Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Chapter Two: SIRIUSly Abducted

          I got out of the whole "turning Rhonda into a ferret" thing. I always get away with things. Well, no I don't, but I like to pretend that I do. I love pretending. Once, in my third year, I pretended I was ugly. It was really scary. Bad memories…now I must think happy thoughts…

          Ah yes, Bella. She's a happy thought. I was just pretending the other day that we were married. I found it amusing. She found it terrifying. The I pretended that we were having some fun in the sun. Unfortunately, as I was thinking these forbidden thought, James pushed me on top of her. It wasn't funny. Well yes it was, but don't tell Bella that.

            And I love dreaming. I'm a dreamer. But I'm mostly a pretender. Sometimes, I get hungry while pretending, so I start snogging a bottle of sugar. Remus saw that once. I don't think he'll ever be the same. Poor fellow. I scarred him for life. I don't think he likes sugar anymore either. Ah, here comes Remus now!

          "Sirius, what the hell have you been doing?"

          "Sugar!"

          "Excuse me?" Remus winced.

          "Just kidding!"

          "Uh, whatever. There's a letter for you. Something from the Minister of Magic."

          "Ooh, ooh, really?"

          "Yeah, it was delivered to James by accident. He didn't read it though. Go on, go get it!"

          "Ooh, ooh, what do you think it's about? Maybe I'm gonna get a prize! Or maybe the Minister wants me to be is assistant!"

          "Yeah…you go on pretending that…"

          "JAMES! Gimme my letter!"

          He gave me the letter. He always listens to me.

          It read,

          Dear Mr. Sirius Black,

                             You had been dating my daughter Karin a few weeks ago. After you two had ended your relationship, you warned her that my army of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks would attack her.

                                    There have been rumors going around that Crumple-Horned Snorkacks exist. They do not. I believe this rumor was started by you, in order to create a commotion in the wizarding community. This has meant a lot of paper work for me, and I would appreciate it if you helped to stop the rumors you started.

                                                Minister of Magic

                                                            Gregory Pollock

            I was in shock. Silly Minister. How dare he say that Crumple-horned Snorkacks don't exist! Just the other day, I saw one flying around above the school grounds! I thought for a moment. It was a Saturday. I could go and spend all day in the grounds and look for that Snorkack again. Or, I could go to Hogsmeade. Or I could snog. Oh, the possibilities.

            James spoke. "Sirius, I'm going with Lily to Hogsmeade, ok? You wanna come?"

            "Oh, like you really want me to come on a date with you!"

            "Good answer! Alright, later then."

            I sniffled. "Fine! Let the Crumple-Horned Snorkacks abduct me!"

            "The Crumple-who What?"

            "The Crumple-Horned Snorkacks! You've never heard of them? They're like aliens with wings! Big, scary things that the Minister has been producing!"

            James sighed. He does that a lot. Silly James. "Sirius, there are no such things as Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. Even if there were, they would have attacked you already."

            "Fine. Don't believe me. Some friend you are." I left the Great Hall dramatically. I would get a picture of a Crumple-Horned Snorkack if it was the last thing I did.

            So, I went to the grounds. I hadda sneak away from Peter. He's gotten into this habit of gazing fondly at me. I believe its my good looks, but really. People might think he is a little …queer.

            I wonder what I could do if I had all my brain cells. Oh the possibilities.

            Aha! I think I see something…oh. It's a cloud. Hey! That cloud is in the shape of a…bra! Weird. Oh, and that one looks like broom! Or a stick. And that one looks like a bed. With a pillow. I like beds. You sleep on beds. You can have lots of fun on beds. I'm sleepy…I think I shall take a nap.

            I'm lying on something cold…and hard. It's not a bed…am I on the grounds? I'm moving…hey…WHAT THE? I'M ON THE BACK OF A CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORKACK! I knew it! I knew they would abduct me! Oh jeez…where is my camera? Uh oh…where is this think taking me?

            "Is you awakened?" That's what the Snorkack said!

            "Nope. Still sleeping."

            "What be your name, little man?"

            "I am not little! Put me down!"

            We descended. The thing dropped me onto the grass. We were in a meadow with rainbows and happy bunnies. Deer were gazing.

            "What be your name?" The Snorkack turned around. It was scary. It was about 4 feet tall, and 4 feet wide. It was fat. A very fat thing. A combination of a horse, alien, and  fish. It had gills. The scariest part was that there was a man living inside that thing's mouth. A fat man. Suddenly, I forgot my name.

            "Err…how about you tell me your name, Zuggzin?"

            "My name is not Zuggzin. It is Dodillion."

            "That's a stupid name! Can I call you Dodo, for short?"

            "My name is Dodillion."

            "Oh…but i think Dodo sounds quite inquisitive."

            "Een-quiz-ee-tv?"

            "Err…don't you Snorkacks know English?"

            Dodo let out a little yell. "Get this little man out of my sight!"

            I panicked. "Okay! I'll call you Dodillion! It's fine, it's a nice name!"

            But it was too late. Another Snorkack had flown with another human, and brought him to be…examined. I learned that the new Snorkacks name was Qestillkorfet. This particular Snorkack has a skinny woman in its mouth. A redhead. With a temper like Lily's.

            "What you need, Dodillion?", said Qestillkorfet.

            "Take this little man to HE."

            I interrupted. "HE? Is that your leader?"

            "Lee-durr? What that mean?"

            "Lee-durr. Life form who controls other life forms."

            "Aah. You come with me. What your name?"

            "My name…is…uhmm…err…"

            "We have arrived."

            I was in a hot room, with a examiner's table. I hadn't noticed I was walking.

            "Sit."

            "Uh…well, ladies first."

            "Sit, or we feed you."

            "Uh…I'll take the food."           

            "We feed on you."

            The Snorkack was laying me onto the table…saying to another Snorkack behind him, "We have him in the Jaqb Room."                                                      "The Jaqb? That's what this hellhole is called?"          

            "Yes. Now we must perform some tests on you."       

            "Tests? What kinds of—" I never finished asking the question. The evil brute had put some sort of sleeping gas into my mouth…

            I awoke to the sound of people screaming. I grabbed my wand.

            My wand.

            I was back at Hogwarts. I was looking quite foolish, on the grounds. People were screaming happily, playing with the Giant Squid. I dashed to the Common Room.

            James and Lily were quite busy. Remus and Peter were obviously in the Great Hall. James and Lily were both smiling like idiots. I never look that silly when I kiss. And believe me, I know.

            "Have a nice evening, you two?"

            James broke apart from Lily, giving me a look. "Wonderful, how about you?"

            Oh, had some food, watched for Snorkacks, got abducted by them, including one named Qestillkorfet. You?

            I shrugged. "Nothing much."

A/N: Well! That was a little…Sirius-like? It seems a bit disappointing to me…but review and let me know!