Damaged
By
Miss-E
(I do NOT own 'Breaking The Habit' by Linkin Park. Or any of the Gundam boys.....as much as I'd like too. Mild Lime, Shonan-ai, WAFF, Angst. Duo POV All good stuff.)
...-Lyrics
'...'-thoughts
"..."Dialogue
Love is an awful thing.
Memories consume
like opening the wound.
I'm picking me apart again.
I sat in my room, teardrops falling on the faded photograph in my hands, blurring the people until the faces were nearly white spots amid the uniforms of the clergy and schoolchildren. I blamed myself. Completely. 'Stupid idea really. How many times has Heero told me it was pointless, stupid, and only will bring down your morale? Must have been at least twenty.' I looked down at the picture, memories forming unwillingly. Being found after the plague, getting warm meals without stealing for the first time, have people who cared for me like a son...'And it's my fault. My entire fault they were gone. I stole from the base, left tracks...they thought it was the pastor. Couldn't have been more wrong.' I threw the faded picture on the ground, and put my head in my hands.
All it has done is caused me pain.
You all assume,
I'm safe here in my room.
Unless I try to start again.
I ran, I hid, but the memories just keep coming. I AM the Shinigami, no question. Death follows me like a blanket, suffocating, and killing. But, I couldn't keep it all bottled inside. So, one by one, I had let on about my childhood, first to Quatre, then Trowa, and WuFei. Heero was last, since I didn't want my partner, and love of my life, to think of me as a wimp.
Yes, I was in love. Still am too. With a block of ice. That's what I thought in the beginning anyway. It wasn't love at first sight, it wasn't even a question of like, but of lust. Oh, how I lusted after him, even if it was stupid. But how could you not?!? Messy brown hair, Prussian blue eyes, a lean body, it was reasonable, even for someone as unreasonable as himself.
Yet, I still yearn for it.
But none of them knew the worst part of my 'tragic tale'. Quatre and Trowa knew about the massacre, but not Solo. The other two pilots knew about Solo, but not the church. And none of them knew about the fire. The one that took my parents.
I was young, about five. Someone, who I soon found out to be the landlord, had set a fire, to get the insurance money to pay off his debts. He didn't look-didn't even care –that people were inside. By the time help had arrived, they could only rescue a dozen people at the most, I was one of them. After that, I was placed in home after home, until one lady got so feed up with me that she sent me along with my meager possessions into the streets to take my chances with the world. Hasn't jaded me one bit...not.
Well, that's what brought me to meet the 'legendary Solo.' Well, not actually famous, but he was in the streets, so that's close enough. He saved me from getting shot at, and we became close. Getting attacked kinda does that for ya. When the plague happened, not only did I loose my best friend, I lost my family.
That of course led up to my stay at the Maxwell Church. Father and Sister Helen became like family to me. She was the first one to cut my braid. I refused to have it cut, since it was my only memory of Solo. He liked it that was, long. I thought that everything was fine, fine until I was so idiotic to steal a Mobile Suit Carrier from a base.
All it does is cause damage.
I was amazed. I had not only defeated death once, but three times. I was either a miracle, or a freak. I decided to go with my third option and name myself 'Shinigami', or the God of Death. Sounded quite fitting.
After that, I wandered around until I found an 'empty' shuttle, and got on, thinking a change of scenery would do me good. Turns out it belonged to Doctor G and his shuttle crew. After nimbly escaping the guards, (I got a lot of practice from being a street rat) and my tendency to blow things up, he decided that I, Duo Maxwell, would be a Gundam pilot, and decide who lives and who dies. Puts a spin on things.
That, of course led up to when I first met the "Perfect Soldier'. And we all know where that leads up to.
Irreversible damage.
I don't want to be the one
the battles always choose.
Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
I know I blab, talk, and can be a nuisance. I've learned to live with it. Apparently, so has Heero. We are close now, and have had many...encounters I guess you could say.
It certainly wasn't love at first sight for him either, from what he's told me. In fact, it took the reoccurrence of war and almost dying for him to kiss me, let alone anything else. At least none of us will ever have to worry about the others again. The five of us have three apartments in the same building in Pittsburgh. One for Quatre and Trowa, (a happily married couple), one for WuFei, and one for the two of us.
The door just slammed. Heero's home. Great. Just fucking great. He'll see me all teary-eyed and somehow blame it on himself. Has a guilt complex, that one. He works for the Preventors, we all do. Trowa and Heero work together, as do Quatre and I. WuFei works with Noin, and Sally with Zechs. Couples aren't allowed to be partners, for safety reasons. I called in sick today.
He just entered the bedroom. "Duo? Duo, where are you?"
"I'm...I'm in here, Heero." I replied sullenly.
"The closet?" He asked. I can here the perplexity in his voice.
"Yes!" I start to giggle, but when I realize, I shut my mouth.
He opens the door slowly, as to not hurt my eyes. He can be so sweet.
"Duo, tell me what's wrong."
And sometimes so annoying, but endearing. I spill, telling him everything. My entire past, my feelings, and even why I skipped work and would probably be punished.
"It's...it's the anniversary. Of the massacre. So I went to visit the memorial. Took most of the day but..."
"I see." He moved to sit down beside me, his arm holding me close. Close enough to see the unsaid love shining in his eyes in the dim light. This brings me to my next point.
"And I'm afraid..." I look down so as to not see his eyes. I love his eyes. His hand, however, wanted my face to look up into them as he asked his next question.
"What are you so afraid of?"
Am I so stupid that I can't stop it?
"That you'll die. Or leave me." I mumbled. Unfortunately, his excellent hearing caught it as it passed my mouth.
"What!?!"
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
The pause is lengthy.
"How...how could you think I would?" His voice trembled a bit.
"I don't think. I know."
His eyes turned cold. I felt chills, the 'You are dead' kind. My least favorite.
"Well, since it seems destined, I suppose I should get going."
My eyebrows went up in shock.
"What?!? NO!"
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
"You said it yourself. I'm going to leave you. Whether I love you, or not, which I do-"
"That's just it!" I exclaimed, my temper flaring. "Everyone that says they love me-in any shape or form-dies!"
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
He stares at me in shock.
"So, you think..."
"Yup."
"And there's no way..."
"Yup."
"Duo?"
"Yeah?"
"...You baka."
"What!?!"
"I fought in the war, I loved you all that time, and I lived. It takes a lot to kill me. You're worrying over nothing."
"Oh. Yeah." I felt a little, well a lot, sheepish.
"Now, stop beating yourself over what has passed, and let's take a hot bath...I hear you like bubbles. And we can....have some fun." He dangled a small tube in front of me. So he bought more lube...
"Hey Heero?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I know. Love you too, koi."
"Hee-Chan?"
He smiled at the nickname.
"Yes koi?"
So did I.
"Since I was a bad boy, for beating myself up, will I be punished?" I asked, an innocent leer on my face.
"Of course..." His voice trailed off as he entered the bathroom. I smiled, and knew that I wouldn't have anymore damage, or nightmares of my past for a long time.
"...get in here, you worrying braided baka."
"HEY!" I ran after him.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
Love is such a beautiful thing.
An: Well, this is my first 1x2x1 fic. I've written a few other things, but this is my first finished one. And Yaoi at that. Not too much citrus, I'm afraid. Wasn't in the mood. Feel free to comment! –Miss-E--