Title: One-Eighty by Summer
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Drama/Humor
Summary: Shatterstar tries to learn what love is exactly…
Disclaimer: I do not own Shatterstar nor any other X-Force character - they all belong to the big Marvel - even if they are being mistreated…I also don't own the song by Taking Back Sunday, in which I took this fic title from…
Author's Note: For the record, this fic could be considered something of an AU taking place after Is. 43, I'm not going to pretend the 'end-of-the-world-Age-of-Apocalypse' didn't happen, but I am not necessarily jumping right into Murderworld being destroyed and where we are in Is. 44 either, moving on to the real point of this fic though…
The following excerpt was taken from an interview with Fabian Nicieza:
One of the major questions arising from Fabian's run on X-FORCE was whether or not one of the characters, Shatterstar, was gay. Says Fabian, "Most of that speculation wasn't based on what I actually wrote, but maybe on what other writers inferred, in my final issue, I pretty clearly stated that Shatterstar had no real understanding of sexuality - homo or hetero - and needed to learn about general human nature before he could define his own sexual identity."
However, he is willing to shed some light on his original plans. "I would have liked to have written Shatterstar as a character trying to explore the nature of sexuality and sexual identity as it pertained to his learning to become more human," he says. "I had planned to make Shatterstar think he was in love with Rictor, but only because he simply didn't know any better about what love was.
He would have figured, this is my best friend, I care about him, he cares about me, we spend time together, fight together, laugh together - I guess I must be in love with him. And Rictor would have said, 'Whoa Nellie! No, no, no - there's love and there's love... I mean, dude, I love ya like a brother, but I don't love you like that!' And therein would have been the whole subtext of the character conflict - Shatterstar learning to differentiate between these emotions and understanding them.
Okay, Mr. Nicieza, you didn't get a chance to write it so I will but in my own style thank you very much…
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"Death cannot stop true love…all it can do is delay it for a while." Wesley whispered to Buttercup, holding her tenderly in his arms, blue eyes glowing.
Shatterstar frowned and shifted in his seat on the couch. The movie played out before him on the big screen television that Arcade had once watched his victims on. He unfolded his arms and scratched at the back of his head, confused.
So the Pirate was actually the peasant boy from the beginning of the film? And he had defied the land of the dead to come back for the ridiculously named blonde girl? But why?
Shatterstar, being a television and film addict, had seen more then his fair share of love stories, but he still didn't quite grasp the concept. It seemed to him that people did the most impossible things for this emotion he couldn't even connect to anything.
But then he had trouble with almost all human emotions. There were a few he understood easily enough - anger, hate, pain…those made sense to him, but anything else…the entire other spectrum of human emotion seemed weak and distracting - love was rounded into that category.
The only person he had brought this up to, surprisingly, was not Rictor, whom he confided most things in, but Terry. It had been a long time ago, not long after they had first arrived at the Camp Verde Reservation.
She had been reading some thick paperback novel and had been sighing dreamily every now and then. Having just finished a vigorous work out, Shatterstar found himself feeling the emotion that had been labeled to him as 'energetic'.
This 'energetic' feeling made him ask Terry why she was sighing, or perhaps his natural inquisitiveness; he could never be sure. At any rate, she had looked at him with Irish green eyes and cooed, "Ach, Star, I'm just readin' the most heavenly romance novel…"
"'Romance'?" He repeated the word, licking his lips as if he had a bad taste in his mouth.
"Aye."
"What is that exactly?"
Terry blinked, "Romance? Oh...it's like love, Star, but a fancier version of it I suppose."
"Love," he scoffed, "I have yet to understand this emotion, but from what I have seen it seems quite pointless. It makes one miserable and weak." His thoughts flashed over Jimmy as he looked at her.
From what he'd overhead the others whispering, Jimmy was in 'love' with Terry but nothing seemed to come of it past Jimmy always looking as if he was in pain. Seeing as Star did understand pain, he couldn't see how love could be a good thing, nor why anyone would want to be 'in' it.
Terry looked startled, "Nae, Star, you misunderstand it a great deal then. Love is one of the strongest emotions. It can be painful from time to time, aye, but it can also help you overcome the most difficult of odds. It gives you power ye cannae imagine."
The words had struck him deeply and now watching this film in which a man had apparently come back from the dead for his woman spoke to him of the possible power of love. Perhaps he had underestimated this emotion. After all, if it gave you such powers as to defy the odds of death…
But how did one know if they were 'in' love? What did 'love' feel like?
From what he had complied, it had to be an exact blend of pain and happiness. Because while Jimmy looked pained by it, the characters in the film on screen now, Wesley and Buttercup, sure looked happy. Their eyes glowed and their lips met.
Kissing.
That was another thing Star didn't quite understand.
Putting your mouth on someone else's…what were they doing exactly? Breathing the air in and out of each other's mouths? Just pressing the flesh together? How could that be enjoyable?
It seemed sort of…wet…and disgusting…
Kissing was apparently a ritual in love though. Every movie and TV show he'd seen where characters had declared they loved each other resolved with this act. But that didn't bring him any closer to grasping it.
From what he could also tell, love was very addictive. People could not just forget it and move past it like so many other emotions. It seemed to stick with them a very long time. Jimmy was a perfect example, for while love put him in pain, he continued to feel this way for Terry.
Nothing seemed to abate the feeling, no matter how futile it seemed. Jimmy wanted and wanted and yet got nothing in return, he persisted despite no positive feedback. It was troublesome…
Not long after he'd discovered the definition of romance from Terry, he'd looked into 'love' a bit. He'd found it cemented most relationships into marriage, which was quite amusing to him, seeing as he was married. He certainly didn't feel like 'kissing' Windsong, he didn't feel love for her…at least not the way it had been displayed to him thus far…
He had told this to Adam X, who seemed almost insulted by it, which just drove Shatterstar into more confusion over this most perplexing of emotions. And then recently, out at a club with Rictor, some girl…what was her name?…ah yes, Stecky, had been touching him and he'd felt stirrings of…something.
He couldn't quite say it was love though. He had told Rictor he had never felt those stirrings before but that was not exactly true, he had just been too embarrassed to admit that they were quite similar to those strange stirrings he sometimes got very early in the morning, when the normally useless appendage between his legs got hard.
He hated those stirrings. They confused him and he was never quite sure how to deal with them. For the most part deep breaths and cold water seemed to help. They calmed down the rushing in his blood that he did not enjoy.
The only time he would accept his blood rushing was when he was in battle. That was the only place where he could imagine an adrenaline rush could be at all useful. Early in the morning, beneath the sheets did not seem a good time to get worked up for nothing. Lately his body, something he had always thought himself in perfect control of, was betraying him by becoming as strange to him as these emotions.
Back on his homeworld, he had never had to think much about his emotions, not even his body. They had always been unthinkable things. His focus had always been on his opponents. He had been in control. But here he found his control slipping away more and more.
He sighed and clicked off the TV, amazingly no longer in the mood to watch it. He wandered through their new large base. It was slightly disconcerting being in Arcade's old home, especially considering the goofy madman had once kidnapped Star himself, but Star knew the man would never be a threat again.
Should the charlatan dare to challenge him once more, Star would spit in his face and cut off his head. This idea amused him and he felt something blossom inside him that could have led to a smile, had he felt in the mood to express one.
Unfortunately, he did not, his mind still too jumbled with thought. He just couldn't conceive this invisible maelstrom that this society held so highly. It seemed lately, since the Stecky incident, that every where he looked there were signs of 'love' and…sex.
Now sex was a bit easier for him to comprehend than love. Sex was how people reproduced. Eventually he would have done so with Windsong, though not nearly as physically as he'd seen in late night movies, on the channels Domino had tried to block out with the remote. She should have known better, Star held the remote more than anyone else, it was easy to break her codes and watch…well…those films.
So much skin.
So many…noises.
He shook his head and steered his mind's eye away from those memories, from those fuzzy, almost disturbing, images. Yes, eventually with Windsong he would have reproduced but mostly through a fertilization chamber, much as he himself was conceived.
But what he saw in those bizarre movies and what else he had learned of sex, it seemed as if people did it not so much as to reproduce but as a…way of leisure. This completely complicated what he had all ready filed away as an easily explained thing. Why would people want to do that act so much? What was so great about it?
He had the strange inkling that it too was linked to love and since he still had yet to understand that…
He ran a hand over his face and sighed, suddenly very tired. It was so hard being in this place. Everyone spoke of how alien he was but to him, it was very much the other way around. Being here, with these people who felt so much, it was very alien to him.
Sure, people like Cable and Cannonball were capable warriors. Even the women - Domino, Siryn…even Boomer from time to time were capable warriors but when there were no battles, which sadly was most of the time, he found himself in the company of people who all understood this place and themselves far better than he did.
He suddenly realized that he'd wandered into Rictor's room. He hadn't intended for this to be his destination and yet somehow he had ended up here. He had learned long ago that it was rude to enter someone's room with out asking permission first but as he looked behind him he realized his best friend's room door had been left open.
Could he help it if he had wandered in blindly?
As he looked around he couldn't see the trouble of him being in the room anyway. Most of Rictor's things were still boxed up in brown boxes. There was nothing too private that he could see around and it wasn't like he planed on searching, he would not pry. That was another thing he had learned long ago, not to stick your nose where it was not wanted…
He took a seat on Rictor's bed and sighed, his fingers locking together. Maybe he could just wait until Julio returned, he would be sure to help him clear up his confusion. He often felt bad for burdening Julio with all his questions, but Rictor seemed to be the only one with enough patience to explain things. To answer all his queries.
Tabitha had once remarked that it was not patience, so much as it was Rictor's need to warp another mind into his way of thinking. Star hadn't quite understood that statement when she'd said it, but Rictor apparently had, as he'd shot her a look that would freeze warm water.
Odd though, that no matter how many times he and the blonde bumped heads they still managed to be close friends. In fact that was where Rictor was right now. He, Sam, and Tabitha had decided to go out and see a movie together, remarking that it was like a small little 'New Mutants' collection.
They often referred to the old team they had been a part of. They would look slightly stricken as certain names were brought up in their musings - Warlock being the oddest one he could remember - but still they persisted on dredging through the past, some memories obviously very dear to them.
Was that like love?
No, that was probably more like enjoyment. Like a hobby or an act of leisure. It had been explained to him long ago that his enjoyment of fighting, training, exercising - these things were his 'hobbies' because he took enjoyment from them.
He was not quite certain that was true but it sounded right enough, so he had just accepted it and moved on. Now he sat here, waiting for Julio to return from the movie so he could burden him with more questions.
Sometimes he really wished he could go to someone else, hating to trouble Julio so…
But then his friend had promised to speak to him more after that Stecky incident. They had been interrupted by a call to battle. They had fought Reignfire, who had turned out to be their old teammate Robert DaCoasta. Cable had been a great deal of help in that incident, and now DaCoasta was in their medical bay.
Yet another old member of the New Mutants, Moonstar, had also been in the medical bay after the incident but she had mysteriously disappeared into the night. There had been a big to do about that, Cable and Domino roaring at one another about the lack of security and so forth but in the end the issue had just been dropped.
Moonstar was gone and thee was really nothing they could do about it.
But still, that night, Star had started talking to Rictor about his confusion over love, over sex…over everything and his friend had understood and been helping him until the interruption.
It was high past time they finished their conversation.
Star noticed several books outside of one box and he leafed through them. He found the Dictionary and picked it up, a smile almost working its way onto his face again. The Dictionary had become as good a friend to him as the TV. The thick book was always full of answers in the way of definitions.
He quickly opened it to the 'L's' and found love, reading over the explanation aloud, "A strong affection or liking for someone or something, caring."
He flipped to 'care', "A liking or regard."
He found 'like', "To be pleased with; enjoy."
Hmm, not too helpful. It certainly didn't tell you what being in love was like. How to know if you were in love. However, he was able now to link enjoyment to like and like to care and care to love and that was something. Funny how people here had so many words for something that was basically the same thing.
Since he understood enjoyment to some degree, love made a bit more sense to him now. It took him back to his earlier thoughts, about how he wasn't so certain he agreed with the others that he enjoyed fighting, training and exercise. He didn't enjoy them so much as look at them as a way of life.
Enjoyment...from what he understood of it…was reserved more towards Julio and the time they spent together. He enjoyed Julio. Enjoyed talking to him and spending time with him.
In fact Julio was often in his thoughts. Star frowned, thinking over that. Did Jimmy think of Terry a lot? He probably did. If you thought about someone a lot…was that what being in love was?
But no, Julio didn't cause Star pain, so how could he be in love with him?
But then again, Julio did cause him some pain, like when he invited him out to those clubs. Star didn't like going to them, but he did it time and again whenever Julio invited him because he wanted to spend time with him.
Wasn't that a sign of love?
People in love did things they wouldn't normally want to do. They defied odds. Maybe not dramatically as returning form the dead as Wesley had done in that movie but…
And then there had been many programs that Star had witnessed in which characters that had labeled themselves as friends became something more. Frankly there had been a time when he had not understood the concept of friends either. There had only been fellow warriors, with no connection to one another past the battles.
Now, in this place where battles were so few and far between, he had come to understand that fellow warriors could be something more. They could be someone you held conversations with, someone you cared for. Out of all his fellow warriors here, he had found himself gravitating to Julio the most and it was pointed out to him by Tabitha, that that made him his 'best' friend.
It was these best friends in the shows that more often then not declared that they were now in love and kissed and all of that. Not all shows were like that, but certainly some were.
When did a friend become a love? Now this was very perplexing…according to what he'd seen on TV, it was usually brought about by either a kiss or some event, like one of the friends leaving and going far away.
Characters realized that they had loved the other person all along and there was usually some ridiculous scene where they rushed to their plane or bus of departure and stopped them with declarations of love…and of course, kissing.
At first he couldn't understand that but then he thought of the possibility of what it would be like if Julio decided one day to up and leave. Star knew he would be devastated. There was no way he could make it without his best friend, without someone to answer all the questions he had…
He couldn't make it without Julio.
And then there was that darker scenario he'd seen played out on screen. Where a character was hurt and dying and his friend or acquaintance admitted love, fearing it was too late because the other might die…
What if Julio was injured? What if he died?
The idea caused ice to fill Star's veins and he was startled by it. Was he afraid? Impossible - he'd never been afraid. Fear was an emotion he understood only because he was quite certain he'd inflicted it upon others.
He used it as a tool in the battlefield. It was an emotional weakness much as he had seen love to be but now as he thought more and more over love and what Terry said he was seriously reevaluating his opinion…
If Julio was hurt or died, Star knew he'd die with him.
There was no way he could bear it. He enjoyed spending time with Julio, he liked it and from liking he cared and caring was love. All those words linked together, that were so similar but were the same thing.
Yes…maybe he was in love with Julio.
It wasn't out of the realm of possibility, seeing as they were friends.
They had fun together, good times together and Star would never want to see any harm come to him, would never want him to leave him…
But how to know for sure…
And then the answer came to him so simple and easy he actually did smile a little.
Of course.
A kiss.
The idea had always been unappealing to him but maybe now he could find out what the big deal was all about. And Julio was his friend, and Star was, from the evidence he could see before him now most likely in love with him, Julio would understand and help him.
"Whoa! Hey! Star! You startled me, amigo," Julio gasped, a hand to his chest as he entered his room and clicked on the lights.
Until he'd touched the switch, Star hadn't even realized the room he'd been sitting in was so very dim. The light from out in the hallway had been the only light filling the room since he'd entered and now the bedroom's overhead lights blazed at him, causing him to blink repeatedly.
Rictor leaned in the doorway, smiling, "You should've seen the movie we saw tonight, man. Total trash, bet you would have loved it though. So what's up? Why're you sitting here in my room in the dark?"
"I - I did not mean to enter uninvited but the door was open-"
Rictor waved a hand, "Ah, forget that, man, My door is always open to you."
Shatterstar digested that for a moment, then looked at Rictor determinedly, "Julio, I have something to tell you."
Rictor shed his jacket and tossed it to one side. He noticed that with all the boxes around, it didn't make a difference. And when the boxes were opened and emptied out, it still wouldn't make a difference. His room was normally messy, that was how he liked it.
He smiled at Star, noticing yet again that his friend looked so serious. He wished that Star wouldn't look like that so much, that he could just relax, be happy. But like most things, Star didn't seem to understand happiness, much less how to be in it.
Little did Rictor know at this very moment, Star was thinking about something he may be 'in'. However he knew soon enough as Star rose to his feet, standing in front of him, apprehension in his steel blue eyes, "I think I am in love."
Rictor blinked, stunned, then grinned, "Really? That's great! I wasn't even aware you had a crush on someone."
Star blinked, taken aback, "'Crush'?"
"Yeah, means you had feelings for someone for some time and then it became love, you know it's the feeling you have before you know."
Star blinked, "You mean like self realization?"
Rictor frowned and scratched the back of his head, "Yeah, I guess. Sorta. Wait, back up, scratch all that confusing stuff and just tell me who the lucky girl is."
"Well she's not…lucky."
"She's not? Come on man, how can she not be lucky to have you?"
"I mean she's not a…" Star frowned, looking down and took in a deep breath of air.
Rictor suddenly was worried and felt slightly nervous, which was really freaking him out so he did the only thing he could think of, asking, "So who is it?"
Shatterstar had seen enough TV show and movies to know what should be done next. As Terry said, this was 'romance'. Where the music swelled and the audience made appreciative noises of surprise and awe. Shatterstar strode forward quickly, took his friend's head in his hands and covered his mouth with his own.
Rictor's eyes widened at the feel of Shatterstar's lips on his and he reacted immediately, violently, shoving him away hard, "DUDE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Shatterstar frowned. His lips felt very strange. He couldn't quite nail down why. So that was kissing? It seemed very simplistic. How could people go so crazy over it? Why did they continue to do it so much? Maybe there was more? Maybe he had done it wrong…
He certainly hadn't wanted to cause the look Rictor had on his face now, nor the subsequent shove he'd received in response, Star sighed, "I am sorry, Rictor."
Rictor's mouth flapped silently for a moment. He'd almost snapped, 'You should be sorry' but for some reason the words didn't come. They were too sharp to leave his mouth. Instead he found a whisper, "Why?"
"I thought…" Star started and shook his head. His face had taken on the most amazing shade of red and Rictor suddenly felt terrible for his friend glad he had not said anything he'd regret in his anger and shock. He all ready felt pretty bad about shoving him, shouting at him but what else was he supposed to do? His friend had just attacked him! Okay, well…not attack, actually…kissed…god, Star had kissed him…
But Star looked so miserable now that Rictor couldn't bear it. He couldn't hurt his friend. He was obviously confused about something. Rictor took in a few more big gulps of air and spoke softly, trying to get his wits about him, "Are you telling me you think you're in love with me?"
Star looked at him, blinking and for a moment Rictor was terribly afraid he was actually going to cry. Had he imagined a sheen of tears there?
"I thought…" Star trailed off again, eyes on the floor, hands fisted and he got ready to charge past Rictor, "I must go. This was a mistake."
"No, wait!" Rictor caught a strong grip of Star's shoulder and held fast, "Don't go. We need to talk."
"I have disgraced myself."
"No, you haven't."
"I was stupid!' Star snapped in Rictor's face viciously. But Rictor knew it wasn't directed at him so much as himself. Star was not used to being humiliated, his pride stung. He had a fragile ego and self esteem, no matter how much it seemed otherwise.
Rictor was amazed he had even done what he had done. Unless it was a battle, Star was more likely to talk about something than act on it, especially when he wasn't sure of what he was doing.
Rictor sighed, amazed at this reserve of calm he found within himself. Tabitha was wrong about him and his lack of patience. And he was wrong about himself. Secretly, Rictor had always acknowledged and agreed with others when they labeled him a hot head. For the most part he was.
But somehow with Star, he always managed to act mature. Like an adult. He thanked god that he could do that even now, taming his voice to be gentle, reassuring, "Star, you weren't stupid…you You acted rashly…it happens. Now sit down, we need to talk."
Star looked at the door and Rictor knew how badly he wanted to make an exit. Honestly, part of Rictor wanted him to go, this would be an awkward talk but he knew putting it off was not wise. Obviously something between them had been put off too long as it was. Star was his best friend, he needed his help. Rictor would not turn him away, would not send him off to spare himself some uncomfortable talk.
He felt he was the least qualified to help on this emotional front, but then he wasn't qualified to help Star on the social front either and he'd been helping him with that. They helped each other. They were friends. That's what they did.
Rictor found more than emotional strength within himself, but physical strength as well as he eased Star back into his room. He sat him on the bed and after a moment of internal struggle, sat next to him. They were just sitting on the bed. Nothing else. He didn't imagine Star was going to act rash again. He didn't imagined Star was going to jump him…
He still made sure to keep a respectable distance though, clearing his throat, "Okay. Let's talk about this."
"I would rather not."
"Come on now, amigo, you brought this up…"
"I was not…I should not…I am disturbing you…" Star looked down at his hands, never at Ric and somehow Rictor continued to get the feeling that his friend was actually fighting not to cry, which was almost as amazing as the kiss.
"Star…"
"I have always been troublesome to you, Julio but tonight I over stepped a line and...I do not expect you shall forgive me…I don't know what is wrong with me…I suppose I am confused but that seems to always be my excuse. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I had this figured out and yet I acted rashly and for that I apologize…I am afraid now that things will be strained between us…"
Rictor ran a hand through his hair, "Yeah. It's kinda weird but that's - that's just right now, Star 'cause it just happened. See, if we talk about this right now and - and straighten it out then things won't be weird no more."
"Things will not…change between us then…if we talk now you will not," Star stopped and swallowed, his voice coming out very tiny, "You will not hate me?"
So this is how it feels to have someone tug at your heartstrings, Rictor thought as he touched his friend's shoulder, "Hey, man, look at me."
Star seemed reluctant but finally lifted his head.
Rictor smiled, "You're my best friend. No matter what. Nothing will change that...even if you did just…and even if you do… if you are…"
He sighed, shaking his head, and actually letting out a dry empty laugh, "Okay, let's back up. So…you think you're in love with me?"
"Everything I have learned of love, everything I complied seemed to suggest as much, yes."
"Okay, what did you…find out about love that makes you think you are in love with me?"
Star looked apprehensive again but when he spoke his tone was as clipped and sure as ever, "Well from what I saw on TV, love can occur between two friends, and since you and I are best friends, it seemed feasible. It was also my understanding that when you love someone, you think of them often and you care for them. You like spending time with them. You would never want them to leave you, or to be hurt or die."
Rictor nodded and felt better now that Star had spoken, finding some good footing to start off with, "Okay, good. That's true, Star. You're not wrong, actually. That is a very good definition about love. But see, there's different kinds of love."
Star's interest made Rictor smile internally. Whenever the Mojoworlder was curious, all his other emotions melted away so easily. Gone was the look of shame and self-loathing, he now looked at him with rapt attention, "Really? How so?"
"Well, see there's the love you have for your family. You know how you showed me that thing on the news about mi familia?"
Star nodded.
"You did that because you knew I cared about my family-"
"Actually I did it because it appeared as if your honor was at stake," Star corrected, "As I told you then, the nature of my upbringing didn't revolve around having a family, much less people to care for but there were fellow warriors and sometimes one warrior's actions affected your honor. But as I told you then, from what little I had scrapped together of your planet and your ways, yes, I assumed you did have feelings for them. It was why I questioned if you could callously dismiss them during their time of need."
Rictor rolled his eyes in amusement, it was hard not to be amused when Star compared his homeworld to his own, "Still, you get my point, right? I love my family. But it's a different kind of love. I wouldn't…you know...kiss them on the mouth or anything. And then there's the love you have for a friend, that's the way I love you."
Star's gaze narrowed, "So you do love me?"
Rictor grew slightly alarmed, he had to make sure he explained this right, his pulse racing "Yes, but not the way you were thinking. I love you as a friend, or maybe even like a brother, familia. But not as…not like that…"
"You mean romance."
Surprised flickered over Rictor's face, "Where did you-"
"Theresa."
"Really?" He gasped, amazed. Learning romance from the redhead who was so blind to the fact that Jimmy was head over heels for her. Funny.
"Yes, she told me of romance, it is a fancier version of love."
"Exactly. More deeper, that's what being 'in' love is, amigo. Sam and Tabitha, you see how they go off? How they look at each other and kiss one another, that's being 'in' love. Trust me, I saw them in it enough tonight to last me a lifetime." He grumbled the end as he remembered having to endure the two's make-out-fest to one side of him as he tried to watch the movie.
He'd sat there thinking about how lonely he was. How much he'd like to meet that special someone, have someone to kiss like that…
He certainly didn't know it would end up with him kissing his best friend.
His male best friend.
'Course Star kissed him but that was besides the point…
Rictor shook his head, "You with me so far?"
"I think so. So there are…I suppose you would say 'levels' of love?"
"Yeah, that's one way of looking at it. Like, level one is where you love your family. It's this unconditional thing, you don't have to really like them or miss them when they go away, even want to spend time with them but since you don't want them to get hurt or die, you love them. Then there's level two, where you love your friends. Unconditional again but this time you do like hanging out with them because it's by your choice to do so and you're sad when they go away. And naturally you don't want them to get hurt or to die. And then the third level, romantic love. When you're attracted to someone and want to be with them all the time, think about them a lot and want to - to…"
Rictor licked his lips, "You know about sex, right?"
"I know the mechanics of it, yes."
"And attraction?"
"Of course."
Okay, so now we come to the heart of the matter, the hard part. Rictor could explain about love until he turned blue in the face, but he knew this was the question he had really wanted to get to. The one in the center of his brain that had been screaming quietly at first but was now roaring deafeningly loud.
"Star…you told me you found your wife…you found Windsong attractive."
"Yes. I remember."
"Okay, well…umm…" Rictor could feel heat flush under his skin and was positive he was a lovely shade of pink, "Do you - do you think I'm attractive?"
Star's eyes flickered over him and Rictor shifted in his seat a little, suddenly very shy as he realized those steel blue eyes were appraising him. At last Star spoke, "You are pleasing to the eye, yes."
Rictor couldn't believe the man had just said that with such a blank, impassive face. Shock rippled through him and Rictor wondered how to proceed when Star did it for him, "You have no outward deformities, you are of a good height and build, there is nothing wrong with you and your features are appealing."
Rictor seriously didn't want him to get into how his features were 'appealing' and let out a breath, "Ooo-kay…hmm...hadn't anticipated this…well…huh…I guess it's not too bad if you think I'm…not bad looking. I mean, you could just mean it as a compliment. Like how girls can tell you if another girl is pretty or not. You're not from around here, so you're not so…"
Rictor trailed off, the rest being internal struggle. His thoughts concluded that since Star wasn't from around here, he was less likely to worry about any sort of machismo. While he was always focused on his honor, honor had a lot to do with honesty and he was simply being honest now. A woman had no fault with telling you whether or not Julia Roberts was pretty or not, Star could be looked at almost in the same light without necessarily being gay considering where he came from…
Still…
"Okay, so you don't think I'm ugly, that's fine, but do you…I mean would you actually want to…" Rictor sighed, frustrated by his own embarrassment as he ran a hand over his mouth, "Would you actually want to kiss me?"
Star blinked, "After what just happened, I don't think I'd want to do it again, no, it insulted you."
"That's not really what I asked, Star. You're dodging the question. Forget what just happened. Would you actually want to kiss me?"
A notch formed between Shatterstar's eyes, as he seemed to think over the question hard. At last he said, "I honestly cannot tell you, Julio. We didn't kiss for very long and I've never done it before. I cannot say if it would be pleasurable to do again with you or with anyone. I just don't know enough about it to answer that question properly."
Damn honesty, Rictor scowled, "Okay, fair enough. But would you…I mean have you ever thought…"
Here come the blushing again, his thoughts hissed as fresh, hot blood burst through his veins again, staining his cheeks more, "It all comes back to…you know, sex. Love, being 'in' it means you want to have sex with the other person. Do you ever think - would you want to - with…"
He couldn't even bear to say it and merely pointed to himself.
Star, damn him, didn't even blush but instead looked as thoughtful as ever, "Again, I do not know. Is it even possible for two males to have sex with one another?"
Rictor was positive he would faint now. Either from the need to laugh at the absurdity of this conversation or from the very things Star was saying period.
Star wouldn't stop though, "It certainly seems possible with two females. As I've seen such things on those late night movies."
Fainting was imminent, "You've seen porn?!"
"Porn?"
"Movies where people have sex, Star."
"Yes, I have certainly seen such things on the television. They were shown on the channels Domino had locked out with the remote. It was more than easy for me to-"
"I can't believe this! You've had free porn all this time and you didn't," Rictor shook his head. He was getting off topic, but also thinking about how mad Domino would be if she knew Star had broken through her codes on the remote, "Look, later you can tell me how to access those codes, 'cause free porn is cool for me but for you, Madre de Dios, Star, you must not have understood a thing!"
"I have come to acknowledge that no one speaks in such vulgar terms in everyday life. I have also discovered that these scenes have questionable procedures. Especially for repairmen."
"Questionable…"
"There was one involving a man, a woman, and her washing machine-"
Rictor held up a hand, "Never mind, I don't want to hear anymore."
Star shrugged, "It was from here though that I saw that women, two, or several of them, can apparently have sex. I must admit I found it confusing at first as my first understandings of sex was that it was for your society's reproduction but now from what I understand it can also be done for leisure. These women certainly seem to be doing so for leisure alone. So I imagine if it's possible between these two members of the same gender, then it must also be possible for-"
"Yeah, yeah, you got it," Rictor's lungs had stopped working so he internally kicked them, "It's possible all right, two guys can - you know…so I mean, would you actually be interested in…"
"Like with kissing, I guess I could not be sure until I was in such a position. I'm not quite sure how the mechanics of two men having sex would work, I've never actually seen-"
Rictor had gone from red to green and Star was confused, "What have I done wrong now?"
"Nothing, man, you didn't do anything wrong…it's just, I mean…you're just so open minded in comparison to - to how we are, I guess, I mean…people around here, for the most part don't look kindly upon…see, Star. Um, well, let's start with the basics. When a guy and a girl like each other, when they're in love and have sex, then they're called heterosexual. The majority of our population and society is heterosexual. It's the norm. Got that?"
"Yes, I understand."
"Okay, well, now if a guy likes another guy or a girl likes another girl," He licked his lips, trying to say this right, "If two people of the same sex like each other and are in love…if they have sex, then they are gay. You know…homosexual."
Star blinked and was ever still in his almost childlike mentality of learning, "I see. Yes, I think I have heard of this before. On that one show, with the blonde anorexic who kills vampires…her redheaded magical friend was in love with a girl and they kept saying she was Lebanese."
A strange laugh popped out of Rictor, "Lesbian, Star, She's a lesbian."
"Yes, that."
"Yeah, well, see most people here don't look too kindly on being gay. Whether you're a lesbian, which is what a girl is if she is in love with another girl and wants to have sex with her or if you're homosexual, which is what a guy is if he is in love with another guy and wants to have sex with him. Though the term homosexual in general covers all people who are in love with their same gender. Girls get the title lesbian but guys don't really have any title that I know of that is…you know…flattering…"
"Interesting," Star mumbled, as he rested his elbow on his knee and planted his chin in his upturned palm, "Your people discriminate a great deal, do they not? First the Native Americans, then the African Americans, these gay people, mutants…"
Rictor conceded, "Yeah, it's easy for people to be prejudice against things they don't understand, Star, or things they don't like…things they find vulgar and morally wrong…"
Star sighed and rose to his feet, "I should go now. I have a lot to think about, as you've taught me so much this evening. I am sorry again, Julio, for all the confusion and for the…kiss I gave you."
Rictor got his feet as well, "It's okay, amigo, just - don't ever tell anyone about that all right."
"I was the one who was foolish, Julio. I am as eager to keep it a secret as you. Were it to get out my honor would be at stake. It shall remain between us."
"Um…good. And dude, in the future, if you have questions, you know I'm always there for you, always ready to answer them. Don't feel guilty about coming to me. I mean seeing those movies and all that stuff about love and romance and all that…messy, messy stuff, you just got befuddled. It could happen to - okay, well, not anybody but you aren't from around here, you know, so if you need help, don't worry about coming to me all the time. I'm never burdened by you, all right?"
Star nodded, then headed to the door, he stopped there a moment, thinking, then said, "Perhaps later this week you could take me out to another club and I could…look for someone to…love."
Rictor beamed, "That's great, man, we'll find you a nice girl, you know? Someone you can try your skills on. Well…wait…actually I'll teach you some skills, you know, flirting and all. Whatever. We'll iron it out later, man, we'll teach you about love yet."
Star nodded, "Yes, we shall do that…," He almost turned to leave, then tossed in over his shoulder, "And Rictor?"
Rictor looked at him, waiting as Star stood there, his back to him, apparently thinking. Star was apprehensive again, voice soft as he stated quietly, "I…do not mean this as an insult but…from everything that I have learned of you and your people…the one thing I know for sure…is that you care too much what others think."
His friend left and Rictor stood there, stunned. Sometimes he was amazed at how much Star knew and how very little. He shook his head and turned his thoughts to other things as best he could.
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Added note - 'cause I'm an accuracy nerd - okay, so this was set when is. 43 was about and I don't believe Willow was a lesbian on Buffy around that time, heck…I don't think Buffy was even on! LOL - or if it was, it hadn't been on long.
But, I chose to use that as an example 'cause it was the best one I could think of - apologizes to not being entirely true to the 90s.
As you can see, I left this ending very ambiguous - kinda of like Rictor/Shatterstar's relationship - LOL. However, I find it open enough to continue but don't know exactly which direction I would go in. if you all would like to see it continued into a series, let me know and tell me which direction you think it should go in - I may or may not continue, but it'd be neat to see in your reviews what you think should happen…