and placed a cool, damp towel on her forehead. When she came to, Cath told me she had sat in her Denali, in the blazing sun, watching the heat rise inside the vehicle. She'd barely had the strength to drive here. I asked her why she'd done it and she just answered that she'd needed to feel what Joshua had felt. I nodded and held her. We both cried for him.
Brushing away her tears, Catherine shook her head. "I still don't understand how someone could do that to their own child. Even if he had been sick. Sitting in that car, in that heat. It was..." She choked back a sob. "Torture."
There are some very strange people in the world. I've seen a lot of things since coming to Vegas, but this one tops everything. Even the stuff at Lady Heather's! Cath and I got called out to the highway. Car vs. truck accident. Head-on collision. Run-of-the-mill stuff, right? You'd think so. But after searching the area, we found a dead guy in the bushes. He had been struck by the car. Thing is, he was wearing a raccoon suit. We IDed him and Cath went to his apartment with Jim. They found out that the guy was participating in PAF Con - Plushies and Furries. I'd heard about them, but had never actually seen them. So, of course, Cath and I had to go. I couldn't resist. She was a little freaked out, but I was fascinated. Although, I guess it is slightly weird. Dressing up in an animal suit and, to achieve sexual satisfaction, rubbing against someone else in an animal suit. Ok...it's a lot weird. Catherine was pretty uncomfortable during this one, which surprised me. The only time she seemed ok was when we were alone with each other. That made me feel pretty good. When we were going over the raccoon suit, I noticed how detailed and intricate it was. Cath said she'd dated a guy who was a mascot and wore a suit similar to the one we had. I felt a twinge of jealousy rush through me, which was so stupid considering the fact that she had dated that guy long before she knew me. Anyway, she made a comment wondering what had happened to people having 'normal sex'. I asked her what she thought was normal. I really wanted to show her what I consider normal sex, but I just sat there and waited for her to say something. When she didn't answer, I told her that the only 'abnormal sex' is not having any at all - which I guess means I've been having abnormal sex for a very, very long time! But, I digress. I went on to say that everything else came down to opportunity and preference. She made a comment that she liked hairy chests, but wasn't about to 'bop' a six-foot weasel. I was so tempted to come back with 'How about a five-eleven workaholic who knows a whole hell of a lot about bugs?' The words were on the tip of my tongue, but that's where they stayed.
"You know," Catherine thought back on the case. "When we went to that private party, the - uh - fur pile party I guess it was called, I actually got a little bit turned on. I was standing there, watching them scritch or yiff or whatever the hell they were doing, and I couldn't stop myself from thinking about you." Catherine addressed the notebook sitting on the desk in front of her. "I wondered what it would be like to roll around like that with you."
A small sarcastic laugh escaped her. She felt her lips pull back into a large smirk.
"Minus the dog and pony suits. I, for one, prefer skin."
Cath is driving me crazy!!! The way she's been dressing lately...I can't even concentrate! She always looks sexy, don't get me wrong, but over the past few weeks, she's been wearing these low cut, tight tank tops and t-shirts. I've been walking around here with a continuous hard on. People are going to start asking me why I've been taking so many showers in the locker room during shift! I'm not complaining, not at all. She looks scortchingly hot and I love it, but it's all I can do to stop myself from grabbing her, throwing her down in the middle of the lab and having my way with her!
Catherine laughed and glanced down at her clothes. She was wearing an outfit she'd just bought. A corral-colored button down silk shirt...only one button open at the neck. Fitted, but not tight, black pants with an ornate silver clasp on the waistband instead of a button or snap. It was sexy, yet fairly conservative. Had she chosen it because she knew Gil wouldn't be around? She thought back on what she'd been wearing when he was here, and realization of the truth hit her hard.
"I have been dressing more sexy lately. And I guess it really has been only when he's around. I didn't even realize I was doing that. How weird."
I had to take a trip to Jackpot. Al got a head in the mail and we tracked it there. I left Cath in charge and went alone. I knew I'd miss her, but I didn't think I'd need two people to work this case - especially two senior people. I ran into some problems with the local police though. I think they felt like I was stepping on their toes or something. No one would cooperate, my Denali was broken in to...stuff like that. The case would've been an easy one if things had gone well. Maybe if I had sent Cath, or if she'd come with me, the 'good old boys' in Jackpot would have been more helpful. Men sometimes have a tendency to cooperate better with a beautiful woman. Anyway, aside from the bumps in the road I encountered, something interesting happened. Catherine called me early in the investigation. She wanted to know when I was coming home. I hedged and she wondered if I had decided to take my trip to avoid case reviews. I originally dodged her about it, but then asked if she'd take care of them for me. I already knew she would since there was no way she'd be able to work in my office with all the crap everywhere. I actually heard her reaction when she saw my desk. I knew I'd owe her big time when I got back. I figured she would rip me a new one, but she didn't say anything about it. I told her I'd make it up to her and hung up. The sheriff asked if I had been talking to my wife. Without even a moment's hesitation, I answered yes. That she hated it when we were apart. A day or two later, the coroner/vet/whatever else the guy was to this town, interrupted me while I was working to tell me my wife was on the phone. When I picked up the call, I smiled and said 'Hello, dear.' I couldn't resist. Then, as I was leaving Jackpot, the sheriff asked me if I ever kept secrets...even from my wife. I thought about the secrets I've kept from Cath over the years. My hearing. My feelings. Oh, and don't let me forget the fact that I knew Ed had been cheating on her... I made a mental note that two had been taken care of and that I had one more to go. I told the sheriff I used to keep secrets, but that I was trying to change. 'It's a bitch,' was his comment back to me. Don't I know it! The entire drive home, I kept telling myself that it was time to talk to Catherine. I had waited long enough. I had to tell her that I'm in love with her. I can't keep on pretending that I only want to be her best friend. It's wrong and it's a lie. When I pulled into the parking lot, I had gotten up enough nerve to actually say something. Until I saw her. She was walking out of the building when she saw me. She jogged over to my SUV, hugged me, said welcome back and started walking away. I called out to her and asked her to wait. But when she turned around, she looked so beautiful standing there in the bright sunlight, that I choked up. I managed to say something like 'It's good to be back.' She smiled, blew me a kiss, and left. Damnit! Why can't I just say it? Why is 'I love you' so hard to say? It's making me crazy!
"I don't know what's going on with you, but I really wish you would say something because now you're driving me crazy!"
Good God! What a rotten couple of days! A suspect in a murder, this photographer, Delhomme, said he'd only work with Cath. 'The pretty one' he'd called her during Sara's interrogation of him. Boy, was she pissed off by that little comment! I gave the case to Cath since she had the in with this guy. He was attracted to her. I guess I can't blame him for that, but it still bothered me. I wasn't comfortable with the situation, so I worked the case with her. This guy...he gave me the creeps. Staring at Catherine all the time. Undressing her with his eyes - that's the only way I can describe it. My protective instincts kicked in and I was not about to let her out of my sight until we had him securely behind bars. So without hesitation, I allowed my feelings for her to guide me. I showed her favoritism. Nick and Sara got upset because I gave away their case. Well, Sara was anyway. She'd been really hard to deal with lately and I knew this would make things worse. Nick acted like an adult about the situation, but I know it bothered him too. The sheriff asked me why Cath had chosen Greg to work with her on such a high profile case. I wondered the same thing, so I brought it up with her. Once she explained, I understood. In the end, she did me proud. Just like she always does. Like I knew she would. Delhomme was found guilty and went to jail. When I first shifted the case to her, Cath asked if I'd have her back. She knew Sara and Nick were angry. I told her that I always have her back. The look I saw in her eyes and the emotions that passed between us in those moments said it all. I wanted her to know that I believe in her and trust her completely - both professionally and personally. Giving her this case was one way to show her. I wanted to add that I also wanted her on her back, but besides the fact that I'm too chicken to open my mouth, it was neither the time nor the place to admit my feelings. During the investigation, as we were going through some evidence, she made a comment about how many girls come to Vegas and how many fail. I glanced over at her and said that some do make it. She knew I meant her. She's worked so hard to get where she is...she has made it. After all was said and done with the case, we sat side by side, close together in the break room, me with my cup of coffee, her with her Dasani water. As we watched the news, I told her she did well and she modestly replied that she'd had help. I was concerned about the situation with Nick and Sara, how it was affecting her...so I asked if things were ok with them. She said yes. That they are professionals. Personally, I don't care how Nick and Sara feel about my decision. I know I made the right one. But I do care how Catherine feels.
"You, Gil Grissom, are partly responsible for my making it. If you hadn't come into the Palace that night, who knows where I'd be or what I'd be doing today..." Catherine shuddered with the thought of a life without being a CSI. Without knowing him.
I almost lost her...again! A car exploded outside the Orpheus. I knew it was going to be a high-profile case. The sheriff had almost been killed, so I thought it would be best if Cath and I worked the case. We got there as quickly as possible. I asked the sheriff if the area had been swept for secondary bombs and he said they were given the all clear by the bomb squad. Not thirty seconds afterwards, there was another explosion and what sounded like gunfire. As soon as I heard the first 'boom', my instincts kicked in. I dove for Catherine, protecting her with my body, and pushed her against the SUV. Under any other circumstances, I would have been completely turned on. But the only thought I had in my head was 'Must save Cath. Must make sure she is safe.' I didn't care about myself...only her. I pressed myself against her as tightly as I could. Making myself a human shield. I refused to move until I was positive it was completely safe. We originally thought there was a sniper in the area, but it turned out there were rounds of ammunition in the trunk of the bombed car. The explosion and fire that followed heated up the rounds and they went off. The explosion really freaked me out, but I didn't want Cath to know how upset I was. So we just went on as if nothing had happened. Turned out the target of the bomb was a CIA agent who was also a bigamist. One of his wives was the person who had built and placed the bomb in the car. I don't get people like that. Why would a man want or need more than one woman? If I had Catherine, I would be complete. I wouldn't need, nor would I want anyone else. I don't even have her and I already feel that way.
"Poor, naïve Gil." Catherine laughed sarcastically. "That's sweet and all, but welcome to the real world."
Anyway, this guy we brought in was covered with a chemical that was found on the bomb components. He said he'd helped his son build a volcano for a science fair. We, of course, had to check out his story, so Cath and I went to his house. I couldn't believe it...there was a volcano sitting on the table. Catherine started flashing back to fifth grade. It was adorable! She had built a volcano for her science fair. As soon as she started telling her story, I knew how it was going to end, so I just smiled. She said she didn't win first place because some other kid had built a 'lame red ant colony.' She looked over at me, saw my smile, and did a double take. She pointed at me and said 'That was you!' I just agreed, but told her my ants were Black Argentineans. That was the only time during this entire case when the thought of losing her wasn't on my mind. I was grateful for that small moment of silliness. I can hardly wrap my mind around the idea...the possibility that I could've lost her again. If she had gotten hurt or died in that explosion, I don't think I would have been able to go on living.
"But, I'm fine. Nothing happened. You could've gotten hurt yourself. Or killed." She sighed heavily. "But you didn't even consider that did you? You only wanted to protect me."
Well, I finally made my decision. I recommended Nick for the key position. I know I'm going to catch hell from Sara about it, but Nick really deserves it. He completely proved himself to me this week. He's going to make a great lead. Sara...she's a skilled CSI, I'm not denying that fact. She is also qualified to be a lead. But, she's awfully volatile. Nick, he empathizes with the victims in his cases. Feels for them. But those feelings do not cloud his thinking or judgment. Sometimes, Sara lets her feelings grab a hold of her and she blows up. A lead can't do that. I'm not saying that I want a bunch of Gil Grissom clones walking around the lab, but I do want CSI's who can control and regulate their emotions no matter what the situation calls for. I know I've broken that rule once or twice over the years. So has Catherine. The thing is, we don't allow it to happen often. Sara, she does. I'm not looking forward to seeing her once she finds out about my decision. I called Cath after I sent in my recommendation. She was one hundred percent behind my decision, which made me feel good. She did complain that promoting Nick meant that Sara would be staying on night shift. She said she was only kidding, but I know her. Cath would've been happy to see Sara leave our shift, but knew she wasn't completely ready to be a lead. I wish I could've recommended Sara...to make Cath happy. Who am I kidding? I would've made me happy, too. But it would have been a bad move for everyone involved, especially Sara. During our conversation, Cath invited me over to have dinner with her and Lindsey. Of course I said yes. We had grilled cheese sandwiches and ice cream sundaes...Lindsey's favorite meal. It was one of the best dinners of my life. Being with them? It makes life worth living.
"Well, it's good to know you're a man of simple tastes, Gil Grissom." Catherine allowed a soft grin to curl her lips. "Lindsey will be thrilled to hear that you share her love of fine cuisine."
Oh, God. This last case. Oh, shit! It was so bad! I'm still not sure how to get past it. I knew there was going to be trouble as soon as I got the call. I came here, to the scene alone...and there she was. Lying on the bathroom floor. I had to do a double take. That woman, Debbie, looked just like Sara. For a minute, I just stood there, in complete shock, staring at her body. I think my heart may have stopped beating for a second or two. By the time I fully recovered, the team had arrived and were waiting outside. I saw Sara standing there and I swear, a huge weight floated away from me. I was so thankful she was ok. As much as I complain about her, I do care. She is my friend, and my co-worker. Sometimes, I even feel like she's sort of my daughter, so I'm glad she's safe. I couldn't allow her to go into that house - to see Debbie - so I took Cath with me. She was the best choice anyway. She's my foundation, my rock. I can handle any situation if Catherine Willows is there with me. This was a very tough case, though.
Catherine shivered as memories of Debbie Marlin's face returned to her. "She was...God. She could've been Sara's twin. It was one of the creepiest things I'd ever seen."
I knew I was in for the long haul on this one. I had no intention of resting until I found something... anything to help us figure out who had killed Debbie and why. Every time I walked into that bathroom, even after the body had been removed, I saw Sara's face. In the mirror...everywhere. It was very unsettling. I think I'd been at the scene for almost eighteen hours when I heard Cath's voice. At first I thought I had hallucinated it. But when I looked up, there she was, standing at the end of the hallway. She looked like an angel. She was obviously concerned about me. She convinced me to take a break and eat something. I thought she had maybe brought something, but she didn't and said she was going to check the fridge. I made a joke that we were going to have to replace whatever she found, but she didn't reply. I went out onto the patio to wait for her. The fresh air outside actually relaxed me a little bit. It was sort of cleansing. When Cath brought me yogurt and peanut butter, I was actually starting to feel almost normal again. Until she mentioned taking a shower. I knew when she said 'we should talk about a shower,' she meant that I should go home and take one, even before she clarified the fact for me. And, so help me God, as focused as I was on solving this case, I swear I would've dropped just about anything (momentarily, anyway) if she had suggested joining me in that shower. I knew I gave her a strange look because that's when she clarified by saying she meant at my place. That I needed to go home. I almost said I'd go if she'd come with me, but I just promised to leave when we found some evidence. We were talking through the events, and she started going on about showering, cleaning up, oiling up. When she got to 'sexed up', I was so distracted, all I could think to do was to suck the peanut butter from my finger and suggest we go to the bedroom. If we had been anywhere else, I'm almost positive that Cath would've realized that what I had said had two very separate meanings. One much more appealing than the other. Anyway, we checked the room and found some red silk ties on the sides of the bed. Cath made a comment about some guys needing leverage. She thought it would embarrass me. I'm not sure why though. I just commented 'They do?', but I could've said 'Well, I don't. Wanna see?'
Catherine giggled.
"Jeeze, Gil. For someone who always seems so focused, so serious all the time, you sure have a lot of interesting thoughts running through that big brain of yours."
She paused and ran her fingers through her hair as she arched her back in a long, refreshing stretch. A soft moan of tension being released passed over her lips.
"Now, if you'd just open your damn mouth and say something about them, maybe we could take care of some business."
We finally figured out who killed Debbie. A doctor she had worked with. But he was playing hardball. Wouldn't confess. Jim tried everything, but the guy wouldn't budge. As the doctor and his lawyer were leaving, I launched into this, I don't know, story I guess. I wanted him to think we were kindred spirits. So I started talking about how we had spent our whole lives completely dedicated to our work. How we only touched other people with our latex gloves on...never letting anyone in. Then one day, a young, beautiful woman comes along and offers us a new life. And how we could see ourselves really caring about her. I told him that I couldn't do it. Couldn't give anything up. But that he had. She had shown him a whole different world. But in the end, she took it all away. Found someone new. So he had killed her and her new lover. When I finished talking, I just sort of sat there, thinking about what I'd said. It had been a gamble. One I had taken because I knew no one would ever know about it. Except the doctor, his lawyer and Jim. And I'm so glad that Jim was the only one on the staff who had heard my little tale. It puts my mind at ease, at least a little bit. I can't even imagine what Sara would think if she'd been there. Yes, I do. She would consider it a confession of my feelings for her. Jim even asked me about it later. Was I talking about me and Sara? I swear I almost lost it, but I just made it very clear to him that I wasn't talking about her. If Cath had overheard? I know she would've thought I was talking about Sara too, and that would be horrible. I mean, she is the one who actually said how much Debbie looked like Sara. That she could've been Sara's twin. Anyway, no one else was there, so I'm safe. And in truth, I wasn't even talking about anyone. I was getting into the shoes of the suspect. Trying to make him see me as a friend. A confidant. 'Hey man, been there - done that. I feel for you. Tell me your story.' That type of thing. We knew he had killed Debbie, but a confession would've been the icing on the cake, so to speak. I just wanted to give him that final push, you know? I guess it worked, he confessed later on that day. He's going to spend a very long time in prison. I'm still having a hard time putting this case behind me though. It's been some time now, yet I still get chills every time I see Sara. I've started avoiding her - only seeing her when I absolutely have to. I can't tell if she's noticed, but it really doesn't matter even if she has. For right now, it's necessary. For me, for my state of mind, anyway. God. I'm so glad no one heard me in that interrogation room......
Catherine was speechless. As she was reading Gil's words, jealousy rose within her and her heart began to plummet. Even though he'd said he wasn't talking about Sara, part of Catherine didn't believe it. Debbie had looked just like her! How could he not be talking about Sara?
"Don't be stupid and childish, Cath." She shook her head roughly from side to side as she scolded herself. The green streak of jealousy disapated almost as quickly as it had come. "You've been sitting here, in this chair, for well over an hour, reading Gil's journal. Has he said he loves Sara? Even once? No. So why in the hell are you behaving like a twelve-year old?"
Catherine brushed her fingers over her face and was shocked to feel moisture. She hadn't even felt the tears forming in her eyes, let alone falling to her cheeks.
"God," she said with a short laugh. "I am such a baby! Gil and I aren't even together and I'm acting like he dumped me for Sara. Get a grip woman! Sheesh!"
She went out tonight. Catherine. She went out...on a date. Well, I don't know for sure that it was a date, but going by the way she was dressed, I'm pretty positive. Part of me is so jealous that I could see myself going out, finding them, and throttling this guy, whoever he is. Telling him to stay away from my woman. My woman? How pathetic is that? We aren't even together, but I think of Catherine as mine. The other part of me is completely numb. I had an opportunity to tell her how I feel, that I want to be with her, and I totally wussed out. AGAIN! And now, she's out with someone else! I haven't been able to leave my desk since she left. I've been sitting here, for two hours, wallowing in my stupidity, and thinking about the past few days. But I guess I should start at the beginning. Cath and I got called to a crime scene within hours of getting off shift. I had been watching the World Series of Poker (A fact that I still can't believe I admitted to her! She must think I'm such a loser!) because I couldn't sleep. I asked if she'd gotten any sleep and she said about a half hour. She still looked incredible though. She had on this tight blue tank top under a black jacket and skin tight dark gray pants. God. Then to top it off, she pushed her sunglasses up into her hair...I love it when she does that! It makes her look both innocent and sexy at the same time. Anyway, a club owner, Mike Trent, and his wife Laurel had been murdered in their driveway. Cath and I checked things over and made the decision to rollout the entire team, including Greg. Then, about halfway through the case, I called Catherine into my office. Her performance evaluation was due, and if I didn't get it in, I'd get written up. She showed up in the exact same outfit she had been wearing when we got called out to the Trent house. I'll be honest, she should wear blue all the time. It really looks great on her... But I've gone off-topic yet again. When I asked her what her goals were, Cath launched into a personal tirade. No. Tirade isn't the right word. I guess it was more like a wish list. She mentioned wanting two nights off in a row, cutting her triple shifts in half, and finding a good, reliable babysitter so that she could have a personal life. Inwardly, I smiled at her admission. For a change, I didn't feel so bad about not having a personal life myself. I was slightly shocked that she didn't have one, though, so I asked about it. That's when she dropped a bomb on me. She said she hadn't had sex in seven months. My internal glee expanded at those words. Cath hadn't had sex with anyone in seven months!!! I wish I was the cause of her half year of celibacy, that she hadn't been with anyone because she wanted to be with me. But I know that couldn't possibly be the case. The first thing I thought of was that it had been a lot longer than seven months since I've had sex. The second thing that popped into my head was 'How can I help?' But instead of just thinking it, I actually said the words. Out....Loud.... I knew my face turned red. I felt the heat of the blush creep over my cheeks. I thought for sure that Cath would make a joke, but she didn't. She didn't say anything...just smiled. And if I hadn't known better, I would've sworn that smile was a challenge for me to finish the thought. The thought she couldn't possibly know was swirling around in my head at that very moment.
"Well, I didn't know what you were thinking, Gil," she paused as a blush colored her own features crimson. "But I know what I was thinking."
I should've just stopped, let my words hang there in the air, but I didn't. I added 'You...advance, I mean.' Which I didn't mean. I felt the magic of the moment slip away and it made me so sad. I told her that as supervisor, it was part of my job to train someone to take my place. She seemed shocked and asked if I was going somewhere. I said something like 'you never know' under my breath and basically sidestepped her question. Then she asked if I was considering her. I told her that yes, she's qualified...but... And, boy was it a big but. I brought up Sam Braun and the fact that she had used our DNA lab to establish her own paternity. I knew it was going to lead to a fight, but I had to say it. The fact that she had even done it called her judgment into question. I wanted to make sure she knew that I knew. I hadn't put the DNA thing in her eval and she asked if I was covering for her. I just told her that I considered the matter dead...handled internally. Then I asked her to sign her name on the eval. That's when she dropped her second bomb. She said that Sam had given her a check. That she'd cashed it. I asked how much, but she didn't give me a figure. Our fight escalated into conflict of interest concerns and the possibility of compromising the lab, not legally but ethically. She said she'd never do that to me or the lab. Which of course I knew, but it was still an issue. I asked if there was anything else I needed to know. The way she looked at me in that moment, like I had attacked her with my words, broke my heart into a million pieces. 'That's everything,' was all she said before signing her name and leaving. God. I felt so bad I almost chased after her to apologize. I 't. I think we were trying to avoid each other or something, because I didn't see her again until after the case was closed. She came by my office after shift. There she was, standing in my doorway, looking incredibly sexy in a low-cut tank top and tight leather jacket. I swear I stopped breathing for a second. She'd stopped to let me know she was leaving for the night and asked if I needed anything. My heart was screaming 'Yes! I need you! You, damnit! You!', but my mouth refused to cooperate. I just told her that I was good. The words sounded so hollow when they reached my ears. She must have thought the same thing, because she asked if we were good. I had to think for a minute before answering. I wasn't really sure if we were ok, at least not at that moment, so I told her that we would be. My answer seemed to satisfy her. She said 'Ok, see you tomorrow,' and started to walk away. I wanted her to stay a little longer, so I called after her and asked a question I wasn't sure I wanted the answer to. 'You goin' out?', I heard myself say. Catherine turned back to me and said she had 'unfinished business' to take care of. The look on her face made it obvious that she had a date. I watched her walk away, a part of me dying with each step she took. So here I sit, broken-hearted and alone. But it's not Catherine's fault. She has a life to lead. I'm the one who isn't man enough to tell her how I feel.
Below this entry, was another sketch. Of her. Standing in the doorway to Gil's office.
"No, Gil, it's not my fault, you big dope!" Catherine brushed away a fresh batch of frustrated tears. "Had you just opened your mouth, made a move, something, ANYTHING, Chris and I..." She sniffled at the thought of her current lover. "Well, we never would have happened."
Chris.
Catherine sighed. She liked Chris. A lot. He was attractive and very, very nice. He treated her like a queen and she hadn't been treated that way in a really long time...if ever. She was enjoying their relationship.
"But," she said, tracing her fingertips over Gil's words and drawing. "He's not you."
I saw them tonight. Together. Cath and her new 'friend', Chris. At least I think that's what his name is. She hasn't told me about him, and I don't know how to feel about that. In the past, she's been pretty open about her personal life. At least with me. But not this time. It makes me a little sad. Then again, I'm not sure I could handle hearing about him...about them. Not that it was easy with any of the others, it definitely wasn't. Lately though, I've been having a hard time dealing with the way I feel about her. I've been lashing out, over-reacting to things. It all started after the discussion we had during her evaluation. Since that day, when I actually said what I was thinking and Cath really seemed to be genuinely interested - the moment I ruined by opening my big mouth and changing the path of the conversation - things have been strained between us. Then, on top of that, I had to ask Sara for a favor. I needed her to process a woman for me. I didn't want to, but I had no other choice. When she brought me her results, I just stared at her. I'm not even sure why. I still haven't figured it out. She looked overly tired. Worn out. Maybe, like me, she's been having trouble sleeping. Anyway, she brought me out of my trance with a snippy 'What?' I said I hadn't seen her in a while, but she answered that I see her every day. I don't know, maybe I've been so caught up in my own personal stuff over Catherine, I haven't been paying attention to the rest of the staff. That scares me a little. What if my personal shit starts to interfere with my work. What if I screw up? God...something's got to give, and soon. Then again...it's possible the thing that needs to give is me. Maybe it's time for me to be a man and tell Catherine how I feel. I should have stopped her from leaving with him tonight. I should have run to his car, grabbed her by the hand and pulled her to me. I'm such a fool!
"Should have, should have, should have!" Catherine slammed her closed fists down onto the notebook. "I would've gone with you! Damnit! I would've abandoned Chris sitting there in his car and left with you!"
I was assaulted. I still can't believe it. Our most recent case involved a guy who had a serious anger management problem - to say the least. Jim and I were interrogating him. I got up and started scrapping under his fingernails for evidence. I had barely started, when he lost it and sprung on me, grabbing me by the throat. It took four cops with billy clubs to finally subdue him. He actually died, but not from what the cops did. Anyway, Cath showed up immediately to work on the body with David. She came out of the room to check on me. She asked if I was ok and the 'I'm fine' that came out of my mouth was 100 standard Gil Grissom issue. Catherine knew it. She's heard the same two words from me way too many times to count. She reached out to touch my bruises, and while I long for the moments when she does touch me, I flinched a little. She commented that it looked like a hickey. I pushed her hand away and felt myself smirk. There are moments like these when I feel like she and I are in high school. At least that's how we act. We talked a little longer, but as much as I'd love to spend every second with her, we had a case to solve. Later, we were in my office discussing the case and Cath's cell phone rang. I knew who it was as soon as she started talking. She turned her back to me and I couldn't help but feel jealous. I overheard her tell him, Chris, to 'hold that thought until later'. I swear I turned green with envy. How I wish it had been me on the other end of that call. She hung up and apologized. She made the comment 'A new friend.' I said congratulations, and I knew I sounded sarcastic. Hell, I was sarcastic! I'm not happy about it. I almost said so, but Greg came in and interrupted us. I was relieved because he saved me from saying something I would probably regret later. Then again, if I had said something, anything, years ago, I might be the one holding on to thoughts of her, waiting for her to come and fulfill them with me.
"Gil, I just don't get it. How can you live you life like this?" She shook her head from side to side. "Reading about your feelings is like watching a tennis match or a kid with a yo-yo. Back and forth. Up and down." She rubbed her temples and laughed softly. "It's giving me a migraine."
I swear I don't know how much more of this I can take! This past week, the team had been working on the Desert Relay Race investigation. Our lab was taking part in the race along with numerous other teams. That's where my most recent set of problems started. Everyone from night shift, with the exception of Jim and myself, was running. Cath asked me if I would be her follow car. I accepted, of course. I figured I'd get to spend some one-on-one time with her in a safe, non-work related situation. That I wouldn't spend the entire time dwelling on the fact that we aren't a couple. That I wouldn't be drooling over her like I normally am. More proof at how utterly stupid I really am. She showed up for the race in a tight running suit - black shirt, blue shorts. They left nothing to the imagination. And she had her hair in braided pig tails. PIG TAILS! I had to force myself to keep breathing, not to mention the fact that I was driving and had to watch the road. I turned on the CD player as an attempt at distraction. The music I had chosen was Chariots of Fire. It was supposed to be sort of a joke. I thought she'd get a kick out of it. Maybe even get a little inspired to race harder. She didn't. 'Sedative' I think was the exact word she used to describe it. So I switched to the radio. Country music. She didn't appreciate that choice either. I finally found some rock station. It was playing a song that gained her approval. The only line I remember hearing from it is 'Are you gonna be my girl?' Are you, indeed? I need to get a hold of a copy of that song so I can hear the rest. I bet either Greg or Nick has it. I'll have to check with them. Anyway, I happened to glance out my window and saw a race flasher blinking in an area that was off the race course. It struck me as odd, so of course I had to check it out. I knew I was going to stir up a boatload of trouble with the staff, especially Cath, but something about the situation seemed, I don't know, off. Turns out, my instincts were right on. The blinker was attached to a dead runner - Tim Coleman. Boy was Cath pissed. I heard her yelling for me the moment she realized I was pulling the SUV away from her. When she finally reached me, her wrath was at full steam. She asked if I was taking a leak or something and continued on about training and CSI's...until she saw the body. Once she realized what was happening, she calmed down. I was almost sad that her anger disappeared so quickly because she looked so hot standing there in her fit of fury. I guess it really doesn't matter. It wasn't like I could keep my eyes off of her anyway - no matter how hard I tried. During the entire case, it was like my gaze was magnetically drawn to her. Whether we were hovering over Tim Coleman's body or going through evidence at the lab. At one point, I was so turned on that I had to actually send her away. We needed Coleman's race bag, so I asked Cath if she'd go get it from his teammates. As she walked out in her tight white tank top, I wanted to throw my jacket over her. I didn't, though. Part of me, the semi-logical part that is, figured that, given my reaction to her outfit, the guys at the race would be too busy drooling over her to be any trouble. Oh, I was jealous though. Later on, we were going over evidence, looking though the microscope, and Cath brushed against me. I know she must have felt my erection, but she gave no indication that she had noticed anything. Working with her on this case was definitely worth all of the cold showers and, what's the phrase? Black balls? No, no. Not black. Blue. Blue balls. That's it. The cold showers and blue balls I had to endure. Well worth it.
"I actually did feel that little 'expression' of your feelings, Mr. Grissom." The corners of her mouth curled upward. "And believe it or not, I almost threw down the gauntlet right then and there. I was so tempted to make a comment like 'use it or lose it', or maybe 'put up or shut up.'" She laughed. "Use it or lose it? Put up or shut up? Blue balls? God. Maybe we should be back in high school!"
There was an accident at the Pharoh's Fever roller coaster...my most recent case. When Jim showed up at the scene, he called me 'Dr. Thrillseeker,' and inwardly, I laughed. It made me feel sort of cool. I would never admit that to anyone though. Anyway, I worked with Sara, Nick and Greg on this one, and sent Cath to work with Warrick on a DB found near some train tracks. I would've liked to have her with me, but Cath doesn't share my love of roller coasters. As a matter of fact, I think she downright detests them.
"That's for sure." She shivered. "Hurlting down a rickety track in small cars with questionable seatbelts? By choice? I'll pass."
I've tried to take her with me, when I'm winding down after a tough case, but she always says no. It's something I'd really love to share with her. It's not like I can force her to go, though. I wouldn't even try - she'd probably kick my ass. Anyway, I checked in with Warrick to see how their case was going. He told me that when they first arrived at the DB, Cath started talking about the bugs that were on the corpse and all around it. 'It was creepy, man. Like she was channeling you or something.' When I hung up with him, I think I laughed so hard I hurt myself. My lungs still ache. It was nice to hear that I'm rubbing off on her. Although, I'd rather be rubbing on her.
Laughter burst from Catherine. It came so hard and so fast that she almost choked on the air she inhaled. With eyes tearing, she reached out for her warm soda and took a long drink.
"Bleech! Warmer than before. Then again, warm diet pop is better than choking to death...on laughter." She smirked at her own words. "I wonder if that's even scientifically possible. Choking on laughter. I'll have to ask Gil. If anyone will know, he will."
Well, I finally had to do it. Remove Catherine from a case. And this time, I had to stick to my decision. Then again, she didn't put up her usual fight either. Maybe she knew it was best for everyone involved. It was hard though. I really wanted to work with her. It's been a while and I've missed her. The case involved Sam Braun and his casinos, and there was no way I could allow her to work this one. Especially after the whole check mess. But, the way she looked at me when I told her she had to go home, that she was off the investigation, it broke my heart. And afterward, when she was gone, I felt sick. I knew she'd go to Chris. Spend her time off with him. The thought of them together almost made me pick up my phone and call her back, reassign her to the case. But, I knew that would be a mistake. For the sake of the lab, the investigation, and Catherine herself, I had to keep her away from it. So, I swallowed the nausea that had risen inside of me and got to work. She did come to me once, with some information about the case. She mentioned the tire tracks she'd found at the neon graveyard. I made an off-handed comment about 'the case she wasn't working on.' From the glare she gave me, I could tell she wasn't amused. She snapped back at me. Told me that she'd seen Sam. That he'd come to her. I told her that I hoped she had walked away, but she said she'd made him walk away from her. I guess he had gotten into a limo and when it pulled away, she noticed that it had a very wide turning radius. I told her that it didn't prove anything, and that any evidence that came from her would be tainted. She said I should have it come from me...someone whose character was above reproach. God, her words just about killed me. She thinks I'm above reproach? Above making mistakes? I jeopardized the entire lab by not coming clean about my hearing! But her words also meant that she felt I thought she wasn't above reproach. That I don't trust her judgment. She should know better! I trust her more that anyone! I trust her with my life! I wanted to grab her and hug her, but I knew she'd feel like I was patronizing her. So I let her walk away. To make things worse, Sara and I got into it too! I told her, in my own subtle way, that she should think about taking a vacation. She snapped at me, asking how long it had been since I'd taken one. And you know what? She's right. Maybe I do need some time away. Clear my head. Get my feelings back under some kind of control... Anyway, I met with Sam. Looked over his holding room in an attempt to find some sort of evidence that our victim had been killed at the Rampart. Sam made a comment that really struck a nerve with me. He asked which bothered me more, not being able to pin a murder on him, or the fact that Catherine had cashed his check. He told me that there were no strings attached to his money. I simply replied that just because you can't see something doesn't mean it's not there. Not that I believe for one minute that Sam could buy Catherine off. I mean, she's made mistakes, who hasn't? But she would never compromise herself like that. The problem is, it still makes me uncomfortable knowing she took his money, father or not. In the end, it turned out that Sam had nothing to do with the vic's death. We found no evidence connecting him to the crime. Sara and I went over his limo and found nothing. Although she did bring up the promotion. Ugh. Here was the moment I knew was coming, but definitely was not looking forward to. She was angry that I had recommended Nick...obviously not a surprise to anyone. She said she thought I didn't have a problem with her. How was I supposed to respond to that? I just told her that I don't have a problem with her. That I recommended Nick because he didn't care whether or not he got the job. She quipped that it was a stupid reason. And, maybe it was, but I let the subject drop. I didn't owe her any kind of explanation anyway. And if I had started trying to give her one, I knew that I would've ended up screaming at her. Telling her to look in the mirror and try to figure out why she didn't get the promotion. Look in the mirror and decide what she needs to do with herself...to find herself. Or at least start the process of getting herself together. But I didn't. I'm not like that. Not a cruel person. Maybe if I was, she and I wouldn't be in the position we're in. If I could just say 'Sara, get over your school girl crush on me and move on,' she could get over it. Then again, if I'd just tell Catherine how much I love her...
Catherine sighed deeply.
"As much as it sucked to be removed from a case..." She paused and re-thought her words. "As much as it hurt to have you take me off of that case, I understood."
I just wrapped up the strangest, most depressing case. This woman, Linley Parker, had been raped. She was the perfect victim, scientifically speaking. She had seen her attacker, gave a perfect description of him to the forensic artist. Gave a partial description of his license plate and car. She even, without any hesitation, picked this guy, Todd Coombs out of a police line-up. I thought we had a slam-dunk on this one. The only problem was that the DNA from the semen we found didn't match Coombs' DNA. When Catherine told Linley that we had to let him go, that the DNA didn't match, she became upset, understandably so. And, to be honest, I was pretty upset too. I mean, everything, EVERYTHING we had pointed to Coombs. Except the DNA. The results proved that only seven out of thirteen markers matched - leading us to believe it could have been his brother who had attacked Linley. So we let him go. Then, God, Linley was murdered. She called Catherine as it was happening. She rushed to the scene immediately, then called me. We traced Linley through the GPS chip in her cellular phone. Needless to say, she was dead. It was like Susanna all over again. How could I have failed another victim? The worst part, besides Linley's senseless death I mean, is that Todd Coombs was guilty. He was the rapist. Murderer. She had IDed the right man. The thing is, Todd Coombs is a chimera. He has two separate DNA strands within his body. As much as I'm so thankful that we found out the truth and that justice has been done in this case, I'm still devastated over Linley. So, here I sit, at my desk, trying my hardest to make some serious decision about the direction of my life. I've seen so much disappointment, so much pain, so much death, in my life, that it's time for some happiness. And the one place where I know I'll find happiness is with Catherine. With Lindsey. With the people I love most in this world. As soon as I finish up here, I'm going over there and I'm telling her everything. I can't let another day go by. If I do, I may as well be dead. I can't let any more time pass me by...without her.
Tears were spilling down Catherine's face as she read. The wet drops fell from her eyes and splashed against the paper. Catherine choked back a cry when she realized that the ink was smearing because of her tears. She quickly blotted the page before any serious damage could be done.
There was only one more short passage beneath the one she'd just read. Then nothing. Catherine knew Gil had not made it over to her house that night. She hoped this explained why.
Damnit! Why does this always have to happen to me?! I just got a call. Sara was picked up for a DUI. The arresting officer let her off as a professional courtesy. The legal limit had just been lowered...she was just above it...he cut her a break. She's damn lucky! A DUI would have ruined her career! What is wrong with her? Jesus! It's like she's deliberately trying to sabotage herself. Now I have to go pick her up and take her home. I guess I just have to put my happiness on hold one more time. I just hope it isn't too late for me.
His words ended. There was nothing further. Closing the cover, Catherine sighed and glanced at the telephone. She hesitated for only a split second before picking it up and dialing the number. He answered on the third ring, his voice scratchy and rough with sleep.
"Hello?"
"Did I wake you?"
"Yeah, but that's ok. What's up?"
"Uh... well... I sort of... um."
"Cath, is everything ok? You sound funny."
There was a long pause. Catherine had pulled out her wallet. Inside, next to a picture of Lindsey, was a picture of them. Gil and her. They had been interviewed for an article on forensics for a magazine. Catherine had become friends with the woman who had written the piece. She had sent Catherine a few wallet-sized copies of the picture that had been taken of them - publicity shots to accompany the article. Catherine had given a copy to Gil and had kept one of her own. It had been in her wallet ever since. She was tracing her fingers tenderly over his face when his voice startled her.
"Hello? Are you still there?"
"I'm coming over," she said.
"But..."
Catherine hung up the telephone before he could protest. She called Warrick told him she had an emergency. That he needed to take over shift. She placed the photo back in her wallet, flipped the notebook closed, slid it under her arm and left the office.
Continued in Chapter 6