So I'm just
relaxing and hanging out today so I figured I'd update again, because I'm
actually having fun writing this so far. You know me and angst. We love each
other so. Anyway, thank you all for the loverly feedback. You know it's my
weakness, so I really apperciate it!! Now on to Part dos.
Part Two
He could
feel her slipping away from him. He could feel it in his bones, and that's what
scared him the most. Nathan wasn't the kind of person to just give up on
something because it was difficult, Hell, if that was true then the two of them
never would've even gotten to know each other in the first place. He would've
just walked away from her that first time he went into the tutoring center and
she had boldly told him that no
she couldn't help him, because Lucas was her friend. But he hadn't quit then,
and he didn't want to quit now.
He didn't know if he could fight for this though, whatever this was that was
wedging itself between them. It would've been easier if it had been some guy
that she liked. He could've dealt with that. But this, this nothingness that
stood between them lately and swallowed up the silence. Well it was consuming.
Part of him knew that being married was going to be difficult, he'd seen his
parents' marriage and how much trouble they went through daily. He saw his
grandparents marriage's on both of his parent's sides and knew that they fought
sometimes. Everybody did.
This was different though. They'd moved passed the little petty arguments,
passed the yelling, passed the not talking to each other for days, passed it
all. Now there was just this quietness, this looming dread that they knew it
was about to end. And the sad thing was, they hadn't even gotten to tell
anybody about it yet.
It had been a mutual decision at first to keep it secret. They wanted to wait
until everything was settled, until they were comfortable with the marriage,
had gotten to spend sometime together in happiness before the inevitable
explosion that would come from their parents, and everyone else they'd lied to.
So they had let weeks pass by, then months, and they still had only told one
person, and that was Lucas. It made it difficult to live with, not being able
tell people something that made him so incredibly happy. He'd welcome sharing
it with Lucas if he could. Maybe his older brother could be some source of
comfort, even if they were still just getting to know each other. It would be
somebody to talk too at least.
Usually Nathan liked to keep things to himself, he wasn't much of a
share-your-feelings kind of guy, but now that him and Haley were stuck in this
silence, this quiet darkness that held them close enough together but far
enough apart, he needed some advice. Badly.
He felt like every new decision he made in their relationship, every new corner
he turned was just digging them farther into the proverbial ditch. Like walking
away from her embrace just then, and into this cold shower by himself. When he
walked through the door from one of the most strenuous workout his body had
ever taken and she jumped up into his arms, it felt like everything was going
to be ok again. When she smiled at him, and pressed her lips up to his, he
could feel his heart beat faster in his chest. He loved the feel of her body
molded into his, her mouth against his mouth. It was how he wanted to spend the
rest of his life, no matter how cheesy or corny it sounded to everyone else.
He'd spent way too much time worrying about what other people thought to let
that detract him now, when everything he wanted was in his arms.
Yet, why didn't he feel fulfilled then? He was happy with Haley, and he was
pretty sure she was happy with him. They didn't make sense by themselves, but
together, together they made sense, and that's all Nathan needed or wanted to
know. So he couldn't think about anything else. He wouldn't.
Letting the droplets of water from the showerhead rain down upon his face,
washing his body clean, Nathan wondered again why he hadn't asked Haley to join
him in his shower. It's not like he didn't want her, he did, pretty much every
hour of the day. When they were together like that, was the only time he didn't
wonder about all the crap that was falling apart between them.
Thing was, he hated when she looked at him with those sad eyes of hers, like
she was getting ready to apologize, or maybe say goodbye. It killed him a
little every time.
Once he was out of the shower and finished drying himself he slipped on an old
pair of shorts and a loose fitting T-shirt. As he opened the bathroom door he
could faintly hear the t.v. in the living room being shut off.
It was so quiet in his apartment then, so still, and he hated it. It reminded
him of the first night he'd spent there alone, only a bed and the darkness
there to keep him company. He'd thought about a lot of things that night, about
his life, about Haley, about Lucas. It was when he'd come to realize how much
everything had changed in the course of seven months. How one little event,
like Lucas joining the team could affect everything else.
And now he was here, in the dark of his room sitting on the edge of his bed,
alone again. He wasn't really alone though. Haley was waiting for him on the
couch. Waiting to talk to him, or be with him, he wasn't sure. But she was
waiting.
Slowly, Nathan pushed himself off the bed, and walked down the hallway that
lead to the front room. On the corner of his couch, legs bent together with her
hands folded neatly in her lap sat Haley. His Haley. And God she looked so
alone as well.
She smiled up at him uneasily when he came into the room, her body stiff with
pain. Nathan began to step his way toward her quietly, gulping back an unneeded
breath of air as he sat down beside her. His weight causing the cushion to bend
down farther, making Haley involuntarily lean into him. For a minute they
didn't say or do anything, just stared out into the emptiness. When Nathan
couldn't take it any longer, he moved to grab the t.v. remote control. He
needed the sound, something to break the silence. However, Haley's hand on his
arm stopped him from picking it up.
He turned his head toward hers, his forehead crinkled up in that cute way that
always meant he was confused. She wanted to giggle at him a little, run her
hand down the side of his face and kiss him so that it would smooth out, and go
away.
Instead her eyes flashed down to her hands resting in her lap, as her finger
continued to fiddle and move about.
"I can't stay here tonight," she spoke softly, deliberately. Her face was set
forward, while Nathan stared down at her.
"Ok," he shrugged, not sure of what else to do. And that hurt Haley more than
she would've like to admit. He was trying to be sweet, let her do what she had
to do, but right now she needed reassurance from him. He used to pout and mope
around every time she said she couldn't stay with him. Then they'd argue and
she'd explain that if her mother found out where she was, they'd have to tell
her the truth.
Right now she wished they had just told everyone the truth, from the very
beginning. Maybe that would've saved them both a world of hurt. As it stood
now, Haley didn't know what Nathan wanted any more then he did and that
frightened her, because Nathan always knew what he wanted. He knew what he
wanted and he went for it. But he wasn't doing it anymore with them.
"Yeah, so I should probably go then," she moved off the couch and into the
kitchen where her purse was.
Nathan observed as she collected her things quietly. How many times had he just
let her walk away from him? How many times had he just sat by and watched her
leave? To many to count.
And now here he was doing it again. People really don't change, he thought, as
he looked at her go to the door.
"So I'll talk to you tomorrow then," she asked, as if she didn't already know
the answer.
"Sure," Nathan responded with a nod, his mouth turned up into a tight-lipped
smile. Haley turned and smiled back at him the same, before she disappeared
behind the door and was gone.
