Chapter three
By: Dreamer Soreen
"Faint."
I am
After Liana passed away, my life took a turn for the worst. I slowly began to break away from my twin brother and started to hang out with what my mom considered the "wrong crowd." I began smoking and doing weed. It helped in the beginning, but soon it got worse. I began poppin' pills, it didn't matter what they were as long as I got fucked up and didn't remember a damn thing. And that was mostly the case. I would hang out with the supplier, you hang out the one who starts smoking it... wait until he has a couple of hits and ask for a hit that way you never have to buy any. There was two eighteen year olds and they bought cigarettes, you gave them the money and they'd buy it for you if you were under age. They didn't care. Then we had a thirty year old who bought us drinks and we'd stay at his place when we smoked and drinked.
I always told mom that I was going over to a friend's house on the weekends. I'd stay there all weekend and come back home as sober as I could. I got cigarettes for the week, by the time the weekend started I was through two or three packs. Then we'd smoke our weed on Friday night, or pop some pills, whatever the case we were fucked up before midnight and laughed at stupid shit. I was poppin' one night and the dude was so high, that he couldn't find the bathroom so his pissed himself. It was funny how he did it too. But I don't remember that part. All I remember was that he pissed himself. Then on Saturday night, we'd drink until we couldn't walk straight, and then sleep half of Sunday away with hangovers. Normally when I came home, it was supper time and they brought my meal up to my room.
A little bit of loneliness
Then when I think about Liana, I realize that I'm alone. I know how her sister feels. Liana was Hikari's twin sister. Drake, Hikari and I would go on double dates all the time. I knew Drake liked Hikari, but he never asked her out. Drake knows I love Liana, or Lin for short, and he wouldn't try to get into relationship with Hikari, if I was going to marry her. But now that she's gone, he's playing the field. Nothing can stop him while I'm here lonely and missing my girl.
A handful of complaints
All my teachers had some kind of complaint for my parents. Once they swore that I was smoking in the bathroom, because I smelled like it. That took place before Lin passed away, so I wasn't introduced into the world of drugs. I knew that they existed, but never did them or took them. So I knew I was clean, there was some stupid mother fucker in there smoking and that's why I smelt like it. They couldn't prove what happened, whether I was smoking or not, so I got suspended for a week. I couldn't break the code at school by rating the guy out. So when I found him off school grounds, I beat his ass. After that he never smoked in the bathroom again or I never caught him in there.
But I can't help the fact
That everyone can see these scars
Then I've gotten into stupid fights before. Once, someone really hurt Lin's feelings and I went overboard. I beat the stupid mother fucker until he was put into the hospital for a month. Lin was really mad at me for doing that, but I couldn't help it. And because of that fight, from the elbow to my wrist I have a scar. When I attacked that guy, he pulled a knife on me. I went to punch him and missed, he cut my arm there. I screamed "fuck," and flew at him and punched him even more, after that I actually hit him. I had to get stitches and now I wear an archery arm guard that covers the scar. I can't stand to look at it without thinking of her.
I can't convince you
Just to believe this is real
About two months Lin left me, I just about over dosed on drugs. I got high and popped too many pills at the same time and I was fucked up. Then I woke up in a hospital, mom asked what the fuck was going on. Those were her words exactly. I tried to tell her that I was drugged, but she made me do a piss test and I failed. From then on mom never trusted me. Then I started to get my twin to do it, so mom wouldn't hold me back. I got her to the point where she thought I quit, but didn't. Then on the second time it happened again. But this time I was lost a couple of times on the way to the hospital. Then when I got better, all hell broke loose.
So I let go
Watching you
Then I remembered what happened to Lin... in a way, it opened my mind. I needed to stop, I think it was her who gave me the sign. I believe that she's watching me, even in the afterlife. So, that night I lay a wake, seeing her and her smile flash through my eyes. After remembering everything that made her laugh, serious, and cry, I drifted off into a dreamless sleep for the first time in a year.
Turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
Then after mom and I got into another fight, she left to go help support the movement to find Aires. And when I was acting like I cared, she turned and pretended that I didn't just ask her that. She seemed caught up in what was important to other's than what was happening right in front of her. Mom never wanted to talk to me, so I got my twin, Drake, to talk to her for me.
But I'll be here
'Cause your all I got
I knew that nothing I ever did, could change the past. But knew that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't leave this world. No matter what. I don't know what keeps me here, but I knew that I needed to clean up my act because it sure as hell wasn't going to get me anywhere. Then I began to see what was going on between Hikari and Drake. They weren't getting anywhere in their relationship... it was a stale mate. I know that they love each other, but wouldn't make a move because of me and Lin. So I began to play matchmaker. I typed up notes on the computer telling them where to meet, what to bring that kind of thing and slipped them under their doors and sat back and watched what happened.
At first they were shy, nothing was said, then they started talking about here and there things. When they got onto the subject of who wrote the note to who, I was in deep shit. I was sitting in a nearby tree, I literally fell out of the tree and they heard me. So I threw my cup in one direction and ran in the other. I made it back to the house and went up stairs, I quickly climbed out my window and sat on the roof. I was well hidden for a while, but when they found me, they locked all the outside windows so I couldn't get in. So I had to wait until Gabe came back from his training and banged on his window until he finally opened it.
I can't feel
The way I did before
There's also another catch to my story. I could never love again. It's hard to believe that someone at my age could know and understand love, but I do. I know how my parents feel for each other and when it pains them to be apart. I know all that, because Lin taught me how to love. She taught me that you also have to be careful with someone's heart, because if you weren't careful they could get hurt worse than you. My heart has been ripped in half when she left, but I know deep down inside that I'd never love another. I could probably love someone else, but the kind of love I feel for Lin could never be as strong for another. If I did find another, I'd tell them that I couldn't completely love them. Because honesty is another key with a partner. Then I'd tell them why I can't love them as much as I love Lin. I can never feel the way I did before...
Time won't heal
This damage anymore
Some say time will heal all, but there's this pain that's always there. Nothing can stop it unless you go mad. But I'm far from going mad. I've been damaged and no one can fix me. Send me to a shrink for all I care, they can't do shit to help me. Put me on those damn anti-depressants and you'll see a guy go off the deep end. Not really, but I think that's the idea.
'Cause you don't understand
I do what I can
No body understands the fact that I did what I could to save her. You don't know what you've got until it's gone, that's what my father recited to me all my life and he's right about that. But no one could comprehend what I went through. I was there when she was shot in the chest, I held her there in my arms trying to keep her awake... I cried as I held her in my arms... I knew she wouldn't last until the paramedics showed up. They were just to slow... I heard the sirens, but her breathing was slowing down and heavy... then she stopped entirely while saying "I love you" but she never got to say you. I screamed out loud and my body fell over top of hers as I cried. I so badly wanted to die right then and there. Sadly, my wish could never come true...
For once just hear me out
So I let go
They heard me out just once and that was it. Eventually, Drake and Hikari hooked up and everything was all right. Then one night out of the blue, I pull out a gun, I couldn't stop myself... I spun the bullet chamber and pulled the trigger.
Click.
It was the same gun that had killed Lin and it would do the same to her lover. I know it was a chickens way out, but what other choice did I have? I pulled the trigger again. I knew that I was drunk, but I could care less. Drake gets up in a frenzy to stop me and I shot him. I don't know if he's okay. Bakuryu goes to his aid. Gabe tried to stop me, but I couldn't control myself.
Click.
Another blank. I then pressed the cold barrel harder onto my temple and pulled it again...