A/N: I'm SO sorry for taking so long to update this! I really am! i just felt too lazy to do it and had nothing on my mind to write, plus school is being a bitch. But now the new chapter is here and i hope everyone will enjoy it because I probably won't update again for a long while. Sorry. You must be hating me for it, but oh well... What can I do? When the muse is dead, the muse is dead
MS-MS-MS-MS
"Hey." Martin smiled immediately as he saw me getting out of the elevator and walked towards me. "Did you go get your results?"
I bit my inner cheek and gave him a nervous smile, that thankfully he didn't notice. "Yeah. And I was right. It is just the flu."
He brought one hand up, gingerly touching my face, letting his warm palm rest against the skin of my cheek. He gave me a loving smile just before kissing my forehead. "Good. I'm glad it's nothing serious."
"Yeah." I mumbled. "Nothing serious."
"You should go home and rest."
"I'm fine. No need to go home." My God... I was in a real mess.
MS-MS-MS
Oh, God, what am I going to do? I thought desperately. The steady rhythm of Martin's breathing beside me, which usually had such a tranquilizing effect, did nothing to lull me to sleep tonight. Oh God how could this happen? What am I going to do? For a fleeting second of blind panic I'd considered abortion and of not telling Martin about it all, but that passed quickly once my senses returned to me. Besides, I'd pretty much decided abortion was out of the question for me. Whatever my personal beliefs on the subject were, ultimately, I wanted this baby... it was part of Martin and part of me, a physical manifestation of our devotion; a bond that we would always have. But I wouldn't hold it against him if he wasn't ready to be a father; I was prepared - or would be - to raise this baby myself.
He said I should go home and rest after I told him I had the flu. I scoffed inwardly... rest? Who could rest now? How was I going to tell him?? What would this mean to my relationship with him? Try as I might, I could not possibly imagine what on earth his reaction would be. He could do the honorable thing, because Martin was honorable, I didn't think he'd be the type to abandon me. Not when I needed him the most. But he still could fly from the room and never look back again. No, the thought crossed my mind, he would never leave me. Not because of this. But what if...
Gosh... The last thing I wanted was for him to stay with me out of some outdated sense of obligation; especially when I was ready to do this on my own... but was I kidding myself? Was I being realistic? Could I really do this by myself? What was this going to mean to my career? And just then, nausea tightened its hold on my stomach and I deserted the idea of trying to find sleep.
I got up, carefully not to wake him and silently left the bedroom.
MS-MS-MS
"Can't sleep?" His whispered voice careful not to startle me, reached my ears as he sat down beside me, grabbing one cookie from my plate.
"What are you doing?"
"What does it look like I am doing?"
I flashed him a hard glance and rolled my eyes. Really, I didn't need to face this yet. "Go back to bed. You need to sleep."
"Nah, I'm not going back unless you come with me. How am I supposed to sleep knowing you're not with me?"
As much as I was appreciative for the thought, I really needed the time to be alone with my thoughts. But somehow tonight, right now I just wanted his company, to be with him like this... because soon, it might never be the same again. Yeah, after everything I actually thought that.
As I looked at him, the tears welled in my eyes. Martin's face filled with concern as he looked at me and saw my face. "What? What is it?" I leaned forward and rested my head against his chest, trying to feel his soft scent, lock it inside my head to forever remember. He caressed my back as he held me. "What's wrong?"
I sighed deeply and forced myself to keep more tears from coming. The concern in his voice was so sweet and so touching. But I wished I didn't need to hear it out of concern. "It's ok. I'm fine. Really." I responded, my throat tight with emotion.
Though I could not see his face, I could hear the smile in his voice as he said, teasing me "Is this PMS or something?"
Oh God. Was he really saying that? Could he be more innocent? I wouldn't have PMS for a long while and this only made more tears to come. But I still laughed through my tears, because he had no idea just how funny that was.
He laughed too, because a laugh is always contagious and tightened his hold around me. "Come on. Let's go to bed." He said softly and we got up, walking back to bed.
MS-MS-MS
"I'm pregant." I whispered, not daring to look at the person in front of me and see the disaproving look.
"And you didn't tell him." She didn't ask, she just stated an obvious fact.
"No." I whispered again, still looking at my hands.
"Why not, Samantha?"
"I don't know."
"Haven't you thought about this?"
"I did." I finally looked up and met Lisa's eyes. To my surprise I didn't see in them the disaproving look I was expecting but the soft stare of a friend. Yeah, friends. That's what Lisa and I became along the months I came here. She became my friend, my confidente. I knew she was paid to be that, but the thought warmed me none the less. "I... I can't."
"Why not? By all the things you told me I thought he liked kids."
"That's not the point. What if he doesn't want this kid?"
"Samantha, don't get me wrong, but I think what you're saying is absurdity. He loves you."
"Yeah, but I thought my father loved me and he left me anyway."
Lisa kept staring at me as she let out a soft sigh. She wrote something down on her notepade and looked back at me. "So that's the whole problem?"
"What?"
"Your father."
"No." I shook my head, trying to give confidence to myself. But I obviously failed because I didn't believe in myself.
"I think we just found something to work on first, don't you think?"
I brought one hand up and rubbed my eyes as I let out a heavy breath. That was something I really didn't need to talk about and I knew it was a topic I'd have to touch eventually. I knkew one day she would want to talk about him. Well, the sooner we talk about this the sooner we'll close this topic and we won't have to open this again.
So, let's just get over with this already.
MS-MS-MS
I heard the very familiar click on the door and my heart swelled. I invonluntarely smiled and got up to meet him in the hall, just when he was closing the door. "Hey. It took you a while."
The second he gave me a nervous smile my heart sank a bit and I felt a nervous tingle run down my spine. "I got... held up by something." He practicially mumbled and didn't say anything else.
I think I waited a couple of seconds for him to say something, but he didn't and for the first time in my life I felt akward standing there, in front of him. I cleared my throat and tried to smile. "Wanna help with that?" I asked rethorically for I was already taking two bags from him.
"Yeah. Thanks."
We walked in silence to the kitchen and put the bags on the counter and helped Martin to put the groceries away. I didn't know what was happening but I could feel his hesitance and nervousness from wherever I was. It was floating like big waves of electricity from him and it was making myself nervous too and curious to know what had happened when he was out.
"So, hmm, you feeling ok?" At least he was trying to make small talk. I had felt dizzy and a nausea had attacked me. After a very disconfortable session of throwing up he decided to go to the store and buy some groceries and stop by the drugstore to buy something for me.
He still didn't know about my pregnant state because I still hadn't courage enough to say that to him. To tell him about the baby. And he still thought it was the flu. "Yeah." I smiled at him but he didn't quite smile back. "I'm much better." I murmured and sighed then looked at him right in the eye and for some reason he averted my stare and this really hurt me. "Are YOU feeling ok?"
"Yeah. Why?"
He answered way too quickly, not a breath wasted and this only increased my curiosity. But I wouldn't ask him, if it was something I should know he would tell me. I wouldn't act like a jealous bitch hausewife. This wasn't me and I wouldn't be like that. "Nothing." I said without emotion and left the kitchen as fast as I could without giving a single glance at him.
I heard his soft sigh and his steps following me just when I threw myself onthe couch and sank in it. "I..." He started but, maybe with lack of words, he stopped and stood in front of me. He ran a hand over his face, rubbing his eyes and ran his fingers through his growing hair in an obvious sign of nervousness. "I don't know if I should tell you this." He whispered.
"If it's something that concerns me, then yes you should. Especially after you come home acting like a stranger." I didn't mean to sound rude or harsh, but the words just came out from their own will. And I think I was starting to be afected by the crazy hormones. I ended souding like I was mad. I wasn't, I just didn't want him to act like that.
He kept staring at me and just when I opened my mouth to tell him to stop, he spoke and the words that left his mouth froze me. "I talked with your mother."
Really, I froze. I didn't know what to say. No, I actually knew. I knew every single word that I'd say, every words was in my brain but my mouth denied to cooperate, it wasn't agreeing with my brain. I stared back at him, mute for a long time, trying to understand his words, to believe in what he was saying. "You what?" I whispered and felt burning behind my eyes.
"I was on my way to the store and she stopped me." In the curse of his sentence he took a step to me and I got up and took a step away. "She asked me to give you this." He handed me a small white envelope, which I ignored, though what I really wanted to do was to snap his hand away.
"You shouldn't... You shouldn't have even stopped! You should..." Words failed me and tears started to fall. Didn't he know how much that hurt me? I had told him what she did to me and he helped her? He had betrayed me like no one had ever done before. He lied to me. He ripped my heart and left it there to bleed... "How could you..." Now I couldn't even form an entire sentence for the tears were so strong that they stopped from speaking.
"Sam, what could I..."
"No!" I yelled through my tears and all the anger inside me came out. I couldn't stop it from showing up front. I just couldn't. "Don't even dare! I don't want to talk to you." I said between clenched teeth and stomped out of the room, heading to my bedroom and locking the door when I got inside. Right now I didn't want him anywhere near me.
"Sam, please, open up." His muffled voice sounded as he knocked softly on the door.
"Go away!" I yelled again. "Leave me alone. I hate you." I added, though the last sentence came out barely above a whisper.
"Come on, Sam. Don't do this."
"Go to hell!" I furiously wiped my tears away, wanting to make the anger go away by giving me some pain, because then, with the pain I'd have something to think about instead of Martin and this situtation. I threw myself on the bed and put a pillow over my head to try and stop hearing his pleas for me to open the door. I didn't want to see him. I didn't want him near me. I was dusgusted, sickened and... gosh! It was so hard to think straight with all the anger boiling inside.
I pressed the pillow harder on my head and could only hear muffled sounds. He would get tired eventually and leave me alone. He had to. And he did. A few seconds later, there was no sounds coming from the outside of her bedroom, except the sounds of Martin pacing around.
I sighed loudly and tossed on my bed, trying to find a better position to lay. The room was dark because the blinds were closed and it was warm. Martin had turned on the termostate earlier that day to warm our bedroom. Too bad he wouldn't enjoy it.
MS-MS-MS-MS
"Hey." Martin smiled immediately as he saw me getting out of the elevator and walked towards me. "Did you go get your results?"
I bit my inner cheek and gave him a nervous smile, that thankfully he didn't notice. "Yeah. And I was right. It is just the flu."
He brought one hand up, gingerly touching my face, letting his warm palm rest against the skin of my cheek. He gave me a loving smile just before kissing my forehead. "Good. I'm glad it's nothing serious."
"Yeah." I mumbled. "Nothing serious."
"You should go home and rest."
"I'm fine. No need to go home." My God... I was in a real mess.
MS-MS-MS
Oh, God, what am I going to do? I thought desperately. The steady rhythm of Martin's breathing beside me, which usually had such a tranquilizing effect, did nothing to lull me to sleep tonight. Oh God how could this happen? What am I going to do? For a fleeting second of blind panic I'd considered abortion and of not telling Martin about it all, but that passed quickly once my senses returned to me. Besides, I'd pretty much decided abortion was out of the question for me. Whatever my personal beliefs on the subject were, ultimately, I wanted this baby... it was part of Martin and part of me, a physical manifestation of our devotion; a bond that we would always have. But I wouldn't hold it against him if he wasn't ready to be a father; I was prepared - or would be - to raise this baby myself.
He said I should go home and rest after I told him I had the flu. I scoffed inwardly... rest? Who could rest now? How was I going to tell him?? What would this mean to my relationship with him? Try as I might, I could not possibly imagine what on earth his reaction would be. He could do the honorable thing, because Martin was honorable, I didn't think he'd be the type to abandon me. Not when I needed him the most. But he still could fly from the room and never look back again. No, the thought crossed my mind, he would never leave me. Not because of this. But what if...
Gosh... The last thing I wanted was for him to stay with me out of some outdated sense of obligation; especially when I was ready to do this on my own... but was I kidding myself? Was I being realistic? Could I really do this by myself? What was this going to mean to my career? And just then, nausea tightened its hold on my stomach and I deserted the idea of trying to find sleep.
I got up, carefully not to wake him and silently left the bedroom.
MS-MS-MS
"Can't sleep?" His whispered voice careful not to startle me, reached my ears as he sat down beside me, grabbing one cookie from my plate.
"What are you doing?"
"What does it look like I am doing?"
I flashed him a hard glance and rolled my eyes. Really, I didn't need to face this yet. "Go back to bed. You need to sleep."
"Nah, I'm not going back unless you come with me. How am I supposed to sleep knowing you're not with me?"
As much as I was appreciative for the thought, I really needed the time to be alone with my thoughts. But somehow tonight, right now I just wanted his company, to be with him like this... because soon, it might never be the same again. Yeah, after everything I actually thought that.
As I looked at him, the tears welled in my eyes. Martin's face filled with concern as he looked at me and saw my face. "What? What is it?" I leaned forward and rested my head against his chest, trying to feel his soft scent, lock it inside my head to forever remember. He caressed my back as he held me. "What's wrong?"
I sighed deeply and forced myself to keep more tears from coming. The concern in his voice was so sweet and so touching. But I wished I didn't need to hear it out of concern. "It's ok. I'm fine. Really." I responded, my throat tight with emotion.
Though I could not see his face, I could hear the smile in his voice as he said, teasing me "Is this PMS or something?"
Oh God. Was he really saying that? Could he be more innocent? I wouldn't have PMS for a long while and this only made more tears to come. But I still laughed through my tears, because he had no idea just how funny that was.
He laughed too, because a laugh is always contagious and tightened his hold around me. "Come on. Let's go to bed." He said softly and we got up, walking back to bed.
MS-MS-MS
"I'm pregant." I whispered, not daring to look at the person in front of me and see the disaproving look.
"And you didn't tell him." She didn't ask, she just stated an obvious fact.
"No." I whispered again, still looking at my hands.
"Why not, Samantha?"
"I don't know."
"Haven't you thought about this?"
"I did." I finally looked up and met Lisa's eyes. To my surprise I didn't see in them the disaproving look I was expecting but the soft stare of a friend. Yeah, friends. That's what Lisa and I became along the months I came here. She became my friend, my confidente. I knew she was paid to be that, but the thought warmed me none the less. "I... I can't."
"Why not? By all the things you told me I thought he liked kids."
"That's not the point. What if he doesn't want this kid?"
"Samantha, don't get me wrong, but I think what you're saying is absurdity. He loves you."
"Yeah, but I thought my father loved me and he left me anyway."
Lisa kept staring at me as she let out a soft sigh. She wrote something down on her notepade and looked back at me. "So that's the whole problem?"
"What?"
"Your father."
"No." I shook my head, trying to give confidence to myself. But I obviously failed because I didn't believe in myself.
"I think we just found something to work on first, don't you think?"
I brought one hand up and rubbed my eyes as I let out a heavy breath. That was something I really didn't need to talk about and I knew it was a topic I'd have to touch eventually. I knkew one day she would want to talk about him. Well, the sooner we talk about this the sooner we'll close this topic and we won't have to open this again.
So, let's just get over with this already.
MS-MS-MS
I heard the very familiar click on the door and my heart swelled. I invonluntarely smiled and got up to meet him in the hall, just when he was closing the door. "Hey. It took you a while."
The second he gave me a nervous smile my heart sank a bit and I felt a nervous tingle run down my spine. "I got... held up by something." He practicially mumbled and didn't say anything else.
I think I waited a couple of seconds for him to say something, but he didn't and for the first time in my life I felt akward standing there, in front of him. I cleared my throat and tried to smile. "Wanna help with that?" I asked rethorically for I was already taking two bags from him.
"Yeah. Thanks."
We walked in silence to the kitchen and put the bags on the counter and helped Martin to put the groceries away. I didn't know what was happening but I could feel his hesitance and nervousness from wherever I was. It was floating like big waves of electricity from him and it was making myself nervous too and curious to know what had happened when he was out.
"So, hmm, you feeling ok?" At least he was trying to make small talk. I had felt dizzy and a nausea had attacked me. After a very disconfortable session of throwing up he decided to go to the store and buy some groceries and stop by the drugstore to buy something for me.
He still didn't know about my pregnant state because I still hadn't courage enough to say that to him. To tell him about the baby. And he still thought it was the flu. "Yeah." I smiled at him but he didn't quite smile back. "I'm much better." I murmured and sighed then looked at him right in the eye and for some reason he averted my stare and this really hurt me. "Are YOU feeling ok?"
"Yeah. Why?"
He answered way too quickly, not a breath wasted and this only increased my curiosity. But I wouldn't ask him, if it was something I should know he would tell me. I wouldn't act like a jealous bitch hausewife. This wasn't me and I wouldn't be like that. "Nothing." I said without emotion and left the kitchen as fast as I could without giving a single glance at him.
I heard his soft sigh and his steps following me just when I threw myself onthe couch and sank in it. "I..." He started but, maybe with lack of words, he stopped and stood in front of me. He ran a hand over his face, rubbing his eyes and ran his fingers through his growing hair in an obvious sign of nervousness. "I don't know if I should tell you this." He whispered.
"If it's something that concerns me, then yes you should. Especially after you come home acting like a stranger." I didn't mean to sound rude or harsh, but the words just came out from their own will. And I think I was starting to be afected by the crazy hormones. I ended souding like I was mad. I wasn't, I just didn't want him to act like that.
He kept staring at me and just when I opened my mouth to tell him to stop, he spoke and the words that left his mouth froze me. "I talked with your mother."
Really, I froze. I didn't know what to say. No, I actually knew. I knew every single word that I'd say, every words was in my brain but my mouth denied to cooperate, it wasn't agreeing with my brain. I stared back at him, mute for a long time, trying to understand his words, to believe in what he was saying. "You what?" I whispered and felt burning behind my eyes.
"I was on my way to the store and she stopped me." In the curse of his sentence he took a step to me and I got up and took a step away. "She asked me to give you this." He handed me a small white envelope, which I ignored, though what I really wanted to do was to snap his hand away.
"You shouldn't... You shouldn't have even stopped! You should..." Words failed me and tears started to fall. Didn't he know how much that hurt me? I had told him what she did to me and he helped her? He had betrayed me like no one had ever done before. He lied to me. He ripped my heart and left it there to bleed... "How could you..." Now I couldn't even form an entire sentence for the tears were so strong that they stopped from speaking.
"Sam, what could I..."
"No!" I yelled through my tears and all the anger inside me came out. I couldn't stop it from showing up front. I just couldn't. "Don't even dare! I don't want to talk to you." I said between clenched teeth and stomped out of the room, heading to my bedroom and locking the door when I got inside. Right now I didn't want him anywhere near me.
"Sam, please, open up." His muffled voice sounded as he knocked softly on the door.
"Go away!" I yelled again. "Leave me alone. I hate you." I added, though the last sentence came out barely above a whisper.
"Come on, Sam. Don't do this."
"Go to hell!" I furiously wiped my tears away, wanting to make the anger go away by giving me some pain, because then, with the pain I'd have something to think about instead of Martin and this situtation. I threw myself on the bed and put a pillow over my head to try and stop hearing his pleas for me to open the door. I didn't want to see him. I didn't want him near me. I was dusgusted, sickened and... gosh! It was so hard to think straight with all the anger boiling inside.
I pressed the pillow harder on my head and could only hear muffled sounds. He would get tired eventually and leave me alone. He had to. And he did. A few seconds later, there was no sounds coming from the outside of her bedroom, except the sounds of Martin pacing around.
I sighed loudly and tossed on my bed, trying to find a better position to lay. The room was dark because the blinds were closed and it was warm. Martin had turned on the termostate earlier that day to warm our bedroom. Too bad he wouldn't enjoy it.