Chapter 7 (A letter of truth)
A/N: Ok, this is Sara's part of the confession. Don't shoot me, if it's too sentimental. That's just a mushy story. I don't know how it came to that (honestly!).
Sorry for the weird format, but this program wouldn't quite do what I wanted.
xxxxx
Sara had retreated inside to gather her thoughts. Now she knew what he had to go through every day because of her. She knew he had reservations, but never would she have expected such a deeply rooted fear. No wonder he had retreated from her advances.
Time to put her plan into action. If it worked then she could get everything out and come closer to him without either of them having the possibility to backtrack. She put extra care into every word. It was supposed to be perfect.
She spent the remainder of the morning on her plan. By the time they usually had lunch she was done. She prepared some fruit for herself and a soup for Grissom. That was about the extent of her cooking skills, but for today it would suffice.
She called him in and they ate in silence. Their minds were still hovering over their earlier conversation and what would follow. Finally Grissom couldn't stand it anymore.
"Sara, please." She put her plate away and moved to stand next to him. He looked up at her and read her lips.
"I think this will be easier for both of us." She handed him a letter. "When you're done, and I want you to read it to the end before you do anything, I'll be waiting for you outside."Sara saw him nod in understanding and left the room to take a walk on the beach.
Grissom was apprehensive about reading the letter. He was afraid that he might not like what she had to say, but he was even more afraid that he would. The fear was growing again just as his resolve to go through with this was waning. But then he saw her, how hurt and scared she had been in the hospital and he started to read.
xxxxx
Dear Grissom,
As
you know, language is not one of my strong suits, so please forgive
me if my words may sound clumsy to you or you stumble over the
sluggish ones.
I admire a lot of things about you. Most of all, I
admire your vast knowledge. You never seize to amaze me with some
little tidbit of information.
I also admire that, as a
consequence, you're almost always right. But this time you're
wrong
You're wrong about this. You're wrong about yourself.
You're wrong about me. And your wrong about us.
You're wrong trying to sort this out alone. You treat everything in life like a science experiment, everything but us. Try to look at it from a different angle. If we were an experiment what would you do? It's always trial and error. If you can't make it work on the first try, try again. If you're stuck, ask for another opinion. If it is something that you can't do alone, get help. Try until you succeed.
You're
wrong about yourself. You think so little of yourself. Why is that?
I never knew that you think you haven't done anything. I never
thought you didn't know what you have achieved. You tell me your
work doesn't matter and I simply can't believe that. Don't you
see what I see?
I see someone who has accomplished things most
men – and women – can only dream of.
I see someone who helped
thousands of families through his work.
I see someone well
respected for his extensive knowledge, and not only in his own field.
Your reputation is well known throughout the whole country.
I see
someone a lot of people look up to.
I see someone who has earned
so much respect that people – his friends – stand by him, risking
their jobs.
In short, a lot of people would be glad to be in your
position.
Why did you try to destroy this? Over the last year you
seem to have given up. You were trying so hard to deconstruct your
picture to those who admire you the most. Why?
You are
somebody!
Your personal life...I can't talk about something I
almost know nothing about. But I can tell you that you are refusing
yourself a lot. I'm not the only one who cannot find a way in.
You
have friends, Grissom, they like you, but you're denying yourself
our friendship.
We used to be friends, real friends. Now it's
gone. Why?
I know you're scared, but you wouldn't have to
think so low of yourself if you could let someone help you when you
stumble.
Please try. Whatever happens, please try.
You're
wrong about me.
You must think I'm superficial, judging you by
the cover.
You imply that I don't know what I'm doing, what I
want.
I think the problem is that you think this is a crush, and
infatuation. Let me tell you something.
IT IS NOT!
Grissom,
I've had these feelings for a while know. And I've been fighting
them just as long, but they won't go away. I don't want to put a
name to my feelings yet, but it is not a crush or a mere infatuation.
That is for sure.
I don't care that you're older than me. Age
is nothing I think about.
I don't care that your body is not one
of a model. Nobody wants that anyway.
I don't care that one day
you might lose your hearing.
I don't care that you need
glasses. In fact I think they do you good.
I don't care about
all the imperfections. I care about YOU.
I like you the way you
are. I would never expect you to change anything just to appear
younger. I have already seen all that, seen you, and I am still
here.
I can't predict the future Grissom anymore than you do, so
can't we just wait and see what really happens?
What If I had an
accident at the lab and lost my hearing? What if I go blind with age?
What if I lost my ability to walk in an accident? Would that
influence the way you feel about me?
Give me a little credit
here. You once said you trusted me, my work.
So trust me to
decide what I deserve.
You're also wrong about me walking out on
you. I am not that flighty.
I know I've made mistakes. I know
you think that I will leave because of someone like Hank.
I will
tell you this one more time, and only one more time. We were friends,
and nothing more. I went to him because you kept pushing me away. I'm
not saying that it was entirely your fault, it was mine too.
I'm
sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I saw it in your eyes when Gerard
mentioned him. I didn't mean for it to happen like that. Please
believe me that I'm sorry.
You said I deserved a life. If I had
had even a glimmer of hope from you that that life could be with you,
I would have never looked anywhere else.
There is nothing else I
have to say about this. If you choose not to believe me, I can't
make you see the truth.
As I said there are no guarantees in
life. The only thing I can promise you, is that my feelings for you
won't simply vanish. They are here, they are strong and they are
lasting.
So
basically, what I'm trying to tell you is:
You're wrong about
US.
We can work through everything together. We are scientists
and our specialty is problem solving.
Please, give us a chance to
solve this problem.
Give us a chance.
Please
Sara
xxxxx
Grissom clutched the paper in his hands and let the tears flow. Her truth had invaded his heart and it was now fighting even harder against his head.
He still didn't know what to do, but he knew now what he wanted.
He wanted Sara.
TBC