Chapter Seven

I shouldn't be rummaging through his stuff without asking first... but hey, I was sleeping with him, so I think I had the free pass to his stuff. And he was packing some stuff in the bedroom anyway.

I opened the top drawer of his desk and began to take things out of there. I was helping him to pack because with me doing this too it would be much quicker and we'd fisnish this sooner. I took some papers, a bunch of keys, a... hey, a camera. We didn't have any photos of us together. How sad this is? Well, I'll fix this right now.

I opened the part where the film was put and it was empty as I expected. I rummaged through the drawer again searching for any roll film that I could use and lucky me, there were a few. I opened one and get the camera ready then walked to the bedroom.

He was really handsome this morning. Not that he was well dressed up, because all he was wearing were an old black jeans and a light blue tee shirt and his hair was all out of place, because now it was big enough to be out of place. Hmmm... he needed a hair cut... His smell... it was so bad I couldn't take his smell with the picture.

He was bent down over the bed, folding clothes and putting them inside a bag and didn't notice when I entered the room. "Hey." I called and as soon as he turned I took a picture of him.

He blinked several times, startled and surprised with the sudden flash of light in his eyes. "What are you doing?"

"We have no pictures together." I smiled and took another one.

"I don't see you in these pictures you're taking."

"It doesn't matter as long as I have enough of yours."

"No way." He said and started walking towards me. "Give me this." He reached out a hand in an obvious ask for the camera. "My turn."

"Nope. I haven't had enough." I took the camera away from his touch and took a step back.

He ran to me and grabbed me before I could even think what was happening and the camera was in his hands before I could feel him taking it from me. He put one arm around my waist and held me to him while the other hand was over my head, stopping me from grabbing the camera back. I started giggling for no real reason, I just... felt it and let it out.

He looked down at me and suddenly everything stopped. My giggles stopped in my throat, his smile faded and his hand dropped, the one holding the camera because the other around my waist was firmly on me. I looked in his eyes and they sparkled, they shone to me again. It always happened when I looked at him and it amazed me.

He leaned in and joined our lips with gentleness and love that I could not, ever, get tired of. I pulled away due to a light and a noise startling me, stopping me from focusing on his mouth. I opened my eyes and stared at Martin, wondering what the hell was that but soon I got it. "Good memorie to have frozen, huh?" He whispered and I let a big smile spread over my lips.

"One of a lot." I whispered back and gave him a quick kiss before taking the camera from him. I put my free hand on his waist, holding him and Martin gently kissed the side of my head and rested his cheek on my hair. When I thought he was ready, I smiled and took one more picture.

And the day went by with us packing his things and taking pictures of us and our surroundings.

"My God, I had no idea you had so much stuff..." The words slowly made their way out, the tone of my voice letting it be obvious the disbelief I was feeling. I looked around my apartment just to make sure I was really only seeing boxes and bags. No way in hell I'd have space enough to put all of his things...

"I think we need a bigger place..." He whispered carefully, not really looking me in the eye because he knew I'd get what he meant. Move in to another bigger place, together. Our place. I felt this strange feeling running up and down my body. I wished I knew what this meant... I think it was, I don't know... a mix of hesitance, relief, apprehension...

I bit my lip and took a second look around my living room, where most of his stuff was and where I was standing, half looking at him half looking away. My God... was I taking things too quickly? Was I doing things without thinking straight? Was I... What was I doing? Didn't I love him? I mean, we were together about only a few months and I had already asked him to live with me...

"You ok?"

I looked at him with a start and gave Martin a weak smile. "Yeah. Just fine. I was just thinking." I gave him a smile more real and gave me one back then walked to me and gave me a quick kiss on the head.

Walking to the door he stopped only to get his keys from the table. "I have only a few more things in my apartment. I'll be back soon."

"Ok." I nodded and waved as he left.

I felt this nervous shake in my belly and that want to twist my hands or touch something repeatedly. I'd have to talk with Lisa about this. I needed some advice.

There I was again, twisting my hands and playing with my fingers and nails like I hadn't done for a long while. "Am I doing this too quickly?"

Lisa stared at me for a few seconds than looked down at the small board on her hands and registered something there, then looked back at me. "I don't know, Samantha. Do you feel as if you're doing this too quickly?"

"I don't know!" I yelled out of frustration. I didn't really want to yell, but I just couldn't stop myself. "That's why I'm asking you."

She sighed deeply and smiled at me. "You're just nervous, Samantha. You have never done that before, have you?"

I tapped my fingers on the soft leather couch, thinking back and forth if I should tell her... Fuck it... "When I was 18 I got married and stayed married for a few months."

"And it didn't work..."

I shook my head and laughed nervously. "Of course not. I was 18."

"But you're not 18 anymore. And you're in love with Martin."

"I know, but..."

"You're afraid of this not working either."

I bit my lip to stop tears from falling down my cheeks, but wasn't sucessful for soon they found their way down. "This is just too perfect. I can't let it end. I can't mess it up." I looked at my nails, checking them. You know, I really needed to get my nails done... I sighed and kept looking at my hands. "I can't lose him."

"He loves you, too, doesn't he?" I nodded and she went on, "So what's the problem? I'm sure you two will make this work. Yourself told me you were spending all of your free time together. There's no difference now. Only that his things will be in your apartment."

"I... I know..." I nodded again and let out a breath. I knew that, of course I did. I think I just got a little freaked out... My relationshipes never worked before so I wondered why it would work now. "I know. I think I just panicked."

"You'll be all right. As long as he's with you, Samantha, you don't need anybody else to make you feel better. You should talk to him about this."

"Do you think so?"

She nodded and let a smile form over her lips as she very slightly touched my hand and made them stop their nervous movements. "I'm sure."

You know what? I felt much better after I talked with her. I felt that heavy weight in my chest lighten up and I was breathing more calmly. I really should talk to him about that.

"Do you want me to unpack your clothes and put them on the bed? This way when you get back you'll only have to put them in the closet and the commode."

"Oh yeah, that'd be great."

"Ok." I said as I tried to support the telephone between my ear and shoulder, using my hands to hold one of the last three bags of clothes and put it over the bed. "I could put them in their places but you should do this then they'd be the way you like."

"Where did I find you?" He said playifully as a chukle escaped from his mouth. "You're just too perfect."

I rolled my eyes and chukled too. Funny, huh? I always thought he was the perfect one. I had talked with him after my conversation with Lisa and as always he was understanding and loving and even asked me if I needed more time, that he could go back to his place without a problem. I didn't want him to. I wanted him to stay and seeing him so... I had this lack of words when it comes down to him, there were no words to describe him... but seeing him acting that way all my fears melted away.

He had so much stuff that we were still unpacking everything and trying to find someplace to put them. Martin had gone to the market to buy some food since I never did that because I lived from take outs and I stayed home, making room for his things. Then I thought about helping him unpacking while he was gone so when he came back there would be less things for him to do. And getting his clothes ready to be put in the closet was one of them.

"Oh, I knew that already, but thank you anyway." I played and heard his soft laugh in the other end then it was mixed with a nock on my door."There's someone on the door." I said as I walked with the phone between my ear and shoulder to the door. "Talk to you later."

"Ok. I'll be back soon. Love you."

"Me too. Bye." I heard his 'bye' and hung up, throwing the phone on the couch as I passed by it. I opened the door without asking who it was first, and for the first time in my life I regretted doing that. As I flew the door open my heart stopped beating immediately and my body just froze in place.

The person outside my apartment looked at me and gave me a weak smile, one that only made me sickened. "Hi Sam." My mother said and with her voice all the pain from the past came along with it and I felt my heart sinking, the pain inside me riping me apart, making fall inside a dark hole. Push me to the ground you know? Rip me apart, make me fell like I'm dead. It'd be way better than seeing the person in front of me. When I had strength enough I pushed the door close but before it could close fully, she put a hand on it, stopping my move and opening the door again. "Don't do this, please. I need to talk to you."

For a reason I knew not, my breath started to come out short and small and I felt a strange pressure in my lungs and a very known burning behind my eyes. "We have nothing to talk about." I said and as if I had opened some kind of door in my eyes with my voice, tears started to find their way down my face. "And it's Samantha." I hissed just before closing the door on her face, not caring if her hand was still on it.

I heard the 'bam' of it echoing through my head and it was making me dizzy. A uncalled sob escaped between my lips and I was quick enough to stop another one. I stumbled to my bedroom and threw myself on the bed, using the pillow to cover my face and stop my tears. And it did help. Soon they had stopped.

I lifted my body enough to reach out a hand and search inside the drawer of the table beside my bed and I found the bottle with white pills. I only took them when the pain was too much and no one was there to look after me. I couldn't take this anymore...

The pieces were suddenly being broken apart, torn.. like me. I got pulled up and I just had to get fucking pushed down again. I was falling and couldn't see anything to grab a hold on, something to save me. There was nothing or nobody there to catch me. Martin wasn't there this time.

And it hurt...

It did. It hurt like a bitch. It felt like a big load of crap that I couldn't get rid of. I didn't want to live anymore... and that scared me. I ran my fingers through my hair and rubbed my face with my hands. And that's when it happened.

I really broke down... I looked for the umpteenth time at the three pills lying on my bed, right in front of me. I was lay on my side, my throbbing head over a pillow and my eyes burning and red from the tears I had cried earlier as I wondered back and forth if I should take them.

I wanted to easy the pain without those pills, without having to take them. It was wrong and dangerous and worse, I wondered a couple of times what if I just got up and took that bottle of scotch in the kitchen. I shouldn't think that, I shouldn't use the pills, I shouldn't... But how exactly could I easy the pain then? With the way I was feeling? I felt like I couldn't. It was like my head wasn't controlled to do that. It was my disability.

I felt weak, very weak. The light was turned off. Somebody shut it down. It was no longer shining down on me and I missed it. I gave an unspoken plea for somebody to help me. To turn that stupid light back on and be there at the bottom to catch me, to save me. I didn't know if anybody heard it, which I kind of doubted.

But then, as if God was listening to me, I heard the familiar sound of the door opening and I knew Martin was finally home. I looked again at the pills and with anger in me I grabbed them and threw them away. I didn't need those stupid faked pain killers. I had Martin, damn it, he would be the only thing to pull me up again. I wiped away all the tears I could and sat on the bed, bringing my knees to my chest and waited for him to find me.

"Hey, Sam, I bought that vanilla ice cream you like, they had..." I watched when he stopped dead on his feet when he crossed the door jam and saw me. "My God, what happened?" He hurried to my side and as soon as he was close enough I threw myself in his arms, needing his warmth and closeness as he enveloped me with those comforting arms of his. I started crying again and he put a comforting hand on my hair, running his fingers through it. "Shhh... It's ok, baby, it's ok." He whispered in my ear and kissed my head.

I sobbed, I couldn't stop it, I just couldn't and more tears came out. "I just..." It was so hard... "It's hurting... so much."

"Shhh." He tightened his arms around me and moved our bodies back and forth, trying to sooth me with words and movements, using the best way he knew. "I'm here. I'm right here."

I snuggled into him as best as I could and buried my face in his shirt, trying to stop my cries and feel his scent at the same time. "I can't..." I tried but words failed again.

"Don't talk. You don't need to talk now, Ok?" He whispered, his breath straight to my hair. "I'm not going anywhere, baby, just take your time."

Not going anywhere... I knew that. He'd always be there for me. Hearing the words and thinking about them only made me cry harder because I was touched and overwhelmed by these new feelings develping inside me. For the first time ever I had someone or something constant in my life.