Part Five

--The Ocean flows gently, my child. It is a deep well between you and I.--

She was an older lady, somewhere in her early seventies. You could tell by the withering wrinkles around her eyes and mouth, the ivory stripes throughout her hair. She was a very regal woman, always classy on the outside, with an inner warmth ever present on the inside. It was the reason Haley admired her grandmother above all her other family members. Her Grandma Lou didn't let the little things get under her skin, she figured everyone else spent so much time worrying about them, that they could more than cover her share. Haley liked to think that in her short life, she'd been able to pick up some of her kin's grace, hold it close and display the same kind of poise when things around her got tough. She learned just how much her grandmother meant to her that one fateful day.

It was her ninth birthday. Not a particularly special year by any means, but still an important day to the person who it belongs to. Haley remembered that her parents had promised to take her sailing on a friends yacht for the first time, just the three of them. No sisters or brothers or distractions, and for an occupant of the James household, that was an event to revere.

Everything was set in place that morning, the homemade birthday cake was finishing baking in the oven, the sparse decorations of purple and green streamers and balloons were set up throughout the plain living room. The presents wrapped in old Christmas wrapping paper (used to save money) from last year were laid out on the kitchen table. Haley herself was finishing putting on her best skirt, only worn on very special occasions when her mother asked her to get out of her lovable jeans and tomboyish t-shirts and shoes, when she heard a loud thunderous crash from outside in the back yard.

Everybody ran out all at once in a huge crowd. At first Haley had to push her way through, being the smallest, but when she got up front she saw the tragedy right before her eyes. Her two oldest brothers, Derek and Kyle were laying in a mangled heap under their tree house 20 feet above.

They'd gotten the bright idea about five minutes earlier to try bungee jumping with one their dad's old shop ropes. Derek was going to hold the rope, while Kyle wrapped it around himself and took a flying leap off the tree house. Except, like most of her brothers' not so brilliant plans, as soon as Kyle jumped, Derek came forward with him, causing them both to fall 20 feet to the ground.

Haley's mother was in a frantic state if hysteria telling her father to 'call an ambulance', 'get the car', 'help them up!' Phillip James, calm and collected as always went over to his moaning sons and asked them what hurt. He told Melissa, Haley's oldest sister to call their grandmother to come over, they had to take the boys to the hospital to get them checked out.

"But what---what about sailing, Daddy," Haley asked, as Phillip grabbed his car keys off the banister.

"We'll do it another day sweetie, I promise," he patted her on the back and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead.

"But it's my birthday to today. Mommy? I want to go sailing today, it's my birthday," Haley ran after her mother, as the older woman got into the car with her brothers laying out in the backseat.

"Not today Haley. We have to make sure your brothers are alright. You want your brothers to be alright, don't you?"

"Yes," she spoke meekly, tears bursting up in her eyes.

"Then be a big girl and go help your grandmother take the cake out of the oven so it doesn't burn. We'll be back to open presents later," she said with a sympathetic smile, and then hastily closed the car door shut.

Haley watched her parents drive down the street and disappear, tears falling freely now that she was all alone. Her other brothers and sisters tried to get her to come back inside, but she refused. Choosing instead to sit on the porch by herself sullen and heartbroken over her ruined birthday.

"Are you going to stay out here all night long," a soft-aged remark came from behind her on the porch. Every time she spoke her Grandmother's voice sounded like two feathers lightly brushing together, a rhythmical cadence. It was lovely and usually rather calming. This time Haley wouldn't let her grandmother's presence deter her from her anger though.

"Yes," she stamped out, her mouth curved up into a petulant frown. She felt as if she'd been abandoned, and left out on her own birthday no less. Life seemed unfairly cruel, and she wasn't up to pretending to be ok with it all, no matter how much her parents and her grandmother wanted her to.

Grandma Lou stood above Haley, and ran a soft hand over her hair. "May I join you then," she asked, and Haley looked up at her, her eyes wide and brimming with unshed tears, all she could do was nod.

"Chin up my little darling," the older woman said, taking a seat beside her and hooking her hand under Haley's chin. " Things will be better in the morning."

"You always say that," Haley grimaced, and turned away, staring forward into space.

"Because it's always true," Grandma Lou countered.

"Not this time," Haley replied. "Not on my birthday."

She didn't mean to be such a pill, especially not to her grandmother, who she so dearly loved, and who in all respect had nothing to do with the catastrophe that was now her birthday. It was just so infuriating, that on the one day of the year that was supposed to be hers, the one day that wasn't about Derek or Kyle, or Michael or Melissa or any of her other siblings, had ended up being just exactly that: a day all about them. It wasn't fair. She felt she had a right to pout and as much as she wanted to. She felt she had the right to cry as well, even though the tears refused to fall from her red rimmed eyes. She knew it was her privilege to cry in spite of everything that had happened and would happen later.

Because there wouldn't be a party now. Haley would open her presents tomorrow of course, and eat a slice of cake and everyone would smile and try to pretend it was the same. But there would be no singing or celebrating, and there would definitely be no sailing. It wasn't the same.

Yes, she definitely had the right to cry. Even if her tears were being stubborn. Angrily Haley wiped at her face and Grandma Lou ran a hand through her hair again.

"Come here," the older woman patted at her lap, and Haley glanced at it for a second. "Come on, hop up on my lap."

Haley did as she was told, snuggling into her Grandmother's embrace, laying her head upon her shoulder and taking a deep breath in. Grandma Lou rubbed her back soothingly, her heart beating slowly and comforting against Haley's ear.

"There you go," she said once Haley had finally adjusted. "Now I'm going to let you in on a little secret, just between you and me, alright?"

Haley stayed silent and still, waiting for her grandmother's words of wisdom. It was a rarity when her grandmother would share things, and Haley always remembered to listen to her when she did.

The older woman connected her gaze with the younger girl."Life is not perfect my darling," she stated, tried and true, with conviction. "It's rough, and it takes all you've got to live everyday through it. You'll have many sad moments and many happy moments. But it's worth it. You have to remember to cherish the pain just as much as the joy. Because that's all we really have you know; our memories and our love. I know you don't believe me now, but you will. In time you will. And if ever you forget, remember to hold onto what really matters. Find that space inside your heart that never loses hope."

Her voice was almost a whisper now, and Haley could feel herself lulled into quiet peace. Her grandmother paused and then stretched her arm out.

"See those trees over there," she pointed to a group of large oaks across the street from Haley's yard. The large branches were swaying back and forth in the warm evening wind. Its leaves brushing together like the sound of salt shakers being shook.

"See how they're blowing in the wind," Grandma Lou asked and Haley nodded. "Watch them for a minute. Really watch them . . . Do they make you feel calm?"

Haley kept her eyes focused on the trees leaves and how they flowed, rushed together and then parted again. "I guess," she said, unsure of what she was supposed to be feeling. She pulled her head away from her grandmother's shoulder and looked up at her. Her face was settled into a serene peacefulness, as her eyes followed the same leaves Haley had just been looking at.

"I love the trees. They're just so beautiful. Mystical. . . Everyone has their own special place they go when the world gets to tough. Someday you'll find yours my little darling. I know you will . . .

Haley blinked her eyes open and closed. She'd been zoning out for the last half an hour, staring at the same spot on Nathan's floor, not really asleep, but not really awake either. She could still feel his arms wrapped around her body as they lay mushed together on his couch.

She tried to put together how they had managed to get from the hallway, back out of the living room, to his couch and fallen asleep. It was all a big long blur from the moment the tears had begun to seep out of her face like a never-ending reservoir. She supposed that Nathan had probably carried her there and laid down beside her for just a moment, probably falling into slumber with her as well.

Thoughts had been rapidly running through her head as she's laid there with insomnia. No new solutions coming to her mind. No hew revelations. Just the feel of Nathan's arm around her body and how nice that felt.

The room they were in was full of light now and by looking at her watch she could see that it was getting rather late into the morning. She turned slowly on her side, and could feel Nathan's even breaths stop, his eyes flicker open and the shut as he tried to bring himself back to the waking world.

"How long have you been awake," he asked, his voice husky, his hand rubbing at his eyes. Haley always thought he looked the most beautiful in the morning. His hair all a mess on top of his head, his eyes heavy. It was just him. The real Nathan, the one she loved.

"Awhile," she answered and pushed herself up into a sitting position, when Nathan had pulled his arms way from around her. She was saddened when his arms left her. She felt like a part of her wasn't complete when he wasn't touching her.

"You should've woken me up," he said, and finally connected his gaze with hers.

Haley slightly shrugged. "I like how you hold me when you're asleep," she glanced away, somewhat embarrassed by the truth of the statement. And Nathan didn't know what to say.

"Haley . . . ," he began but trailed off.

"What?"

She waited for him to go on, their bodies jumbled together on a small couch, but more far apart than two bodies could be. Her heart lurched inside her chest and she thought maybe he would finally have an answer to all of their problems.

"I don't know what I was going to say," he simply replied and she felt that old familiar feeling crawl back into her chest.

"Well, um, I have to work in a couple of hours so I should probably go," she began and swung her legs off the couch. She got up and started walking to her bag and jacket that still lay on the kitchen counter from the night before. She grabbed her jacket off the counter when she felt Nathan's arm gently pull the jacket away.

"Don't."

"I have to go Nathan, I have work," she went to take the jacket back, and he let her, grabbing her hands instead.

"Don't go . . . please," he pleaded with her, his voice strong but weak. Haley glanced up at his face, and away from his hands holding hers, and saw for the first time, just how serious he was. She just wasn't sure if it was enough.

She shook her head. There was so much left to figure out. It could never be done in one day. And they were fools if they thought they could. "Me staying here now, isn't going to solve anything except to get me fired from work."

"Karen would never fire you. You're like her only employee," Nathan countered with a grin, and gripped her hands morefirmly in his. He stepped closer to her, trying with his entire being to make her see how important this was to them. Howimportant they were to him.

"Nathan I—,"she began, and felt her heart break inside her chest out how his smile faded from his face when she tried to pull away. She didn't know what to do anymore. She didn't know what to say to make everything better. And she was used to being that person for him. The one that could fix what was broken.

Not being able to do that now, Nathan could see, was the hardest thing she'd ever gone through.

"I need you," Nathan said, with a kind of purity she'd only gotten from him on a few occasions. "I know I don't say it. I don't tell you how much you mean to me, how beautiful you are. How happy you make me. I know I should. Maybe that part of me is broken, I don't know," he paused, and swallowed, his throat tight and his eyes intent as he stared down at his wife. " But you have to know that you . . . you are everything to me Haley. I can't lose you."

Haley could feel tears spill onto her face at a rapid pace, her hand interlocked with Nathan's. She smiled up at him. "You're not going to lose me. You'll never lose me," she assured him, and the corners of his mouth curved up into a slight smile.

"Stay with me then," he asked and Haley knew he wasn't asking her to spend the day with him. He wanted her to be with, today, tomorrow, and forever. He was laying down his heart for her for the hundredth time since he had that very first night in her bedroom a little over a year ago. He was giving her a choice, leaving it up to her where she wanted to be, what would make her happy.

And so she nodded her head for him, because Nathan, wherever he was, was where she wanted to be.

He was who she wanted to be with.

Never letting her hands go, Nathan led the both of them back to his room, and down to his bed. He pulled Haley's body close to his and brought his hand up to wipe away the tears on her face. He placed a light kiss on her lips, letting them linger there for a second before resting his head back on the pillow beside her.

Haley stared at his face in fascination. All the lines and creases, the smooth skin, the sharpness of his jaw, and the way his eyelashes fell over his big beautiful blue eyes. It was amazing to her how she never got bored looking at him. She could do it for hours, and still be mesmerized. Especially when she looked into his eyes. The endless sea that lay within them was always so peaceful to her. It was where she felt most clam, her special place among the madness and she had found it in Nathan, her husband, just like her grandmother had told her she would so many years ago.

Deep down Haley knew there was so much between them that needed to be resolved. So much that had to be sorted out. And it would be there waiting for both of them when they got up from that bed, and walked back out to the rest of the world. If she could continue to find peace in him, in his room, in the cerulean blue of his eyes, she knew, no matter where they were or what they came across, they would both be able to survive.